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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

But embarrassing for me, but was DH wrong too?

452 replies

Suze889 · 18/12/2023 17:57

Work night out recently. I got completely hammered on red wine; I must say now and I do mean this, this is really unlike me but it happened so have to to tell the truth. Work colleagues were also drunk but luckily female colleague’s husband was on hand to take us back to hers. I love about 45 minutes away and was supposed to be getting the train home but was not capable of this. I know the shame. This is where it gets weird. Colleague and her husband called my husband from my phone. I was incapable of speaking to him and was lying on sofa. My husband was completely unperturbed by the whole thing, refused to come and pick me up, (it was only nine o’clock) and pretty much left me at my colleagues so I had to stay the night and THEY had to drive me home the next day. So embarrassing. My colleagues were also a bit drunk And outraged at my husband’s behaviour and when he refused to come and pick me up. They called back to discover he had turned his phone off! Now I was completely oblivious to all this happening but now I just feel so little and small. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have collected him, I have done similar before. My colleagues all think he’s a dick but are being polite and I am mortified on all fronts.

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 18/12/2023 19:48

I would pick up dh without question and know he’d do the same. We love each other. If it was all the time then that’s different but as a one off, I’d be really upset and questioning my relationship if dh did this.

iljafjpr · 18/12/2023 19:48

Suze889 · 18/12/2023 19:41

This is a divisive situation. I haven’t ever done this before. He hadn’t been drinking. He turned his phone off as my colleagues kept calling and leaving voicemails.

Thank you for clarifying that you haven't done this before. Your other replies earlier were "I don't do this frequently" which is not a clear "No, I've never done this before".
In which case, yes he is being an arse.

However, if someone had posted that their husband had got himself drunk somewhere a 45 minute drive away and was at a colleague's house and should they go and pick him up, the replies would have been different. I've seen threads like that before and they went along the lines of no, you shouldn't have to drive 90 minutes at night to pick up the drunken slob. Leave him to sober up there and he can get the train back in the morning.

bonzaitree · 18/12/2023 19:50

I’d be straight in the car unless I myself had had something to drink.

Was HE pissed too OP?

GalileoHumpkins · 18/12/2023 19:51

Why are people saying getting so drunk you couldn't speak was a mistake? Most people know when they've had too much, you chose to keep going.

bonzaitree · 18/12/2023 19:51

Also what’s the point of having a partner if they don’t help you at times like this?

Id understand if you did this all the time but as a one off? You may as well be single!

SequinsandSparkle · 18/12/2023 19:52

Honestly, i would have left you there. I cba dealing with someone potentially being sick in my car. You were safe and cared for. I dont see what the problem is 🤷🏻‍♀️

ThreeTescoBags · 18/12/2023 19:53

I’d be straight in the car with a towel, a washing up bowl, and a big bottle of water. So would DH, no questions asked. Paracetamol and a cuppa by the bed in the morning accompanied by mild piss taking and a snuggle.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 18/12/2023 19:53

YABVU. You are a grown woman who should know better.
Yes he should have picked you up but the onus is on you to not get so hammered by 9pm that your work colleagues have to have you back to theirs and make calls for you.
Id feel small in your position too.

Girlontherailreplacementbusservice · 18/12/2023 19:56

Perhaps he posted in MN and said 'it's 9pm and my OH is so pissed they can't speak and are passed out on a friend's sofa should I do a 90 minute round trip to collect them?' and all the vipers assumed DH was a woman and OP was a man and said nope, lock the doors and go to bed.

Jk8 · 18/12/2023 19:56

I'd be more embarrassed about passing out at somebodys house who didnt want me there (🫣) then my husband who may or may not have been annoyed/understanding

At the end of the day these are work 'friends' throwing judgement at you/him because they did something nice (taking you back to theirs) & it backfired on them (not being able get rid of you till the next day) Hes your husband = is this something he would do maliciously/would you have cared about him if they had insisted you stay over night & offered to drive you home ? (With no bad mouthing your marriage behind your back)

Lindjam · 18/12/2023 19:57

Suze889 · 18/12/2023 19:41

This is a divisive situation. I haven’t ever done this before. He hadn’t been drinking. He turned his phone off as my colleagues kept calling and leaving voicemails.

Why did they keep calling him? How odd. I would have turned my phone off too.

MRSMTO · 18/12/2023 19:57

I see the chronically sanctimonious are out in force.

Your husband was a nobhead. You got pissed, not shat on his mother.

Haydenn · 18/12/2023 19:58

Your DH is a complete dick. These things shouldn’t happen, but they do. From a work point of view, from a kindness point of view and from a safety point of view he should’ve picked you up and helped you out

Moreboxeslesswrapping · 18/12/2023 19:59

Sorry OP, my DH would have probably been pissed off but would have come and got me.

Christmassss · 18/12/2023 20:00

My DH is always halfway through a bottle of wine on a Friday night so he couldn’t have got me.

