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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we return inheritance?

328 replies

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:13

Long time lurker, NC for this.

DMIL kindly handed over £195k inheritance 3 years ago as we were looking to buy a house. House sale fell through so we fixed £60k for both kids in a high interest account, bought a car and due to going private for DH medical and also dipping into it when he was out of work, we've just over £100k left. Put this into a high interest account but, it's not fixed and completely accessible.

Mentioned this to MIL a few months ago so she knows it's been locked away, however, we didn't mention we only have access to £100k.

DBIL has put his house for sale but is wanting more for what it's worth. Hasn't had much interest and he goes into a higher mortgage plan in January meaning his repayments will be unaffordable.
He's living with his partner, plan is he sells his, pays off her mortgage, she sells and they buy something together with money left over so they can both retire.
DBIL also has a flat worth around £300k that he has a small rental income coming in.

Today, MIL has called and asked for the £195k back. Or, she wants us to lend it to DBIL with the understanding he pays it back after they've sold both houses and bought theirs together.

It'll mean we take kids fixed amounts and our nest egg which is all we have to get on the housing ladder.
Husband has ADHD so doesn't earn much and we don't have a large HH income so really need a large deposit to be able to afford something.

So....sorry if its been a long one but AIBU if we say no? Or, what they have is none of our business and we help out with giving them the cash as we are family??

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 16/12/2023 23:02

I would not give it to BIL because it will impact you too much

Outforlunchallday · 16/12/2023 23:02

No way would I be handing it over to the BIL. He’s already had his share and more and now expects to take all of yours too. Don’t trust him. Tell MIL it’s tied up at the moment and you can’t get access for some time and don’t feel guilty.

Nanaof1 · 16/12/2023 23:02

tdino · 16/12/2023 20:35

I think there is 160 left.

100 accessible

Oh I'm sorry mum. You said this was inheritance. I shall speak to DBIL and we shall both discuss how we can return the full amount.

Actually, it was a gift. The DBIL got even more than that for his house and now wants the money from the OP? If they give it to him, they will never, ever see it again. Everybody knows that.

The MIL gave it to them. OP's DH has become ill and thrown a wrench into their house buying plans.

"Dear MIL, we have the money securely put away. Some was spent on your DS's medical bills and life, as your DS cannot work as he used to be able to do. We need to keep the rest secured, so we cannot give your gift back or to someone else."

LauderSyme · 16/12/2023 23:06

"Today, MIL has called and asked for the £195k back. Or, she wants us to lend it to DBIL with the understanding he pays it back".

No. Say no. Definitely say no. Say, "It was a gift to invest in our children's future. We hugely appreciated it when it was given, and we appreciate it now, and we really value the added security it provides us with. Since this gift was so graciously given, we have had to adapt our plans to meet our family's changing needs. However the money does continue to be wholly earmarked for our family's future investment. We know you will understand our imperative to take responsibility for our children, we know you feel the same way. Thank you so much."

BIL's financial affairs sound convoluted and flaky and not remotely your problem. Please don't sacrifice your security for his or anyone's whim.

Kittylala · 16/12/2023 23:07

No you don't have to return a gift. Equally you cannot take a gift back.

AllTheChaos · 16/12/2023 23:08

Ottersmith · 16/12/2023 22:58

Why would you pay privately for healthcare when you can use the NHS? Is it a status thing?

More likely because of long waiting lists. Eg my child needs some tests done before they can access treatment, but there’s a waiting list of more than a year on the NHS. If I could go private for them, I would.

Nanaof1 · 16/12/2023 23:09

InflatableSanta · 16/12/2023 20:30

I would be really frustrated if I gave my children early inheritance to buy a house and then they didn't spend it that way.

I would be much less frustrated when I learned my DS has become so ill that he can no longer provide for his family as expected.

A gift is a gift, and even if the MIL had mental strings on the money, it was a gift.

