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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it was weird to show up with prawns?

352 replies

prawngate · 17/12/2023 12:04

Last night had a gathering at DM’s - DB and I plus spouses and our children.

Anyway while we were cooking DM’s phone kept ringing- her DB is calling. After a while I said we need to answer because I was worried something was wrong. In any case he then started ringing me I picked up and he checks we’re at DMs and announces he and new GF are joining us.
He goes on to say they’re bringing prawns and wants to know if we have garlic and lemon.

DM says she did mention we were getting together to him a couple of months ago but he was non committal and didn’t bring it up again.

They show up a few hours later and the new GF has a massive bag of raw prawns - with heads and eyes. She starts skinning them and stuff pulling bits out and giving my mum - who has already cooked a huge buffet for us complete with beef rib and gammon - instructions on what she needs and complaining there isn’t enough lemon.

Apparently the prawns were quite nice (I didn’t want to try them with the heads) but she sat and started cutting huge chunks of prime beef rib off and ate a TON which annoyed DB and I because we were each taking some leftovers home 🤣

Anyway AIBU to say it’s weird to show up to someone else’s Xmas do with a bag of raw prawns and then expect them to supply you with the things to cook it? (And to sit and eat other people’s leftovers)

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 13:14

TurnthePotatoes · 17/12/2023 12:56

Exactly this @Lilithlogic @bellac11 .
Someone giving a valid reason, or declining, then being able to make it is fine. Keeping people as second choice isn't. Being faaaaamily doesn't exclude you from needing basic manners.

The other thing as well, it's OK for one or two people to do this, but not a load. I've had gatherings where a third of people flaked leading to waste, others where a load of extras showed up (after not bothering to reply) leading to a lack of food.

Again, as much as you say you'd be 'happy to see them' if they were truly happy to see you they would have confirmed their attendance rather than leaving it to the last minute.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

Lilithlogic · 17/12/2023 13:14

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 13:11

I like to have plenty of food for guests. I am on a tight budget though so wouldn't necessarily have lots extra in to 'stretch it'. I'd rather just have plenty of food in the first place than to have to eke it out. I'd also like to have plenty for a vegetarian if they were coming.

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Well yes I agree with that, I always over estimate how much to prepare. You would think I'm feeding the 5000 at times.

TinkerTiger · 17/12/2023 13:15

I'm willing to bet money on the fact that this woman is not British and this is a dig at something which she may have thought culturally acceptable

Lilithlogic · 17/12/2023 13:16

prawngate · 17/12/2023 13:00

The prawns travelled in excess of two hours to get to us.

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Now that would be the biggest problem for me. You have to be very careful with seafood.

TurnthePotatoes · 17/12/2023 13:16

Lilithlogic · 17/12/2023 13:13

You can really tell those who would leave family standing at the door as opposed to those who would invite them in for a cup of tea.

You can really tell those who wouldn't respect 'family'... because they are 'family' they must put up with being second best. Never good enough to commit to, but good enough to provide lavishly if you deign to turn up.

FYI I treat everyone with the same respect. Family, friends, acquaintances. I don't modify my behaviour based on some hierarchy.

Clarinet1 · 17/12/2023 13:18

The bit I would take issue with is the needing additional ingredients (causes the hostess inconvenience) and the late arrival. Otherwise I don’t see anything wrong with what this woman did. Some would say it would be rude to turn up empty-handed.
Also, prawns are generally considered somewhat luxurious so a kind contribution.
PS to the OP - you do realise it is important to devein prawns and that you don’t actually eat the heads and tails?

DewHopper · 17/12/2023 13:19

Ginmonkeyagain · 17/12/2023 12:12

Ha! My dad is the kind of guest that would turn up to a party with two unplucked pheasants or a whole box of apples so .... 🤷‍♀️

Edited

Your dad sounds great!

