Is DH gaslighting me or have I lost the plot?

[Pregnantanddown]

I'm feeling really confused. This evening i started peeling carrots and the peeler wouldn't work properly. I called through to my husband to ask if he had noticed anything wrong with it and he picked it up and showed me he could use it, but by pushing the blade away from him rather than pulling towards him which was how it worked previously. I was really confused about why it had changed and asked him if he had done anything to it. He said no, several times, then picked it up again and removed the blade then changed its direction so that it worked the way i expected it to again.

I feel like i am going crazy - but i got the distinct impression he was lying to me and that it was him who had changed the blade in the first place. This feeling got stronger as i watched him remove the blade and switch it over - he had clearly done it before.

I asked him repeatedly if he had changed the blade over but he denied it. When i told him i felt confused and didn't understand how that could be true he changed his story and said he must have done it but he had no memory of doing it at all. Then he said he had changed the blade around on his mum's peeler before which was how he knew how to do it. He didn't say any of this initially so it felt like he was making up the story as he went.

This sounds so completely trivial, and of course the peeler itself doesn't matter at all. But the lying has really frightened me. This isn't the first time he has lied about something trivial to me and then doubled down on it. I am feeling really unsettled and actually quite frightened about being married to someone I can't trust.

For all you posters on team H, would you be comfortable with a significant other lying so effortlessly? At no point was he prevented from saying to theOP, I don’t have time to pop upstairs, or the more succinct, ‘I’m busy’. Why does there have to be a bloody performance with lies to amp up the drama. If this is what he’s like over trivial things, what must he be like over consequential stuff.

His behaviour speaks to his integrity and if you think it’s restricted to the what the OP has posted, you’d be wrong as it’s probably deeply entrenched behaviour.

I can’t believe you’ve summoned him to your room when he’s working just to say hi and then you’ve got annoyed that he hasn’t reacted the way you wanted him to!

As I explained in a previous post, my post natal anxiety did exactly this to my husband. He got himself tangled in knots over the smallest things. I'd confront him about "lies" which in actual fact would be inconsequential nonsense. But I'd berate him and he'd get all muddled up over things he wasn't lying about, he simply couldn't remember or didn't know what to say to stop me going on and on. It was very confusing for him.

My anxiety led me to be hyper focused on things around the home in particular as my world had simultaneously shrunk with a brand new baby, and become overwhelming and frightening. I was trying to regain control while I figured out motherhood. We had many a "potato peeler moment". I cringe to think of it now and thank god we worked through it.

My husband is a very gentle and quiet soul and I was just lost in the fog of anxiety and projecting onto him things that have happened to me in a previous relationship. He didn't know whether he was coming or going.

If the OP is constantly catching her husband out in "lies" and grilling him, he might in fact be the one who doesn't know which way is up anymore. It's worth examining ourselves in these situations and not just jumping to the conclusion that the husband must automatically be a Machiavellian villain.

Thanks for sharing your experience. It's really helpful to read

I get it, OP. I think a lot of this comes down to personality traits. I’m a very open person and I believe strongly in telling the truth regardless of how small the thing is. If I’ve realised at a later date that I’ve not explained something correctly to someone and therefore it may come across as a lie, I make every effort to explain after the fact, which I’ve found is often confusing to people.

My DH is like yours. His path of least resistance is peppered with small lies. He also jumps to small lies to create a narrative that suits his mood, which seems similar to what your partner did in your last example with the call - my sense is that he made up the call because he felt inconvenienced by your request and it was easier for him to blame something external than take responsibility for saying ‘I don’t want to right now.’

I feel with you two, like me and my DH, it’s different personality types coupled with communication style. The problem is, as you’ve identified, the lies erode trust. It’s not that each situation is problematic alone, it’s the implication of the choices they make.

Sorry to say, but for me it’s one of the reasons I’m going to be leaving (amongst others).

This really resonates, thank you

Unfortunately there are examples from throughout our relationship. All minor in themselves but have undermined my trust in him

Have you considered sitting down with him and explaining how you feel, OP? Set out the examples and also state why it concerns you. See if you can calmly make him understand and see if he’s willing to be more honest and open?

