Husband lied about his salary

[Truecrimemama]

apologies if anything similar has been posted before but I’ve looked and can’t find anyone in a similar boat.

ive recently found out that my husband earns significantly less than he’s always disclosed to me, for context we don’t share finances or a bank account and I’ve actually never questioned him about it because why would he be lying. Ive always believed that he earned 40k a decent comfortable salary for where we are in the north of England. And combined with what I earn a very good joint income. it actually turns out my husband earns over £15,000 less and I’m shocked although a lot of things are starting to make sense.

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples. This has always worked out. The problem has been that my husband had always complained about ‘not having any money’ and money has always been a huge point of contention any decision that we should be making together about matters to do with the house car or money he will completely blow up and then storm off. He’s always been right but him constantly claiming to be broke has really started to wear thin. I had a suspicion he was hiding something from me so I have offered multiple times to also on top of everything else I pay for to pay a share of the bills, on the provision that he shows me all his ingoings and outgoing plus any savings he has so we can make a proper budget. He has always point blank refused.

anyway last night we got into another huge argument about money and he shouted at me and stormed off for a couple of hours. When he got back we sat down and discussed it properly where he said that he only earns 25k a year take home pay after tax and deductions on the 40k a year. He had always framed it that he earned 40k take home and I believed him, I knew this wasn’t right and there was no way he was paying 15k a year tax. So for the first time I googled his salary at his company and for his exact role his pre tax pay is £31,000 bringing his take home pay to that £25,000 he was talking about.

when I goggled the company he works for I also saw that all employees had a pretty significant one off bonus during covid that he never told me about. His mum had also given him a sizeable amount of money About 20,000 which I do know about but that he wont touch or do anything with, so when an unexpected expense come along such as something going wrong with the car he will then complain about how it’s left him short, and that he’s got no money, when I point out the money his mother gave him he will act like he’s just saving it for her and that it’s not really his to spend! Which I’m not quite sure I believe

ive always felt like my husband is financially controlling, tight and a Scrooge when it comes to money, I’ve always felt like he uses money as a stick to beat me with, saying things like he might lose his job periodically or that his role will soon be decommissioned, I’ve suggested him to go for a promotion in the company if he’s worried about that but he always said he’d rather take a pay cut than take on a more senior role and work more hours. I'm totally at a loss and feel so stupid for just taking what he said for the past 10 plus years at face value

just looking for some validation really and to see if anyone else has encountered anything like this before.

If I were you i wouldn’t be offering to pay a larger portion of the bills.
you really need to write down ALL of the outgoings and incomings and pay them proportionately.
Either that or if you can trust him (and he you) pool all the money and just pay what’s needed and use what you want (within reason)

Take home pay on £40k is £31k. However, pension contributions and any student loan or child support payment need to be deducted so he's nor far off with £25 k. He sounds quite fair really paying the bills as at least you can spend less on your responsibilities if necessary. I lied to my husband about my inheritance purely because I wanted to save it in case I want to retire before the state pension kicks in when I'm 67 and I didn't want it frittered away. I don't think this is an issue and he may be protecting himself after being burnt by his first wife. Why break up a family over this. Don't we all tell white lies or are frugal with facts sometimes?

It’s not lazy to trust your OH is being honest with you!

Good lord, where on earth did you get all that from?

Have you actually decided what you are going to do next? Do you actually have a plan? It’s clear that he doesn’t see you as a family unit with him asking you to reimburse him for money spent on his children. How dare he? He’s developed a hugely beneficial tactic of storming off to ensure you stay in your “place”. Time to get angry yourself- he’s treating you very badly.
Can you do a credit search eg through the Moneysaving expert credit club?

I think I'd have to use this as an opportunity for a complete overhaul. Either leave him, or draw a line and move on. Open a joint account and pay into it 50% each of all essential outgoings. What is left over in your current accounts is yours. Open a joint savings account and agree an amount to pay in monthly. This will build and cover holidays and emergencies. You need a full understanding of your incomings and outgoings as a family, then cut your cloth.

Frankly as long as he is covering his share of the bills and costs then what he earns is non of your business.

It is not 'financially abusive' to have your own money, its just common sense.

What is financially abusive is demanding to know and have say/control over your partners money regardless of if you are male or female.

Yes, and as well as pension contributions/child support/student loans, there’s actually lots of other deductions there could be which you would know nothing about if you haven’t seen a payslip. Some examples- salary sacrifice schemes, uniform deductions, training deductions, admin fees, union payment.

It really is nowhere near as simple as “he earns x so his take home therefore is y”.

Abs included every single thing for the kids in this . School snacks . Dress down day. Party outfits birthdays party gifts £1 at the shop . Soft play . Day trips . New bedding a pair of socks . Every single thing. Even the file you use to ship the kids around .

This relationship is so unfair and one sided .
I think OP has grown up and her eyes are opened and this marriage isn’t right for her .

Taking out all of the guesswork over what he does earn, the overriding fact is that you are not working together as a couple.

you say you have asked him what he earns and he avoids showing you the paperwork.

Why have you allowed this to continue?

Me and DH have separate accounts (savings and my business account) but we also had a joint account for everyday outgoings. I have access to that and also his payslips. I couldn't exist in a marriage where there wasn't 100% transparency over money.

