Tone-deaf family members following MIL’s death

[JaneDoe72]

Just double checking my own instincts here, since I very much want to tell my MIL’s sister to get stuffed.
The background: MIL passed away yesterday morning. For the past year, she’s been in a care home, as she had advancing dementia. Her death was not unexpected as she’d been going downhill drastically in the last 2 weeks. Nevertheless, we were all very sad when we received the news at just gone 10am yesterday morning.
MIL’s sister (let’s call her Debbie) had been with MIL when she died and was the one to break the news. Empathy isn’t Debbie’s strongest suit, as shown by the fact that she informed the family, including MIL’s children, through a note on Facebook Messenger.
A mere two and a half hours later, Debbie messaged DH saying ‘this may be a bit mercenary but [MIL’s] room will need to be cleared fairly quickly, they will charge you till it’s cleared. So you’ll have to do that.’ DH was gobsmacked that anyone could be so tone deaf as to hassle him about clearing his mother’s room when she’s quite literally not even cold yet, so did not respond.
Today I find that since DH failed to respond, Debbie’s been nagging SIL about the same thing. I pointed out to Debbie that the room’s paid for till the end of the month and IMO the family could take a couple of days to grieve before clearing out MIL’s belongings, and she’s getting proper sniffy with me.
Would I be unreasonable to tell her to get nobbled, and at least pretend she has a shred of empathy?

Every hour that her stuff is in an empty room, someone is lying in a bed in an NHS hospital waiting to be discharged, and someone else is waiting in A+E or in the community for that hospital bed and the treatment they need.
Just get over yourselves and clear the room like her sister who has known her all her life has asked you to do. She's probably asking because she can't cope with it herself after sitting by her DSis's bedside all this time.

So sorry for your loss.

My recommendation is cold politeness for now, leave it 6 months and see how the aunt has behaved, then decide how you feel. She may be awful or may just be grieving, not enough to go on.

My grandfather had some items "lost" by the care home after he died (wallet, watch, a picture, a few books...), so collecting anything sentimental quite quickly is surprisingly important. I'm sure your DH will want to go anyway before too long, the "doing" things can be helpful while waiting for the funeral.

I actually think I know who your MIL’s sister is and she’s a lovely lady. This is how she copes. She loves her sister very much

We had a family group wattsapp when my mum was very unwell and we were expecting her to die, maybe the family couldn't or didn't want to be there towards the end, we all deal with this differently and there is no right or wrong way.

Some people deal with grief differently and find comfort dealing with practicalities and crash later.

Try to be supportive to everyones needs as much as possible.

If she is worried about it your dh can tell her not to and he can call the home and make arrangements for when he or SIL is ready. Or if he/SIL agree to, he can tell her he is not ready yet and ask if she wants to pack up the room for something to occupy her and he will visit, go over the contents with her later. Or arrange a date to meet her there to do together if it is something she would like to do. Whatever works talk to each other and support what each other needs, compromise, you have something huge in common together - you loved MIL and are grieving.

Sorry for your loss.

Maybe Debbie IS just being practical and channelling her grief and shock in this way.

But she’s being bloody tone deaf harassing her nephew and niece. If it’s that important to her, she can start boxing up the room herself.

Yes, her sister has just died and she's not acting in the way you think she should, so give her a load of grief about it. Great idea. Seriously!

As mercenary as it seems, Debbie was just saying what needed to be said. The room is no use to your MIL anymore and there is possibly a waiting list to enter the home.
She has just lost her sister after all, so maybe don't be quite so harsh on her?

I don't think she did anything wrong at all.

It was known that MIL was dying & she informed people when it happened.

She then passed on that the room will be charged for until cleared-hardly hassling anyone imo.

Seems she was the only one who stayed with MIL until the end.

Doesn't that count for anything?

When my mother died we had 3 days to clear her room at the Care Home.
We just put everything into bin bags to bring home, and sort out later.

Would I be unreasonable to tell her to get nobbled, and at least pretend she has a shred of empathy?

Yes, you would. This is the sister of the deceased, who was with her sister when she died on a Saturday morning, when MIL’s own children weren’t.

Not sure why you think it’s your place to tell her to get stuffed. I don’t think she’s the one without empathy.

