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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

But embarrassing for me, but was DH wrong too?

452 replies

Suze889 · 18/12/2023 17:57

Work night out recently. I got completely hammered on red wine; I must say now and I do mean this, this is really unlike me but it happened so have to to tell the truth. Work colleagues were also drunk but luckily female colleague’s husband was on hand to take us back to hers. I love about 45 minutes away and was supposed to be getting the train home but was not capable of this. I know the shame. This is where it gets weird. Colleague and her husband called my husband from my phone. I was incapable of speaking to him and was lying on sofa. My husband was completely unperturbed by the whole thing, refused to come and pick me up, (it was only nine o’clock) and pretty much left me at my colleagues so I had to stay the night and THEY had to drive me home the next day. So embarrassing. My colleagues were also a bit drunk And outraged at my husband’s behaviour and when he refused to come and pick me up. They called back to discover he had turned his phone off! Now I was completely oblivious to all this happening but now I just feel so little and small. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have collected him, I have done similar before. My colleagues all think he’s a dick but are being polite and I am mortified on all fronts.

OP posts:
AngelontopoftheTree · 18/12/2023 18:39

Had your husband had a few drinks so couldn't drive?

19lottie82 · 18/12/2023 18:40

Hmm this is a hard one but if my OH was in the same situation I’d probably leave him to it. You were safe, with people who would look after you and quite frankly I wouldn’t fancy a 90 minute round trip if I was settled for the night. You could have got the train home in the morning, no harm done.

theresastormcoming · 18/12/2023 18:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

similarminimer · 18/12/2023 18:44

It's hard to say without knowing what he said when you asked him why he refused to collect you?

Topseyt123 · 18/12/2023 18:44

I wouldn't drive for 90 minutes in the dark to collect a shitfaced drunk, partner or not. I have poor night vision anyway, and the beginnings of cataracts. I've also had too much bullshit from drunks to risk that crap ever again. Nor would I expect anyone else to collect me.

Our rule is that if you are going out you make sure you can get yourself back. We tried other things and it just didn't work for us.

If he has to drive for 90 minutes to get you then it will be the same on the way back, with a puking drunkard in the car. Three hours driving. Just no!

I don't see the issue. You were responsible for yourself.

MILTOBE · 18/12/2023 18:45

All these people who think her husband was being reasonable! FFS the whole point of having a husband is to have someone who wants to keep you safe and who has your back. She's said it's unlike her. If her husband couldn't come because he'd had a few drinks himself, he could have explained that nicely to her friend and asked if he could pick her up in the morning. He just ignored any further calls.

OP, you and your husband are not in a team. You don't have children. He's told you as clearly as he could that your safety and well being means nothing to him. You have a decision to make.

SadKenny · 18/12/2023 18:45

Topseyt123 · 18/12/2023 18:44

I wouldn't drive for 90 minutes in the dark to collect a shitfaced drunk, partner or not. I have poor night vision anyway, and the beginnings of cataracts. I've also had too much bullshit from drunks to risk that crap ever again. Nor would I expect anyone else to collect me.

Our rule is that if you are going out you make sure you can get yourself back. We tried other things and it just didn't work for us.

If he has to drive for 90 minutes to get you then it will be the same on the way back, with a puking drunkard in the car. Three hours driving. Just no!

I don't see the issue. You were responsible for yourself.

Edited

I agree

Original poster
Suze889 · 18/12/2023 18:47

There is no back story to this. I do not get drunk regularly. My colleagues and I are professionals and I simply hit the red wine on an empty stomach and made a fool of myself. I understand why my husband didn’t collect me, he couldn’t be bothered, he knew I was in colleague’s house etc but as to what he was doing, he’s pretty evasive. Just shrugs and says you got home okay. My colleague’s husband drove me home the next day so no one was over the limit. My colleagues aren’t slagging my husband off, they are much to kind for that, I just think they are bewildered by his behaviour. We don’t have children at home, if we did, I could understand his reluctance.

OP posts:
Cas112 · 18/12/2023 18:50

Do you have kids? My partner would collect me but not if we had kids in bed or getting ready for bed.

Cas112 · 18/12/2023 18:50

Cas112 · 18/12/2023 18:50

Do you have kids? My partner would collect me but not if we had kids in bed or getting ready for bed.

Sorry op just realised you said you don't. He should have collected you the tight arse

Seaside3 · 18/12/2023 18:51

I think you need tomown this inw. You're a professional adult, who didn't recognise that you were getting so drunk you couldn't even speak.

It's not your husbands fault.

Would it have been nice of him to collect you? Yes. Should he have to? No.

