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Original poster

To see a lot of couples in this situation

693 replies

Whatyoutryingtodo · 17/12/2023 09:00

I see quite a few couples I know irl who've been together several years, engaged, own a house and have children, but no wedding plans made.
They've often been engaged for several years too but don't have any plans to get married, and say stuff like they'll 'get round to it at some point'.

Just curious as to why this happens quite a lot, not judging as I myself am unmarried and childless due to no interested suitors!

I think people will say that the man has everything he needs so why bother marrying her... Sometimes I wonder why people consider marriage more of a commitment than children? At least with marriage you can divorce, even if it's expensive and stressful, children you're tied for life.

OP posts:
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FreshWinterMorning · 18/12/2023 23:52

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 18/12/2023 23:45

@FreshWinterMorning shame it isn’t 2020 but nearly 4 years later and cost significantly more these days.
For a lot of people it’s not about a holiday etc. But it is about paying the electric bill, putting foot on the table or paying the rent today over £400 for a wedding. Not everyone has money left over at the end of the week let alone the end of the month.

It is NOT over £400. 🙄

You can do it for around £100.

I give up. I get it. You don't want to get married. Fine. As I said, you do you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/12/2023 23:53

I think it’s fine as long as everyone is financially protected for the extent that they need to be. For example - if a woman (usually) gives up work to look after kids, she needs her finances protected either by marriage or by a series of often more complicated arrangements.

However if neither party has done any “giving up” in the other’s interests, they may not need financially protecting, ie a working adult who moves into another working adult’s home, they have not kids or other dependents and everyone goes on working, there wouldn’t be the need to protect finances.

So it all depends.

HamBone · 18/12/2023 23:54

Grammarnut · 18/12/2023 21:56

By doing that you are missing out on all the advantages of marriage, which is a legal contract and has rights and duties attached to it. There is a reason why celebrities suddenly get married on their death beds - it's called inheritance tax.

@Grammarnut This has reminded me of Bob Mortimer marrying his long term partner hours before he underwent major heart surgery. They’d been together for years, had children-but he’s a solicitor by training and obviously realized that if they married, she’d be in a better position if he didn’t survive the operation. Happily he did!

SisterHyster · 18/12/2023 23:54

TurnthePotatoes · 18/12/2023 23:51

@Alphabet1spaghetti2
The thing is those with their heads screwed on wouldn't have the money excuse. Because all the legal stuff costs far more than a cheapie wedding.
It's the people who claim they can't afford a wedding but ... can.
There's nothing wrong in people making a sensible, informed decision as to postponing knowing the effects. What's wrong is that so many don't seem to understand the legalities and are more focused on the wedding not knowing the consequences.

Friends of ours were similar, baby was born, mum was severely ill and not only were there issues getting him listened to/visitor rights over her family, he couldn't register the birth, she said some things (postpartum psychosis) that led to them believing he wasn't even her long-term partner but an ex, etc. She was blue-lighted to a maternity psychiatric unit in a different hospital where nobody knew them as a couple so it was all he said she said and that contributed to the big, big mess.

They rushed to the registry office as soon as she was well enough to give notice and married ASAP.

I do think if people don't experience any consequences it's a good thing, they've been lucky. FWIW it's like insurance, it only comes into play in the event of a bad scenario actually occurring. And for some, that benefit doesn't outweigh the cons of legal ties/losing assets/whatever. That's absolutely fine.

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Those with their heads screwed on are doing the legal stuff even if they are married. You still need POA and a will. You can circumvent the wedding; but not the POA or the will.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 18/12/2023 23:56

@FreshWinterMorning it is at our local registry office - and plenty of others. You just don’t want to look at todays pricing. Incidentally I never said I don’t want to get married. I do, but I don’t want to lay the money that’s being asked. As I said, we have done other legal paperwork which gives more protection and for less money.

