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Original poster

Is DH gaslighting me or have I lost the plot?

141 replies

Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 16:44

I'm feeling really confused. This evening i started peeling carrots and the peeler wouldn't work properly. I called through to my husband to ask if he had noticed anything wrong with it and he picked it up and showed me he could use it, but by pushing the blade away from him rather than pulling towards him which was how it worked previously. I was really confused about why it had changed and asked him if he had done anything to it. He said no, several times, then picked it up again and removed the blade then changed its direction so that it worked the way i expected it to again.

I feel like i am going crazy - but i got the distinct impression he was lying to me and that it was him who had changed the blade in the first place. This feeling got stronger as i watched him remove the blade and switch it over - he had clearly done it before.

I asked him repeatedly if he had changed the blade over but he denied it. When i told him i felt confused and didn't understand how that could be true he changed his story and said he must have done it but he had no memory of doing it at all. Then he said he had changed the blade around on his mum's peeler before which was how he knew how to do it. He didn't say any of this initially so it felt like he was making up the story as he went.

This sounds so completely trivial, and of course the peeler itself doesn't matter at all. But the lying has really frightened me. This isn't the first time he has lied about something trivial to me and then doubled down on it. I am feeling really unsettled and actually quite frightened about being married to someone I can't trust.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:09

DeedlessIndeed · 17/12/2023 17:07

Is it possible DH gets the sense that you don't trust him or what he says? So as a result, he ends up overexplaining?

It is pretty common knowledge to flip over a peeler blade. It seems a bit concerning that you don't feel your partner is honest with you over something so miniscule.

No, it's hard to explain but he wouldn't normally over explain like that. The only times i can remember him being so defensive in that way where occasions when i later found out he was lying

OP posts:
HalebiHabibti · 17/12/2023 17:10

I have situations like this sometimes OP. I ask DH about a thing, he swears blind that the situation is X, then when questioned he pivots and swears blind the situation is Y, BUT (importantly) refuses to admit any inherent contradiction between what he said before and what he's saying now. I am autistic and it freaks me right out - he is one of the Trusted People in my life so it makes me feel like I don't know what it real.

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:11

HalebiHabibti · 17/12/2023 17:10

I have situations like this sometimes OP. I ask DH about a thing, he swears blind that the situation is X, then when questioned he pivots and swears blind the situation is Y, BUT (importantly) refuses to admit any inherent contradiction between what he said before and what he's saying now. I am autistic and it freaks me right out - he is one of the Trusted People in my life so it makes me feel like I don't know what it real.

Thank you. That's exactly how i feel. We share so much responsibility for our children, lives etc that it scares me to think I can't just trust him completely

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 17/12/2023 17:12

Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:01

You think I'm abusive? Why?

Show quote history

because it’s the way you describe this interaction. I would find you very unsettling if i had been DH

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:13

Deedee37 · 17/12/2023 17:09

But how would his thought process have been? ‘I want to make DW crazy so what should I do….oh yes, that’s it, I’ll change the peeler. She’ll struggle to use it and she will ask me if I changed it. Then I will say no’. Seriously, talking of far fetched is an understatement in this case. No one would change the peeler intentionally and expect this outcome, so when you asked him, he obviously said no. He might have changed it without realising, as others said.

No i don't think he did it with any sort of plan to make me react like this. But i think he probably changed it then saw i was frustrated when i couldn't use it and thought the easiest thing to do was pretend he knew nothing about it

OP posts:
margotrose · 17/12/2023 17:15

Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:13

No i don't think he did it with any sort of plan to make me react like this. But i think he probably changed it then saw i was frustrated when i couldn't use it and thought the easiest thing to do was pretend he knew nothing about it

Show quote history

Hmm.

That's not really gas lighting, more "avoiding an argument".

BMW6 · 17/12/2023 17:15

Sounds like your marriage is in difficulty and this incident is a symptom, not the cause.

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:15

escapethemaze · 17/12/2023 17:12

because it’s the way you describe this interaction. I would find you very unsettling if i had been DH

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Could you say a bit more about what you mean? I certainly don't want to be unsettling in my behaviour towards him, or anyone else

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 17/12/2023 17:15

Well the definition of gaslighting, OP, is the deliberate attempt to make a person doubt themselves.

So if he's NOT doing that intentionally, then it's not gaslighting. It's lying to avoid being found out or having to own up to something,

escapethemaze · 17/12/2023 17:17

Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:15

Could you say a bit more about what you mean? I certainly don't want to be unsettling in my behaviour towards him, or anyone else

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i can’t be faffed truth be told as i don’t think it would make a blind bit of difference

escapethemaze · 17/12/2023 17:17

Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:15

Could you say a bit more about what you mean? I certainly don't want to be unsettling in my behaviour towards him, or anyone else

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how about asking your husband?

escapethemaze · 17/12/2023 17:18

CantFindTheBeat · 17/12/2023 17:15

Well the definition of gaslighting, OP, is the deliberate attempt to make a person doubt themselves.

