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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH gaslighting me or have I lost the plot?

141 replies

Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 16:44

I'm feeling really confused. This evening i started peeling carrots and the peeler wouldn't work properly. I called through to my husband to ask if he had noticed anything wrong with it and he picked it up and showed me he could use it, but by pushing the blade away from him rather than pulling towards him which was how it worked previously. I was really confused about why it had changed and asked him if he had done anything to it. He said no, several times, then picked it up again and removed the blade then changed its direction so that it worked the way i expected it to again.

I feel like i am going crazy - but i got the distinct impression he was lying to me and that it was him who had changed the blade in the first place. This feeling got stronger as i watched him remove the blade and switch it over - he had clearly done it before.

I asked him repeatedly if he had changed the blade over but he denied it. When i told him i felt confused and didn't understand how that could be true he changed his story and said he must have done it but he had no memory of doing it at all. Then he said he had changed the blade around on his mum's peeler before which was how he knew how to do it. He didn't say any of this initially so it felt like he was making up the story as he went.

This sounds so completely trivial, and of course the peeler itself doesn't matter at all. But the lying has really frightened me. This isn't the first time he has lied about something trivial to me and then doubled down on it. I am feeling really unsettled and actually quite frightened about being married to someone I can't trust.

OP posts:
MsRosley · 17/12/2023 18:46

Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 16:56

The backstory is that i have caught him out in minor lies before, that i strongly suspect he will lie quite readily for an 'easy life', and that he would rather double down and make me doubt myself and my sanity rather than be honest. Even with something so completely inconsequential

I have one of these. He compulsively and reflexively rewrites reality so that he looks pristine, always. It drives me fucking nuts. I do call him out on it, but the problem is he seems to genuinely believe his own BS, even if it directly contradicts something he thought/said five minutes ago. It's like living in my own personal 1984.

EverythingLouderThanEverythingElse · 17/12/2023 18:46

I believe you OP

MsRosley · 17/12/2023 18:48

HalebiHabibti · 17/12/2023 17:10

I have situations like this sometimes OP. I ask DH about a thing, he swears blind that the situation is X, then when questioned he pivots and swears blind the situation is Y, BUT (importantly) refuses to admit any inherent contradiction between what he said before and what he's saying now. I am autistic and it freaks me right out - he is one of the Trusted People in my life so it makes me feel like I don't know what it real.

Exactly like my DH. It's like he's following some internal primary directive of 'I am never, ever wrong.'

Howbizzare22 · 17/12/2023 18:54

Give us other examples for context OP? I totally believe you btw- my ex was a pathological liar. Mind blowing! Its likely this is the case here or you could be being gaslit which would be an even more malicious behaviour on the whole but more context/examples needed.

MsRosley · 17/12/2023 18:56

IDontOftenComment · 17/12/2023 18:25

Sounds like a mountain out of a molehill to me. I wouldn’t have given it a second thought.
I think you’re totally overthinking this OP

Yeah, this is exactly why you shouldn't often comment, @IDontOftenComment

BvlgariQueen · 17/12/2023 19:01

Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 17:01

You think I'm abusive? Why?

Show quote history

He probably lied to avoid getting into conflict with you, because if you are posting on here over something so minor and integrating him over someting most would just ignore and move on with, he probably just doesn't want to deal with it, seemed like an honest mistake on his behalf, i suggest you just move on and try and not be so dramatic. It's just a potato peeler.

If you keep manifesting small things like this it will just damage your relationship and you will both end up creating resentment for each other.

LylaLee · 17/12/2023 19:02

BvlgariQueen · 17/12/2023 19:01

He probably lied to avoid getting into conflict with you, because if you are posting on here over something so minor and integrating him over someting most would just ignore and move on with, he probably just doesn't want to deal with it, seemed like an honest mistake on his behalf, i suggest you just move on and try and not be so dramatic. It's just a potato peeler.

If you keep manifesting small things like this it will just damage your relationship and you will both end up creating resentment for each other.

Show quote history

Do people even read the thread before piping up?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 17/12/2023 19:04

'Piping up'? So "shut up and don't comment unless you agree with me" then?