FreshWinterMorning · 18/12/2023 23:57

TurnthePotatoes · 18/12/2023 23:51

@Alphabet1spaghetti2
The thing is those with their heads screwed on wouldn't have the money excuse. Because all the legal stuff costs far more than a cheapie wedding.
It's the people who claim they can't afford a wedding but ... can.
There's nothing wrong in people making a sensible, informed decision as to postponing knowing the effects. What's wrong is that so many don't seem to understand the legalities and are more focused on the wedding not knowing the consequences.

Friends of ours were similar, baby was born, mum was severely ill and not only were there issues getting him listened to/visitor rights over her family, he couldn't register the birth, she said some things (postpartum psychosis) that led to them believing he wasn't even her long-term partner but an ex, etc. She was blue-lighted to a maternity psychiatric unit in a different hospital where nobody knew them as a couple so it was all he said she said and that contributed to the big, big mess.

They rushed to the registry office as soon as she was well enough to give notice and married ASAP.

I do think if people don't experience any consequences it's a good thing, they've been lucky. FWIW it's like insurance, it only comes into play in the event of a bad scenario actually occurring. And for some, that benefit doesn't outweigh the cons of legal ties/losing assets/whatever. That's absolutely fine.

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100% this. ^ Thank you. Great post! Some women people on here are just NOT getting it though, and claim they can't afford to get married as they have so many other financial commitments. Turns out for many it's just a fancy holiday, a new car, or a new smartphone, or a new games console for the kids.

Stop kidding yourself you're not getting married because you just don't have the time and the money to get married. It costs naff-all (around £100 for a basic ceremony,) and you could do it if you wanted to. I seriously believe (in most cases) that the reason many women on here are not married, is because their man won't marry them...

.

TurnthePotatoes · 19/12/2023 00:00

SisterHyster · 18/12/2023 23:54

Those with their heads screwed on are doing the legal stuff even if they are married. You still need POA and a will. You can circumvent the wedding; but not the POA or the will.

Show quote history

A will makes things easier - and is definitely needed if you don't want the default. But if you die without a will your spouse (England, not sure about Scotland) automatically inherits everything. If that's what you wanted anyway fine. Furthermore they may also have claim to workplace bereavement benefits.
Agreed on POA but that's just £82. Even with National Wills Week anything more than the basic 'i leave everything to X' at least £100.

That aside @SisterHyster I think you misunderstood my post. What I said was, those who have done the legals have made the conscious decision not to marry. That is fine. They know the legalities. But have chosen not to do it.

It's the people that have no money for a wedding, but for everything else, I highly doubt that the 'everything else' includes legal protections.

And obviously those who ARE married are those who care about legal stuff and will do other things like POA, wills, insurance, whatever else necessary but they're not claiming they 'can't afford it'.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 19/12/2023 00:01

@FreshWinterMorning please book me a wedding for less than £100 in 2024 and you can be a free witness. I’ll spring for £40 worth of fuel, but parking must be free. Must be a Thursday !

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 19/12/2023 00:05

@SisterHysterwills and especially poa should be pressed more as a legal necessity for everyone, financial and ideally the healthy and welfare as well. So easy to do and relatively low cost.

Both of us have always been amazed at how few people realise what poas are and how they can be of benefit.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/12/2023 00:07

Lots of people don’t have wills/poa. I bet most people who have posted on this thread they are engaged but haven’t married yet for financial reasons haven’t.
Theres a definite divide between cohabiting and no intention to marry and the cohabiting haven’t got around to marrying.
If you are making an informed decision not to marry then people are often switched on and sort wills etc out.
The haven’t got around to it can be lulled into false sense of security by engagement..it’s as good as married, we’ll be married soon.

TurnthePotatoes · 19/12/2023 00:07

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 19/12/2023 00:05

@SisterHysterwills and especially poa should be pressed more as a legal necessity for everyone, financial and ideally the healthy and welfare as well. So easy to do and relatively low cost.

Both of us have always been amazed at how few people realise what poas are and how they can be of benefit.

