Husband lied about his salary

[Truecrimemama]

apologies if anything similar has been posted before but I’ve looked and can’t find anyone in a similar boat.

ive recently found out that my husband earns significantly less than he’s always disclosed to me, for context we don’t share finances or a bank account and I’ve actually never questioned him about it because why would he be lying. Ive always believed that he earned 40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. it actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I’m shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense.

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples. This has always worked out. The problem has been that my husband had always complained about ‘not having any money’ and money has always been a huge point of contention any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off. He’s always been right but him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin. I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point blank refused.

anyway last night we got into another huge argument about money and he shouted at me and stormed off for a couple of hours. When he got back we sat down and discussed it properly where he said that he only earns 25k a year take home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year. He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn’t right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax. So for the first time I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about.

when I goggled the company he works for I also saw that all employees had a pretty significant one off bonus during covid that he never told me about. His mum had also given him a sizeable amount of money About 20,000 which I do know about but that he wont touch or do anything with, so when an unexpected expense come along such as something going wrong with the car he will then complain about how it’s left him short, and that he’s got no money, when I point out the money his mother gave him he will act like he’s just saving it for her and that it’s not really his to spend! Which I’m not quite sure I believe

ive always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I’ve always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with, saying things like he might lose his job periodically or that his role will soon be decommissioned, I’ve suggested him to go for a promotion in the company if he’s worried about that but he always said he’d rather take a pay cut than take on a more senior role and work more hours. I'm totally at a loss and feel so stupid for just taking what he said for the past 10 plus years at face value

just looking for some validation really and to see if anyone else has encountered anything like this before.

@caringcarer

If he hasn't been to uni he won't have a student loan.

I'm around his age and got mine for HNC/D at college.

If I was in your situation @Truecrimemama I would absolutely insist on both of you sitting down with every payslip, bill, document, bank statement etc for the last year and going through it all together.
Get both your internet banking screens open and have a look at all money coming in and going out.
Make a budget.

This would be an absolute red line for me and I would not accept him refusing or wanting to keep things hidden from you.

You currently have no idea what your family income or outgoings are. No idea if you are behind on your mortgage or up to your eyeballs in debt or if he has a gambling problem. You can't live like this.

Manchester is the third biggest city it wouldn't be cheap. That's where the work is.

Hmm OP you refer to your salary as the post tax amount, saying you earn 25k after tax - but that's also what he earns yes? Why is it ok for you but an issue for him?

are you sure it's not an assumption on your part that he earns 40k after tax as that's the way you refer to your own income?

Also, with for example 10% pension contributions and a slightly higher tax code - 40k Gross can easily turn into 25k a year.

Do you claim child benefit?

If I was in your situation @TruecrimemamaI would absolutely insist on both of you sitting down with every payslip, bill, document, bank statement etc for the last year and going through it all together.

see @WonderLife , I'd find this approach more controlling if anything. If DH demanded I sit down and open up all of my bank statements and payslips because he didn't believe my income or wanted to know exactly what I was spending on I'd tell him to fuck right off! Our bills are paid (as are the OP's) and I know I buy things he wouldn't 'approve' of. (but we also know each others salaries in an around about way and discuss payrises etc so there's not as much hidden in that sense I guess)

The problem is surely the lying, refusing to tell his wife what he actually earns and hiding the family finances from her?

Don't you think it is dysfunctional to have to guess what your husband earns since he won't tell you his actual salary or deductions?

Personally I would draw the line at this. I contribute my agreed share to the household. I really don't want DP quibbling my coffee and cake or the fact I paid for Gym membership 18 months after I stopped using it.

I don't see why women need to show bank statements to partners. (and vice versa).

Since the bills are being paid and the house hasn't been repossessed it seems unlikely the OP's DH has a serious gambling problem, but frankly that's the risk of marriage. DP can walk out and by a Sportscar tomorrow and it's half my problem. That's what I signed up to.

I wouldn't care if my partner found it controlling - it would a case of either tell me exactly what our family's financial situation is or I wouldn't remain in the relationship.
Telling your partner to fuck off if they want to know what money the family actually has to live on is financially abusive.

I totally know what you mean and I’d be the same, but that’s because we both know what our salaries are and so there’s no doubt in my mind that either of us are being shafted.

I do think there’s every chance though that if the OP in this case pushes for “lets look at every penny”, she may well find that actually she ends up worse off herself than she currently is. Hence why I’ve said a few times she needs to decide what she actually wants out of this conversation. Personally I’m not sure what difference it makes if he is on a LOWER salary than he said he was because what that means is that he has paid all of the household bills even with less money.