UndertheCedartree · 17/12/2023 13:19

Spirallingdownwards · 17/12/2023 12:58

🙄🤣🤣🤣 They asked ahead did they have garlic and lemon and were told yes. You have very selective reading memory. Perhaps if the answer was no they would have picked some up.

From reading the rest of the OP's clearly bonkers posts the GF complaining was probably more likely just a one off comment like could have done with a bit more lemon.

You seem as put out as the OP that her mum's invited brother came to lunch and contributed. Both weird!

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I think it is you unable to remember what you've read. They did indeed ask if they had garlic and lemon but then demanded more as there wasn't enough!

Ha! I'm suppose I'm as put out as you are that a host dared to expect people to simply let her know if they were coming or not.

Original poster
prawngate · 17/12/2023 13:19

TinkerTiger · 17/12/2023 13:15

I'm willing to bet money on the fact that this woman is not British and this is a dig at something which she may have thought culturally acceptable

Presumably you're assuming I am white British. Incorrect.

But yes we are from different places.

OP posts:
Lilithlogic · 17/12/2023 13:20

TurnthePotatoes · 17/12/2023 13:16

You can really tell those who wouldn't respect 'family'... because they are 'family' they must put up with being second best. Never good enough to commit to, but good enough to provide lavishly if you deign to turn up.

FYI I treat everyone with the same respect. Family, friends, acquaintances. I don't modify my behaviour based on some hierarchy.

Show quote history

Well so do I, I don't differentiate just because one of them had to show their face somewhere else, or were working, or even had a prior appointment. That's life, doesn't make me second best. Is there a reason you are so nasty and condescending

TheKeatingFive · 17/12/2023 13:20

Your mother hosted, so it's really for her to be annoyed or not. You seem overly invested in what happens in her house, especially in claiming food made for the party for yourself (that's the weirdest thing if you ask me).

shearwater2 · 17/12/2023 13:21

I think it's rude to bring anything that means you take up preparation space in the kitchen or takes up the host's time more than shoving something in the oven.

TheKeatingFive · 17/12/2023 13:22

I mean, I bet the prawns were absolutely delicious, so I'd be forgiving of the inconvenience on those grounds.

Nonplusultra · 17/12/2023 13:23

While I think you’re being a bit harsh, guests who bring something that requires taking over my kitchen when I’m hosting drive me mad. It’s not considerate at all. And more so, when I haven’t factored it in to the menu.

YABU grumbling about her eating “your” beef - as the daughter of the host you’re in that grey area between host and guest and violating the rules of both.

NoraBattysCurlers · 17/12/2023 13:24

prawngate · 17/12/2023 12:16

Yes but technically the only invited guests were me, my DB, our spouses and our kids.

Mums DB and his GF were not expected.

Should add mums DB is vegetarian- we hadn't specially prepared anything for him as we didn't know he was coming!

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DM says she did mention we were getting together to him a couple of months ago

It seems your mum invited him. She certainly sounds more hospitable than her mean-spirited daughter.

Middleagedmeangirls · 17/12/2023 13:24

Reading this has made me crave prawns. Adding them to the Ocado delivery right now. Luckily I already have lemon, garlic and beef!

TurnthePotatoes · 17/12/2023 13:25

Lilithlogic · 17/12/2023 13:20

Well so do I, I don't differentiate just because one of them had to show their face somewhere else, or were working, or even had a prior appointment. That's life, doesn't make me second best. Is there a reason you are so nasty and condescending

Edited
Show quote history

It's you who are nasty and condescending. People wanting notice doesn't mean they don't care. Despite your snide remarks about a 'cup of tea' some of us have gone above and beyond for our families. I've been a carer, taken people in when they have nowhere to go, made meals etc. Sometimes, unlike you I can't afford to 'feed the 5000' because of everything I'm already doing so when I do invite people, I need to know whether they're coming or not! If they might not - an tell me - then I can have backup plans or ask them to contribute in a way that will fit.

