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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad my DD missed Christmas dinner

811 replies

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 17:25

My 11yo DD is autistic and she has recently started at a new school. The school have been great in supporting her.

Sadly, she went into a Science class for the first time yesterday and as they have set seats she asked the teacher where she should sit. The teacher snapped at her that she didn't know and she had to stand at the front of the class waiting for the others to sit down which really unsettled and upset her.

Today was their Christmas dinner day and they could go in wearing pyjamas. She was really looking forward to this. But as we got closer to school this morning she got more and more distressed. Once in school she had a full on meltdown that went on for ages. Eventually she calmed down enough for me to leave and they took her up to the Learning support centre where she promptly fell asleep exhausted after her melt down. She missed her Christmas dinner! After a while they asked me to come and pick her up. I feel so sad for her. I'd spent a lot of time preparing her for the Christmas dinner and it was going to be a nice way to introduce her to the canteen. And she was so looking forward to it. All spoilt because a teacher took her bad mood out on her.

OP posts:
43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 21:38

And obviously the LSA went and spoke to the parent and or headteacher over such a minor thing. The LSA should’ve managed the child and explained that the teacher would get her seated once she had managed the other chn.

porridgeisbae · 19/12/2023 21:40

It's not even asking teachers to do anything out of the ordinary for kids with SEN. Teachers shouldn't be telling any pupil they're 'in a bad mood' or taking it out on them.

adomizo · 19/12/2023 21:40

WASZPy · 19/12/2023 17:51

Are you sure the chaos and noise of Christmas dinner would have been a nice introduction to the canteen? I can't think of a more difficult day to go there for the first time.

This. I also think it's fair to assume that the teacher didn't snap at her, this may have been your daughters interpretation of the situation. Teachers are just people managing a huge number of different needs and requests its really difficult to please everyone all the time.

MrsWhites · 19/12/2023 21:41

Wow, I hope many of the posters on here don’t work with SEN children!

Clearly a lot of the responders have no clue about autism - to say an autistic child should build resilience or to accuse them of ‘entitlement’ - I’m actually gobsmacked.

I’m sorry your DD missed the Christmas lunch OP, hopefully school have other Christmas events she can join in on!

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 21:42

LividSleep · 19/12/2023 18:13

Why was your daughter new to the class?

How do you know the whole school are aware of her needs?

With the best will in the world, even if they’ve had a whole staff briefing that morning on your particular situation (v unlikely) asking her to wait and see where a seat is just isn’t unusual.

Your ire is misplaced.

She only started 3 weeks ago and hadn't been to that class yet.

I'm aware as the headteacher told me. Plus what I was told by the HOY and Learning support when she started. She wasn't asked to wait and see where a seat was.

I don't have any ire only sadness.

OP posts:
43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 21:43

What exactly was said then op?

penjil · 19/12/2023 21:44

Jacfrost · 19/12/2023 21:15

And you're being completely ignorant to the realities of having a ND child. Perhaps time for you to have some understanding.

Show quote history

Teachers cannot bend over backwards to accommodate special needs in a mainstream school, they can only do their best. The OPs child isn't in the best school for them, and this is why it's tougher than normal. Tougher for everyone.

In year 7, most pupils are pretty much well behaved, but by year 9, the now teenagers will get rowdy, hormonal, and opinionated....and I'm not sure how the OP's daughter will cope then. It must be a worry.

She can't go through 5 years of secondary school wearing ear defenders and having meltdowns.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 21:46

BubblesGalore81 · 19/12/2023 18:15

How was it the teachers fault?

A new autistic 11yo enters her class with a plan to provide extra support at the start of class and settle her quickly and she snaps at the DC and leaves her with no idea what to do causing huge anxiety setting the DC back after having done so well with all the teachers who did follow the plan and didn't take their bad mood out on a vulnerable DC.

OP posts:
43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 21:47

Snapped how? What was said?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 21:50

FrownedUpon · 19/12/2023 18:15

We do children no favours by removing all stressful or triggering situations for them. It means they never learn to cope and see that they can manage anxiety and feeling upset. In my school, we’ve been advised to stop allowing SEN pupils to avoid assemblies etc, but to support them in coping and it’s incredible how their confidence and ability to manage anxious situations has increased.

My DD copes with many, many things in a day that you would have no idea about. As anyone who knows anything about SEN knows things have to be taken step by step. You have to work on things one or a few at a time. Having to cope with rude teachers isn't something that should have to be a priority!

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 19/12/2023 21:51

MrsWhites · 19/12/2023 21:41

Wow, I hope many of the posters on here don’t work with SEN children!

Clearly a lot of the responders have no clue about autism - to say an autistic child should build resilience or to accuse them of ‘entitlement’ - I’m actually gobsmacked.

I’m sorry your DD missed the Christmas lunch OP, hopefully school have other Christmas events she can join in on!

Clearly a lot of the responders have no clue about autism

No, I think that's very clear.

But the OP is far from new to Mumsnet, knows exactly what AIBU is like and yet chose not to post in one of the neurodiverse topics.

