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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad my DD missed Christmas dinner

811 replies

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 17:25

My 11yo DD is autistic and she has recently started at a new school. The school have been great in supporting her.

Sadly, she went into a Science class for the first time yesterday and as they have set seats she asked the teacher where she should sit. The teacher snapped at her that she didn't know and she had to stand at the front of the class waiting for the others to sit down which really unsettled and upset her.

Today was their Christmas dinner day and they could go in wearing pyjamas. She was really looking forward to this. But as we got closer to school this morning she got more and more distressed. Once in school she had a full on meltdown that went on for ages. Eventually she calmed down enough for me to leave and they took her up to the Learning support centre where she promptly fell asleep exhausted after her melt down. She missed her Christmas dinner! After a while they asked me to come and pick her up. I feel so sad for her. I'd spent a lot of time preparing her for the Christmas dinner and it was going to be a nice way to introduce her to the canteen. And she was so looking forward to it. All spoilt because a teacher took her bad mood out on her.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 20:40

carolsandchristmas · 19/12/2023 18:04

Disgusting responses here OP.
Sorry this happened.

I'm glad she had a safe space to go.

Do you feel like the school supporting her in the correct way?

Your DD did amazingly just going into school after a set back.

I know I was so proud of her!

The school has honestly been amazing. It seems they have very solid processes but for some reason this hasn't filtered through to this particular teacher. Of course I didn't expect it to be all plain sailing but the timing of this was just such a shame! Everyone was so gutted for her.

OP posts:
voiceofreason4663 · 19/12/2023 20:40

This.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 20:42

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 19/12/2023 18:04

You know the teacher has 29 other kids to deal with as well as about 16 other classes? And its the end of a very, very long term.

Show quote history

Yes and I'm sure the head teacher knows that too. It isn't an excuse to take your bad mood out on a vulnerable DC. All the other teachers have managed without acting like this.

OP posts:
Whyyoulyingfor · 19/12/2023 20:43

I’m a teacher. It is not uncommon for a child to show up with no warning or information. I usually ask them to stand to one side so I can think about where to put them. Other than getting them to stand outside what else are you meant to do? I don’t think this teacher has deliberately set out to upset your daughter. The start of the lesson is the most crucial for setting the tone and if students were being noisy/unruly her priority would have been to settle the whole class.

MalcolmsMiddle · 19/12/2023 20:43

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 20:42

Yes and I'm sure the head teacher knows that too. It isn't an excuse to take your bad mood out on a vulnerable DC. All the other teachers have managed without acting like this.

Show quote history

Nothing factual in your posts can confirm the teacher did this.

43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 20:44

But OP you weren’t there. Your Dd says she snapped. Teachers are being asked so many things by all the chn and thinking about what’s about to happen, instructions for chn and managing behaviour and thinking about seating plans for example.
It’s enough dealing with NT chn but then having to stop and turn and change approach with SEN kids can be really difficult. Most of the time it’s fine but nobody is perfect and there will be lots of these moments.

itsmyp4rty · 19/12/2023 20:44

Who cares if the teacher is NT or ND. If any child politely asks a perfectly reasonable question then no teacher should not be biting their head off. It doesn't matter if it's been a long term or they have 29 other kids. It's no more effort to say, 'just wait a minute and I'll find a space as soon as everyone is in' then it is to snap at them.

I wouldn't ask anything about ASD on AIBU OP. Stick to the SEN board or another site where people have a better understanding of ASD kids and more empathy. On here ND kids and adults are entitled, attention seeking, badly behaved, want privileges and cost the tax payer far too much money.

itsmyp4rty · 19/12/2023 20:46

43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 20:44

But OP you weren’t there. Your Dd says she snapped. Teachers are being asked so many things by all the chn and thinking about what’s about to happen, instructions for chn and managing behaviour and thinking about seating plans for example.
It’s enough dealing with NT chn but then having to stop and turn and change approach with SEN kids can be really difficult. Most of the time it’s fine but nobody is perfect and there will be lots of these moments.

Very is everyone saying this nonsense over and over and over?

The teacher has already admitted that she snapped at the OP's dd.

The teacher did not need to change her approach for the OP's dd.
She just had to not bite her head off for asking a perfectly reasonable question.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 19/12/2023 20:46

Fuck @EnidSpyton I can't imagine how hard that would have been for you. People constantly expecting robotic perfection from teachers but still emotional connections and complaints straight to head teacher? Who on earth would want to be a teacher?.

