Husband lied about his salary

[Truecrimemama]

apologies if anything similar has been posted before but I’ve looked and can’t find anyone in a similar boat.

ive recently found out that my husband earns significantly less than he’s always disclosed to me, for context we don’t share finances or a bank account and I’ve actually never questioned him about it because why would he be lying. Ive always believed that he earned 40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. it actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I’m shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense.

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples. This has always worked out. The problem has been that my husband had always complained about ‘not having any money’ and money has always been a huge point of contention any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off. He’s always been right but him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin. I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point blank refused.

anyway last night we got into another huge argument about money and he shouted at me and stormed off for a couple of hours. When he got back we sat down and discussed it properly where he said that he only earns 25k a year take home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year. He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn’t right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax. So for the first time I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about.

when I goggled the company he works for I also saw that all employees had a pretty significant one off bonus during covid that he never told me about. His mum had also given him a sizeable amount of money About 20,000 which I do know about but that he wont touch or do anything with, so when an unexpected expense come along such as something going wrong with the car he will then complain about how it’s left him short, and that he’s got no money, when I point out the money his mother gave him he will act like he’s just saving it for her and that it’s not really his to spend! Which I’m not quite sure I believe

ive always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I’ve always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with, saying things like he might lose his job periodically or that his role will soon be decommissioned, I’ve suggested him to go for a promotion in the company if he’s worried about that but he always said he’d rather take a pay cut than take on a more senior role and work more hours. I'm totally at a loss and feel so stupid for just taking what he said for the past 10 plus years at face value

just looking for some validation really and to see if anyone else has encountered anything like this before.

Are you 100% sure you’re even on the mortgage/deeds? If you had nothing to do with getting it and he doesn’t let you pay it 🤔

Presumably, OP knows if he's university-educated.
Even if he is, he would have been under Plan 1 student loan and would likely have paid it off long time ago. Unless, the OP somehow didn't know her husband was in full time education after 2012.

Last night I asked if maybe overpaying the mortgage with me contributing the extra might be a better idea,

You don't need his permission to pay into the mortgage - just find out the account number next time you see a statement or get a yearly statement and set up your own standing order into it. (Do check for early repayment fees.)

If you don't want to do that, get an ISA and use it as dedicated 'mortgage savings'. Just every year say "There's £X I can pay into the mortgage if you want." And let him say yes or no.

Same goes for all the bills really, it's easy to pay in, you don't need the account holder's permission.

Not sure how any of that is better for you though.

THIS!

It's so pathetic that women are repeatedly told they should worry about poor little hubby's man-feelings. But ignore their own.

FFS we're in the 21st century not the 19th century. We all have to get over our conditioning and live in the world as it is now, not as it used to be or how we'd like it to be. The OP has stepped up, does all the domestic stuff and is saddled with a man who refuses to communicate or act as part of a team.

BTW Op re: your early part of the relationship, it sounds like love-bombing which you would have been susceptible to due to your youth and past abusive relationship. As soon as he reeled you in, he reverted to his true personality. You don't have to live like this.

They're married so it doesn't matter.

you can make decisions without knowing his salary. you can do a budget of all your outgoings, and agree to split everything essential 50/50 and the rest is up to the individual. It is weird that he has lied but it is weird that you are insisting on knowing all of his incomings and outgoings. You can let go of this expectation and find a way to move forward. So you can make a plan for the essential shared costs like school uniform, utilities, food etc and have a conversation about the areas you don't both agree are essential.
my husband is saving up for something specific that I don't think he needs but it is his choice and I respect that. Equally he doesn't think I need to get my nails done, but he doesn't tell me what to do. It sounds like you are both trying to control each other and you need to get to a place of mutual respect. Marriage is hard work sometimes, but it's worth it.

he doesn't think I need to get my nails done

LTB

OP do you have some kind of life insurance because if you were to become ill and unable to work that would help provide you with some kind of income, you just need to be paying a monthly direct debit for it. That should give you some peace of mind rather than having to be concerned about your partner. Also good to have especially if one is single!

Perhaps he added (in his mind) the sizeable bonus you mentioned to the amount he earns?

Perhaps there are other bonuses you don't know about which means he can fudge things either way depending on how he wants to present it? i.e. he earns £31K gross (well, at least as you think he does) plus bonuses, but technically he can just go off the basic salary to make it seem less. Or he can add his bonuses on to make it seem more (£40K gross).

Either way, if you want to stay together, you'll both need to work it out. Of course you're cross about the situation, but for the purposes of moving forward, perhaps this can be a "watershed" moment where, without focussing on the lying, (I know it's difficult) you spend an afternoon together sorting through all the finances. Perhaps this clearing of the air might be good for getting the finances in order together, and you can both look into what to do in terms of pensions, ISAs etc and do some financial planning for the future as well.