Plus she's 1 million percent sure she's right, and point blank refuses to say exactly what the LSA said to back her DC's version up.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 21:52

MistletoeandJd · 19/12/2023 18:15

🤣🤣🤣 mmm a world of ignorance.

Op really sorry this happened its not good at all I hope the school can sort things out in the new year ! Has she got lsa ? Definitely a shame on her losing out =( my dd ( asd) has spent the last 2 days hiding from the chaos by any means necessary =(

Yes, she has a lsa. I hope your DD can come out of hiding and enjoy her Christmas break!

OP posts:
43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 21:52

If an LSA was in the room, why hadn’t they taken charge of your DD on arrival?
Sleeping through lunch was not the teacher’s fault but the fault of the staff the next day.

lavenderlou · 19/12/2023 21:53

The number of people coming on here suggesting that mainstream school might not be the place for OP's DD clearly have absolutely no idea of the state of SEND education in this country.

If you are academically capable there are next to no specialist schools or units for autistic children. The choice is to struggle through mainstream or be home educated.

There are barely any special school places for autistic children with high levels of learning difficulty or non-verbal autistic children.

Hercisback · 19/12/2023 21:55

"rude teachers"

What exactly was said?

One teacher possibly at the end of her tether and who knows what kind of day she'd had leading up to this.

43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 21:56

The funding given to schools for send children does not cover a full time TA so often there are periods of the day, often the afternoon in primary because that’s when none core subjects are taught, when there is no support and the teacher has to manage the whole class and SEN chn alone.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 21:57

MatildaTheCat · 19/12/2023 18:16

@UndertheCedartree sorry your DD had this experience. I have a friend who is a secondary school teacher and she tells me that they are frequently given next to no information on their students’ sn or other issues.

The tone of voice is very much a subjective thing and she probably didn’t mean to sound abrupt though we can’t know either way.

out of interest why on earth is she starting a new school in the last week of term?

Anyway give your girl a hug and move on.

I actually have a friend who works at this school and was part of the reason I chose it as she told me how good they are with SEN including letting all teachers know the plan. And this certainly seems to be the case with her teachers I have spoken to.

I'm pretty confident I do know as 2 people reported her as 'snapping'. Either way she was left not knowing what to do until the LSA stepped in.

She started the school 3 weeks ago after I won an appeal to get her into the school.

OP posts:
VanityDiesHard · 19/12/2023 21:58

Hercisback · 19/12/2023 21:55

"rude teachers"

What exactly was said?

One teacher possibly at the end of her tether and who knows what kind of day she'd had leading up to this.

Why are so many people on this thread bending over backwards to defend this teacher?

carolsandchristmas · 19/12/2023 21:58

43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 20:49

This is why so many teachers are at breaking point . Parents want bespoke education in a mainstream setting.

Edited

Parents want their child to be respected and not snapped at after a perfectly reasonable request.
This is not why teachers are at breaking point. You can blame the government and ofsted for that...

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 21:58

carolsandchristmas · 19/12/2023 18:20

To feel embarrassed by being made to wait a d that the teacher is cross when the child asked a reasonable question is not helping teach the child. She did nothing wrong. It's teaching her that it's okay for adults to be rude to children for absolutely no reason. Being 11 and neurodiverse is completely different to being 18 and neurotypical.

It's nerve wracking starting a new job as an adult. Let alone an autistic child in a new school.

Children can be taught resilience in so many other ways. This is not one of them.

Show quote history

Completely agree.

OP posts:
Hercisback · 19/12/2023 21:58

@lavenderlou The only way I'm reading the posts about mainstream not being suitable, is for the same reason you describe, underfunding. Mainstream is so cut to the bone, the extra support is gone and now mostly falls on to classroom teachers. Leading to situations like OP described.

Your DC has an LSA, why didn't they intervene and direct DC?

MatJas · 19/12/2023 21:59

Thank you she’s feeling a lot better, u sound like a an amazing mum aswell x

43ontherocksporfavor · 19/12/2023 22:00

Underfunding equals stretched teachers.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 22:00

Psychonabike · 19/12/2023 18:22

Goodness. How nice it must be to have the luxury and privilege of being a parent who doesn't have to think about or fight for this stuff...

@UndertheCedartree what a shame the plan wasn't followed. Maybe an addition to the plan? "DD to be accompanied to new situations by member of ASN team for support (to both parties, your daughter and the unfamiliar staff member)". I've been thinking about this because of similar issues. No malintent, just unfamiliarity, and people being reactive to problems rather than proactively avoiding them...and as you know, that's not an approach that works...it's death by a thousand cuts...

Yes, thank you.

OP posts:
Hercisback · 19/12/2023 22:03

What do you actually want now OP?

You can't change the past, you've had a good bitch on MN about the teacher.

What will be different next time?

I'd be questioning why the LSA took so long to react tbh. The LSA should know your DC pretty well three weeks in, unlike the teacher who had met her for 30 seconds.

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