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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we return inheritance?

328 replies

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:13

Long time lurker, NC for this.

DMIL kindly handed over £195k inheritance 3 years ago as we were looking to buy a house. House sale fell through so we fixed £60k for both kids in a high interest account, bought a car and due to going private for DH medical and also dipping into it when he was out of work, we've just over £100k left. Put this into a high interest account but, it's not fixed and completely accessible.

Mentioned this to MIL a few months ago so she knows it's been locked away, however, we didn't mention we only have access to £100k.

DBIL has put his house for sale but is wanting more for what it's worth. Hasn't had much interest and he goes into a higher mortgage plan in January meaning his repayments will be unaffordable.
He's living with his partner, plan is he sells his, pays off her mortgage, she sells and they buy something together with money left over so they can both retire.
DBIL also has a flat worth around £300k that he has a small rental income coming in.

Today, MIL has called and asked for the £195k back. Or, she wants us to lend it to DBIL with the understanding he pays it back after they've sold both houses and bought theirs together.

It'll mean we take kids fixed amounts and our nest egg which is all we have to get on the housing ladder.
Husband has ADHD so doesn't earn much and we don't have a large HH income so really need a large deposit to be able to afford something.

So....sorry if its been a long one but AIBU if we say no? Or, what they have is none of our business and we help out with giving them the cash as we are family??

OP posts:
WhereIsBebèsChambre · 17/12/2023 06:25

zaazaazoo · 16/12/2023 21:17

Your maths is worse than the OPs financial complications.
195-60 (dc savings plan) =135
135-100 (what they have left) = 35 spent on car, operation and living

Show quote history

Ouch! Op as other pointed out, hadn't made it clear initially that the 60k wasn't being counted in the 100k.
Still 35k on a car, going private and not working when it's been given for a house purchase is still pretty rude!

DianaTiana · 17/12/2023 06:48

I think your MIL might be testing the water to see if you still have the £195k. I think she suspects you don't.

SharSharBinks · 17/12/2023 06:59

If you piss her off you may well be forfeiting another few hundred grand in inheritance.

BeadedBubbles · 17/12/2023 07:36

Could you just say you're looking at property and were hoping to buy in the very near future so need to retain access to the money she gave you?

Snowdogsmitten · 17/12/2023 08:22

If you give it, you won’t see it again. Say no. The other son is already the golden one, don’t worry do it what MIL thinks now.

Hibambinos · 17/12/2023 08:27

You had your share and bil had his. That is it. You don’t have to bail him out because he is in a financial pickle now .

alwayslearning789 · 17/12/2023 09:00

Not sure why she is getting involved at all?

These are grown men in their 40's and 50's who should have been managing their lives on their own for a good while.

Something is off...

MsRosley · 17/12/2023 09:38

A recently deceased relative burned through over £250k in care costs at home before he died. And that was just in a few years. Had he lived longer it might have been a lot more. I hope you MIL is resigned to selling her current home and moving into residential care, OP, because she will not be able to fund decent care for very long if she doesn't.

Octavia64 · 17/12/2023 09:43

kitchenhelprequired · 17/12/2023 00:33

Is there just MIL or is there a FIL too? There's a lifetime cap on what any individual can gift which 2 x £195k is above so regardless of anything else there will be IHT on some of the money given away in the future.

This is not true.

The rules on gifting under inheritance tax are complicated but there is definitely no lifetime cap.

In particular, spouses can gift each other essentially infinite amounts of money.

The IHT rules on gifts look at the 7 years before the person died.

If anyone cares enough to check a brief guide is here:

www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax/gifts#:~:text=Any%20Inheritance%20Tax%20due%20on,Inheritance%20Tax%20on%20their%20gift.

Saymyname28 · 17/12/2023 09:46

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:19

She said its ours to keep. Gave BIL almost the same amount in cash plus high value items from the estate of her brother for him to sell off and keep the money from

The fact she gave him money at the same time is so important. No you don't give it up. He had the same, if not more. You need it, it wouldn't be fair for you to give him yours at all.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/12/2023 09:56

No just no

tuttifuckinfruity · 17/12/2023 10:12

HeddaGarbled · 16/12/2023 20:26

Yes, give it back and tell her to keep it for now in case she needs it for care in the future. The lot of you are vultures, taking money from her. It’s not your inheritance until she dies. Outrageous greed from all of you.

I tend to agree with this.

The word "inheritance" made me wince. The woman is still alive.

It was very kind of her, but you should have bought a house. That's really the only way this situation would have been ok.

Mostlyoblivious · 17/12/2023 10:20

So just reading through some of the other comments about potential future care costs for your MiL…

IF bil is ‘in need’ then if he moves in with her (don’t know the situation - perhaps build an annexe or pool resources to get a suitable property for this) and then IF she needs care she won’t be forced to sell her home as her son lives in it. Cynical, however having gifted these large sums to avoid IHT I wonder if it would be an interesting proposition for them..?

