Husband lied about his salary

[Truecrimemama]

apologies if anything similar has been posted before but I’ve looked and can’t find anyone in a similar boat.

ive recently found out that my husband earns significantly less than he’s always disclosed to me, for context we don’t share finances or a bank account and I’ve actually never questioned him about it because why would he be lying. Ive always believed that he earned 40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. it actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I’m shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense.

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples. This has always worked out. The problem has been that my husband had always complained about ‘not having any money’ and money has always been a huge point of contention any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off. He’s always been right but him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin. I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point blank refused.

anyway last night we got into another huge argument about money and he shouted at me and stormed off for a couple of hours. When he got back we sat down and discussed it properly where he said that he only earns 25k a year take home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year. He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn’t right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax. So for the first time I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about.

when I goggled the company he works for I also saw that all employees had a pretty significant one off bonus during covid that he never told me about. His mum had also given him a sizeable amount of money About 20,000 which I do know about but that he wont touch or do anything with, so when an unexpected expense come along such as something going wrong with the car he will then complain about how it’s left him short, and that he’s got no money, when I point out the money his mother gave him he will act like he’s just saving it for her and that it’s not really his to spend! Which I’m not quite sure I believe

ive always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I’ve always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with, saying things like he might lose his job periodically or that his role will soon be decommissioned, I’ve suggested him to go for a promotion in the company if he’s worried about that but he always said he’d rather take a pay cut than take on a more senior role and work more hours. I'm totally at a loss and feel so stupid for just taking what he said for the past 10 plus years at face value

just looking for some validation really and to see if anyone else has encountered anything like this before.

I have finally worked out how to reply properly, honestly it really does feel like that to me, some of the comments have been awful towards me and obviously I imagine they are in a similar situation but think it’s okay and normal.
I think I will ask to sit down one more time and try to discuss this without a screaming match. I’ll see how it goes but I do think as he gets older it will get worse.

I am not materialistic or unreasonable when I met my husband he was staying in a friends apartment he was saving money for a rental deposit after the breakdown of his relationship we didn’t even go on any dates so this materialistic trope is nonessential

OP although this poster has said this in a pretty nasty (and unnecessary) way, I do think it’s something you need to sit down and work out.

Do you have access to all of the info on the bills for the house i.e. do you know how much the mortgage is, utilities, wifi, phone bills, car/car insurance, water etc? If you do, add that up, and at the same time go through your own statements for the same month and add up what you have spent. See how they compare when you look at a direct month to month comparison. Without ALL of this information it’s impossible to know if everything is indeed equal or if you should be paying more, or if he should be paying more.

For example if DH paid all of our household bills from his salary and I paid the extras that you mention like holidays/clothes etc, yes I’d be paying quite a bit, but it wouldn’t be as much as his other than for example at Christmas. Household bills probably looking at about £1500ish a month, I can’t imagine you are also spending that on clothes or holidays a month, but you might be, and if you are then that could form part of your chat with DH. If the reality is that as a family you can’t afford to live the way you are, then it’s the holidays, new clothes that need to be cut and that money re-directed to the mortgage or utility bill for example. It’s all about working as a team but you have to have all of the facts in order to do that.

@caringcarer

OP has clearly stated he doesn't have a student loan, any plans and no credit cards

She doesn't really know though, does she? He is a liar and has lied for years about his finances, he could easily be doing so about loans and cards too.

If he's been at the company for 10 plus years he might be telling the truth. You finish going up the increments on the pay grade but you will still get the yearly 3% raise or whatever his company does. You won't be able to tell his wages by googling.

I earn around 25k after tax a year, I work in a very niche field that allows me to work part time but still get the equivalent of a full time salary

^^ this is his issue

you earn twice as much as he does, his ego will not allow you to do that. He has outdated, old fashion - call them what you will, ideas. For his wife to be earning more money than him would be a terrible blow so he lies. Even before when you first met, money is power and masculine so he upped his wages

So, at 20, you met a 35 year old.

I am not against age gap relationships as I have friends with gaps like that or even more.

However, bearing in mind his controlling behaviour (and it IS that), it does beg the question if you were attracted to an older man who would 'look after you' and he was looking for someone he could control.

You're still just 30 now, 2 kids, and stuck with this lying, middle aged man, who has spun you a tale.

How are the dynamics of your relationship?

What attracted you to a much older man?

Was he a father figure, or why did he appeal to you?

As I’ve said I have offered for years to pay a share of the bills, or pay off part/the mortgage to make things a bit better for him, but given that would include sharing finances and being transparent he refuses, so I pick up the fall in all other areas and I’m happy to do so. My husband could also seek a promotion but he refuses to do so.
i could work more hours but he wouldn’t want to have to pick up the extra slack at home.
it’s so maddening

He doesn't have a student loan.

I feel it’s worse than many people are suggesting - he married you under fraudulent pretences. He may be very very insecure (or something) but it’s a massive deception and a huge let down.

Over the decade, there has been around £150,000 less to fund your family’s standard of living than he led you to believe. From what you’ve said - I appreciate there may be more to it - I’d be incandescent.

But you haven’t answered the questions I asked, do you have the info to know how much he is paying each month for all of the house things? If you have, you need to go through and add those up. Get your bank statement for the same month and add up what you have spent. Go to the table with a stance, either “I don’t think I am paying enough and here is why” or “I don’t think you are paying enough and here is why”. Take the emotion out of it for a minute and just look together at the facts, the house bills cost £X, you are paying £Y a month on the other bits. Until you have done that, you don’t know whether you are “picking up the fall” at least financially because your house bills could be £1500 while you are maybe only paying £600 a month on your bits.

