Tone-deaf family members following MIL’s death

[JaneDoe72]

Just double checking my own instincts here, since I very much want to tell my MIL’s sister to get stuffed.
The background: MIL passed away yesterday morning. For the past year, she’s been in a care home, as she had advancing dementia. Her death was not unexpected as she’d been going downhill drastically in the last 2 weeks. Nevertheless, we were all very sad when we received the news at just gone 10am yesterday morning.
MIL’s sister (let’s call her Debbie) had been with MIL when she died and was the one to break the news. Empathy isn’t Debbie’s strongest suit, as shown by the fact that she informed the family, including MIL’s children, through a note on Facebook Messenger.
A mere two and a half hours later, Debbie messaged DH saying ‘this may be a bit mercenary but [MIL’s] room will need to be cleared fairly quickly, they will charge you till it’s cleared. So you’ll have to do that.’ DH was gobsmacked that anyone could be so tone deaf as to hassle him about clearing his mother’s room when she’s quite literally not even cold yet, so did not respond.
Today I find that since DH failed to respond, Debbie’s been nagging SIL about the same thing. I pointed out to Debbie that the room’s paid for till the end of the month and IMO the family could take a couple of days to grieve before clearing out MIL’s belongings, and she’s getting proper sniffy with me.
Would I be unreasonable to tell her to get nobbled, and at least pretend she has a shred of empathy?

As you’ve seen from all the responses OP it’s standard for care homes to ask for the room to be cleared asap. It’s not ideal but otherwise you will have to pay £££.

Dementia care is rarely less than £1000 a week. So it racks up fast.

I’m very pragmatic and wouldn’t at all have a problem with any of this. Including the Facebook messenger announcement.

I lost my Dad to dementia related complications in my 30s. Your MIL was “on her way” for a while. The news wouldn’t have been shocking to her adult children. Phoning round people telling them a loved one has passed is a horrible burden when you are grieving that person yourself and were there in their last moments

The practicalities of dealing with a loved one’s death, including clearing out their room on their care home just is what it is. Presumably MIL’s sister was asked what her plan was after she’d just watched her sister die, so really a message you could chose to ignore for however long is really much less cruel that what she’s likely been dealing with.

We recently lost MIL. She died in a care home. DH called everyone individually and it was awful for him. By the 3rd call he was cracking up so my sympathy is with Debbie.
We had to clear her care home room in a couple of days so it was very much if you want any of the photos/knick knacks you need to let us know tomorrow Or they may be binned.
From my dad's experience waiting I hospital for a care home place we knew there would be people desperate for the place so we understood the urgency.

OP has repeatly said that the room is paid ip for the next 2 weeks.

commonground seriously the dh has to be kind and respond. I mean it's not like he has just lost his mother or anything. Oh wait.

I wouldn't have had a problem with this either. People are often grieving the loss of a person with dementia long before they've actually passed.
Her suggestion that your DH would have to do it makes me wonder about how the 'burden' of care has fallen over the last few years.

It will take longer than you think to clear and it’s Christmas and some homes charge an extra fee when the room is left empty in addition to the rent.

So much naivety on here about care homes and the pressure that is on to clear and empty the room and get the next person in, like as if you have time to dilly dally and do things in your own time.

Yes, good care homes have waiting lists and people who are sitting waiting for a room to come up.

I didn’t begrudge the fast clear when my aunt died because we had waited ages for a room while an old lady was dying previously. It’s cold and clinical but that is the reality of care homes and hospitals. They have someone else who needs your room/bed urgently.

I am sure they have, however, if they can clear out the room out quicker so that another patient can be admitted, wouldn't that be a good outcome for another family

Dh got the news from his dad that his mum had died by group WhatsApp. Literally along the lines of "Mum is dead. Dad" There was no malice involved. Simply he wanted to tell them as soon as he could and was still in shock himself so just did it the quickest and simplest way he could think of in that moment.

Nursing homes do get the stuff out quickly too. When my gran died we had 24 hours to get her stuff out before they put it into storage and charged for it.

I don't think she's being out of line here.

@BIossomtoes To be fair, they did say to get the funeral director to speak to them to arrange the logistics. I think they just wanted to be very clear that she needed to be moved quickly. But yes, it is all a bit brutal reading it back!

Everyone deals with death differently.
My wife is on the spectrum so is so practical and organised. Can seem cold hearted but is her way of dealing and helping.
Don't be too quick to judge.

It's a care home not a hotel. The paid fee is for a living resident that needs carers and support in a residential setting. You don't pay for the room, you pay for everything involved with caring for that person while they are alive. The room is no longer needed.

She's just lost her sister too. She's grieving. We all react differently. She's gone into practical mode ...she needs to get her room sorted out. There are no rights or wrongs here

But OP is assuming that that means they won't be refunded. A number of people have pointed out that that is not necessarily how it works.

If that was what she wanted to do, she could have done it easily during the time she was sitting with her sister, who clearly wouldn't have noticed.

This.

Perhaps she's upset that her sister's children weren't with her when she died?

After my father died my siblings, literally got black sacks and cleared his belongings from the hospital room. BIL also announced his death on Facebook, which really pissed me off.

Suffice to say, people deal with things differently and they ALL think they are being very proactive and resilient and just getting on with the inevitable post death steps.

When my grandmother died, my aunt and gran aunt cleaned out the house. Gran aunt went home with a new wardrobe of clothes and shoes. People are odd and controlling.

As they are all in laws, I would stay out of it.

In my family we always clear things out straightaway, especially if the death was expected. Focussing on the practicalities helps some people to process the finality of the death.

Be kind to her.

Way too much reading into this about the message.
When i lost my dad i could not physically speak. It was expected. But I was devastated. I was with him. Other family were not there due to restrictions and we were all supporting each other via our family WhatsApp.