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Original poster

Tone-deaf family members following MIL’s death

121 replies

JaneDoe72 · 17/12/2023 15:10

Just double checking my own instincts here, since I very much want to tell my MIL’s sister to get stuffed.
The background: MIL passed away yesterday morning. For the past year, she’s been in a care home, as she had advancing dementia. Her death was not unexpected as she’d been going downhill drastically in the last 2 weeks. Nevertheless, we were all very sad when we received the news at just gone 10am yesterday morning.
MIL’s sister (let’s call her Debbie) had been with MIL when she died and was the one to break the news. Empathy isn’t Debbie’s strongest suit, as shown by the fact that she informed the family, including MIL’s children, through a note on Facebook Messenger.
A mere two and a half hours later, Debbie messaged DH saying ‘this may be a bit mercenary but [MIL’s] room will need to be cleared fairly quickly, they will charge you till it’s cleared. So you’ll have to do that.’ DH was gobsmacked that anyone could be so tone deaf as to hassle him about clearing his mother’s room when she’s quite literally not even cold yet, so did not respond.
Today I find that since DH failed to respond, Debbie’s been nagging SIL about the same thing. I pointed out to Debbie that the room’s paid for till the end of the month and IMO the family could take a couple of days to grieve before clearing out MIL’s belongings, and she’s getting proper sniffy with me.
Would I be unreasonable to tell her to get nobbled, and at least pretend she has a shred of empathy?

OP posts:
HappyHamsters · 17/12/2023 16:13

Viviennemary · 17/12/2023 16:01

She is a sister and doesn't have any rights. Your DH and his siblings are the ones who should deal with it unless your mil has instructed otherwise. She has overstepped the line. It's nothing to do with her.

Rights to do what? All the poor woman has done is inform the son that the room needs to be cleared, have you read op post.

pretzelbreath · 17/12/2023 16:13

I'll be honest OP. Unfortunately death isn't that glamorous, you have to be practical. There isn't time for weeping and wailing right away. My mother died last Sunday and it really is a case of sorting this kind of thing out ASAP. I've not had chance to stop and grieve properly yet because of having to sort so much admin out. Luckily I've got an extra month to clear out her flat. My mother also wasn't even cold and I had people from her church group ringing to ask for random bits of paperwork from her office. I'm still waiting for my grieving break down...Debbie is probably stressed to the nines, struggling to process the death of her sister and needs a bit of family support. And actually the room does need clearing so it can be readily available for someone else in need. The home will be getting on to her to do this ASAP. You say it's paid till the end of the month? Then you do have to get cracking as that's 2 weeks away, and Christmas is in between.

The Facebook messenger point is a bit impersonal though. All I can think is maybe she was too emotional to make a phone call.

Telling a woman, who's just witnessed her sisters death, to get stuffed is really cruel though.

sandyhappypeople · 17/12/2023 16:14

I think you need to, politely, wind your neck in, the last thing anyone needs when a family member dies is people kicking off over insignificant bullshit.

MIL has been in a care home, she’s been going downhill rapidly, so you all knew she was dying, informing family on messenger is absolutely fine, it’s better to inform everyone at the same time rather then tell one then tell another, and have a delay while you have to try and explain things over and over, I’m not sure why reading it would make a difference in those circumstances then hearing it in person to be fair.

the care home conversation is like you say her trying to be practical and help in some way, ignoring her completely is horrible, you could just say ‘thank you for the info’ and get to it when you’re ready.

I’m amazed you want to tell her to ‘get stuffed’ YOU sound like the one with a complete lack of empathy, do everyone a favour and stay out of it if you can’t contribute anything useful apart from shit stirring.

Topseyt123 · 17/12/2023 16:16

mottytotty · 17/12/2023 15:54

Would I be unreasonable to tell her to get nobbled, and at least pretend she has a shred of empathy?

Yes, you would. This is the sister of the deceased, who was with her sister when she died on a Saturday morning, when MIL’s own children weren’t.

Not sure why you think it’s your place to tell her to get stuffed. I don’t think she’s the one without empathy.

I have to admit that I agree with this, harsh though it must be to hear.

