To see a lot of couples in this situation

[Whatyoutryingtodo]

I see quite a few couples I know irl who've been together several years, engaged, own a house and have children, but no wedding plans made.
They've often been engaged for several years too but don't have any plans to get married, and say stuff like they'll 'get round to it at some point'.

Just curious as to why this happens quite a lot, not judging as I myself am unmarried and childless due to no interested suitors!

I think people will say that the man has everything he needs so why bother marrying her... Sometimes I wonder why people consider marriage more of a commitment than children? At least with marriage you can divorce, even if it's expensive and stressful, children you're tied for life.

For those doubting the complexity/expense of registry office ceremonies, I give you the city of Manchester. 6 slots a week at the minimum fee of £57, no guests allowed! There are no other council venues so I’m not being a bit selective here. They also allow booking up to two years in advance which suggests that availability isn’t great. Yes, I know you can go out the city but my point is that it’s pretty hard to spend just the bare minimum with minimal fuss and planning.

Exhaustion, burn out, too much going on with the kids and work. Excitement has gone, therefore unlikely to be bothered to plan a wedding. Maybe that's just me!

Been engaged 13 years, wanted to buy a house first, then DS1 came along , then covid followed by DS2 , things just seem to crop up. I've never been one to dream about a wedding, will be an abroad one with immediate family when we get around to it. Not worried about financial security, I'm the slightly higher earner, my share of house would pass to our children, and both have each other as beneficiary's of each others pension

My OH and I just didn’t want to waste money on a glorified party, didn’t see the point in getting married, aren’t religious so didn’t have that motivation and don’t enjoy being the centre of attention so the thought of a day focussed on just us made our skin crawl. Marriage was just irrelevant - we’d already made our promises to each other. How would a government official make them any more precious?

We did get married last year, for financial house-buying reasons. Just us, a couple of old dears from the charity shop and the registrar. On a wet autumnal Tuesday. In our lunch break. It was silly and touching and we both mades lots of nervous jokes about jumping out the window and making a run for it. I didn’t take his name. We didn’t swap rings.

We’re now the proud owners of a piece of paper and keep forgetting we’re married. And then remembering every so often and laughing about it. He calls me wifey when he wants to embarrass me. I still call him my other half. Neither of us remembered our anniversary.

I guess marriage isn’t for everyone. It just wasn’t something we saw as necessary until it was.

We got engaged but then I got pregnant, just a few months later DH lost his job and struggled to get another, then my FIL died.
Eight years after getting engaged we finally got married.
My brother was engaged for 10 years (so maybe long engagements just run in our family). I think sometimes life gets in the way of vague plans.

Engaged. Have kids but don’t have the money to get married unfortunately. Don’t really see the big deal to be honest.

Because it doesn’t matter in 2023. Been with partner 20 years two kids, we have tenancy in common so half and half with the house ,which is our main asset. It would be legally better for us to get married but that all seems rather depressing getting married to protect ourselves incase we get divorced! The truth is it seems like a hassle all the preparing , the cost, I don’t like being centre of attention and I cant be bothered!

@Grammarnut Wow. I think that's very sad.

Been together 35 years. Although I'm quite happy for those that wish to get wed I personally have never felt any need to do so. Between his family and mine everybody has been divorced, parents, siblings, grandparents.

They don't offer that many, because it's simply not that popular. The two times I rang up (once at peak time, once not) last year I was always offered a slot within 3 weeks. I don't consider booking time off work/waiting 'planning'. Even going to a show takes more effort with all these strikes and whatnot. Plus it lasts longer so you actually need to eat this is just in and out 30 mins max.

Also surely no guests allowed is what you actually want. If 'minimal fuss and planning' is the aim. The reason I had to ring around all these places was because we wanted a quickie registry wedding (legals needed for one of our ceremonies, in my country), DH parents insisted on being witnesses and changed their flipping minds so many times about where they'd be and where they'd travel to.

0 guests would've been an absolute dream.

Deathbed weddings?
They often bring comfort to people and are about making life easier for the one left behind not just iht reasons.
I remember Ken Dodd’s widow spoke about how moving it was and they were honouring previous promises.

The Manchester one looks nice..I used to work in that building 25 yrs ago.

