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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we return inheritance?

328 replies

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:13

Long time lurker, NC for this.

DMIL kindly handed over £195k inheritance 3 years ago as we were looking to buy a house. House sale fell through so we fixed £60k for both kids in a high interest account, bought a car and due to going private for DH medical and also dipping into it when he was out of work, we've just over £100k left. Put this into a high interest account but, it's not fixed and completely accessible.

Mentioned this to MIL a few months ago so she knows it's been locked away, however, we didn't mention we only have access to £100k.

DBIL has put his house for sale but is wanting more for what it's worth. Hasn't had much interest and he goes into a higher mortgage plan in January meaning his repayments will be unaffordable.
He's living with his partner, plan is he sells his, pays off her mortgage, she sells and they buy something together with money left over so they can both retire.
DBIL also has a flat worth around £300k that he has a small rental income coming in.

Today, MIL has called and asked for the £195k back. Or, she wants us to lend it to DBIL with the understanding he pays it back after they've sold both houses and bought theirs together.

It'll mean we take kids fixed amounts and our nest egg which is all we have to get on the housing ladder.
Husband has ADHD so doesn't earn much and we don't have a large HH income so really need a large deposit to be able to afford something.

So....sorry if its been a long one but AIBU if we say no? Or, what they have is none of our business and we help out with giving them the cash as we are family??

OP posts:
sterli2323 · 16/12/2023 23:55

If 60K of the money is in your children's names then they own it - withdrawals should be for their benefit and I cannot see how them giving away £60k to pay their uncles partners mortgage would meet that critera.

Diamondcurtains · 17/12/2023 00:12

vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 20:24

What's the plan for her care needs?

What business is that of yours and how is it relevant to the original post!

Doyoulikedejavu · 17/12/2023 00:12

Hmm what happens if MIL dies within the 7 years in which she’s gifted you the money but you have informally loaned it to BIL? If her estate is worth over a certain amount, you’ll have to pay inheritance tax on money that you no longer have!

(Hopefully a tax specialist will come and correct that assumption).

AndThatWasNY · 17/12/2023 00:15

BouncingJAS · 16/12/2023 20:27

I am amazed at the cheek of your DMIL

"NO" is a complete sentence.

Wow. If someone gifted me a huge amount of money I would be really grateful and not speak to her rudely. Seriously dobyou actually act like this in real life? If so do you have anyone that actually likes you?

Mostlyoblivious · 17/12/2023 00:19

Im oscillating between saying it’s a tricky one and saying no you’ve both had similar amounts of money and your bil absolutely won’t be paying it back. You won’t be putting him on the breadline if you don’t give the cash to him - he is risking that as he is refusing to competitively price his property. Could it be that he’s taken a massive mortgage out on it and £650k won’t cover what is owed? Then again, that’s a moot point as it’s not your issue.

He has two properties which he could sell. If he were that precariously balanced financially he would put both up for sale without hesitation.

The money was given freely for a house purchase and what you ended up doing with it was also alright with your MiL. It is no longer her money I’m afraid.

Let your husband handle the conversation but the answer needs to be no.

Original poster
Yetisquare · 17/12/2023 00:24

ADHD came as a late diagnosis after DH had a breakdown because he was struggling with mental health. He was out of work for over a year.
He now manages 25 hours a week, I work full time but our household income is £58k.

We need a car as it actually forms part of how DH brings in his income.

I'm trying not to think about BILs financial situation but he bought the flat worth around £300k using money from his mum around 25 years ago. Not sure where the deposit for the second house came but this is the one on sale now at £750k.
His partner of 6 years is also on the same fixed rate which was up in September so presumably they're both unable to afford their repayments.
I thinkntheir plan was to both sell up and buy together.
I'm not sure how the £195k will help them, surely it's a few higher repayments before they do sell?

Other questions that have been asked, NHS waiting list is 18 months and we're still actually waiting to be seen. The care has luckily been agreed and taken over by GPs which means we're at least not paying on private prescriptions now.

Still don't feel we've pissed it up the wall, both essentials that we've spent on. We have £160k but if we hand over, we don't know if we'll see it when we may need it for house sale and if something happens to us, kids have nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yetisquare · 17/12/2023 00:31

And, only two siblings, DH mid 40s and BIL and SIL in 50s with kids flown the nest almost. We have a 6 year old together and DH has DS17.
MIL is lovely, has been kind to us obviously and we also repay that in anyway we can.

OP posts:
kitchenhelprequired · 17/12/2023 00:33

Is there just MIL or is there a FIL too? There's a lifetime cap on what any individual can gift which 2 x £195k is above so regardless of anything else there will be IHT on some of the money given away in the future.

Original poster
Yetisquare · 17/12/2023 00:40

FIL passed away which is when MIL sold their London home and bought something a lot smaller with almost £500k left over.
Plus what she was left from her brother meant she was able to gift both sons - we do think BILS had more but have never questioned it as its not our business and its a gift, not an entitlement as far as we're concerned.

I have to say here it was MILS anxiety of the IHT which is why she was so keen to give us the cash to buy a house sooner than later. And it's all just become so messy...

OP posts:
kitchenhelprequired · 17/12/2023 00:48

If the money was given by MIL as opposed to a deed of variation to the wills of either her DH or DBro then the lifetime gift allowance will have been exceeded. If there's still property or money left at the end it's fine but if care fees were to take everything the IHT will have to be paid by DH & DBIL on amounts exceeding the lifetime allowance.

