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Original poster

Is DH gaslighting me or have I lost the plot?

141 replies

Pregnantanddown · 17/12/2023 16:44

I'm feeling really confused. This evening i started peeling carrots and the peeler wouldn't work properly. I called through to my husband to ask if he had noticed anything wrong with it and he picked it up and showed me he could use it, but by pushing the blade away from him rather than pulling towards him which was how it worked previously. I was really confused about why it had changed and asked him if he had done anything to it. He said no, several times, then picked it up again and removed the blade then changed its direction so that it worked the way i expected it to again.

I feel like i am going crazy - but i got the distinct impression he was lying to me and that it was him who had changed the blade in the first place. This feeling got stronger as i watched him remove the blade and switch it over - he had clearly done it before.

I asked him repeatedly if he had changed the blade over but he denied it. When i told him i felt confused and didn't understand how that could be true he changed his story and said he must have done it but he had no memory of doing it at all. Then he said he had changed the blade around on his mum's peeler before which was how he knew how to do it. He didn't say any of this initially so it felt like he was making up the story as he went.

This sounds so completely trivial, and of course the peeler itself doesn't matter at all. But the lying has really frightened me. This isn't the first time he has lied about something trivial to me and then doubled down on it. I am feeling really unsettled and actually quite frightened about being married to someone I can't trust.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/12/2023 22:23

@Pregnantanddown

I think you need to get to the root of the issue.

Do you think he's gaslighting you (as in the movie Gaslight) for some nefarious purpose such as to cheat on you or steal from you, or because he sadistically enjoys it or wants to keep you 'down'? Or do you think he simply lies to avoid trouble, like a child who says "I didn't eat the chocolate" with smears all over their face OR because he's afraid of your reaction/overreaction either because of an abusive parent/adult in his past or because you typically do overreact? Do you typically overreact to his 'mistakes' or not doing something you feel he should have done, or do you feel you may be overly suspicious possibly because of things in your past?

I'm not saying he's right to lie, not at all. But knowing why he's doing it can be a key to dealing with it. Obviously if he's truly gaslighting you then you need to leave. But if he's lying out of fear/avoidance that's something that HE should be willing to address with therapy. And if you do typically overreact, then that's something for you to address.

I will say that if your trust in him is truly gone, that is something that is nearly impossible to get back without hard work and professional help.

Weatherwax13 · 17/12/2023 22:36

I totally get it OP. And it is gaslighting. It's not about the bloody peeler, is it?
It's a pattern of dishonesty that completely destabilises you.
Makes you feel like you're going nuts even though you KNOW you're not. And of course you then doubt everything he says, whilst simultaneously beating yourself up for being paranoid.

Ebokebok · 17/12/2023 23:03

Pixiedust1234 · 17/12/2023 17:24

I believe you OP. I have a liar and a bullshitter for a DH. He has become worse over time and lies over the stupidest, weirdest, most inconsequential stuff. I cannot understand why his first reaction is to lie, even to the children, his mother, the neighbours. Can't wait to get rid.

I've known a couple of people like this. They'll say it's a blue car even if it's red and it doesn't matter what colour it is. Pathological liars. I won't have them anywhere in my life.

Sisiwawa · 17/12/2023 23:30

Weatherwax13 - Exactly this.
Op, trust your gut, it will be lots of little pointless lies, as well as big ones.
From experience you can't always prove it, but you can just feel it. You'll start to recognise it more and more, and unless he truly wants to change, it will ruin your relationship because your constantly doubting your own mind, and him.

CaribouCarafe · 17/12/2023 23:39

SauronsArsehole · 17/12/2023 20:25

A normal person, when asked if they’d changed the peeler blade would admit ‘yes, I find it easier this way, here’s how you change it’

the only ways I can fathom someone lying about such a trivial thing

a) survival instinct. We can pick up awful habits from childhood and if growing up in an abusive home denial to literally save our skins was a survival tactic and he hasn’t outgrown it.

or

b) he did it deliberately to confuse you and/or make your task more difficult.

I would be more worried about the later especially after having a baby. Especially as unpleasant men can do this to shake your confidence in yourself and your ability to do anything.

Or alternatively, a) they haven't changed it and are telling the truth, e.g. it naturally blunted over time and OP only just noticed that it was blunt and that her DH has a different technique to her or b) he genuinely forgot that he'd switched it around.