Also, if ‘No’ being a complete sentence isn’t an option you feel comfortable with (I struggle with that myself!) then another poster has suggested to say you’re looking at property - it might be best to tell this lie, imply you are further into it than browsing (mention offers and best and finals etc..)and say you didn’t want to say anything as the last one fell through so wanted to be further down the process before sharing your exciting news. I hate lying however I feel that you need to protect yourselves financially here and this might be the smoothest way to do so in this set of circumstance

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 17/12/2023 10:25

tuttifuckinfruity · 17/12/2023 10:12

I tend to agree with this.

The word "inheritance" made me wince. The woman is still alive.

It was very kind of her, but you should have bought a house. That's really the only way this situation would have been ok.

Show quote history

What, a mother gifting money to her two sons turns them and their families into vultures? Get over yourselves - it was her decision!

MIL downsized after FIL died, and after buying a smaller house had £500k left over and gifted to her two sons. She also received an inheritance from her DB which she also shared with his nephews, her two sons. Perhaps OP used the wrong word when she said inheritance, she meant her DH was gifted some of his mum's inheritance. But to imply she and her DH are vultures is just wrong.

BIl, on the other hand, may come closer to that description. As for care home fees, MIL has the value of her current house to cover that, and who's to say she doesn't have other investments too.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 17/12/2023 10:28

The answer to the actual dilemma, of MIL asking for OP's DH to return his gift so his brother can 'borrow' it, is no! Just, no. He's had more than his share and owns two properties. Tell her the money is tied up pending their house purchase which will happen as soon as DH finishes his medical treatment.

That money will never be returned if BIL gets his hands on it.

mumda · 17/12/2023 11:13

@Yetisquare
Do you need to check the tax implications of the gift and giving it back and re-getting it?

dorajean · 17/12/2023 12:11

@Yetisquare

Given the context, that BIL had the same (if not more) amount of money, that BIL owns 2 properties and his long time girlfriend has a third etc. I feel the answer should be a firm ‘no’ and that you, your DH and your children should keep the money yourselves. I too am unsure how BIL would require the whole 195k. And I agree there is a strong chance you may not receive the money back. However, to avoid a family fallout, I think your DH needs to communicate this carefully with MIL (and MIL should communicate to BIL). Other posters have suggested good things you might say to politely refuse. I think something along the lines that you wish you could help BIL but you can’t (e.g. you don’t have access to the money as in fixed account etc. as other posters have suggested).
Good luck!

KTheGrey · 17/12/2023 15:41

No, she can't give you money and then tell you to give it to somebody else. That's not how giving things away works.

GRex · 17/12/2023 16:04

Oh dear, you've been very silly and got caught out. Giving £60k to young children when you don't have a home is close to madness, instead of buying a 3-bed in an outer borough, which you easily could have afforded. You certainly do not need a car in London either, and nobody can judge if all the medical bills were actually necessary (NHS didn't agree). I'm not sure what the point is of you having the money when you won't use it to benefit yourselves, but as long as you got the solicitor paperwork sorted to state it was a no strings gift, you can say no. Otherwise you'll have to confess the pointless spending to MIL and perhaps next time let her give the money direct to the solicitor before you start splashing out on things you can't afford.

naughtynine · 17/12/2023 16:10

The issue is saying no is presumably going to cause a fall out.
We had a gift for our house but that involved a legal letter stating the money was ours, much simpler.

SapphireSeptember · 17/12/2023 16:13

@GRex OP has already said her husband needs a car for his job.

GuinnessBird · 17/12/2023 16:22

I've thought about this some more and I'd be telling MIL 'no'.

If it causes an argument then who cares, both brothers got money so why should BIL have your husband's share as well?

CipherEcho · 17/12/2023 16:26

if its an actual £195k inheritance and not a loan then its seems high risk to relend that amout considering how it was gifted to begin with. @Yetisquare

GRex · 17/12/2023 17:39

SapphireSeptember · 17/12/2023 16:13

@GRex OP has already said her husband needs a car for his job.

He "needs" a £22k car! Interesting line of work. He's also part time working and on a low wage; add the insurance and petrol plus ongoing wasted income on the rental and it would have been much cheaper to just leave the man at home on the sofa. Or send him out to get any job that doesn't cost the family more money than he can earn. On top of which, it is perfectly reasonable to suggest that OP challenge her own version of "need" given that she thinks a 6 year old's savings is a priority over a roof over their head. Lots of people manage without cars in London, or with much cheaper cars. Failing to see why backing OP on her truly shit money choices would help her, could you explain?

Mumof32017 · 17/12/2023 17:50

Um, what?! Basically she’s given early what would have been left to them once she died right? If that’s the case, then hell no, it’s yours, your bil had his share so balls to him.