To see a lot of couples in this situation

[Whatyoutryingtodo]

I see quite a few couples I know irl who've been together several years, engaged, own a house and have children, but no wedding plans made.
They've often been engaged for several years too but don't have any plans to get married, and say stuff like they'll 'get round to it at some point'.

Just curious as to why this happens quite a lot, not judging as I myself am unmarried and childless due to no interested suitors!

I think people will say that the man has everything he needs so why bother marrying her... Sometimes I wonder why people consider marriage more of a commitment than children? At least with marriage you can divorce, even if it's expensive and stressful, children you're tied for life.

Some couples marry quite hastily a few decades in when they realize the inheritance implications or when ill-health looms and they want to be able to be the person making decisions about the other's health-care. I think with careful planning, most of the financial and other implications (e.g. get wills made) can be replicated, but most don't do that, and some women aren't even on the house deeds/ownership and so are effectively homeless after the death of a partner.

I wouldn't marry again I don't think, if I was able to secure my children's inheritance separately I might.

But OP isn't talking about that.

She's talking about couples who are engaged but never marry.

We've been engaged for twenty years next month. Did intend on getting married then but could never afford it and now it doesn't seem important. Most people assume we are married and we kind of forget we aren't sometimes. We may get round to it one day.

But if one of you died the other would have to pay inheritance tax (presumably) because you aren't married.

I don't want a wedding, and can't really afford to spend that sort of money on a party, but DP's parents would be devastated if we just got married in a registry office with 2 witnesses, and the fall-out would be horrendous. And I don't really care about it enough right now to finesse a compromise. The happiest marriages in my family have always been low-key ones where the couples got married when their kids were older, so that has probably influenced me, too.

I think it most cases, it's the cost of the wedding. Once they've got the house and the children, it seems wasteful to spend thousands on a wedding day. Destination weddings work well for that, because you can incorporate the wedding into a family holiday.

I've been with DP for nearly 30 years and have never married. It's never been important to me.

This is exactly like my partner and I. We got engaged 7 years ago, when our first child was 6 months old. We've since bought a house and had two more children. Maternity leaves, part time working for me and now a career change mean that our financial situation leaves absolutely zero spare cash to be saving towards even the most basic of weddings. We always said that we'd like to get married abroad, with immediate family attending if they wanted to. We can't afford a holiday of any description as it is and I suppose we're reluctant to give up on the dream that we might make that happen eventually.
Another POV is that we now do each other's heads in after 10 years together and 3 children, the thought of a romantic wedding just seems so far away from our reality of daily bickering about mundane life things 😂.

In a coffee shop yesterday and an elderly couple - 70's - said they'd recently married after 40 years together. Just felt it was the right time!

Yes, very simple in your wee furry mind perhaps. But contraceptive accidents happen - I know someone who remained pregnant even after taking the morning after pill. Many women when it comes down to it can't stomach an abortion - it is ending a life after all. Or they recognise that with dwindling fertility they might not get another chance to have children. There are many reasons why life might not work out as neatly as you think it should.

I know a few couples like this. And in each case it's because he proposed to keep her quiet and the make sure the baby got his surname!

One man actually said to
My husband "well if she won't agree to
My surname for the baby I will
Just dangle the marriage card"

I’m unmarried with children. No intention of getting married.Ever. We have a civil partnership in situ
No joint monies. No shared account. Mine is mine,his is his. Joint account for mortgage & utilities, school and nursery fees
Children have double barrel name with both surnames

I have never wanted to be married and I never will marry

Isn't inheritance tax like 300k or something? If you had that sort of money then yes makes sense but we wouldn't reach that sort of money in twenty lifetimes.

Destination weddings work well for that, because you can incorporate the wedding into a family holiday.

Destination weddings work well for that, because you can pass the costs into your family.

Fixed that for you.

We've been together 30 years, and we've got an opposite-sex civil partnership ceremony booked for next month. Mainly to avoid any legal loose ends in the event of 'something happening' to either of us (done wills too) but for the fun of it. Decidedly low key (6 guests) because that's our way of doing things.

Not really. It what's we did and it didn't cost family anything. We were all going on holiday together anyway, so I added the wedding into the package. No big deal.

If you have a house that you pay the mortgage off on before you die, you would probably reach that quite easily just with that. If you had a house and 5k in savings, you would be paying £2k in inheritance tax.

Lots of people aren’t clued up on law and believe they are as good as married. There was a survey that 50% of adults wrongly believed we had common law marriage in England.
It’s usually when things go wrong or people get older that legal implications kick in and realise they do matter - when you are in your 20s things like inheritance tax or right to share his pension aren’t on your radar.
Biggest take up of opposite sex civil partnerships is couples over 50 eg make it easier on survivor to deal with paperwork after death, inheritance tax implications etc.

IMO,some women give men too much power they wait passively and expectantly to be made a bride. Men dangle marriage like a prize with a ring as a bauble and Christ know why some women let them

Men /Women marry partners they want to marry. If you’re unmarried it’s because one of you doesn’t want to get married.Let’s be honest,if you set a wedding date, be explicit you want to be married. If that planned date slips,wedding doesn't happen there’s your answer. She/He doesn’t want to marry you

All this guff about date, cost,guests is a diversion. People who want to marry they get married.

The practical side of me would say it’s because people can’t afford to and something else important usually always comes up that needs paying for…

However because this was me many moons ago, I got engaged to try to prove that we loved each other, that we were a ‘proper’ family as we had kids, and to keep others quiet. Needless to say this never worked out, we never married and split shortly after.

As someone else said, you should only get married if you really really want to, not for any other reasons.

@Username620 Why did it mean nothing to him? Do you think he was just future faking?

Why does she stay?

I’m married 15 years and whilst I didn’t understand why people don’t get married before having children my opinions on marriage have changed over the years. For me I felt that if we can’t commit to one another then how can we commit to bringing a child into the world.
Although it was always important to me to be married then have a child I realise now through friends and family that really marriage doesn’t really mean anything. edit - by that it didn’t mean it magically worked out We’ve had friends and family members who have split due to affairs, split due to differences that they were unable to overcome. Being married didn’t imo mean they tried any harder or tbh that they should have. How do u forgive an affair? All it brought about was a stressful divorce process and for a couple of them left them struggling financially.
Nobody can predict the future and whilst it’s nice to have that commitment to one another for some, for others it just doesn’t matter, they are happy.
I definitely think it’s each to their own and whatever works for one may not be right for another.

Premise of engagement is a pending soonish wedding. Engaged with no intention of marriage is an oxymoron

I’m engaged & soon to be wed but understand why it never becomes the focus. It’s a LOT of money for one day & when life is already happening it doesn’t feel necessary.

We went through a miscarriage and wanted something positive (& certain) to focus on. Otherwise it would have just be a tiny registry office job or maybe nothing at all for us.