I would also suggest a spreadsheet where you each record everything spent, every coffee, corner shop for a few bits, bill, window cleaner etc as well as the big bills and big food shops etc. After a month or so it will begin to give a really clear picture of where all the pennies go as well as the pounds, and who pays for these things. Try and work together with him. If he's not interested in doing that, that's going to be a bit of a problem.

I am wondering though if there was a miscommunication about salary and then he never really addressed his salary after tax with you, if my partner asked me about my salary I would be giving the gross amount not the amount with tax deductions etc. and I think I’d be kind of mortified if I realised further down the line he had been thinking of my salary as being what I earned with my tax deductions as that creates a very different kind of salary.

Do you have a mortgage or do you rent?

of course I would never accuse him of lying or broach this in an accusatory way.

This epitomises your relationship. You want to continue going forward without letting him know that you know how much he earns. Why? To prevent upset I guess. To save his pride?

If you want to play games like he is doing currently, then that is up to you. I couldn’t do it personally.

Does he control everything else in your relationship and your marriage is fine as long as you don’t rock the boat? Which you obviously don’t. What would happen if you challenge him in other areas?

Why can’t you tell him that you know how much he earns and ask him why he’s told you differently? It doesn’t have to be in an accusatory way? You can be understanding that you think it might be his pride even. But you need to open communication and get on to an equal footing. You are 30, not a naive 20 year old now. Deciding together how to spend money might even help stop him feeling emasculated every time you offer to fund something. You need to talk openly and lay all cards on the table.

In fact salary with or without tax deductions can be the difference of what puts someone in the 1% salary wise of the population and what puts someone in the 10%

I did not say what part of the north did I, 40k take home in central Manchester wouldn’t get you very much in terms of accommodation or quality of living nor in parts of Cheshire, I can’t speak for places like leeds but the north is not just one blanket very cheap place to live is it? So yes In my area 40k is comfortable

I cba to do the maths, but 40k take home in the North would be a huge salary pre-tax. That you seem to think its enough to be "comfortable" tells me you're not very financially literate.

Of course it's not.
Even teachers on the basic scale earn around £40K after a few years. Many people in local government are earning close to that.

If he is only earning £31,000 then his take home will be far less than £25000. Payscales on the website won't give you the full picture, they may not have been updated in years, and he could have had experience based payrises in that time and inflation rises. I have been with my company four years and am earning £7000 more than my starting salary (the salary stated in job adverts for my role).

Oh my goodness @Truecrimemama
I don't know what a 'pageant girl ' is (will google) but whatever happens next with your H- maybe look into some counselling so you can spot read flags.

Basically, you were in a shitty toxic relationship almost as a child ( aged 15 to 19) then you met this man who is now your H.

He love bombed you. And he was SO different to the previous bloke, that you fell hook, line and sinker for him.

At some point between Man A and Man B you should have taken some time out, from men, maybe had some therapy after that toxic relationship, and got yourself together as a single woman focused on work, for a good few years.

He is clearly controlling and like some men who are insecure, chose a woman younger, who 'adored' their maturity and 'experience'.

It's a horrible thing to face up to but your marriage has been built on sand.

He's not what you thought.

He's been evasive as best and possibly lied.

This is no life for you to live.

You deserve better. Please look into some therapy because what you've posted shows you have been attracted to the 'wrong men' (maybe through your own lack of self-worth) and you could benefit from talking it all through with someone.

But for now, focus on having that conversation with your H and if he's willing to change. Maybe he would try couples counselling together?

It goes into one pocket and out the other pocket if he's paying all the bills and they aren't in debt. She has her own money and pay for other essentials as well. They can even afford a holiday and many families can't and decorate the house etc and many families can't. I don't believe in separate money when you have a family. I know it suits some people but I think it's weird.

If he hasn't been to uni he won't have a student loan.

I think you both probably need to have a clear and open conversation about your finances if you both want to make the relationship work. If you were to meet someone in the future I would be very clear that when you are asking about someone’s salary you are thinking about the salary AFTER tax deductions as you may end up getting into the same situation. And get your own life insurance too!

i could work more hours but he wouldn’t want to have to pick up the extra slack at home.

then id suggest paying a part time many/aupair/babysitter for after school, cleaner, housekeeper. Keeping your career alive is important and although that would eat into your salary it wouldn't take it all

Str8talkin

try looking at rents for parts of Manchester/ Greater Manchester etc and you'll find they are not much short of £1600 a month for a family sized 3 bed and you don't get much

That's because of the increase in interest rates it has a knock on effect. The landlord still has to pay his mortgage.

It because house prices are more expensive than many other places up north