Edited

LOL at a wedding being expensive but 'wills and POA' being low cost.
POA costs £82. You could use a free will service but I doubt that it would be comprehensive or cover all bases and I doubt that it would be £12.

Also you know wills can be changed at any time. In England at least, you can cut a child out of your will easily but not a spouse. A long-term partner can't really contest.

SisterHyster · 19/12/2023 00:09

TurnthePotatoes · 19/12/2023 00:00

A will makes things easier - and is definitely needed if you don't want the default. But if you die without a will your spouse (England, not sure about Scotland) automatically inherits everything. If that's what you wanted anyway fine. Furthermore they may also have claim to workplace bereavement benefits.
Agreed on POA but that's just £82. Even with National Wills Week anything more than the basic 'i leave everything to X' at least £100.

That aside @SisterHyster I think you misunderstood my post. What I said was, those who have done the legals have made the conscious decision not to marry. That is fine. They know the legalities. But have chosen not to do it.

It's the people that have no money for a wedding, but for everything else, I highly doubt that the 'everything else' includes legal protections.

And obviously those who ARE married are those who care about legal stuff and will do other things like POA, wills, insurance, whatever else necessary but they're not claiming they 'can't afford it'.

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No, I understood. However, several posters have stated that those who are unmarried are setting themselves up for a future of destitution; when actually that isn’t necessarily true. I guess it depends if you are sitting around being led up the garden path by a partner who does t put you on the deeds, doesn’t name you on their pension, encourages you to be a SAHP and then buggers off, or if you are a couple who have decided not to marry for whatever reason and taken steps to protect yourself. I’d argue couples in the latter camp are far better protected than the average married couple.

Many workplace policies now allow you to nominate a partner for death in service payments too. Both my pension and my employee scheme have this option. My partner works for the same employer so has the same terms.

I really think that there should be more awareness about this kind of thing though.

TurnthePotatoes · 19/12/2023 00:11

SisterHyster · 19/12/2023 00:09

No, I understood. However, several posters have stated that those who are unmarried are setting themselves up for a future of destitution; when actually that isn’t necessarily true. I guess it depends if you are sitting around being led up the garden path by a partner who does t put you on the deeds, doesn’t name you on their pension, encourages you to be a SAHP and then buggers off, or if you are a couple who have decided not to marry for whatever reason and taken steps to protect yourself. I’d argue couples in the latter camp are far better protected than the average married couple.

Many workplace policies now allow you to nominate a partner for death in service payments too. Both my pension and my employee scheme have this option. My partner works for the same employer so has the same terms.

I really think that there should be more awareness about this kind of thing though.

Show quote history

I completely agree with this!
IMO what I find funny is the 'money' excuse. Legal stuff is expensive ergo, those who have chosen that. Have the money.
If you are engaged. You want to marry. If you have the money for 'legals' you have the money to marry. This thread isn't about those who have made the choice btw it's about the long-term engaged.
Say whatever else maybe you want the big white wedding, maybe you just like being engaged. Sure. But 'no money to marry' is ????

The friends I mentioned, they were 'engaged' they just didn't see the marriage as important as the wedding.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 19/12/2023 00:11

@TurnthePotatoes but they are - even you pointed out poa is only £82. Way cheaper than a wedding. Wills are also cheap (I did say depending on individual circumstances) and can cover all bases depending (AGAIN) on your individual circumstances. Ours was thrown in with our house purchase.

simply for some people a wedding is an expensive cost at point of purchase. Cost of living etc. I’m not the only
one to pontoons this out.

TurnthePotatoes · 19/12/2023 00:14

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 19/12/2023 00:11

@TurnthePotatoes but they are - even you pointed out poa is only £82. Way cheaper than a wedding. Wills are also cheap (I did say depending on individual circumstances) and can cover all bases depending (AGAIN) on your individual circumstances. Ours was thrown in with our house purchase.

simply for some people a wedding is an expensive cost at point of purchase. Cost of living etc. I’m not the only
one to pontoons this out.