I've met a few people in my life who always choose to interpret other people's actions in the most negative light, e.g. my father in law who genuinely believed his ex wife was somehow making his teaspoons disappear (turns out he was accidentally binning them with his yoghurt pots).

Obviously, there is a slim chance that OP's husband genuinely is just fucking around with her (switching around her peelers, putting her handbag in the freezer to make her think she's going mad etc) but it's more likely that OP is just overanalysing interactions and interpreting them as gaslighting when it could just be thoughtlessness or forgetfulness on his behalf.

Nonetheless, if OP is in a position where she can't trust her husband then the only way to make the marriage work would be couples therapy + therapy targeted just at OP herself to understand where her trust issues stem from. If after both types therapy she still can't trust her husband then she may as well accept the relationship is dead and move on

PollyPut · 18/12/2023 07:09

@Pregnantanddown I would assume that he'd changed it almost on autopilot, and therefore he'd forgotton he'd done it.

I wouldn't think this is gaslighting; I'd start to think he's forgetting that he's done little things (especially ones that come automatically to him)

escapethemaze · 18/12/2023 07:37

PollyPut · 18/12/2023 07:09

@Pregnantanddown I would assume that he'd changed it almost on autopilot, and therefore he'd forgotton he'd done it.

I wouldn't think this is gaslighting; I'd start to think he's forgetting that he's done little things (especially ones that come automatically to him)

oh heavens

are you barking up the “dementia signs” tree?

ScarlettSunset · 18/12/2023 07:48

CaribouCarafe · 17/12/2023 23:39

Or alternatively, a) they haven't changed it and are telling the truth, e.g. it naturally blunted over time and OP only just noticed that it was blunt and that her DH has a different technique to her or b) he genuinely forgot that he'd switched it around.

I've met a few people in my life who always choose to interpret other people's actions in the most negative light, e.g. my father in law who genuinely believed his ex wife was somehow making his teaspoons disappear (turns out he was accidentally binning them with his yoghurt pots).

Obviously, there is a slim chance that OP's husband genuinely is just fucking around with her (switching around her peelers, putting her handbag in the freezer to make her think she's going mad etc) but it's more likely that OP is just overanalysing interactions and interpreting them as gaslighting when it could just be thoughtlessness or forgetfulness on his behalf.

Nonetheless, if OP is in a position where she can't trust her husband then the only way to make the marriage work would be couples therapy + therapy targeted just at OP herself to understand where her trust issues stem from. If after both types therapy she still can't trust her husband then she may as well accept the relationship is dead and move on

Show quote history

I would suggest that anyone who has even the slightest suspicion that their partner may be gaslighting them, should definitely NOT go to couples counselling with them!

hellsBells246 · 18/12/2023 08:12

Op, I believe you. Trust your instincts.

Once a liar, always a liar - unless the liar does some hard work to unpick why they lie, and wants to change!

Contemplates · 18/12/2023 08:51

OP, your post made me think the following:

#1 - it came across as though you felt DH switched the blade to mess with your head. If he did, that's gaslighting. If you are being gaslighted, then you are right to be on your guard and feel psychologically unsafe.

#2 - your subsequent comments suggest it is more about your lack of trust because he tells 'little white lies' all the time and you don't know where you stand. That's not gaslighting; that's a completely different kettle of fish and although it is deeply unpleasant, it is much less sinister.

#3 - His lying is clearly deeply unsettling for you - even if it's not gaslighting - and that is very understandable. Nobody should make you feel less of a human because you need to be in a relationship where you can trust a partner's word, especially in the smaller matters. For some people, this level of trust is not important. To me it is; to you it is. I think it will be to your Child too. Nonetheless, there's a big difference between needing the kind of relationship where you can depend on knowing where you stand with a truth-teller, and being intentionally manipulated by someone gaslighting you. One is unsafe and the other is unacceptable.

TheRealProfessorYaffle · 18/12/2023 08:59

I believe you OP. Even if you can't quite articulate what it is about it that's so unsettling. On the whole I think people should trust their instincts more. Good luck.

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 18/12/2023 09:54

Thank you for all the responses. I'm feeling really confused and upset and wondering if as some posters have said i am to blame for this dynamic because i can overreact/be annoyed when i feel I'm not getting the truth.