I guess some posters would give someone a gift certificate to a grocery store and then get angry if it was spent on snack food, chocolates, soda and not for the "meat and vegetables" that you feel they should have spent it on. 🙄

OhwhyOY · 16/12/2023 23:12

I would just say it's locked into accounts you can't access. Lending to others is always fraught with difficulty and you don't know that you will get the money back. I'd get DH to speak to his brother and find out the details of the situation (where did his inheritance go, what would be his plan to pay it back etc) so you can show a bit of willing at least whilst you 'explore if you can get the money out'. Then use that info to help you decide whether to help or not.

This is also why people shouldn't give 'early inheritance', it prevents them from using their money in the way they might want to. Money gifted to you is now yours so if your priorities differ from hers, tough luck for her.

Dazedandcovidconfused · 16/12/2023 23:15

OP very obviously if it was given as a gift you don’t need to give it back. However you had a very chunky deposit gifted to you and are now much further away from buying a property than you were so I don’t understand the logic of buying a new car and putting it in various savings accounts instead of buying further down the line.

senua · 16/12/2023 23:19

If MIL has money put aside for care fees, why can't she do the temporary (allegedlyHmm ) dip into savings for BIL?

HamBone · 16/12/2023 23:20

WorldCuppa · 16/12/2023 22:58

I don’t understand why people are saying BIL has blown his money. He’s got a house work 700k and you’ve got… well a new car 🥺

@WorldCuppa Exactly. The BIL has significant assets so why does he now need his brother’s £195K?

Something sounds fishy to me, because his increased monthly mortgage repayments while one property is on the market surely wouldn’t require £195K. Maybe a loan of a few thousand until he sells it, but not that amount.

I wonder what he’s really planning to do with the £195k? Pay off his partner’s mortgage perhaps?

MilkChocolateCookie · 16/12/2023 23:20

MyFirstLittlePony · 16/12/2023 22:51

How did they give it to you? Did you pay the tax on it? Or did they literally just put that amount into your account?

What tax are you referring to? If you mean inheritance tax, then that would only be payable on it if MIL dies within 7 years of giving the gift.

caringcarer · 16/12/2023 23:22

PurBal · 16/12/2023 20:21

Assuming it was a gift there’s not much MIL can do. I’d just tell her it’s in a fixed term saver and you can’t access it for 5 years.

Yes, excellent idea, say it's in a fixed term high interest account and you can't access it until the fixed term is up. I'd start to look to buy yourself somewhere to live before it's all gone. You should have saved it all towards a house.

Nanaof1 · 16/12/2023 23:26

Mrsttcno1 · 16/12/2023 20:44

100% this!

The money wasn’t for you to spend how you like, it was to buy a house. Very clear she did not expect it to be spent on anything else as she is now asking for it temporarily back.

Give what you have left back, you’re not buying a house right now anyway, and you will get the money back once BIL house sells.

Show quote history

Or, DBIL can sell his rental income AND his house, pay off his partner's mortgage and then, with THEIR money, buy something together.

If you really think they would ever see the money from DBIL again, I have some beautiful oceanfront property for sale in Switzerland.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 16/12/2023 23:27

WorldCuppa · 16/12/2023 22:58

I don’t understand why people are saying BIL has blown his money. He’s got a house work 700k and you’ve got… well a new car 🥺

Bil has a house he says is worth 700k, but op says is overpriced..

BreadInCaptivity · 16/12/2023 23:32

senua · 16/12/2023 23:19

If MIL has money put aside for care fees, why can't she do the temporary (allegedlyHmm ) dip into savings for BIL?

I think this is a very important question and alludes to my previous post re: just how much money does MIL have to provide for her future care.

If MIL is convinced the money will be returned then she presumably has the means to lend it if she is in a situation where she has sufficient assets to take care of her long term situation.

For those questioning the OP re: not spending the money on a home, arguably they have been more sensible in investing it and not living beyond their means.

