To see a lot of couples in this situation

[Whatyoutryingtodo]

I see quite a few couples I know irl who've been together several years, engaged, own a house and have children, but no wedding plans made.
They've often been engaged for several years too but don't have any plans to get married, and say stuff like they'll 'get round to it at some point'.

Just curious as to why this happens quite a lot, not judging as I myself am unmarried and childless due to no interested suitors!

I think people will say that the man has everything he needs so why bother marrying her... Sometimes I wonder why people consider marriage more of a commitment than children? At least with marriage you can divorce, even if it's expensive and stressful, children you're tied for life.

Honestly, marriage is a financial contract that offers legal financial protection to both parties and their children.

If you’re unmarried, presumably you have wills and lasting POA in place, right? And if one party isn’t on the mortgage/deed, they’ve filed a notice of home rights (HR1).

Yes, housing and children occur "in nature" as it were.

Marriage, not engagement, is the formal commitment to each other as a partnership.

Having DC is a commitment to the DC, not to each other.

Sadly many men (and a few women) choose to walk away without a second glance at the DC when a relationship breaks down. Much easier to do if unmarried.

My EXDP thinks he's a Prince amongst men because he sees the DC EOW and pays maintenance (that I had to take him through CMS for because he initially refused).

We have been engaged many years. When we got engaged the plan was to marry but family issues meant this was never going to be straightforward. We then started having issues with neighbours and threw everything into moving. Then I fell unexpectedly pregnant.
Life just got in the way.
We are getting married next year and the only attendees will be my adult children.

It can be hard, though. You’ve described a situation in your second paragraph there that perfectly proves my point.

Once you have a child, it becomes about protecting the downside risk. You marry someone and hand over (effectively) half your existing assets. If you have a child, that’s madness. That means if HE cheats and you leave, he gets half of your house. Divorce doesn’t recognise blame.

Going into a new marriage with little is very different. But, letting a longstanding marriage cloud the reality that if you never work and he’s on £1m a year, that all would be well on divorce, that’s also daft.

Marriage and divorce are very different now and both parties need their eyes wide open.

Every one of my friends with kids currently are unmarried though. Engaged, but no date or anything. In all cases, they're financially equal if not the higher earner/wealthier by inheritance, but this might be an unusual circle I move in 😂

@BeckhamSeven does this not say it all though?

Every single one of your friends have been promised marriage but not even one has actually had the commitment of marriage, even though you admit that it’s not for financial reasons.

I don't think it's the marriage part that stops people as this is very cheap down at you registry office if you want the legal part sorted.
Generally it's the 'wedding' and the expense of a big do that get pit off due to other financial draws and priorities.

Multiple reasons.

1. Biggest one - Money - we got pregnant very early in our relationship and playing catch up for the past almost 14 years. Buying a house was far higher on our priority list.

1. Time and energy to organise. I'm exceptionally indecisive and can't decide what socks to put on never mind what kind of wedding I want. OH isn't bothered so it's all down to me.

1. Family logistics (and another reason why #2 is so difficult) both our parents are split and both DM are difficult about our DF being there (his more so than mine), so if we invite them they have said they will not come - this puts us in a difficult position as either way we will end up hurting someone, so considering going off abroad on our own (but deep down that's not really what I want.

@Whatyoutryingtodo £££££

I suppose the wedding industry is another reason not to marry.

If we did marry we can afford a lovely do, paying for everything. But all that takes a lot of planning and organising and deciding.

So as we have no pressing need to marry, we kick it down the can. Both our parents being in their 70s is probably the biggest reason now. Both dads had, and recovered from, cancer in last year so it's put a time limit on things.

(And yes we could just take 2 witnesses to a registry office but as we don't need to do it for any financial protection, that option doesn't appeal)

'I think people will say that the man has everything he needs so why bother marrying her'

This works both ways doesn't it? Marriage is not a badge of honour or mark of respectability anymore. It's a choice thank God.

To say why bother indicates lack of love and romance which isn't necessarily true.

This was me. We were engaged for 9 years. Married now.