The room needs to be cleared. It's just one of those things that needs to happen pretty quickly and just can't be left.

Supersimkin2 · 17/12/2023 16:18

Save your powder on
this one.

  1. You’re not family. Neck in now.
  2. Poor Debbie!
  3. Death is a frenzy of activity, get used to it.
  4. Use your energy comforting the grieving.
  5. Send a nice condolence message to Debbie. Today.
Pipsquiggle · 17/12/2023 16:18

People process grief in different ways.

My MIL died a few years ago in a hospice. My DH and his dad were there. My DH wanted a bit of time to process, his dad was WhatsApping about his wife's death to various family members within a 10 minutes of it happening - it's just the way he dealt with things.

They did have to pack up the room within 24 hours as they needed the room for the next patient.

Blinkityblonk · 17/12/2023 16:18

I'd far rather get a message on Messenger (which is private or a small family group) than have a phone call or indeed have to make many phone calls one after the other, making 5 or 6 and having to be the one to tell everyone is horrible, and if that's how you were all communicating up til that point, I think it's absolutely fine, indeed better as you can collect yourself, those phone calls are awful for all concerned.

I don't think she's doing anything wrong at all, I think you are all just upset, which happens when someone dies, which is a shame but quite normal, families end up falling out about tiny things that wouldn't have mattered to the person concerned.

wronginalltherightways · 17/12/2023 16:18

OP, have you forgotten this is your SIL's SISTER and she was with her, and spending time with her, so I'm sure she feels the loss, too. I'm sure she doesn't mean to sound callous? But social skills aren't instilled in everyone.

Cut her some slack. Maybe just trying to get on with things is her way of dealing with the loss. Not to mention, it has probably made her take a cold, hard look at her own mortality as they were from the same generation... and that can be disconcerting for a lot of people.

Eekmystro · 17/12/2023 16:19

YANBU to want to protect your DH and his siblings from an insensitive family member. I don’t think telling her tiger stuffed is helpful but being a buffer is a good idea. Maybe respond to messages for. Her for your DH or manage her for him so the impact on him is less.

I get she is upset at loosing a sister, but notifying your sisters children of her death in a message and not a phone call?? Awful.

housethatbuiltme · 17/12/2023 16:22

DelphiniumBlue · 17/12/2023 15:18

Debbie does sound a bit cold, but it is her sister who has died, and maybe her way of processing it is by dealing with practicalities. Maybe she even thinks she's doing you all a favour by flagging up the cost of the room. Maybe she thinks you can get reimbursed if the room can be used by someone else sooner.
I really don't think you should get involved in remonstrating with her, emotions run high at this point ,even if you do think someone is being unempathetic. Let DH deal with his own family, and maybe discreetly check with the home to see if Debbie is correct.

It in no way helps anyone else though.

I had a family member who lived with my mother set about removing any trace of my mothers existence from the house. Completely cleared everything and loads of stuff has gone missing. Since they lived there (not their house though they where a free lodger) it was done before I knew it.

Non of it was their belongings to get rid of, all done before probate and the will reading. They didn't inherit anything it was all left to me so they where MY belonging to sort.

I cannot get those items back now but its like they where in a trance just erasing everything saying 'it hurt to look at' as if that makes it OK to force their wants on everyone else.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 17/12/2023 16:23

If it hadn’t been a group message then people may have got worked up over who was contacted first. And the home will have a waiting list; I wouldn’t be surprised if they were the ones asking about clearing the room. It’s a difficult time but things have to be done.

Gitfeatures · 17/12/2023 16:31

Back in your box OP. Your husband and SIL are perfectly capable of speaking for themselves, they don't need you getting uppity on their behalf.

TeenLifeMum · 17/12/2023 16:32

Debbie doesn’t want the family paying ridiculous amounts of money (dementia care is roughly £2200 per month). The death wasn’t a shock and although sad, death is also a time for practicalities. Having gone through similar this summer with my grandmother at 97, her comment is absolutely a conversation we had between my uncle and dm (grandmother’s dc) the day she died.

teraculum29 · 17/12/2023 16:32

My care home have policy of 3days after passing to collect stuff. Usually a care home would asked if the family wants to clear the room themselves or want the staff do it for them, and pack the belongings for the family.