BvlgariQueen · 17/12/2023 19:06

What more is there to read? she distrusts him because he couldn't remember if he changed the blade on a potato peeler?

Sugarsun · 17/12/2023 19:06

Peelers work both ways.

If you do if one particular way then the blade will blunt over time.
Swapping if around will make it work better.

I find it really concerning that you think he’s lying about this.

Most people would ask and then believe their answer.

Either he is lying about something so trivial or you are paranoid that he’s lying.

Unfortunately none of us can prove whether he’s lying or you’re suffering from MH issues but this is something I would definitely keep an eye on and perhaps write all of your little niggles down.

itsmyp4rty · 17/12/2023 19:10

Mine was a habitual liar like this - it was easier to him to tell a lie than to tell the truth. He also couldn't be to blame for anything. It all stems from childhood and very low self esteem - he also ticked all the boxes for covert narcissism (but it turned out that basically his whole life was a lie so there was much more to it).

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 17/12/2023 19:13

BvlgariQueen · 17/12/2023 19:06

What more is there to read? she distrusts him because he couldn't remember if he changed the blade on a potato peeler?

Exactly and if he's done it for such a sinister reason as op and other posters Think, why on earth would you remain in this relationship? Surely it's over whatevers happened?

Panaa · 17/12/2023 19:14

Deedee37 · 17/12/2023 17:09

But how would his thought process have been? ‘I want to make DW crazy so what should I do….oh yes, that’s it, I’ll change the peeler. She’ll struggle to use it and she will ask me if I changed it. Then I will say no’. Seriously, talking of far fetched is an understatement in this case. No one would change the peeler intentionally and expect this outcome, so when you asked him, he obviously said no. He might have changed it without realising, as others said.

The term "gaslighting" was coined from the 1938 British play called Gas Light, in which a husband manipulates a wife into thinking she is crazy by slyly changing the intensity of the gas lights in their home when she is left alone. He does this in an attempt to make her believe she cannot trust herself or her memory

A lot of people have come to think that gaslighting is just when someone is telling lies to cover their tracks etc and makes the person think they're crazy, but some people do actually try to make their partners doubt their sanity in subtle ways instead.

Funnily enough I had an ex who was a huge gaslighter, it was mainly because he didn't want to explain certain behaviour etc but he also had a bit of the other side to him.
I remember reading examples about gaslighting at the time and one was something about saying they loved popcorn and then denying it the next time.

And my ex actually said the same, he told me he couldn't stand popcorn, but a while after he made out he loved it and always did.

Tbh I was more fixated on the 'bigger' forms of gaslighting but there was probably a lot of other subtle stuff like the popcorn that I missed that would have been slowly having an affect on me too.

NuffSaidSam · 17/12/2023 19:35

@Pregnantanddown I think the poster earlier talking about feeling sorry for your husband was referencing the third degree questioning he got. From your OP, you asked him the same question upwards of ten times until eventually he changed his answer? Then you used the fact that he changed his answer as evidence that he's a liar.

But most people would feel pressured into giving a different answer if someone is asking you the same question over and over and over and over again. Maybe the first 'no' was truthful (to his knowledge, possibly he did it and then forgot) and then under pressure he made something up to stop the interrogation?

I think the normal approach in this situation would have been:

A: Did you change the peeler blade?
B: No
A: oh weird! (carries on peeling carrots)

WhenIsSpringg · 17/12/2023 19:48

I was with a liar like this, who literally lied about what had been for lunch for example. It took me a few years to realise the lies were constant, because I couldn’t credit someone would habitually lie about inconsequential things, where it made no difference at all to lie!

I finally discovered my ex actually took pleasure in lying, a bit like how a kleptomaniac might enjoy stealing just for the thrill of getting away with it…
I discovered it was a lifelong habit do deeply ingrained that ex couldn’t imagine a change, let alone do it

I was too heavily emotionally and practically invested to leave… until I discovered the huge lies, laying undiscovered for years, because I hadn’t been suspicious.
This included criminal acts like small scale theft from the workplace, just for fun.
Another side and way of life I knew nothing about.
I lived with a stranger and a criminal.