I don’t think it’s fair to say he could or should seek a promotion as if he’s been paying all of your household bills for the last 10 years then you can’t argue he hasn’t provided for you all, regardless of what his actual salary may be he has kept a roof over your heads and your lights on etc.

It may be the neither of you needs a promotion or more money, it could literally be a case of you just need to be working TOGETHER rather than independently financially. If he is tight for money after paying all of the household bills while you are able to spent £1000 a month on holidays and clothes for example, then it’s not a case of him or you needing to earn more money, it’s just a case of you needing to cancel the holiday because that money is better used and needed towards bills etc.

OP I don't understand why he won't just show you his bank statements. It would clear it all up instantly. In the end it doesn't matter what his salary is. What matters is the amounts going into and out of the bank!!

Is he hiding massive credit card debt or loans etc? The bank statement will show it.

But, would guess not since you can't get much of a morgage with massive debts..!!

It is truly weird and worrying he won't just show you the statements and end this whole drama.

This is an interesting point, my first teenage love who I was with for 5 years before I met DH was awful he purposefully crashed his car to try and kill me, strangled me and made me look like the villain to everyone that knew me.

I was a pageant girl looking for validation from a shit relationship even though I cringe at that now, and would hate my children doing it.

when I left that relationship my now DH was a great catch, he didn’t even look his age either although I knew he was a bit older, we spent a very long time talking online before we met and then when we did meet in person he was completely all in,

he would drive hours to come and see me, hold doors open everything I had never experienced from my first love so I worshipper the ground he walked on

everything we have now is built by both of us together, neither of us had our own home or children before we met, both of had practically started from scratch, in a completely new area neither of had lived before and tried to muddle through it.

I think my DH wanted the fantasy life on a stay at home mum looking after the kids and house like his parents had, but financially it was absolutely terrible, although he seems so much happier when I didn’t work

If the reality is that as a family you can’t afford to live the way you are, then it’s the holidays, new clothes that need to be cut and that money re-directed to the mortgage or utility bill for example.

Very much this.

Their current arrangement seems pretty reasonable to me. Loads of couples have separate finances, it's not unusual.

I don't know what my DP takes home and vice versa. We both pay into a joint account and what's left we keep for ourselves. (Granted I can't imagine we'd refuse to tell each other if we asked.)

If the OP's DH doesn't want to say what he earns I see no benefit in asking him any more. If he's not contributing enough to joint resources then that issue does need to be addressed but if he's paying all the bills I can't see how he would not be contributing enough.

If there really is a shortfall then holidays are the first thing that need to go and that saving goes straight to the OP who is also the higher earner. Result!

I mean… really? Regardless of what salary he may genuinely be on, he HAS been paying all of the household bills single handedly for the last 10 years. Obviously he shouldn’t have lied but if anything, I’d say that it more impressive that he is supported his household on less money, and shows his commitment to his family to have done that even if that has left him short of money himself?

I think there is still a pressure for men to be the “provider” or the “breadwinner” and especially when that man is considerably older I can imagine that being a huge factor

@caringcarer

He doesn't have a student loan.

He could have. How would OP know he hasn't lied about loans?

He may have done well to fund the family but lying to your spouse about money is a huge no-no.

Has he got any redeeming features?

Are you seriously suggesting that after being with a man for 10 years, and knowing his family, she wouldn't know if he'd been to uni and had a degree?

My Dad died 30 years ago now. When he died my Mum had no idea how much he had earned or how much pension he paid or how much the bills were. He gave her housekeeping every week and extra for Xmas and holidays. All the savings were in joint names though as was the house. My Mum made a career of being a Mum and housewife and was very good at it. Every shirt and loads of other stuff was ironed, all meals cooked from scratch, she baked twice a week once for cake and once for pastry. My Mum didn't even know how much was left to pay on her mortgage so it came as a good surprise when an insurance policy she didn't know about paid it off when my Dad died and she got a lump sum too. It was just how things were done more in their days. If Dad got a bonus or did any overtime he always gave her extra. The bank manager very kindly met up with my Mum and talked her through the bank statements, identifying the life insurance policy from the regular payments, set up direct debits for regular bills for her and generally helped her to learn about bills handling. Maybe your DH was brought up in a house like this where his Dad dealt with all finances and he was trying to do the same. It's like from a bygone era. I've always known how much DH earns and about his pension and he about mine. I think today this is at it should be.

@BlazingJune

We got student loans for going to college and doing HNC/D, so he would not need to have a degree.

But yes, I'm saying exactly that. He has spun so many lies why would anyone believe a word he says, especially still on the subject of finances.

Thanks for this it has made me feel a lot better, the issue is despite my repeated attempts to discuss all of this he is constantly meeting me with a pig headed approach that he doesn’t need my money or that he doesn’t want my share of the bills, it’s actually crazy that I’d he would just split things with me we may be both better off. But it isn’t that simple and he absolutely will not change his position. Last night I asked if maybe overpaying the mortgage with me contributing the extra might be a better idea, he said he would think about it. So that maybe is a start

Yelling and storming off is crap and he's at fault for that alone. Sounds like his communication sucks.

Bragging about 40k is just sad and show's he insecure if you ask me. I mean don't get me wrong it's more than I've ever earned but it's not exactly baller money. He needs to grow up about finances.

Also you shouldn't be doing everything in the house.

So you have a joint income of £3800

He earns roughly £400 a month more than you

How much is your mortgage?

he definitely grew up in a family like that,
he talked about having no money growing up and having hand me downs previously mentioned and his parents never spent money on anything apart from holiday for the two of them they travelled the world, but never did repairs on the house or update the car, when my FIL died he left a huge amount of money that he saved his lifetime, but my mil had no idea how to pay any bills or even drive the car she had a license for,