For all those saying 'it's a partnership, he should be there', the op should nit have put that kind of pressure on her husband. When was she behaving like.a partner? She chose to get blind drunk, you deal with the consequences.

mathanxiety · 18/12/2023 18:54

Your husband shat all over those people from a great height.

'Rude' doesn't even come close to describing his behaviour.

Christmassss · 18/12/2023 18:54

Was your DH having a drink at home?
You could have got a taxi the next morning.

YeahIsaidit · 18/12/2023 18:55

Maybe DH had had a drink himself and couldn't drive, maybe he didn't want to deal with a drunken mess throwing up all over the car.

You're the one being unreasonable here not your DH, sure it would have been nice if he came to get you but he's not a dick for not wanting to deal with the mess you got yourself into. He's your husband not your babysitter

YeahIsaidit · 18/12/2023 18:56

mathanxiety · 18/12/2023 18:54

Your husband shat all over those people from a great height.

'Rude' doesn't even come close to describing his behaviour.

No OP did getting herself into that state, her husband isn't the dick here

diddl · 18/12/2023 18:56

If he wouldn't collect you that night he should have the next morning I think.

Mikimoto · 18/12/2023 18:57

Maybe DH preferred you to be mortified and embarrassed instead of him?

Cosmosforbreakfast · 18/12/2023 18:57

I'm going to echo a PP and also wonder if you got your drink spiked. Your husband should have been concerned about this possibility too.

His behaviour was disgraceful. Adult or not, blind drunk or not, in a safe place or not, coming to get you should have been his priority.

If he's being evasive about what he was doing is it possible he was with another woman?

Passingthethyme · 18/12/2023 18:58

It's a bit harsh he refused to pick you up, but you're an adult so I don't really see the big deal. You were with friends and was safe.

iljafjpr · 18/12/2023 18:58

Honesty, I do not do this frequently at all

I do not get drunk regularly

Has this happened before or not?
These answers are a bit evasive. "I do not do this frequently at all" is a different answer to "I have never done this before".

If you've never ever done this before and never asked your DH to collect you from a night out drinking then I think yes, he's being a bit unreasonable.
But if he's had to do it before maybe he's a bit sick of it - even if it is infrequent. 45 minutes away means a 90 minute return journey at night. You were safe at your colleague's place. What was the reason for them driving you home the next day instead of you getting the train?

TruffleShuffles · 18/12/2023 18:59

I’m pretty shocked by the many of you who would have left a partner in this situation. Do you all really have nobody in your life that would help you out if you mess up? because presumably if you are not willing to help even your spouse out you can’t expect anyone to do the same for you.

I would genuinely be questioning my relationship if I were you OP. I would have been out the door in minutes to pick up my husband in your situation and so would he. The time for questioning the right or wrongs of the situation would be for the next day.

iljafjpr · 18/12/2023 19:00

Topseyt123 · 18/12/2023 18:44

I wouldn't drive for 90 minutes in the dark to collect a shitfaced drunk, partner or not. I have poor night vision anyway, and the beginnings of cataracts. I've also had too much bullshit from drunks to risk that crap ever again. Nor would I expect anyone else to collect me.

Our rule is that if you are going out you make sure you can get yourself back. We tried other things and it just didn't work for us.

If he has to drive for 90 minutes to get you then it will be the same on the way back, with a puking drunkard in the car. Three hours driving. Just no!

I don't see the issue. You were responsible for yourself.

Edited

Good post.
Also wanted to say, I had my cataracts removed recently and there's nothing more wonderful than when they've finally gone. The sooner you can get rid of them the better, though I don't know how the NHS organizes the waiting list for cataract operations. I'm abroad and "younger people" ie. those under 60 get bumped up the list and you can go on the list as soon as you want after diagnosis even if you can manage.
And yeah night driving is much more difficult with cataracts.

Coralsunset · 18/12/2023 19:03

OP isn’t answering the questions about whether her DH had been drinking, so possibly he had. Which means he couldn’t collect her.

I don’t understand what the issue is with leaving someone somewhere totally safe, fast asleep when they are hammered.

wildwestpioneer · 18/12/2023 19:04

That's awful behaviour on your dh behalf. My dh might have been pissed off and annoyed at having to collect me, but he'd never not come and get me.

As for getting hammered, meh, the vast majority of the time it happens to us all now and again. Embarrassing because it's a works do, yes, out of the norm, nope, you only have to read mn at this time of year to see it happens fairly regularly

Birdcar · 18/12/2023 19:04

He's a dick.

You were so bad that you couldn't even talk to him and he showed no concern for your welfare. I can understand him being unimpressed but he left you in a very vulnerable state.

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