Edited

You say a POA is 'only' £82. I say a wedding is 'only' £127 which, when you add the cost of a will (which you conveniently didn't mention) brings the figures close.
Tomahto,tomayto.
People prioritise what they want to prioritise. Simple as that.

HamBone · 19/12/2023 00:14

TurnthePotatoes · 19/12/2023 00:07

LOL at a wedding being expensive but 'wills and POA' being low cost.
POA costs £82. You could use a free will service but I doubt that it would be comprehensive or cover all bases and I doubt that it would be £12.

Also you know wills can be changed at any time. In England at least, you can cut a child out of your will easily but not a spouse. A long-term partner can't really contest.

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@TurnthePotatoes My BIL is a lawyer and he advised us to use software as our wills are very simple. I wouldn’t use it if I wanted to set up trusts or make multiple bequests, for example, but if you’re leaving everything to your partner/spouse, for example, it’s OK. I can’t remember what it cost.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 19/12/2023 00:15

@TurnthePotatoes great book me a wedding at £127 all in. For a Thursday in 2024 no extras on top not even travelling. (Will also need witness for free. )

SisterHyster · 19/12/2023 00:16

TurnthePotatoes · 19/12/2023 00:11

I completely agree with this!
IMO what I find funny is the 'money' excuse. Legal stuff is expensive ergo, those who have chosen that. Have the money.
If you are engaged. You want to marry. If you have the money for 'legals' you have the money to marry. This thread isn't about those who have made the choice btw it's about the long-term engaged.
Say whatever else maybe you want the big white wedding, maybe you just like being engaged. Sure. But 'no money to marry' is ????

The friends I mentioned, they were 'engaged' they just didn't see the marriage as important as the wedding.

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I’ve been engaged for a long time. I might book a wedding one day - but it’ll just be a glorified party really, since we have done the legal stuff already. I frequently jokingly tell my partner that I’ve booked somewhere. One day I’ll really do it … maybe.

I was so excited to get married when we first got engaged; but it was never really a priority for me. I do like being engaged though because my ring is pretty and sparky and I’m vain.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/12/2023 00:17

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 19/12/2023 00:01

@FreshWinterMorning please book me a wedding for less than £100 in 2024 and you can be a free witness. I’ll spring for £40 worth of fuel, but parking must be free. Must be a Thursday !

Liverpool and Manchester have Thursday morning slots for £57. You’ll need to pay £35 each notice fee too.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 19/12/2023 00:20

great send me a linky. Presumably I can send all documents online so I don’t need to travel multiple times.? Or live locally etc.

and you be a witness for free?

TurnthePotatoes · 19/12/2023 00:22

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 19/12/2023 00:20

great send me a linky. Presumably I can send all documents online so I don’t need to travel multiple times.? Or live locally etc.

and you be a witness for free?

I'll be a witness! <3
You can give notice at your local reg office even if you get married at another one.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/12/2023 00:25

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 19/12/2023 00:20

great send me a linky. Presumably I can send all documents online so I don’t need to travel multiple times.? Or live locally etc.

and you be a witness for free?

Your local registry will offer same price but might not be a Thursday slot. Anyone can witness…there used to be threads on mumsnet asking for local witnesses if people didn’t want to ask in local cafe/library etc.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 19/12/2023 00:30

Unfortunately our registry office doesn’t offer the same price @Dixiechickonhols to have to pay for everything. The ‘luxury’ of using the registers office, unlike Liverpool for instance does have to paid for extra. As I said in a previous post. The room alone is £200 then deposits, etc all on top. If it’s held elsewhere it starts at £600 for the registrar option. Not all councils are so accommodating.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 19/12/2023 00:33

Plus we still have to pay for notices here, on top if we did travel out of this town. Still works out at over the £127 quoted. That’s before travel. It’s not cheap as people think.

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