All the cloak and dagger stuff about looking at the payscale where he works is just , frankly, ludicrous.

I doubt it's accurate anyway because there may be some additional payments that aren't online. It's very unusual for private companies to advertise salaries, and usually this is only available for public sector roles like teaching, nursing, civil service , local government, etc.

You're just going to have to talk to him.

Is he insecure? Is this inflated salary talking himself up?

How is your marriage generally?

Regardless of what he earns I actually feel sympathy for him even though he shouldn’t have lied. He probably felt inferior with his paltry salary and wanted to have a little pride and be the “breadwinner” of the house, as seen by him paying all the big bills. Did he have a traditional upbringing? It might be time for you to step up and share the financial load more.

You think him screaming at OP isn’t abusive ? So yes the finances are her business . He’s treating her like crap so she is within her right to see why she has to put up with this . Which she shouldn’t be “putting up “ with it anyway

I can't believe you have a mortgage with someone with any evidence of their income. HG pregnancy or not, this was a huge oversight be you.

Tbh, this guy sounds like typical older mam, wants younger woman, wants to keep her in her place and respect this authority and not question him.

He just forgot that he needs to earn a hell of a lot more in order to pull that off.

If I were you I would show him your payslips and ask to see his, so you can work out how much money is coming in and where to budget. If he refuses ask him what he is hiding, and say its the only way you can work out finances as you are not aware of each others spending. I'm not entirely happy with my financial situation in my relationship but I can see both sides and we both pay equal bills. Savings go into my account and OH usually puts more in (but often takes them out, but it's for things like petrol because times are hard at the moment).

Has your husband also told friends and family he is on 40k as they are earning similar, or has told family that because that's what they expect of him? Could he actually be earning that and hiding something else such as a child he pays maintenance for?

My deductions used to be huge from my wage because I paid tax, pension, student loan and into a childcare voucher scheme. Some people also do salary sacrifice schemes for bikes and cars too.

When guys are weird with finances my first thought is gambling, but it's because I've been with one of those guys.

This

For a little bit of context my husband pays all the bills and I pay for everything else, things like all of our clothes, everything for the kids, any extras we need, things for the home, and my own personal bills and holidays for just a few examples.

You earn more, but your only outgoings are for clothes, treats, holidays and things for your children.

How old are the children?

I can see your point with this in theory, and completely agree that as long as both partners are contributing equally to the household/family then it is totally okay for the left over money each to be “separate” which is your own to do with as you wish.

The problem though is that without transparency of household finances, it’s simply not possible to know if both are covering “their share”. For example if I was earning 100k a year and told DH I was earning 50k as is he, and we split bills half and half, technically thats “fair” we are both paying equal, but I will be left with significantly more after paying “my share” of the bills, which isn’t fair.

Similarly, how can OP and her partner be sure they are both paying equally if they have never sat down and figured out who is paying how much? He may be paying £x a month on fixed bills but what OP pays could well be variable, meaning that she could end up paying significantly more than him if for example it’s birthdays coming up, or Christmas for kids. Is that fair?

It’s a personal decision that everyone makes in running their family, but you need to have all of the information available to be able to make that call

Do you have children together or are you a step parent to his from another relationship?

It's not clear.

Why should she have checked? As a wife, my default position would be to assume my husband was telling the truth

I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do yet, I think if I confront him it will make a huge issue. Today he is acting completely normal. So I’m going to think on it.

I just want to make it clear that I don’t begrudge him having any money from his mum, I have savings myself (not from my salary every month) I think it’s great to have your own personal rainy day fund. I would never want any of that money, but I what I find disingenuous is saying he doesn’t have money for car repairs when he does. And other things like that. I think he knows that I’ll offer instead which I did do.

also for those who haven’t seen my previous replies, I have offered to pay a share of the bills/to pay off the mortgage to take away some of the financial burden he has set upon himself. But he says no because he doesn’t want me to sit and do a breakdown of the finances.

lastly my share of the finances is equal to his anyway if not more even down to buying his clothes for him so the judgmental people saying I should step up are so wrong. As well as that I do all of the child care, school runs, meals, cleaning, decorating etc

To be fair to the OP, she got married at 20 to a much older man. There was a power imbalance from the start and she probably felt she couldn’t question his salary.

OP, is this a cultural thing? Not many 20 year-old’s get married to 35 year-old divorced men who treat them like children. Was it an arranged marriage etc.?

@housethatbuiltme frankly you should read all the updates. It is her business as he is always at her about money. Wanting paid back for buying his children pjs and storms off when she wants to talk about money.

Perhaps if he would have an open discussion about bills, wages and money in general they wouldn't be in this situation. But he won't talk about it because he is hiding something or trying to get the OP to spend more and more while he possibly spends less.

OP it is not normal to not be able to have a normal adult discussion about finance's. His behaviour to prevent these discussions is abusive. Which is why you avoid them.

The children are mine and his we have two of them, he doesn’t have any children from a previous relationship

It is a huge issue though and trying to pussyfoot around it for ever more won’t make it go away. You’ll just carry on being financially abused until the resentment gives you mental health issues.