@Dixiechickonhols No I was saying it's sad that I was told by another poster to have the wedding I don't want because apparently being married os more important than providing for my daughter or taking some time to deal with my fiancés cancer

You are completely missing the point that even married people need wills. And POA.

Also, neither of these things are particularly expensive.

@SisterHyster agree. We had wills done when we bought the house - thrown in. But ‘will week’ often sees them being done very cheaply depending on individual circumstances. Charities often offer them for free or at least they used to.
Poa is £80 if you do it yourself. Plus has the added benefit that other people can be nominated to oversee your affairs if the first nominee is incapacitated or doesn’t want to do it - which marriage doesn’t. Also financial poa can be audited without notice by law, which helps safeguard assets - it’s rare, but does happen.

My DH and I are honest in the fact we married for financial reasons... we probably would have done it eventually but he was about to retire from a public service job and we found his pension stipulations state that the spouse was only recognised if they were married at the point of retirement.
So we arranged a wedding at 6 weeks notice and spent less than £500 for a cracking day at the pub after 2 friends witnessed our marriage. Wouldn't change a thing

The amount of people who don’t have POA is far more concerning than the number of people who aren’t married. My parents recently had to do POA as my mum has dementia; it takes a while to process everything and can only be done before issues arise as you must have capacity to do so. I think a lot of people are in denial about it though; when actually you only have 50% chance of divorce; but 100% chance of declining health and death.

People are talking such tosh saying it costs basically half a grand to a grand for a registry office wedding! Does it fuck! You can get married for around £100!

The Cheapest Option For Getting Married - Savvy in Somerset

Stop making the 'oooh it's so expensive I'd rather take my kids away to Florida/get a new kitchen/update the car' type of excuses.

And as for the people saying 'CBA to waste money on a wedding.' A wedding does not have to cost a lot. Even so, you don't even have to have a wedding to get married.

The level of ignorance on this thread (from some) is staggering.

As I said, don't get married if you don't want, but don't come on here moaning when your partner leaves or dies, and you are left with nothing. No money, no assets. no property, no rights. As I said, you have no more rights to anything of your partner's than the postman does. And no rights when he dies. You should look forward to his family taking over everything if he dies before you.

You do you though eh?

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He didn’t have anywhere to live.

You are spouting absolute nonsense. Any sensible person doesn’t cohabit long term without putting measures in place to protect themselves. And for many; that means not marrying.

If I split from my partner and met someone new I’d absolutely ensure they could never get their hands on any equity I have in this home I own; for example. My kids would get it.

Yes I agree!

@FreshWinterMorning shame it isn’t 2020 but nearly 4 years later and cost significantly more these days.
For a lot of people it’s not about a holiday etc. But it is about paying the electric bill, putting foot on the table or paying the rent today over £400 for a wedding. Not everyone has money left over at the end of the week let alone the end of the month.

List them.

That’s not enough to establish a beneficial interest in someone’s property. Otherwise no one would have a lodger or live with a girlfriend or boyfriend.
Usually there will have been an agreement that the person would benefit from the property and have contributed to it eg lump sum or funding an extension. Each case turns on its own evidence but they are not easy legal claims to pursue.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2
The thing is those with their heads screwed on wouldn't have the money excuse. Because all the legal stuff costs far more than a cheapie wedding.
It's the people who claim they can't afford a wedding but ... can.
There's nothing wrong in people making a sensible, informed decision as to postponing knowing the effects. What's wrong is that so many don't seem to understand the legalities and are more focused on the wedding not knowing the consequences.

Friends of ours were similar, baby was born, mum was severely ill and not only were there issues getting him listened to/visitor rights over her family, he couldn't register the birth, she said some things (postpartum psychosis) that led to them believing he wasn't even her long-term partner but an ex, etc. She was blue-lighted to a maternity psychiatric unit in a different hospital where nobody knew them as a couple so it was all he said she said and that contributed to the big, big mess.

They rushed to the registry office as soon as she was well enough to give notice and married ASAP.

I do think if people don't experience any consequences it's a good thing, they've been lucky. FWIW it's like insurance, it only comes into play in the event of a bad scenario actually occurring. And for some, that benefit doesn't outweigh the cons of legal ties/losing assets/whatever. That's absolutely fine.