Tone-deaf family members following MIL’s death

[JaneDoe72]

Just double checking my own instincts here, since I very much want to tell my MIL’s sister to get stuffed.
The background: MIL passed away yesterday morning. For the past year, she’s been in a care home, as she had advancing dementia. Her death was not unexpected as she’d been going downhill drastically in the last 2 weeks. Nevertheless, we were all very sad when we received the news at just gone 10am yesterday morning.
MIL’s sister (let’s call her Debbie) had been with MIL when she died and was the one to break the news. Empathy isn’t Debbie’s strongest suit, as shown by the fact that she informed the family, including MIL’s children, through a note on Facebook Messenger.
A mere two and a half hours later, Debbie messaged DH saying ‘this may be a bit mercenary but [MIL’s] room will need to be cleared fairly quickly, they will charge you till it’s cleared. So you’ll have to do that.’ DH was gobsmacked that anyone could be so tone deaf as to hassle him about clearing his mother’s room when she’s quite literally not even cold yet, so did not respond.
Today I find that since DH failed to respond, Debbie’s been nagging SIL about the same thing. I pointed out to Debbie that the room’s paid for till the end of the month and IMO the family could take a couple of days to grieve before clearing out MIL’s belongings, and she’s getting proper sniffy with me.
Would I be unreasonable to tell her to get nobbled, and at least pretend she has a shred of empathy?

So sorry you’ve lost your mil, especially so close to Christmas, it’s tough. 💐

It would be reasonable for you to keep out of it and let Mil’s children deal with it. I cleared my mum’s care home room the next day just to get it off my to do list. The cost is a bit of a red herring, we had to pay another month although the room was vacated.

Debbie does sound a bit cold, but it is her sister who has died, and maybe her way of processing it is by dealing with practicalities. Maybe she even thinks she's doing you all a favour by flagging up the cost of the room. Maybe she thinks you can get reimbursed if the room can be used by someone else sooner.
I really don't think you should get involved in remonstrating with her, emotions run high at this point ,even if you do think someone is being unempathetic. Let DH deal with his own family, and maybe discreetly check with the home to see if Debbie is correct.

Yeah, I'd agree with @DelphiniumBlue - you may want to vent but maybe Debbie is just processing it differently and wants to be helpful. It's probably not going to help or change anything to confront her about it.

The sister is probably angling to do the clearing herself, so she can pocket valuables. Seen this happen.

Agreed with PP.

The best thing you can do is get all the information from the home. Then when you feel DH is over the initial shock, you can give this to him in a bit more of an empathetic way.

I think you need to tell Debbie to GTF.

Humm mixed emotions from me, having lost my mum 4 weeks ago I would be beyond furious if I was informed of her death by facebook messenger. My DB and I cleared DMs room 3 days after she passed, we were definately working in 'pratical' mode so I can sort of maybe understand Debbie on that one. But everyone will be handling grief differently and I wouldnt face upto her about it. However if your DH is struggling with her then maybe he should.

Unfortunately I wouldn't be surprised if the care home had asked her who is clearing the room. Sad but I have heard this happen. Particularly this close to Christmas, they'll want it empty so they can deep clean it and decorate if needed then move a new client in asap

When I've been bereaved I find comfort in all the practical stuff that i can do, it's not cold, it's just a way of processing grief.

So sorry about your MIL 💐

Oh, me too. Clearly remember my cousins descending on our grandmother’s house like locusts the day after she died.

@coldcallerbaiter
She loved her sister enough to stay with her through her final hours of life
She's likely just being practical. If she was just on the rob, presumably she could have done it before her sister died

Carehomes do ask that rooms are cleared, I did this the same day and another time the following day, they will try and charge you. Maybe it's her way of dealing with this, there will be a lot to sort out this week for whoever is dealing with the practical side. Keep supporting the family,

Sorry your MIL has died.
However the care home will want the room back ASAP. Her sister probably has her practical head on.
My auntie died in her care home room and me and another relative were sorting it before the GP even arrived to do the death cert, while she was still in her bed. It was a chance to chat and finalise it all. Nothing to be gained by leaving it a couple of days. My aunt wouldn't of cared.

I’m still reeling that she broke the news to MIL’s children that their mum had died with a group message on Facebook Messenger, tbh.

Debbie needs to appreciate that your husband and his siblings are next of kin and can do what they want re. the practicalities in their own good time. She is being utterly tactless.

I cleared my late husband's hospice room out a couple of hours after he died because I didn't want to have to go back there again.

Most care homes have waiting lists and put pressure on relatives to clear stuff out asap regardless of when it's paid up to.

I very much want to tell my MIL’s sister to get stuffed.

Really? She's lost her sister and regardless of what she's doing now, you want to tell her to get stuffed? Come on.

So Debbie was with her - had your DH & siblings been taking it in turns to be with MIL? I know it's not possible for everyone to be there at the time of death, but it's really surprising at least 1 of her DC wasn't.

The FB Messenger is really odd, and suggests at an already-problematic relationship.

About the room clearing - I think this is understandable and practical, and my experience too. Tbh I didn't want to leave their belongings there for any length.

Your role is just to support DH & the family. Nobody should overreact to anyone. I'm sorry for all your loss - it's a particularly tough time of to experience bereavement.

Debbie was the one there with MIL when she died. She clearly is close to her sister.

Hmmmm, I don't know, I have sympathy on both sides. This is not some distant relative. This is her sister, who was the one who as actually with her when she died. She will be grieving too, and perhaps not quite knowing what to do with herself. She is dealing with it by being practical, and likely the home has told her that this needs to be dealt with so she is just passing the information on, not being particularly demanding. She could do a lot worse!

Oh lord, “Debbie” is gonna be pissed off if she sees this thread.

The group message of FB messenger does sound pretty rubbish! But again, there are circumstances that can at least partly excuse this. Was there a family FB group set up for sharing things like your MILs condition? Maybe she just would have found making a phone call to share this news really hard, but knew she just had to pass the info on somehow. It can't have been easy for her either.

She was the only one there, where were all of you?

Probably the care home informing her it needs cleared

If I was you, I'd stay out of it and let them all sort it out between themselves - they've all got long connections, and will have relationships that are different to yours who is newer in the family.

I know when my Grandma died, we had to clear the room almost immediately - we had it done before the funeral.

Urgh, emotions run high after a bereavement - and I mean, people getting annoyed and irritated with each other.

Is Debbie elderly? Is she anxious about the room clearing and sees it as a job hanging over her but she is not physically able to do it?

It sounds like she is taking on a lot of the mental load and might not be best equipped to do that at the moment - especially as she was with her sister when she died.

Perhaps it would have been easier for your DH to have replied, absolutely, I'll get on to it...or somesuch, rather than ignoring, which isn't a particularly kind response tbh.

Thanks for the responses and perspective. Yes, Debbie is very much the practical minded one so the theory that this is her way of processing the grief is almost certainly correct [I doubt she’s after any valuables]. It’s also possible that the home prompted the question. I don’t find it odd that the question would be asked and I have no doubt the room will be cleared in the next couple of days – I just found it off to ask it literally hours after MIL’s death.
Yes, various family members were there in the days and hours leading up to MIL’s passing, DH (& I) was there Wednesday and Thursday, SIL spent the whole night Friday to Saturday there; I think she’d just left when MIL passed away yesterday morning.
Don’t worry I’ll keep my temper and support DH in the background. I just needed to vent here 😉