Panaa · 17/12/2023 00:51

I'm not sure how the £195k will help them, surely it's a few higher repayments before they do sell?

Yep they literally do not need it. So you'd be risking giving it up for people who don't need it and there's a high chance you wouldn't get it back.

She doesn't need to pay off the mortgage to sell the house. She can pay it off with proceeds from the sale.

They are taking the piss.

Scarletttulips · 17/12/2023 00:52

It appears BIL has three properties to sell, his or his gf and the flat which ever sells first they have another to move to.

You giving him money will just extend his debt -

If he can’t face selling at a lower price - which in turn means his next home will be cheaper then more fool him.

It’s not messy, he had his money and you had yours.

He owns 2 properties, you own none -

Stop tying yourself in knots and tell them you can’t access any funds.

BouncingJAS · 17/12/2023 01:17

@AndThatWasNY

Your view is utterly irrelevant and makes me think you have never deal with money in these amounts.

When you "gift" money, irrespective of what you might want it for, without a legal contract you lose all influence over it.

Poof. Its gone. You gifted it.

What irks me is DMIL is now trying to get it back to keep subsidising BIL, which is simply not on as he has already received his share.

A bit fat "NO" is the reasonable response here.

Kisskiss · 17/12/2023 01:22

Ugh it sounds messy - I hope she doesn’t feel like she can dictate what you do with the money she gifted you, cos that’s awkward.
just be upfront and say you have 100k in a 5% account but that you rely on that interest for bills etc, if BIL new mortgage rate is higher than that then lend him at 5 and everyone still wins?
on a side note, a gilt might be a better option to a fixed interest account ( depends on your tax bracket) and the yield is fixed

Tinkerbyebye · 17/12/2023 02:14

If it’s a gift she can’t ask for it back and if bil has had the same amount it’s a bit off to ask for it from you to bridge something for bil

Just tell her you don’t have the £195k and what’s left is tied up and will be used for your deposit

randomstress · 17/12/2023 03:28

I wouldn't do this.
I would simply state it is all locked away for two years minimum and cannot be accessed currently.
Your BIL had his own money and has spent it, there is no way I would give him yours, I think there is a reasonable chance you wouldn't see it again.

HamBone · 17/12/2023 04:02

I'm not sure how the £195k will help them, surely it's a few higher repayments before they do sell?

Even if your BIL’s mortgage repayments have increased by £2K a month, for example, why would he need £195K? if the house is on the market, a £20K loan would be enough to cover the increase for a few months.

I wonder whether there other high-interest debts that he wants to settle, such as credit card debt? I really hope that your DB doesn’t hand over his gift, something doesn’t add up with your BIL’s finances and your family will suffer if he hands over the money.

Birdcar · 17/12/2023 04:06

Something very similar happened in dhs family. The unused gifted money that was returned to dfil was supposed to be used as temporary stop gap for someone elses house purchase. The original recipients of the gift have only recently got their money back - 15 years and a lot of bad feelings later.

This is the sort of thing that tears families apart.

  1. Tell her you love to help but unfortunately don't have access to the money at short notice.
  1. Start looking at houses.
BritneyBookClubPresident · 17/12/2023 04:32

Panaa · 17/12/2023 00:51

I'm not sure how the £195k will help them, surely it's a few higher repayments before they do sell?

Yep they literally do not need it. So you'd be risking giving it up for people who don't need it and there's a high chance you wouldn't get it back.

She doesn't need to pay off the mortgage to sell the house. She can pay it off with proceeds from the sale.

They are taking the piss.

This

Though would add all communication on this needs to be from your DH- agree risk of a family fall out here sadly

SharSharBinks · 17/12/2023 04:49

This reply has been deleted

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Zevitevitchofcrimas · 17/12/2023 05:16

Just say no.
You feel stable and when ready to buy can, you will be back to square one if you give to bil and then don't know if ever get it back!!

Nonewclothes2024 · 17/12/2023 05:25

NonPlayerCharacter · 16/12/2023 20:22

Was there a reason why she gave you a financial gift without having an equivalent amount set aside for her other son?

She gave them both tue same and the BIL also some items to sell.

Nanaof1 · 17/12/2023 05:30

Panaa · 16/12/2023 21:07

Why does he need to pay off her mortgage before selling?

I think it's his "excuse" to try and get more money from his mother, who is now trying to take back the gift she gave to her other son so her GC can have more.

The money will never surface again if BIL gets his grubby hands on it.

Hopefully, the OP is too smart to do that, though.

Nanaof1 · 17/12/2023 05:44

Nicole1111 · 16/12/2023 21:29

Tell her you’re happy to lend it but as you’d like to buy next year you’d like to draw up a legal document bil can sign confirming it’s a loan and a date it will be returned by.

A legal document means nothing as it would cost the OP and her DH thousands taking BIL to court to try and get it back.

Best not to give them a dime. BIL has had so much more already gifted to him that he has become greedy and now wants it all.

Nanaof1 · 17/12/2023 06:20

JoyeuxNarwhal · 16/12/2023 23:27

Bil has a house he says is worth 700k, but op says is overpriced..

Show quote history

A house he was able to buy because his mummy gave him the money for his first flat, before she also gave the BIL the 195K.

Sounds like BIL is hoping to use the gift to his DB to help him reach his early retirement goals and let his DB work until he drops.

OP--I hope you are showing this thread to your DH. He is going to need to stand strong and tell his DM/DB, "No. We will use the money for a house when it's our time to buy a house. Until then, we will keep it secure and in our possession." DB can bite the big one and for once, figure out his own finances.