BaronessBomburst · 17/12/2023 16:36

When my grandad died, my grandmother sent everyone in the family a generic text.
I asked her about it years later and she explained that she couldn't face telephoning people and talking to them, she only had to type the message once, and everyone got the message at the same time so no-one could be offended at being further down the list, or hearing it from someone else first.
You've already said that Debbie is very practical so using Facebook Messenger is not so strange in the circumstances.

Bobsyouraunty · 17/12/2023 16:36

Debbie seems tone deaf but like other have said there may be reasons.

I wouldn’t insert myself as respectfully she’s lost her sister

widowtwankywashroom · 17/12/2023 16:37

I think you are being mightily unfair to Debbie and its you who should wind your neck in!
She sent a message so you could all be told at the same time, she might not have been emotionally ready to make individual phone calls!
She has just lost her sister!
As for the practicalities, she is being honest rooms do have to be cleared, there will be a w/list for that bed!

BIossomtoes · 17/12/2023 16:37

TeenLifeMum · 17/12/2023 16:32

Debbie doesn’t want the family paying ridiculous amounts of money (dementia care is roughly £2200 per month). The death wasn’t a shock and although sad, death is also a time for practicalities. Having gone through similar this summer with my grandmother at 97, her comment is absolutely a conversation we had between my uncle and dm (grandmother’s dc) the day she died.

Edited

More like in excess of £1k a week.

craigth162 · 17/12/2023 16:42

Jellycats4life · 17/12/2023 15:22

I think you need to tell Debbie to GTF.

This

SadKenny · 17/12/2023 16:43

Don't judge her for the way she communicated the news to you. My dad died recently. I passed on the news via WhatsApp messages.

I couldn't bear to speak the words, and I couldn't stand hearing the voices of the people I'd have to tell. I felt physically sick with grief. I didn't want to have to speak to anyone.

I apologised for telling people via message in the messages themselves, and asked people not to call me or visit for a few days. I just wanted to climb under my duvet and cry.

Everyone is different. You might not like her method of delivery but not everyone communicates or grieves in the same way.

SadKenny · 17/12/2023 16:43

BaronessBomburst · 17/12/2023 16:36

When my grandad died, my grandmother sent everyone in the family a generic text.
I asked her about it years later and she explained that she couldn't face telephoning people and talking to them, she only had to type the message once, and everyone got the message at the same time so no-one could be offended at being further down the list, or hearing it from someone else first.
You've already said that Debbie is very practical so using Facebook Messenger is not so strange in the circumstances.

This exactly.

diddl · 17/12/2023 16:44

This is completely out of order. You have no idea what the arrangements were. People often die when " everyone" isn't there.

I don't mean it as a criticism that others weren't there.

But that she was-hence informed people & passed on the message about the room.

So maybe cut her some slack in how she is handling stuff?

LocalHobo · 17/12/2023 16:44

Debbie was there when your DH wasn't, he should be thanking her.
Having just signed a contract for my DM's care home,I can see I have a maximum of 3 days to clear her room or the staff will do so.

RedHelenB · 17/12/2023 16:46

Jellycats4life · 17/12/2023 15:22

I think you need to tell Debbie to GTF.

I disagree. OP needs to keep out of it and avoid family rifts.

rorret · 17/12/2023 16:47

SadKenny · 17/12/2023 16:43

Don't judge her for the way she communicated the news to you. My dad died recently. I passed on the news via WhatsApp messages.

I couldn't bear to speak the words, and I couldn't stand hearing the voices of the people I'd have to tell. I felt physically sick with grief. I didn't want to have to speak to anyone.

I apologised for telling people via message in the messages themselves, and asked people not to call me or visit for a few days. I just wanted to climb under my duvet and cry.

Everyone is different. You might not like her method of delivery but not everyone communicates or grieves in the same way.

I'm sorry for your loss. I did the same when my parent died, and I'm not seeing the difference with facebook, apart from perhaps people not on facebook, but assume Debbie contacted them separately?

I honestly couldn't face having to have the same conversation 20+ times.

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