43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 20:46

I just read the op.

EarringsandLipstick · 19/12/2023 20:48

@EnidSpyton

Your post is so powerful, and moving

You sound like a wonderful teacher. 💐

Xmastime2023 · 19/12/2023 20:48

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 19:15

Yes, she has which is why it's such a big deal when they are able to take part in something. The Learning support staff have worked really hard on it as have I. She was really looking forward to it. Just because she has autism does that mean we shouldn't even try to help her access things?

Show quote history

That’s not what I’m saying, I’m surprised by your reaction to this when you have over a decade of experience of this. Yes it didn’t go as planned today and it’s always hard when our kids are upset but we have to keep going. I think all the talk about resilience should also be applied to you.

LdnAnna · 19/12/2023 20:49

You’re not being unreasonable. There is no need to react to that question with a snappily attitude. She could have calmly stated that she didn’t know and politely asked her to wait for a moment.

Starting a new school can feel scary, as can simply entering a new classroom full of people you don’t know. Being met with that response when already feeling anxious can be upsetting. I can understand why it would make her feel anxious about the school in general.

People are quick to defend the teacher but we wouldn’t tolerate other professions speaking to people like that, no matter what kind of mood they're in. Especially to children and/or people with additional needs!

43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 20:49

This is why so many teachers are at breaking point . Parents want bespoke education in a mainstream setting.

penjil · 19/12/2023 20:50

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 19:59

It was because it was a quiet day as it would only be Y7 in there. She would have LSA support throughout and ear defenders.

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Oh my. I'm really not sure a mainstream school is really the place for your daughter.

If she has to have an assistant and wear ear defenders to eat a meal in the school cafeteria it's a bit concerning.

Is all this stress fair on her? Is there another more specialist school she could attend?

Happilyobtuse · 19/12/2023 20:51

FaiIureToLunch · 19/12/2023 19:34

My son is autistic and you are doing your daughter no favours at all by treating her like a victim. I’d be more bothered about her reaction than missing her dinner

Fully agree with you! I think as parents we have to teach our children to cope with situations not expect everyone to know their issues and adjust. If the child has very specific needs and just can’t cope then best to move out of mainstream school. Expecting teachers and other kids to be aware of all these triggers is not going to work realistically. I can’t see how this child is going to manage on a daily basis if this incident which took place the day before upset her so much that she missed her Christmas dinner the next day!

43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 20:52

@LdnAnna like what? She was asked the stand and wait to find out where to sit.

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 19/12/2023 20:52

Xmastime2023 · 19/12/2023 20:48

That’s not what I’m saying, I’m surprised by your reaction to this when you have over a decade of experience of this. Yes it didn’t go as planned today and it’s always hard when our kids are upset but we have to keep going. I think all the talk about resilience should also be applied to you.

Show quote history

If the lsa team have worked so hard, why did the lsa who is complaining about the science teacher not know where your dd was to sit in the classroom she was supporting her in?

LdnAnna · 19/12/2023 20:52

Snappily? 😂 Snappy*

Jacfrost · 19/12/2023 20:54

penjil · 19/12/2023 20:50

Oh my. I'm really not sure a mainstream school is really the place for your daughter.

If she has to have an assistant and wear ear defenders to eat a meal in the school cafeteria it's a bit concerning.

Is all this stress fair on her? Is there another more specialist school she could attend?

Show quote history

Who are you to comment on whether the OP's DD should be in mainstream or not? Do you actually think you know better about a child you've never met than her actual mother?

Ear defenders are a common adjustment

StupidStunts · 19/12/2023 20:55

43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 20:49

This is why so many teachers are at breaking point . Parents want bespoke education in a mainstream setting.

Edited

This isn't fair. The problem is chronic underfunding for decades, which is on the government, not parents. Many parents have no choice but to send their sen child to mainstream because there is simply no other option. Parents want an education system that doesn't fail and traumatise their child any many many parents and children are being massively failed. Which is also on the bloody government.

43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 20:58

I agree @StupidStunts . The pressure is just too much in mainstream. We can’t be everything to everyone.

Bertiesmum3 · 19/12/2023 20:58

When does everyone’s schools finish for Christmas??
Everyone who I know, they all finished last Friday!

43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 20:59

Wednesday

Jacfrost · 19/12/2023 20:59

Bertiesmum3 · 19/12/2023 20:58

When does everyone’s schools finish for Christmas??
Everyone who I know, they all finished last Friday!

Today.