In comparison BIL has bought a £700k property whose mortgage he will be unable to finance - despite owning and renting a £300k flat.

In short he has considerable assets and from what the OP has described, is in a much more comfortable financial position than the OP and her husband.

Diggerdriverless · 16/12/2023 23:38

I think any you do lend to BiL should be returned with the interest you have lost. It also sounds like it could be a while till his house sells unless he drops the price so perhaps there is a better way for him to proceed than borrowing from you.

RandomButtons · 16/12/2023 23:39

Missing the point but can you tell us where you got a free access 5% account!

OP I don’t understand the hate you’re getting here. From your updates MIL told you to keep it when house move didn’t happen, so I think you’ve spend/used the money very wisely, you certainly haven’t burned through it.

If you give the money back I don’t think you’ll see it again. BIL sounds like a total chancer and money pit. Others have made very good points that if you give it back now and do get it back the risk of inheritance tax resets to 7 years. You could get hit hard if she passes.

is BIL the golden child?

Nanaof1 · 16/12/2023 23:39

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 21:02

We told her we're not buying the house and offered to return the money.
She declined, said it was ours for a future purchase.
When we fixed it, we told her, she's aware a large chuck is more the kids and the rest in a high interest account but accessible. She just doesn't know how much hence the reason she's asked for it today.

Agree we should have used it for another purchase but for reasons already stated, we haven't.
But, I haven't posted to be told off for using some of it when needed.
Just, what would you do?
I don't know what BILS like with money and don't honestly know where his share he received has gone either. But us saying no will not put them on the breadline, he just isn't getting what he wanted on asking price and refuses to lower but is running out of time. He does have other options but seems like accessing husbands share is easiest maybe? We'll just end up losing on the interest

I have a feeling that, any money lent by you to your BIL will never been seen by you again. If he really wanted to be reasonable, he would either lower the price of his house or sell his rental. Instead, he wants to just take yours and when he spends it on the next house, MIL will tell you "sorry" and that's it.

It's your money. You were not safeguarding it for your MIL. It is yours and needs to be kept in your possession. That said, you really need to get on the property ladder NOW. It's not going to get easier, especially if you keep going into the fund for expenses.

Also, ADHD is not an excuse to not "earn much". Many people with ADHD earn enough money to keep their family secure.

Swishyfishy · 16/12/2023 23:39

Tell them you’ve got your eye on a house and might put in an offer. String it out.

Nanaof1 · 16/12/2023 23:43

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 22:14

We're not spending it at any rate at all.
We've had the same amount since buying the car and husbands medical which was last year and the year before.
£100k in a 5% interest rate account but fully accessible, £30k x 2 in kids account, fixed.
We could fess up, tell them we've used £35k and return the rest to MIL to give to BIL or we say no so it's earmarked for our future.

Say, "No". It sounds like BIL will take the money and you'll never see it again and MIL won't care at all about how unfair she is being. I think the "Golden Child" of families are usually the worst of the bunch because they become way too entitled.

Hang on to that money. It's NOT hers, and you aren't a bank for your BIL. It was a gift and you need to protect it for your future.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 16/12/2023 23:47

Long waiting lists?

Seeingadistance · 16/12/2023 23:49

@RandomButtons If you look on the MoneySavingExpert website there are a couple of banks listed which are offering just over 5% for easy access savings accounts.

Ladybirder · 16/12/2023 23:50

If your dream house came on the market tomorrow how would you buy it without this money in the bank? She gave it to you to buy a house - taking it away would make you unable to even have an offer accepted without proof of funds. Buying a house can take a long time and circumstances can change - it took me 3 years to buy a house after sales falling through/ prices skyrocketing etc. as long as you can show the intention of buying to your DMIL then you can show to her that your hopes for the future haven’t and giving the money back will put that on hold.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 16/12/2023 23:50

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 16/12/2023 23:47

Long waiting lists?

Replying to the person who asked why they went private instead of using the NHS

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