To see a lot of couples in this situation

[Whatyoutryingtodo]

I see quite a few couples I know irl who've been together several years, engaged, own a house and have children, but no wedding plans made.
They've often been engaged for several years too but don't have any plans to get married, and say stuff like they'll 'get round to it at some point'.

Just curious as to why this happens quite a lot, not judging as I myself am unmarried and childless due to no interested suitors!

I think people will say that the man has everything he needs so why bother marrying her... Sometimes I wonder why people consider marriage more of a commitment than children? At least with marriage you can divorce, even if it's expensive and stressful, children you're tied for life.

I've no intention in marrying my DP because I own my house and if we split up I don't want him to have half. I bought it 11 years before I met him. I love him but my financial security is extremely important to me especially because I have DS.

I find it weird when people are 'engaged' for years with no wedding in sight - I thought the point of engagement was to be making plans to marry.

As for your question - lack of social stigma these days in being unmarried?

I do suspect there are quite a lot of men who are not into weddings or into sharing their assets.

I assume that the person with more money : assets wouldn’t want to share it in the event of a break up.

I know a few SAHMs in this situation, where their DP is the one with the money, and don’t understand their decision not to do paid work, such a massive risk.

Everytime we save up enough money, we have to spend it on something else... a car needs replacing/the roof needs fixing.

Yes we know we could marry cheaply. But we don't want to.

i wonder if people see a wedding as an extra expense whereas house and children come as natural priorities. Weddings are very costly and a lot to organize. There is no legal and societal pressures to be married either, there were both for DH and I so we got married before house and children - it just couldn’t have been the other way.

Agree OP. Both big commitments but having a child with someone is huge and something I think it's best to think very carefully about!

I think people get engaged because it's feels more official than being boyfriend/girlfriend/partners.

Then they don't have plans to marry due to finances/time etc and actually being married doesn't change much in the day to day.

In some cases societal expectations on marriage. So they play the game of intending to get married. Some people in the family might take them more seriously if they are engaged.

Maybe when the children come along priorities change plus children are expensive and trump a wedding day.
I'd rather take my DC on a lovely holiday than marry their dad.
When they were small we had childcare costs.
Also home improvement, fir me, would trump a wedding day.

We have done this, but the legal protections afforded by marriage in the UK still apply to us in the country we live in due to length of relationship, de facto status, children etc. so I don’t have the same financial motivations to get married.
Even if we were in the UK I wouldn’t be too concerned about being unmarried because our assets are all jointly owned and I have continued working post children so could support myself (and arguably have more stable career growth).
The cost of a ‘proper wedding’ is the main reason for not getting married. We are of an age where lots of our friends are getting married so it almost seems rude to just go to the registry office. We have other financial goals and spending $40k on a wedding seems ludicrous.

Same here. I'm in a long term relationship but I live with my child and don't want a financial commitment to another man. I keep it separate. We don't live together and don't have any plans to when my child is still living here.

I was very ill in 2012. My DP proposed to me then and bought me an engagement ring but we talked about marriage later. We had both been married before and decided not to do it again. I believed it was a sign of commitment but 8 years later when he died I found out it actually meant nothing to him.

I am in EXACTLY the position you mention- together for 15 years, engaged with 2 kids and a mortgage. Honestly, marriage just isn't that important to either of us. We will probably do a registry office wedding at some point but we are not well off and I can't ever imagine wanting to spend the money on a 'proper' wedding.

The only reason why anyone should get married is because they really, REALLY want to, imo.

And I’ve been married twenty years.

(I do realize that there are often legal protections, access to benefits, etc that are a consideration in whether to marry or not. I’m talking in a ‘perfect world’)

Weddings don't have to be such a massively expensive pain in the arse. It's possible just to fuck off down to the registry office then go to the pub.

We can't afford it at the moment. things keep coming up and it gets put on the back burner for a while. We will get round to it at some point 😉 we want what we want, which is small wedding huge honeymoon which is partly why we haven't got married yet. Engaged 4 years

How do we vote? You can't be unreasonable about someone else's choices, it's up to them really and I'm slightly surprised that it would be a bother for anyone outside the relationship

My husband earns alot more than me but he's perfectly happy everything being equally split. He doesn't expect us to split up though, and neither would I.

if you're not married because you want to keep your assets if you split up, is that because you expect to? Are you even in the right relationship at all then?

We got married before having DC because I wanted a nice family wedding and I have a large family, it's fine to just do registry office on your own but it wasn't what I wanted. I knew after DC any unnecessary spending on my wants would be at the bottom of my priorities so got married first. We also bought our house before DC beefeater it's much more difficult to save once you have them, we both took second jobs while saving for a deposit for example.

It was never about financial security for me as I earn well on my own, I don't understand women who put their own careers on the back burner and do most of the childcare while their DP builds their own career and financial stability without marrying though, you see it so many times on here, when with no freedom and feel they can't leave because he holds all the financial cards

Well my partner and I have agreed we will marry one day.

We have told the world we are serious enough to consider marriage.

But no actual need to do it now (in our 40-50s) with no kids and both have assets. So it wouldn't provide much legal protection for anyone and in fact have significant downside in case of divorce for the higher asset person.

When pre nups are legally binding then we will marry. Before that no benefit beyond "it will be nice"

I've read lots of threads where a man has proposed moved in with his partner, got her pregnant then feels no urge to marry her as he is happy as he is with live in partner, live in DC, but no commitment to them. There is no way I'd have a baby without being married not because of any stigma, although I no longer think there is one, but because of the practical finances and to protect the baby as much as possible.

A very good reason to do it is because married people don't pay inheritance tax when their spouse dies and leaves them their assets.

Many people say marriage is "just a piece of paper"
It isn't..it's a legal document that gives protection to both parties, as many unmarried couples have found to their cost, when things go tits up

It was never about financial security for me as I earn well on my own, I don't understand women who put their own careers on the back burner and do most of the childcare while their DP builds their own career and financial stability without marrying though, you see it so many times on here, when with no freedom and feel they can't leave because he holds all the financial cards.

We need to change the law so that men who father children are subject to the same kind of divorce settlement conditions as married men.

I have a friend in this situation. It’s him. Won’t set a date. She’s removed her engagement ring now as embarrassed at the continual questions. I think it’s about control. He earns five times what she does and keeps her and their child in financial penury.