I’m not saying it will work (didn’t it my case - it’s too entrenched in him) but I think it’s worth an attempt.

I agree with every word of this. I also feel some posters on this thread are actually gaslighting you further, OP - people who have no experience of this in a partner have absolutely no idea how much this kind of behaviour does your head in. I don't think you're unhinged/hormonal. No one gets to the stage you have based on absolutely nothing.

I grew up with a parent who would make up small, petty lies (and some huge ones) rather than just own up to something. That, and being scapegoated all through my childhood made me very firm about my boundaries and people telling the truth. The moment someone lies to you, or distorts what happened, they are trying to mess with your reality. It's deeply destabilising unless you're the kind of person who operates on that level as well.

Unfortunately there are some people for whom casual lying/distortion/twisting the truth to suit them is so habitual that they're probably barely even aware they're doing it, and oblivious to the effect on the other person. OP, I wish I knew what the answer was - it's a difficult situation to be in.

Op, I won’t lie it sounds like a very tough situation for him. Damned if he doesn’t damned if he does. In all the examples you’ve given, I don’t think that he has tried to deceive you or gaslight you.

I think it’s important for you to speak to a counsellor as I’d imagine he may feel like he’s walking on eggshells which eventually become mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Well, I'm 2 marriages down from abusive husbands and I totally get this OP. I tried so hard to make my second marriage work but ended up walking away and divorcing because of exactly this type of abuse. The defining clarification that my marriage was truly over was when I realised I couldn't live in a perpetual state of questioning what was real.
Would I live with a man / marry again - unlikely, my experience so far has been sadly disappointing.

I remember lying to people (particularly parents) when younger. It wasn't to 'gaslight' anyone in the sense of trying to make them doubt their sanity (!) but simply to avoid getting into trouble/an interrogation.

Don't do it now but I can imagine if I lived with someone whose MO was to make a mountain out of a molehill over nothing (not saying this is YOU, OP), I might resort to lying simply to avoid the exhaustion and melodrama. The issue with the peeler is such a trivial matter in itself, it's difficult to know whether OP's husband feels like he's living with someone who blows every like thing up into a crisis and therefore (wrongly) lies as a coping mechanism. OR, he's genuinely trying to fuck with her mind.

The fact he backed down and said he must have done it but can't remember, makes me think of someone who is just agreeing to keep the peace and to avoid a continuation of the forensic analysis of a peeler blade's direction.

This is so unfair. While I think it’s important to consider how OP’s partner feels now they are immersed in this cycle, your comment suggests it happened because the OP is too much/anxious. You fail to address that she has BECOME this way as a result of HIS behaviour.

I got as well. He might have panicked when you asked him. But it might have come across like an accusation and if he's sensitive to the feeling he'd done something wrong and fearing backlash, he could have blurted out "no I didn't touch it" on impulse, without really thinking it through. But then when he realised he might have actually changed it, he couldn't go back on it as you might have started a fight about him "lying" in the first place.
Of course this may not be true, I don't know you at all OP, but this could be an explanation for his behaviour here.

I think what we often forget is that if we want people to be 100% honest with us all the time, we should actually make them feel safe to open up with us and not "punish" them for their honesty. Even if they admitted to something they previously didn't want to share or something you think was stupid of them, if you then get upset with them they'll fear being honest with you in the future.

Especially if it's about small things that you then turn into a big deal, he'll think twice about telling you something that actually is a big deal for fear of your reaction and the fall out.

If he had changed the blade around because he prefers it like that would you have given him grief for changing it? Are you very critical of little things he does or doesn't do? If so he may just have said what was necessary for a quiet life.

I would’ve thought my comment addressed it?

From what op has said, I don’t believe his behaviour has warranted such reactions. I understand she’s upset but it just doesn’t match up to the offence.

I struggle to see how his behaviour (from what she has listed) would cause her to have such feelings. That’s why I think she needs to speak to a counsellor about her anxieties. To be honest, I think they need separate and joint counselling to come up with a better way to communicate with each other.