So if he's NOT doing that intentionally, then it's not gaslighting. It's lying to avoid being found out or having to own up to something,

i suspect he felt cornered based on many similar previous exchanges with his wife

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:18

escapethemaze · 17/12/2023 17:17

i can’t be faffed truth be told as i don’t think it would make a blind bit of difference

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Ok, but i was genuinely asking you in good faith. If you're seeing something I'm not from what I'm describing then I'd be open to understanding that

OP posts:
ganglion · 17/12/2023 17:19

There must be more to this. If this was my husband in this scenario I wouldn't bat an eyelid and would never suspect he was trying to make me question my own reality. However, he's never done anything to make me even remotely suspicious in over a decade.

countvoncount · 17/12/2023 17:19

This is precisely why an awful lot of husbands think their wives are nuts.
I'm lost for words with this one

hotpotlover · 17/12/2023 17:21

If he lies about small things to have an "easy life", it still doesn't mean he's gaslighting you.

Gaslighting is about targeted psychological manipulation and is usually more insidious than lying about a carrot peeler.

SequentialAnalyst · 17/12/2023 17:22

CantFindTheBeat · 17/12/2023 17:15

Well the definition of gaslighting, OP, is the deliberate attempt to make a person doubt themselves.

So if he's NOT doing that intentionally, then it's not gaslighting. It's lying to avoid being found out or having to own up to something,

While this is true, repeatedly lying to take the easy way out can have a similar effect - it confuses the person being lied to in much the same way.

I sometimes overlook the blindingly obvious - when I was with abusive Ex he was quite gleeful if I did something apparently stupid because of this. Did he make you feel stupid?

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:24

SequentialAnalyst · 17/12/2023 17:22

While this is true, repeatedly lying to take the easy way out can have a similar effect - it confuses the person being lied to in much the same way.

I sometimes overlook the blindingly obvious - when I was with abusive Ex he was quite gleeful if I did something apparently stupid because of this. Did he make you feel stupid?

Show quote history

Yeah - that's how i feel. I don't think it's deliberate to begin with, so gaslighting is probably the wrong term. But the impact on me is that I can't be sure whether i can trust him or what to believe

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 17/12/2023 17:24

I believe you OP. I have a liar and a bullshitter for a DH. He has become worse over time and lies over the stupidest, weirdest, most inconsequential stuff. I cannot understand why his first reaction is to lie, even to the children, his mother, the neighbours. Can't wait to get rid.

CantFindTheBeat · 17/12/2023 17:25

OP,

I'm guessing from your user name that you're pregnant?

It's not 100% clear from your posts but you do seem concerned, and it's pretty well documented that abuse can begin during pregnancy.

Not saying your DH is or isn't abusive, but if you're worrried and anxious, do you have someone to speak to in real life?

GatoradeMeBitch · 17/12/2023 17:25

It seems like a strange thing to do. Do you use that peeler often? If someone did that to my vegetable peeler it would take me about 6 months to notice!

This is one of those things where people who don't know you can only give opinions on the information in this post, we don't know what your history is with him, we don't know what your gut feeling is telling you. It's important to pay attention to our intuition, but also accept it can be wrong (for instance I went to visit my ex and his partner and new baby. The baby was playing with a toy that I knew was my sons. Only it wasn't, his was in his toy box when I got home.)

I'd suggest you keep a list on your phone of odd things happening. If next week you find your shampoo in the food cupboard and the week after that all of your left socks go missing, then someone's messing with you. if it's a one-off, then you're probably allowing your current negative feelings about him to influence you.

margotrose · 17/12/2023 17:25

I'd want to figure out why he feels the need to lie.

If he'd said "yes, I changed it and didn't tell you", how would you have reacted?

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:25

Pixiedust1234 · 17/12/2023 17:24

I believe you OP. I have a liar and a bullshitter for a DH. He has become worse over time and lies over the stupidest, weirdest, most inconsequential stuff. I cannot understand why his first reaction is to lie, even to the children, his mother, the neighbours. Can't wait to get rid.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:27

CantFindTheBeat · 17/12/2023 17:25

OP,

I'm guessing from your user name that you're pregnant?

It's not 100% clear from your posts but you do seem concerned, and it's pretty well documented that abuse can begin during pregnancy.

Not saying your DH is or isn't abusive, but if you're worrried and anxious, do you have someone to speak to in real life?

I'm not pregnant now, have a small baby and a toddler. Plenty of support in real life but no one i would open up to about this

OP posts:
WhereIsBebèsChambre · 17/12/2023 17:28

What are the minor lies?

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