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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To see a lot of couples in this situation

693 replies

Whatyoutryingtodo · 17/12/2023 09:00

I see quite a few couples I know irl who've been together several years, engaged, own a house and have children, but no wedding plans made.
They've often been engaged for several years too but don't have any plans to get married, and say stuff like they'll 'get round to it at some point'.

Just curious as to why this happens quite a lot, not judging as I myself am unmarried and childless due to no interested suitors!

I think people will say that the man has everything he needs so why bother marrying her... Sometimes I wonder why people consider marriage more of a commitment than children? At least with marriage you can divorce, even if it's expensive and stressful, children you're tied for life.

OP posts:
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LaurieStrode · 22/12/2023 23:08

ValerieVomit · 22/12/2023 13:53

To be honest you're not really engaged at all.

Show quote history

Agree. Words do have meaning and "engaged" means that wedding planning is under way.

If it makes people somehow feel better to call themselves that instead of boyfriend / girlfriend, there is no law against it, but the eyes are definitely rolling behind their backs. Dream on.

Sophierx89 · 24/12/2023 07:34

I got engaged on NYE 2019 and since then covid happened and we bought a house (we were renting) I've just booked our wedding for November 2024 but its literally going to be a very small registry office wedding and a party later. The reason we've waited so long is money and also my partner is absolutely petrified of public speaking! If he had his way we would have ran off to Gretna Green and done it in secret just the two of us but our daughter would be gutted if we didn't involve her. I guess everyone's story is different, for us my daughter has her bio dad's surname who she hasn't seen for 5 years and I'm hoping once I'm married that will enable me to get the ball rolling with changing her surname.

Jomasell · 24/12/2023 08:38

Marriage is what we have been taught to do but actually its all in your head. Theres really no need because youre either with somone or you arent. why do you need a piece of paper? Im married but logically I dont need to be. As for the not wanting to split a house with someone arent married to, if you live together as a family even with only your name on the house, the other partner can take you to court for some of it. Been there and had to give my bf 25% of the equity in my house despite me being a single parent with 4 kids and only living with him for 8 months (he lied and said it was longer but even tho he wasnt on the council tax and didnt have any paperwork to prove he lived there my barrister said he would get the money) so dont assume not being married is any protection.

burnoutbabe · 24/12/2023 08:50

Well your case is exceptional and really we should have studied that in law school.

8 month relationship, only one person on the deeds and court orders 25% share?

That seems totally against the general case law?

(I can imagine due to costs it may be easier to give money to someone to avoid more legal costs If equity value is low but that's not then a decided case)

Ilikepinacoladass · 24/12/2023 08:52

Jomasell · 24/12/2023 08:38

Marriage is what we have been taught to do but actually its all in your head. Theres really no need because youre either with somone or you arent. why do you need a piece of paper? Im married but logically I dont need to be. As for the not wanting to split a house with someone arent married to, if you live together as a family even with only your name on the house, the other partner can take you to court for some of it. Been there and had to give my bf 25% of the equity in my house despite me being a single parent with 4 kids and only living with him for 8 months (he lied and said it was longer but even tho he wasnt on the council tax and didnt have any paperwork to prove he lived there my barrister said he would get the money) so dont assume not being married is any protection.

This is terrifying, I had no idea that could happen

AJPGreen · 24/12/2023 10:27

I bought a house with Nan's inheritance and some years after got married to a partner. I was only married for a year but my ex husband was able to claim half of the house during the divorce. Marriage is terrifying.

I am in a long term relationship now and we have a DS together but we will never get married. It would change the power dynamic of our relationship if my partner was suddenly entitled to half of my house. I will never get married again. It is not important anyway.

Ilikepinacoladass · 24/12/2023 10:39

AJPGreen · 24/12/2023 10:27

I bought a house with Nan's inheritance and some years after got married to a partner. I was only married for a year but my ex husband was able to claim half of the house during the divorce. Marriage is terrifying.

I am in a long term relationship now and we have a DS together but we will never get married. It would change the power dynamic of our relationship if my partner was suddenly entitled to half of my house. I will never get married again. It is not important anyway.

The previous poster said this happened even though they weren't married though!

CheeseCrackers45 · 24/12/2023 10:48

DH and I were together for 6 years, engaged for 4 and already had 1 DC before we got married. Other things just came up that we prioritised first.

I do have friends that got engaged before DH and I even got together (almost 10 years now) and yet haven't even discussed wedding plans. I think sometimes people get engaged because it feels more 'official' and a bigger commitment than simply being boyfriend/girlfriend, but they actually aren't that bothered about being married.