According to you wanting a bit of notice is inhospitable and uncaring. Try to have a bit of empathy for those who aren't as fortunate. This isn't really about the OP anymore but people's attitude to those who are kind enough to host. It's easy for some, a big effort for others.

HoppingPavlova · 17/12/2023 13:26

Should add mums DB is vegetarian- we hadn't specially prepared anything for him as we didn't know he was coming

Guessing he is pesc and that’s why they came with prawns, thinking otherwise there may just be meat?

I’m from Australia so prawns are virtually a national dish here but I’m just not understanding what you describe. They brought raw prawns to cook? That is really no fuss and then you just peel them to eat (peeling includes deheading). Or, they were raw and partially peeled but with heads left on so you had to sauté them rather than boil? If so, the partially peeled aspect is just plain weird, but if that was the case common sense would have said just slice the heads off with a knife at a lower spot rather than where you would normally ‘peel’ the head off (which is more a twist and rip motion than a peel), then sautee. Did they bring prawn cocktail sauce? It’s weird/rude to bring prawns but not prawn cocktail sauce if not saute/stir frying raw prawns with butter and garlic.

It’s funny though as you seem to think prawns are an odd thing at Xmas. Here if you went somewhere for a Xmas do and there weren’t prawns everyone would be side eyeing each other and shrugging shoulders🤣. Needless to say my Xmas table will obviously have a huge bowl of whole cooked prawns (need to be peeled) alongside the ham/turkey/pork and there will be apple sauce, cranberry sauce and prawn cocktail sauce. Thats normal Xmas fare here. Salads with it and a nice pav to finish.

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/12/2023 13:26

isthismylifenow · 17/12/2023 12:10

Pre-cooked prawns are awful so I would rather have some freshly cooked too.

Bit cheeky though to bring a shedload of raw (unnecessary) prawns and expect other people help you in the preparation and cleaning of them, AND complain that 'there wasn't enough lemon".

Why could she not have cleaned and prepared them before the two of them schlepped them along? And wouldn't the house reek of fish afterwards?

It's definitely weird, OP. Most people would bring chocs, wine or biscuits.

Does she have her own trawler or something?

snowlady4 · 17/12/2023 13:27

I'd be thrilled if someone arrived with fresh prawns for me an prepared them! But I like prawns. They probably cost a fortune too! (Possibly more than what you arrived with?)
They did ask if you had the ingredients before they arrived so you could have asked them to pick up the lemons on the way if it was an issue.
I have relatives who would turn up with nothing so this is definitely better than that!
As for them, eating the beef you wanted to take home... just grow up will you an don't be so mean. It's Christmas, she's family, just don't be so petty! Buy yourself some more beef tomorrow!

Torganer · 17/12/2023 13:28

Sounds amazing!! Would much prefer some fresh prawns than a packet of crappy mince pies! I certainly wouldn’t begrudge anyone invited family eating from the buffet. You sound a bit entitled that the food was only for you.

Silverbirchtwo · 17/12/2023 13:29

You do seem to consider your mother's brother not part of the immediate family. Are they estranged? Or are they close? If they are close it seems perfectly reasonable to just come along to a family gathering and bringing the prawns to make sure there was enough food to go around (since they were somewhat unexpected) seems a great idea. I assume there would be salad with the buffet so I guess he knew there would be something he could eat. I can't imagine any time I would not be welcome at my Brother's house, particularly bearing prawns.

Mplpurple · 17/12/2023 13:29

All I can think of is how lovely to have a buffet and beef! I've not had beef other than in minced/burger form for over 12 months as I simply cannot afford it.

I bet she didn't take a ton. You were just being greedy.

dankfarrik · 17/12/2023 13:30

I'm also confused about the vegetarian bringing prawns. I'm assuming he's not actually vegetarian?

Getamoveon36 · 17/12/2023 13:30

Not usual but sounds like they were making a nice gesture. And not sure about shaming her for eating (as presumably you all did) leaving none for you to take free food home, that’s a weird take.