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Original poster

Is DH gaslighting me or have I lost the plot?

141 replies

Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 16:44

I'm feeling really confused. This evening i started peeling carrots and the peeler wouldn't work properly. I called through to my husband to ask if he had noticed anything wrong with it and he picked it up and showed me he could use it, but by pushing the blade away from him rather than pulling towards him which was how it worked previously. I was really confused about why it had changed and asked him if he had done anything to it. He said no, several times, then picked it up again and removed the blade then changed its direction so that it worked the way i expected it to again.

I feel like i am going crazy - but i got the distinct impression he was lying to me and that it was him who had changed the blade in the first place. This feeling got stronger as i watched him remove the blade and switch it over - he had clearly done it before.

I asked him repeatedly if he had changed the blade over but he denied it. When i told him i felt confused and didn't understand how that could be true he changed his story and said he must have done it but he had no memory of doing it at all. Then he said he had changed the blade around on his mum's peeler before which was how he knew how to do it. He didn't say any of this initially so it felt like he was making up the story as he went.

This sounds so completely trivial, and of course the peeler itself doesn't matter at all. But the lying has really frightened me. This isn't the first time he has lied about something trivial to me and then doubled down on it. I am feeling really unsettled and actually quite frightened about being married to someone I can't trust.

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 17/12/2023 16:45

OP i don’t know what to say

But there must be more to this?

if not, then to say you are seeing shadows would be an understatement

escapethemaze · 17/12/2023 16:46

are you pregnant?

Comtesse · 17/12/2023 16:48

Most peelers work in both directions as far as I’m aware. This is not a big deal OP.

CatherinedeBourgh · 17/12/2023 16:49

What? He showed you it was the other way round, showed you how to change it - how is that gaslighting?

My guess is it came off when washing up or something and he just popped it in without thinking in which direction he was putting it without giving it a second thought.

Bobsyouraunty · 17/12/2023 16:50

I understand lying is wrong. But if you believe he has lied in this circumstance, can I ask why it’s affected you so deeply - to make you feel frightened?

Sirzy · 17/12/2023 16:50

Unless there is a massive backstory this seems to fall into the mountain and molehill category

GrumpyOldCrone · 17/12/2023 16:51

If he lies habitually then you can’t trust him. It almost doesn’t matter whether he did anything to the peeler because you can’t trust him to tell the truth about anything.

pickledandpuzzled · 17/12/2023 16:53

They do swap, but he may well have done it while washing up.

JenJenJenJenJenJen · 17/12/2023 16:54

What do you think his motive for lying could be?

escapethemaze · 17/12/2023 16:54

i truly feel sorry for your husband OP

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 16:54

I think because it's such a stupid and pointless lie. It makes me think that if he'll lie about something so minor how can i trust him with other, more important things

OP posts:
tennesseewhiskey1 · 17/12/2023 16:54

Backstory?

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 16:56

The backstory is that i have caught him out in minor lies before, that i strongly suspect he will lie quite readily for an 'easy life', and that he would rather double down and make me doubt myself and my sanity rather than be honest. Even with something so completely inconsequential

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 17/12/2023 16:57

Well, OP, if he's deliberately changed something so you would struggle with it, then lied to make out you're imagining things, that's the very definition of gaslighting.

What other examples do you have?

escapethemaze · 17/12/2023 16:57

whats an example?

SarahAndQuack · 17/12/2023 16:59

I did take a moment working out how to say this, so I hope it comes across right: but I think perhaps what you are interpreting as him 'lying' is just confusion? I have been known to be absolutely dappy about the most obvious things. I'm dyspraxic and I genuinely cannot get a pump-top dispenser bottle (like a handwash bottle) to work first off. I have to hand it to a responsible adult. And I'm honestly quite a capable person otherwise! It's just as if there's some glitch there.

Perhaps you are the same with this? Most peelers can be used either way, and yes, you can flip the blade around to optimise the effect. I should think your partner just didn't like to say 'you muppet, of course it can switch around'.

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 16:59

CantFindTheBeat · 17/12/2023 16:57

Well, OP, if he's deliberately changed something so you would struggle with it, then lied to make out you're imagining things, that's the very definition of gaslighting.

What other examples do you have?

Yeah. That's what i thought. I don't think he deliberately changed it to make me struggle. But i think the easiest thing for him to say in the moment was that he didn't know what had happened to it, and then to commit to that lie. I know it's so minor but the principle of telling the truth really matters to me

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 17/12/2023 17:00

He felt cornered OP.

Seriously - sounds verging abusive to me.

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:01

escapethemaze · 17/12/2023 17:00

He felt cornered OP.

Seriously - sounds verging abusive to me.

You think I'm abusive? Why?

OP posts:
SequentialAnalyst · 17/12/2023 17:02

If he is gaslighting you, as described by @CantFindTheBeat, then he fact that it's "trivial" is part of gaslighting. Small things, that it almost seems petty to mention. Drip drip drip of induced self-doubt.

What else has he done? How do you get on at the moment?

margotrose · 17/12/2023 17:02

This sounds like a communication issue, not a lying issue.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 17/12/2023 17:06

Most peelers work both ways. Maybe it had blunted your way so he swapped it around.
If he was wanting to gaslight you he wouldn’t have shown you that it could be flipped around and just left you puzzling as to how it no longer works for you but does for him.
If he hadn’t previously done anything to it and then he swapped it to help you and you accused him that could make him
feel pretty crap. I think you need to have proof before you start accusing him.

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:07

SequentialAnalyst · 17/12/2023 17:02

If he is gaslighting you, as described by @CantFindTheBeat, then he fact that it's "trivial" is part of gaslighting. Small things, that it almost seems petty to mention. Drip drip drip of induced self-doubt.

What else has he done? How do you get on at the moment?

Yeah i agree. It's small things which i sound mad for raising, but adds up to the overall feeling that I can't trust him.

Generally we have two small kids and our relationship has not been the priority for either of us for quite a long time. So things aren't great really.

OP posts:
DeedlessIndeed · 17/12/2023 17:07

Is it possible DH gets the sense that you don't trust him or what he says? So as a result, he ends up overexplaining?

It is pretty common knowledge to flip over a peeler blade. It seems a bit concerning that you don't feel your partner is honest with you over something so miniscule.

Deedee37 · 17/12/2023 17:09

But how would his thought process have been? ‘I want to make DW crazy so what should I do….oh yes, that’s it, I’ll change the peeler. She’ll struggle to use it and she will ask me if I changed it. Then I will say no’. Seriously, talking of far fetched is an understatement in this case. No one would change the peeler intentionally and expect this outcome, so when you asked him, he obviously said no. He might have changed it without realising, as others said.

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