Another example just happened this morning. I am ill and was upstairs in bed with baby. DH in office downstairs working. I messaged him asking him to please pop up (just to say hi/have a cuddle. I had already apologised for overreacting yesterday about the peeler). He burst into the room looking annoyed, asked me what i wanted. I said i just wanted to say hi and that he didn't need to come up if he was busy (for context, he will often pop in to see us during the day when he's WFH). He said he was on a work call. I thought that was weird and told him i was sorry to disturb him and that he should go back onto the call. He then said it didn't matter and that it was finishing anyway. I felt he wasn't being truthful and asked him if the call had finished before i messaged him. After a really confusing and frustrating conversation he said that yes, actually the call had finished before i asked him to come up. So why tell me i had interrupted a call?! To make me feel guilty? Why?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 18/12/2023 09:57

Again, it's a minor inconsequential thing and i felt over the top for challenging it. But i feel like he lies to me routinely and i can't bear it.

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 18/12/2023 10:01

why the hell didn’t You go down to him OP?

escapethemaze · 18/12/2023 10:02

i have just read latest exchange and honestly Op i truly stand by my stance that you sound utterly relentless.

He sounds cornered and constantly on the defensive

Original poster
Pregnantanddown · 18/12/2023 10:02

escapethemaze · 18/12/2023 10:01

why the hell didn’t You go down to him OP?

As i said, I'm ill in bed with a sleeping baby on top of me

OP posts:
rosyglowcondition · 18/12/2023 10:03

You sound a very intense and over emotional person. Maybe hormonal with a new baby? You must see that interrupting someone during their working day for something unimportant, is irritating?

Looking at it from his perspective perhaps you make a big issue about tiny issues and he just feels cornered and about to be criticised? Hence he lies about inconsequential things.

I think you need an honest conversation with him and tackle this issue. It's not a good pattern of behaviour to get into, from either of you. Ask why he does things like this.

escapethemaze · 18/12/2023 10:03

Pregnantanddown · 18/12/2023 10:02

As i said, I'm ill in bed with a sleeping baby on top of me

Show quote history

he’s working
if he’s free he will come up

and why the probing. Just leave things be.
Constant spanish inquisition about trivial shit

AgentJohnson · 18/12/2023 10:03

This isn't the first time he has lied about something trivial to me and then doubled down on it.

Theres your answer. He could have said ‘I forgot to switch it back’ but no, first double down and gaslight you into believing that something you have done a million times before was wrong.

This is who he is and more importantly, this is who you know him to be.

macaronicheezepleeze · 18/12/2023 10:04

It all sounds really petty OP and I am also inclined to think he feels like you're on his back too much. If you give him the 3rd degree over things like potato peelers, eventually it's a vicious cycle that leaves him on edge and ready to react badly to anything.

This happened with me when I had post natal anxiety. My personality was already the type that could be like a dog with a bone if I feel that I'm right about something. I'm also highly tuned to lying because of a previous emotionally abusive relationship. But my husband has a heart of gold and never lies or seeks to hurt me or upset me.

However, my anxiety resulted in me overthinking everything and grilling my husband about the most mundane things. It was 100% my baggage. He was constantly on edge and eventually ended up almost primed to react badly to anything I said. We're finally out of that cycle now and go easy on each other. I can look back now and see that I was a bloody nightmare at the time and he can see that I was just an anxious mess and that's how it came out. We look after each other now and don't get on at each other over things that really don't matter.

Oh and we also had the dynamic of new baby and husband working from home. Perhaps he's stressed at work, doesn't appreciate the text when his mind is on other things, and is already primed to be moody with you because he feels stressed out about being grilled about potato peelers.

escapethemaze · 18/12/2023 10:04

He then said it didn't matter and that it was finishing anyway. I felt he wasn't being truthful

what the actual fuck

escapethemaze · 18/12/2023 10:05

leave this poor man be

AgentJohnson · 18/12/2023 10:06

This sounds utterly dysfunctional. I doubt he will change

ShittingPeugeot · 18/12/2023 10:07

countvoncount · 17/12/2023 17:19

This is precisely why an awful lot of husbands think their wives are nuts.
I'm lost for words with this one

Same, I can't believe what I'm reading!

AgentJohnson · 18/12/2023 10:12

He sounds terribly insecure and a very poor communicator. His go to will always be to lie, evade catastrophise and or elaborate. He is more comfortable with you being on the back foot to his front foot.