When my father died I was quite shocked when the people at the hospice asked me to ask my mother to sign some papers. (I was there. My mother wasn't.) I just wasn't in a practical space at that moment in time.. When my father-in-law died in a care home, I was much more aware of how much there was to do, because my husband and I were the ones who were doing it.

And, in a weird way, doing the practical stuff does help. It's a way of realising that the person has gone.

Also difficult to know about how best to tell people. Invdividual phone calls mean having to leave voicemail messages, have long conversations in which you are 'breaking the news' gently. Using an announcement, when a death is expected, does at least have the advantage of meaning people can all pick up the message quite quickly. And it avoids tricky decisions about who to ring first and who is further along in the queue.

Best not to be angry I reckon....

I think you are being very hard on her. It sounds as if she was trying to be helpful as she did say it might sound a bit mercenary and the home would have almost certainly asked her about it. As sad as it is, when someone dies decisions have to be made fairly quickly. People have been outraged to find their relative’s possessions boxed up when they haven’t been able to come in good time. She’s grieving too, she’s there and she’s trying to sort stuff out. It has to be done and your DH should be making his way over to help.

I think this is good advice. Everyone processes grief in different ways and this might be her way. It's why so many family arguments happen after a bereavement. I'd ring the care home for your dh, find out what they need and by when and steer clear of her. You don't need to get involved at all.

Debbie was there when she died and is her sister - on balance she's nearer the centre of grief than you are, OP.

Can't your DH or his sister just reply and sat "thanks Debbie, understood. Yes we will sort it. If the care home hassle you please pass them our way"?

She is a sister and doesn't have any rights. Your DH and his siblings are the ones who should deal with it unless your mil has instructed otherwise. She has overstepped the line. It's nothing to do with her.

I wouldnt appreciate the facebook message (well I wouldnt receive it because Im not on it as such)

But some people deal with this by being very practical and you can bet the care home have been in her ear about clearing the room.

We had similar, not quite the same about other family members from care homes and councils (housing)

When someone dies its overwhelming and if she feels people arent on board with getting things done or not responding, she may feel quite panicked.

I suspect the care home will have said to clear the room. Although it’s not your concern, there will be a family somewhere absolutely desperate for that room. I’d just get it done to be honest. Give that next family the room and peace that their family member will be hopefully settled before Christmas. As I said, I know it’s not your concern but you won’t gain anything by leaving it. We had a week to clear MILs council house when she died. The council desperately needed if for another person.

I understand what you are saying and I am sorry for your loss.

I always find announcing deaths via FB Messenger a little impersonal and cold, but at least not as bad as on the public pages of FB. Some people do it that way though, it just wouldn't be my preference.

Please go easy on Debbie. Certainly don't tell her to get stuffed. That would be a terrible and cruel thing to do (I am sure you don't really intend to do it). She is coping in her own way, as are the rest of you.

The care home staff are likely to have asked the question because they will have almost immediate need of the room. There are very often waiting lists for them. They can't just wait until families "feel ready" to tackle the job of clearing it. That could take far too long. My parents cleared my grandma's nursing home room within a couple of days after she died.

Debbie may be one of those people who cope with these things by going into practical mode and getting things done. There are plenty of us like that. DH and I both are, to a greater or lesser extent.

*Seems she was the only one who stayed with MIL until the end.

Doesn't that count for anything?*

This is completely out of order. You have no idea what the arrangements were. People often die when " everyone" isn't there.
@diddl

OP emotions run high around these times.

Debbie hasn't gone about things the way you or I would but don't inflame the situation . She's dealing with grief , you all are.

You achieve nothing really by putting her straight. Take a step back.

My Mum died this year in a care home, and the care home wanted the room cleared ASAP. Although you have paid for the place until the end of the month, that does not mean that it can sit there empty. They will have to deep the room and make it ready for the next resident.
We cleared my mums room the next day.
I am sorry for your families loss.

That would be equally tone deaf. If anyone else had packed up my mum’s stuff I’d have been incandescent.

So sad that she’s handling this insensitively. My mother didn’t have a lot of stuff with her at her room in the nursing home. Partly because she was very unwell and partly because she was blind so not much need for anything especially visual of her own in what was a nice room. The staff asked if we would like to pack up her stuff or prefer them to. We did it within a week, but they were not rushing us and did not ask about it until about 3 days after she passed away