Now your eyes are opening, don’t be suprised if huge lies come tumbling out.

People like this have a very confused idea of right and wrong, and can be very charming and people pleasing… in the realms of anti social personality disorder .

They can be secretly vindictive and possibly dangerous in various ways. No conscience.

Be careful. Keep your wits about you.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 17/12/2023 19:50

He could be doing this but can you give us other examples. How is your day to day life with him, is he supported with you and the children.
I had an ex who used to hide the lock up unit key to make me look crazy and when I was actually moving out of that apartment I could not find the key and had to pay landlord price of new lock for it. Also he took the key for the communal bin gate and after we were broke up I was walking with my dog around the communal grounds and saw him at the bin dumping his rubbish and he did not even ever live here. Sneaky and gaslighting narcissist.
Instead of saying anything next time just keep a note of all the little things and write them down, if someone gaslighting you they want you to feel like you are imagining it or losing your mind. Have you a friend or family to talk to but then again he probably comes across all lovely and puts on his best show.
I hope you are ok as do understand when someone is undermining you and it does seem crazy to others unless you have been through it then it is hard to understand it.

whatevss · 17/12/2023 19:52

I believe you OP.

Devonshiregal · 17/12/2023 19:56

Wait - how does he usually use the peeler? If he always pulls but this time immediately pushed (who knew you could do this?!) then he’s lying and he knew he turned it round.

Devonshiregal · 17/12/2023 19:58

Also yes some people do this (especially ones of the male persuasion but certainly not lost of them) they lie for an easy life but it’s kind of pathological because often they’re lying about something that the needn’t lie about. I see that as a massive red flag of someone who can get worse/has a bit of a screw loose

Livelovebehappy · 17/12/2023 20:08

It’s probably more a reflection on you if he is doing minor lying, because it sounds he’s worried about actually owning up to any slight misdemeanours, as he is scared of your reaction. This then makes him lie so as not to incur your wrath.

SauronsArsehole · 17/12/2023 20:25

A normal person, when asked if they’d changed the peeler blade would admit ‘yes, I find it easier this way, here’s how you change it’

the only ways I can fathom someone lying about such a trivial thing

a) survival instinct. We can pick up awful habits from childhood and if growing up in an abusive home denial to literally save our skins was a survival tactic and he hasn’t outgrown it.

or

b) he did it deliberately to confuse you and/or make your task more difficult.

I would be more worried about the later especially after having a baby. Especially as unpleasant men can do this to shake your confidence in yourself and your ability to do anything.

SequentialAnalyst · 17/12/2023 20:28

Livelovebehappy · 17/12/2023 20:08

It’s probably more a reflection on you if he is doing minor lying, because it sounds he’s worried about actually owning up to any slight misdemeanours, as he is scared of your reaction. This then makes him lie so as not to incur your wrath.

Oh well then, that's alright. He had to lie for fear of being told offShock

mumda · 17/12/2023 20:38

We've got a peeler I can't use because the head moves. The others I use with ease. My son showed me how to use the funny one but it works wrong.

Snowdogsmitten · 17/12/2023 21:40

Tandora · 17/12/2023 18:44

Yes but OP hasn’t given any other examples so it’s impossible to know whether this is what is going or or not.

Show quote history

She alluded to other instances so it seemed a fair assumption.

Sugarsun · 17/12/2023 21:52

NuffSaidSam · 17/12/2023 19:35

@Pregnantanddown I think the poster earlier talking about feeling sorry for your husband was referencing the third degree questioning he got. From your OP, you asked him the same question upwards of ten times until eventually he changed his answer? Then you used the fact that he changed his answer as evidence that he's a liar.

But most people would feel pressured into giving a different answer if someone is asking you the same question over and over and over and over again. Maybe the first 'no' was truthful (to his knowledge, possibly he did it and then forgot) and then under pressure he made something up to stop the interrogation?

I think the normal approach in this situation would have been:

A: Did you change the peeler blade?
B: No
A: oh weird! (carries on peeling carrots)

I completely agree.

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