SoFuckingTired · 24/12/2023 11:27

ChekhovsMum · 21/12/2023 06:06

In short, we met at 34/35 and by the time we were sure this was the one for both of us, we were 36/37 and trying for a baby had to be the first priority. It took 20 months, finally happened in spring 2020 when weddings were banned, and by the time I gave birth in early 21 there was no time in our lives to even think about planning a wedding. Babies and young children have a way of taking up every spare second! Then I went back to work as a teacher and realised I would never again have any spare time when the first thing I wanted to do was phone around venues and dick about with who sits where.
Then we both realised we’d like two children if we possibly could, before it was too late. Number 2 took 3 miscarriages and a year longer than we hoped, but she’s on her way just after Christmas. I don’t kid myself that planning a wedding with two children is going to appeal any more than with one!!
Also, I’m not going to lie, I went through so much when I was younger with middle-class boys (aged anything up to 35) who either had the emotional range of a brick or who simply had to ‘find themselves’ by going on their holidays travelling, changing job, going back on their holidays travelling again, and having deep personal philosophical crises that had ‘nothing to do with me, I was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to them’ but still led to me being dumped. I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me because I didn’t have a ring on my finger. Now I’ve had years of being single and rather happy with it, followed by a relationship that was a genuine choice, which happened to lead to commitment and kids, plus the realisation that the single life would have been an equally fulfilling one in its own way, it gives me great pleasure to honestly say I am in no hurry to get married! It winds up the busybody traditionalists in my life no end, and it’s a lovely little finger-flick to the pain of my past and the outdated messages that young women still get fed.
We’ve made sure finances are not going to leave either of us destitute if we split, and we’re mature enough to know that could happen to anyone, and have enough sense that we’d be decent, calm co-parents even if the split was horrible.
When we do get married, we’ll have moved to our final destination, our youngest will be sensible enough not to shout out ‘I want a snack!’ while we’re doing our vows, and I’ll probably look like Miss Havisham in my wedding dress but we’ll save a fortune on all the bullshit that people put in their wedding because they’re 31 and feel they have to keep up with the Joneses on social media.
We are ecstatically happy about all of this.

There is a difference between marriage and a wedding. If you want to be married then there is not a lot of planning to be done - book registry office, choose outfits, BOOM job done. So many couples imo focus on the wedding day rather than the actual marriage. At the end of the day, a wedding is one day, marriage is a lifetime (at least in theory).

ValerieVomit · 24/12/2023 11:43

AJPGreen · 24/12/2023 10:27

I bought a house with Nan's inheritance and some years after got married to a partner. I was only married for a year but my ex husband was able to claim half of the house during the divorce. Marriage is terrifying.

I am in a long term relationship now and we have a DS together but we will never get married. It would change the power dynamic of our relationship if my partner was suddenly entitled to half of my house. I will never get married again. It is not important anyway.

I wouldn't want to be in any relationship where there is a "power dynamic". It should be about mutuality and support, not power over someone.

Jeannie222 · 24/12/2023 11:51

Or women

Jomasell · 24/12/2023 14:31

I know, I still dont know how it happened. He had no mail sent to my house, no name on any bills, had a home with his mate and rented out his own property. He managed to get his brother and mate to say he lived with me for 4 yrs. And i was told in no uncertain terms that he would get the money and if we actually went into court Id get costs added on. So sat outside court I agreed to settle. Knocked me sick but there was absolutely no other way. He officially lived with me may 2004 to jan 2005. Prior to that he stayed over but his tennacy was with his mate. His landlord was a 2nd mate though so he would have lied for him. In addition he was on that council tax bill so it made no sense at the time and was exceptionally stressfull. The only thing I could put it down to was all 3 friends were masons but whether that was the reason I dont know.

Jomasell · 24/12/2023 14:32

He could have a claim regardless of being married

AJPGreen · 24/12/2023 20:12

Yes, if a partner lives in your house they can claim upkeep and other contributions towards the home. The difference is that once married, they are entitled to 50% of all assets.

asdfgasdfg · 26/01/2024 21:22

I am so old that when we wanted our first mortgage (1972) you could only get one if you were married. Phoned the registry office on Thursday, got a cancellation for Saturday, went back to building society on Monday with the Marriage Certificate.

TwoCoffeesPlease · 26/01/2024 22:00

@asdfgasdfg did you not have to give notice?

asdfgasdfg · 27/01/2024 09:22

No

TwoCoffeesPlease · 27/01/2024 09:24

@asdfgasdfg how did that work then? Are you in a different country or did the law change? I’m getting married in 2 months and we had to give at least 30 days notice to our council specifying exactly where and when. In England.

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