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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

But embarrassing for me, but was DH wrong too?

452 replies

Suze889 · 18/12/2023 17:57

Work night out recently. I got completely hammered on red wine; I must say now and I do mean this, this is really unlike me but it happened so have to to tell the truth. Work colleagues were also drunk but luckily female colleague’s husband was on hand to take us back to hers. I love about 45 minutes away and was supposed to be getting the train home but was not capable of this. I know the shame. This is where it gets weird. Colleague and her husband called my husband from my phone. I was incapable of speaking to him and was lying on sofa. My husband was completely unperturbed by the whole thing, refused to come and pick me up, (it was only nine o’clock) and pretty much left me at my colleagues so I had to stay the night and THEY had to drive me home the next day. So embarrassing. My colleagues were also a bit drunk And outraged at my husband’s behaviour and when he refused to come and pick me up. They called back to discover he had turned his phone off! Now I was completely oblivious to all this happening but now I just feel so little and small. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have collected him, I have done similar before. My colleagues all think he’s a dick but are being polite and I am mortified on all fronts.

OP posts:
tomatoontoast · 18/12/2023 20:12

I wouldn't have collected you either. You were safe with your colleagues.

Viviennemary · 18/12/2023 20:12

You were in the wrong for being so drunk you were unable to speak. Not surprised your DH switched off his phone.

tomatoontoast · 18/12/2023 20:14

DaniO2 · 18/12/2023 20:09

How would he know if she was only drunk or if her drink had been spiked? He wouldn't.

How would he know if she developed acute alcohol posioning and had to be taken to hospital? He wouldn't because he'd turned his phone off.

How would he know she was really safe with those colleagues? Unless he knew them well - and even then - in such a vulnerable state she could have been sexually assaulted.

It might be sexist, but women are more vulnerable when incapacitated by drink and something awful could have happened and her husband didn't care. Turning his phone off is shocking.

I'm sorry OP, you made a silly mistake that lots of us have made in our lives, but your husband is the bad guy here. He left you when you were vulnerable and really needed him to make sure you were safe.

Edited

A lot of whataboutery here.

Her husband knew she was with her colleagues and safe at their house.

Thepossibility · 18/12/2023 20:15

I would be very disappointed in him.
My DH has picked me up many times after nights out. Not these days because we have young kids.
What's the bloody point of having a partner if it's every person for themselves?

Your friends lovely (normal) DH is making yours look like a selfish shithead isn't he?

Ignore the hysterical mob trying to make it seem like you did something wrong having a rare drink at Christmas. They'll kick anyone for anything on here. Your colleagues were shocked because your DH behaviour was shockingly selfish.

User1786 · 18/12/2023 20:16

If this was the other way around and the guy was drunk and his mates called his wife everyone would say leave him to it. FFS

margotrose · 18/12/2023 20:17

I'm torn here.

He knew you were safe and I don't blame him for not wanting a vomiting drunk in his car when you were being cared for elsewhere.

But he shouldn't have turned his phone off. That's really poor.

Jossse · 18/12/2023 20:17

Is this the husband you want in your life? I would not want someone like this as my husband. Sorry op ... no matter what, I'd expect your husband to have your back. Not turn his phone off. What if your drink had actually been spiked/you'd gone to hospital... he wouldn't have known and didn't care until the next morning. I'm feeling red flag 🚩 here with this ... some more conversations with him to be sure

MiddleAgeAllTheRage · 18/12/2023 20:21

Well he's a fucking cold one isn't he!

What's the point of being in a partnership if you can't rely on them to pull you out of a hole now and then even if you WERE being a twat!

PrawnLiberationFront · 18/12/2023 20:21

AtomicBlondeRose · 18/12/2023 18:08

But OP wasn’t lying on the street, she was safe and sound in someone’s house. I don’t think I’d be looking forward to manhandling a drunken adult home and dealing with them potentially puking in my car and otherwise being annoying! Better to leave them where they are.

So instead he left it to a random set of work colleagues to manhandle her, deal with potential puke, and drive her home? Sorry, totally unreasonable. Session recovery is absolutely covered in the "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health" clause of marriage. DH is a dick.

momtoboys · 18/12/2023 20:22

He's taking the piss. My husband would pick me up and think it was hilarious.

BornIn78 · 18/12/2023 20:25

My colleagues were also a bit drunk And outraged at my husband’s behaviour
He turned his phone off as my colleagues kept calling and leaving voicemails.

You're so pissed you've thrown up and you're unable to talk, and he's getting phonecalls off your phone from your "outraged" drunk colleagues who kept calling him and leaving him voicemails.

I bet not a single one of you were making any sense. No wonder he turned his phone off.

I'd love to read the reverse of this and see the AIBU vote.

topnoddy · 18/12/2023 20:26

LylaLee · 18/12/2023 18:01

I know it's far away but even £100 on a taxi would have been better than drunkenly spending the night. "Hi, Jen's husband, she's a little worse for wear. She's had a coffee at ours and a taxi is coming to drop her off at yours. We can cancel it if you would rather drive her."