Don't you think it is dysfunctional to have to guess what your husband earns since he won't tell you his actual salary or deductions?

Yes, but it's also dysfunctional to ask when he obviously doesn't want to say. And she does know his take-home - £25k.

Demanding to go through a woman's bank statements is more financially abusive.

Waiting til the house is repossessed before finding out if the mortgage is being paid is not a level of insecurity I could live with.
I do expect my relationship with my partner to be open and honest.

If your husband would try to control how much coffee you bought with extra spending money, then that is a whole other relationship issue.

I do think there’s every chance though that if the OP in this case pushes for “lets look at every penny”, she may well find that actually she ends up worse off herself than she currently is. Hence why I’ve said a few times she needs to decide what she actually wants out of this conversation.

This, with bells on it.

This is totally alien to me - I can't imagine being in a long term, committed relationship with someone, sharing property and children, and hiding something like income from each other. Or being scared to ask what your partner earns.

The OP can easily find out if the mortgage is being paid. Her husband's cagey about his gross salary. Not his net salary. Not the mortgage.

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour It's not about 'demanding' anything.

It's about BOTH people recognising that they are married and therefore in a legally binding financial partnership.

Transparency of financial arrangements from both people should be an absolute minimum in any marriage.

Being scared to ask what DP earns is weird, I agree. But so is really wanting to know to the point you keep asking even though you're scared.

Not telling each other your salary is almost typical I would have thought. For couples who have a joint account in addition to their own accounts, except at remortgage time, I have no idea why it would come up in conversation.

Wondering if this is really about money or a deeper fault line within your marriage and wider family.

Most people describe what they earn based on their gross salary and not take home pay. This makes sense, especially now with taxes constantly changing.

Doesn't sound like it would be easy for the OP to find out about the mortgage or bills at all if the husband is blocking her from paying anything so he doesn't have to be transparent about their finances.

I don't know any couples, among close friends and family, who don't know exactly what their family income is. I can't imagine happily not knowing what your spouse earns, or just accepting that they don't want to tell you. I guess maybe if both partners are high earners and not reliant financially on each other in any way?

Maybe that works for some people, but for me in a marriage where we are completely financially reliant on each other and intertwined, deception over finances would be a deal breaker.

You're posting from the 1950's? Women can have their own bank accounts and what goes into them is their own busxiness as long as they pay whatever they agree to into the joint finances.

I don't think I'd actively conceal anything but there's no way I'd let DP see my bank statement and I'm pretty sure there's stuff on DPs statement that would be be better hidden from me. (In fact there's a bike that I haven't asked about that would probably keep me in coffee shop carrot cake for a decade.)

Doesn't sound like it would be easy for the OP to find out about the mortgage or bills at all if the husband is blocking her from paying anything so he doesn't have to be transparent about their finances.

She doesn't say that. She's says she knows his net salary but not gross. She doesn't mention concealing bills or bailiffs or gas being cut off.

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour Eh?

Where did I say that women shouldn't have their own bank accounts and manage their money?

I have my own bank account, as does my DH. We also have a joint account which we both pay into and where all bills and direct debits are paid from.

The whole point of marriage (before love and companionship, religion etc) is that it is a legally binding contract of sharing of assets between 2 people. If you aren't willing to do that, you shouldn't get married.

The point of financial transparency is that income and expenditure changes in every marriage - pay rises, redundancies, bonuses, mortgage increases, inheritance, retirement etc. It's important that both parties are kept abreast of all these fluctuations so the appropriate monies can be managed fairly within a marriage.

I genuinely don't see why you have misconstrued my post.

@GreenIsMyFavoriteColour are you quite high earners? It just seems like you and your husband keep large purchases secret from each other in a kind of jokey way, because it doesn't actually impact on your family finances?
I'm sure it is true that when there is more than enough money, and each partner is financially secure separately from each other, it isn't really important that they know exactly how much money there is.

Where did I say that women shouldn't have their own bank accounts and manage their money?

I have my own bank account, as does my DH. We also have a joint account which we both pay into and where all bills and direct debits are paid from.

That's what we have. The difference is I don't have to show DP my statements. I just contribute my share to the joint account. What's left over is regarded as mine and mine alone. (I agree legally it's not mine - its still a joint resource, but in practical terms it's mine.)

You don't have to show your statements because you haven't lied to your partner about what you earn and he can trust you - the OP's situation is very different because they don't have any financial transparency and she cannot trust her husband.