Moreboxeslesswrapping · 18/12/2023 20:00

bonzaitree · 18/12/2023 19:51

Also what’s the point of having a partner if they don’t help you at times like this?

Id understand if you did this all the time but as a one off? You may as well be single!

Yep x 100

musicforthesoul · 18/12/2023 20:01

I'd have been very pissed off about it but can't imagine leaving my partner at a colleagues house overnight in that scenario assuming i was physically ok to pick him up (probably would leave him at a friends).

SomersetLevels · 18/12/2023 20:02

WorriedMum231 · 18/12/2023 18:11

I dunno who thinks YNBU but you definitely are. Your an adult who got yourself into a mess, I wouldn’t have picked you up either.

It’s not a random adult, she’s his wife who had too much to drink and it doesn’t sound like she makes a habit of it. Why would you not collect your partner if they needed it and you could? A couple of times after night out my husband fell asleep on the last train and ended up at the end of the line. I drove the 30 miles to get him because why wouldn’t I? I’ve collected him when trains we cancelled, when he’s been out for a drink, when he’s had a puncture. When my car broke down one freezing night he came out in his car, sent me home in it and waited for the AA to save me from being alone at the side of the road. He gives me lifts when I’m going out. That’s what partners do for each other.

I do wonder sometimes what sort of relationships some people have. I can’t imagine being with someone who didn’t help me out of the shit when I occasionally needed it, even if it was my fault.

VisionsOfSplendour · 18/12/2023 20:02

Christmassss · 18/12/2023 20:00

My DH is always halfway through a bottle of wine on a Friday night so he couldn’t have got me.

But the OPs husband wasn't

chiwowowa · 18/12/2023 20:03

I'm not going to criticise you OP, we all make mistakes. You say you would have picked up your husband - but have you actually ever had to do this for him? Does he drink at all? Some people just can't cope with drunkenness. Like if they've had an alcoholic family member for example. My Mum finds drunkenness really triggering; she didn't have anyone in her family with an issue but grew up in a fishing town and she always tells us how depressing she found it that the men would regularly come back off the trawlers, get blind drunk and pass out in the streets of the town. Bit of random anecdote sorry, but could he have a particular issue with heavy drinking that just made him shut down?

GoonDog · 18/12/2023 20:03

Girlontherailreplacementbusservice · 18/12/2023 19:56

Perhaps he posted in MN and said 'it's 9pm and my OH is so pissed they can't speak and are passed out on a friend's sofa should I do a 90 minute round trip to collect them?' and all the vipers assumed DH was a woman and OP was a man and said nope, lock the doors and go to bed.

Was literally going to say the same thing.

Don't forget how much they'd have the 'ick', about how unattractive it is for adults to get so blindly drunk.

In the real world, I'd expect my husband to get me, and I'd get him, but neither of us would be totally happy with it.

YourNameGoesHere · 18/12/2023 20:04

VisionsOfSplendour · 18/12/2023 20:02

But the OPs husband wasn't

Show quote history

Indeed. I mean the reaching in some of these posts is bonkers.

The OP freely admits she was an idiot but for fucks sake if you can't rely on your own spouse in times where you've been an idiot what's the point in having them around!

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 18/12/2023 20:08

Hatty65 · 18/12/2023 18:03

He sounds a bit rude, but honestly? I have NEVER been so hammered that I couldn't speak, particularly when I was expecting to get public transport home. Surely you just stick to a glass or two in that situation?

He wasn't expecting to do a 90 minute return trip to have to come fetch you, so I think being outraged that he wouldn't come and get you from a situation you were entirely responsible for is a bit unreasonable.

I understand why your colleagues think he is a dick. But I imagine they think it about you too. As an adult you don't carry on like this. Particularly on work nights out. You need to retain a bit of credibility.

This is so helpful after the fact. Really? Judgy pants.

DaniO2 · 18/12/2023 20:09

How would he know if she was only drunk or if her drink had been spiked? He wouldn't.

How would he know if she developed acute alcohol posioning and had to be taken to hospital? He wouldn't because he'd turned his phone off.

How would he know she was really safe with those colleagues? Unless he knew them well - and even then - in such a vulnerable state she could have been sexually assaulted.

It might be sexist, but women are more vulnerable when incapacitated by drink and something awful could have happened and her husband didn't care. Turning his phone off is shocking.

I'm sorry OP, you made a silly mistake that lots of us have made in our lives, but your husband is the bad guy here. He left you when you were vulnerable and really needed him to make sure you were safe.

Summerpeachblossom · 18/12/2023 20:11

Sorry, I'm with your husband on this one - you were safe and being looked after by colleagues, I wouldn't want to have to make a 90 minute round trip at that time in the evening to pick up my drunk husband - I'd let him sleep it off and deal with it the next day. Not sure why your colleagues had to drive you back though - I'd have insisted on getting a taxi or public transport.