You reckon any taxi driver is going to take someone so pissed up as the OP anywhere ?

DaniO2 · 18/12/2023 20:26

@tomatoontoast no whatabouttery. I'm not saying "what about" anything. Did you mean "What ifs"?

Any decent partner would be concerned if the woman they are in a relationship with was so out of it they were unable to talk. Unless you're living under a rock, you'd consider the fact her drink could have been spiked.

Her husband found out two people, who had also been drinking and probably in no fit state to assess the situation either, had taken his wife to their house, then he turned off his phone.

Hellenika · 18/12/2023 20:27

BornIn78 · 18/12/2023 20:25

My colleagues were also a bit drunk And outraged at my husband’s behaviour
He turned his phone off as my colleagues kept calling and leaving voicemails.

You're so pissed you've thrown up and you're unable to talk, and he's getting phonecalls off your phone from your "outraged" drunk colleagues who kept calling him and leaving him voicemails.

I bet not a single one of you were making any sense. No wonder he turned his phone off.

I'd love to read the reverse of this and see the AIBU vote.

Same here. If I were so drunk I could not speak, I would not want to be put in any moving vehicle. I’d go sleep it off in the bathtub.

OhMehGoddess · 18/12/2023 20:29

My DH will always pick me up and I will always pick him up.

I've driven his friends home, he's given my friends lifts. Even if out of the way.

I've even done it being heavily pregnant. It really does not bother me.

We both would rather the other safe and I will do the same for my kids.

Ap24 · 18/12/2023 20:30

I've picked my DH up in few states over the years. It's not a regular occurrence but a couple of Christmas parties have got out of hand. And likewise I once got into a proper state after a party, he held my hair back whilst I hugged the toilet. Thankfully we are both older and hopefully a little wiser now. I couldn't be with someone who was so cold and dismissive.

anyolddinosaur · 18/12/2023 20:32

Marriage vows used to include for better or worse, in sickness or in health. you were expected to be there for each other! You could put towels on the seats, get a bowl in case they need to throw up but you go and get them. This was not a friend's house, just a colleague- and a person asking for them to be collected. It was incredibly rude not to go.

This isnt a marriage, this is a friend with benefits.

EvilElsa · 18/12/2023 20:32

What was his answer as to why when you spoke about it? Surely you must have had a conversation regarding everything?
I'd always pick DH up and he would for me.

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 18/12/2023 20:33

I think he was being a dick.
Of course he should have come and got you. You are the woman he loves and you were vulnerable and in a strange place.
Fair enough, he probably wouldn't be delighted - but that said, you are both adults and it was an unusual occurrence, so apart from a fulsome apology from you and the opportunity to mercilessly take the mickey from him, everyone should then move on.

Gensola · 18/12/2023 20:34

@Hatty65 aww aren’t you amazing! Have a prize 🏆

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 20:34

If this was reversed I doubt people would say the wife has to pick the husband up.

Maybe not drink that much next time

DiscoBallEmoji · 18/12/2023 20:35

I am genuinely shocked by the responses by people on here.

I don’t drink and precisely because of situations like this.

You were foolish but you made a mistake and we all do, I’d have been in the car before your colleague had hung up.

If my husband did this to me I would be ‘getting the old ducks in a row’ and preparing for divorce. This is unforgivable in my eyes.

Feeling relieved I’m not married to some of the unsympathetic and selfish on this thread 😅

WestStone · 18/12/2023 20:37

To be honest it is not normal to get drunk to that extent, especially around colleagues. I get it - I’ve been there, and the only times I have got that drunk is when I haven’t been looking after myself - not eating or sleeping enough, not having the sound mind to know my limits, had other things on my mind etc. It’s never just someone accidentally drinking too
much imo - why didn’t you have restraint?

Any over indulgence resulting in you not being able to get yourself home, random people looking after you, throwing up on yourself etc is a problem. I can understand why your husband didn’t want to indulge this - by him showing this boundary, you’re less likely to do it again. However he could have left you in an unsafe situation with strangers so it’s not very caring. You essentially were a burden on everyone

rwalker · 18/12/2023 20:43

WandaWonder · 18/12/2023 20:34

If this was reversed I doubt people would say the wife has to pick the husband up.

Maybe not drink that much next time

I know hilarious double standards

Santashelperisonstrike · 18/12/2023 20:46

You are getting a really hard time for this OP, but even my horrible ex picked me up after I got into a state at a Xmas party.

We’d decided to separate but hadn’t moved out. He hated me, but he still did the right thing. I’d really look at your relationship- he is not behaving like a partner.

I know very many well adjusted, decent, reliable people who have got like this once in their life. The lack of empathy on this thread is appalling!

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