We got engaged after 6 moths (we were already living together). We both agreed we weren't in a hurry. We had bigger priorities for our time and money like buying a flat and both of studying/doing professional training.

When we were in a financial position to ttc, we decided we'd better get the wedding out of the way first and organised it within a few months.

I think there are various reasons. Sometimes it's down to the hassle and expense of planning a wedding. Or one of them might be dragging their feet. Sometimes people just aren't that bothered.
My cousin has been with her partner since she was 15. She's now 55 so they've been together 40 years. Engaged for 30 years and still not married!! They're very happy though. Nice house, two kids. She's the higher earner so I don't think she's in a vulnerable position.

Me and DP have been together for about 20 years and have only recently had our child.

We aren’t married mainly because we don’t see the point and if anything I’d see a wedding as something to be endured rather than enjoyed as we don’t have a close family.

We both have fairly significant assets in our own names but have everything written up to ensure we are all covered in the case of premature death.

We may end up having a civil partnership (we are not a same sex couple) as that allows unlimited inheritance between us with no tax liability. If we do that we wouldn’t tell anyone as it’s effectively just a tax avoidance transaction rather than any sign of commitment which we don’t need having been together for 2 decades.

I'm not going to marry my DP, I have a separate owned property and we are tenants in common in our current home. I don't want to share that if we split up so wouldn't get married.

However I can see it from the reverse and the importance of mothers (in the main) who need the financial security of being married and not being shafted when the relationship ends

We were together 18 years before we got married... We'd been engaged for 14! Life just got in the way, buying and renovating houses, cars going wrong, changing jobs, travelling, having babies, relocating... It was only two years ago we had time to breathe, and thought "let's do that thing we were going to do, and never got round to!" For us, when we were in our late twenties we wanted kids, and that seemed more important and had a time line on it. My family has a history of early menopause, so I was keen to try for a baby sooner rather than later, then dd2 came along when I was 30, and until they were both at school, I wouldn't have had the energy time or resources to put into any sort of wedding planning. I'm glad we've done it now, although it doesn't change anything day to day, it's just that added financial security, and in hindsight, should have done it ten years before, but there was always something that NEEDED to be paid for, so getting married never took priority. I do think alot of people get engaged with no intention of getting married. To be honest, when we did, I said straight away I wasn't getting married anytime soon, as I knew it wouldn't have been possible.

If you want the same legal protections as marriage, without the cost and fuss of a wedding, why not enter into a civil partnership? We did and have no regrets. Just two witnesses, no ceremonial fuss. It's not for everyone, obviously, but was the perfect fit for us.

You can also get married with 2 witnesses.

You can have a wedding or civil partnership with as much fuss or lack of as you want.

It's still a legal commitment-which is what I am avoiding.

Not sure I would civil partnership anyway as it may not be recognised abroad in certain countries.

MimiGC you are describing my wedding. Except I had food poisoning and vomited my vows. You don’t get that with a civil partnership ceremony! An omen of my divorce to come. 🤣

We are long time engaged. The reason we haven’t got round to it is I just feel too old now. It’s a young persons game in my mind. We tried to book it over covid but nowhere would take bookings. Now we’re back to working constantly and it’s just an expense I’d rather not deal with.

Men really aren't afraid of legal commitment, but they are afraid of legal commitment to the wrong woman. In my experience, if the man knows you are 'the one' then they can't get married fast enough. I know of several long term engaged, unmarried couples with children and mortgages etc. Invariably it was the bloke who didn't believe in marriage. Yet when the relationship broke down, the blokes were married to their new partners within a couple of years.

Because unless your partner is wealthier and brings a lot more materialy to the relationship than you, and/or you wish to be financially dependent on them, the benefits of being married are actually negligible. Outside of MN where there is an over representation of women subsidised by wealthier men, 'ordinary' couples often bring similar limited levels of asset to the relationship and co own their house anyway, so it doesn't make much difference. Family life is expensive for average income households and weddings get pushed down the priority list.

Marriage and ‘a wedding day’ are different things though. Getting married can be cheap. It doesn’t need to be a big performance.