Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we return inheritance?

328 replies

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:13

Long time lurker, NC for this.

DMIL kindly handed over £195k inheritance 3 years ago as we were looking to buy a house. House sale fell through so we fixed £60k for both kids in a high interest account, bought a car and due to going private for DH medical and also dipping into it when he was out of work, we've just over £100k left. Put this into a high interest account but, it's not fixed and completely accessible.

Mentioned this to MIL a few months ago so she knows it's been locked away, however, we didn't mention we only have access to £100k.

DBIL has put his house for sale but is wanting more for what it's worth. Hasn't had much interest and he goes into a higher mortgage plan in January meaning his repayments will be unaffordable.
He's living with his partner, plan is he sells his, pays off her mortgage, she sells and they buy something together with money left over so they can both retire.
DBIL also has a flat worth around £300k that he has a small rental income coming in.

Today, MIL has called and asked for the £195k back. Or, she wants us to lend it to DBIL with the understanding he pays it back after they've sold both houses and bought theirs together.

It'll mean we take kids fixed amounts and our nest egg which is all we have to get on the housing ladder.
Husband has ADHD so doesn't earn much and we don't have a large HH income so really need a large deposit to be able to afford something.

So....sorry if its been a long one but AIBU if we say no? Or, what they have is none of our business and we help out with giving them the cash as we are family??

OP posts:
Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 16/12/2023 22:20

I'm sorry, I've possibly not read the whole thing properly, but I don't understand why BIL needs that money now more than you and your husband do?

Babyroobs · 16/12/2023 22:23

HeddaGarbled · 16/12/2023 20:26

Yes, give it back and tell her to keep it for now in case she needs it for care in the future. The lot of you are vultures, taking money from her. It’s not your inheritance until she dies. Outrageous greed from all of you.

This. It wasn't inheritance - that is what people get when someone has died. Does mil have any plans as to how to pay for care ( after giving so much money away ) should she need it ? bizarre situation and if you weren't using it for a house deposit, it should have been given back.

AllAroundMyCat · 16/12/2023 22:26

Deprivation of assets?

You're in a bit of a pickle . Not sure what to say but seniors offloading their assets is a potential minefield.

Get legal advice.

NalafromtheLionKing · 16/12/2023 22:27

So can you afford to buy a property wherever you’re planning to move to? If so, you should get on that ladder now.

Avacardo2023 · 16/12/2023 22:28

The OP did say in an earlier post that the MIL has put away money for her care

SophiaElizabethGrace · 16/12/2023 22:28

Yesididntdothat · 16/12/2023 22:16

Who pissed on your chips

Show quote history

Pretty much everyone I'd say.

Someone above questioned why the OP needed a car when she lives in central London which tipped me over the edge.

The nit picking, irrelevant points, stupid questions and the number of people who can't bring themselves to even read the OP posts is making using this site so frustrating. It seems to have got worse recently.

rainingsnoring · 16/12/2023 22:28

Are some people reading an entirely different OP to me?

From what I have read, both brothers were gifted the same amount, BIL possibly more and certainly more as MIL paid for his first flat. She now wants the DH's gift back to bail BIL out because he refuses to market his house at a realistic price in order to sell it, because his partner hasn't marketed her house and because he wants to retire. BIL has had a huge amount of money gifted to him and needs to deal with this financial hiccup, which is of his own making, by himself. It sounds as if he is used to being bailed out by his mum so the chances of the OP getting the money back, when they need to buy a house, are low. Besides which, you don't ask for gifts back barring an emergency situation.

MsRosley · 16/12/2023 22:29

Are you absolutely certain MIL has put away enough for care in the future? Did you advise her not to give away such large sums? Are you and your DH willing to provide care in case she hasn't saved enough? Is your BIL?

Just because someone has generous impulses, it doesn't mean they're not misguided.

HoppingPavlova · 16/12/2023 22:30

Firstly, an inheritance is when someone has died. Given she is not dead, it’s not an inheritance but rather a gift or a loan. Reading the situation she gifted money to purchase a specific house where you were short but it was not used as such? That leaves the concept of ‘gift’ in a very tricky position. Like if I gifted my uni student child money for uni textbooks, and they went and bought a bottle of Fanta instead and just tucked the rest away and said maybe one day they may or may not buy a textbook. Hhmmmm

Husband has ADHD so doesn't earn much and we don't have a large HH income so really need a large deposit to be able to afford something

That was an interesting revelation, people with ADHD do not earn much? I’ve worked with people who have ADHD, are unmedicated and high earners, as what they do plays to their ADHD strengths and they employ strategies that work for them. I’ve known people with ADHD, who are medicated, who are high earners, as again, what they do plays to their strengths and they use suitable strategies. Exactly the same with ASD. It’s really not the case that it’s a blanket outcome that someone doesn’t earn much because they have ADHD🫤.

Dutiful · 16/12/2023 22:30

I'd get DH to explain to MIL that your intention is to buy a house as soon as you can. I'd also pull back the savings from the kids. A roof over their heads is more important.
Don't hand over to BIL. You won't get it back.

k1233 · 16/12/2023 22:35

I'd say no. Both brothers were given the same amount and, whilst you were unable to purchase immediately, you are planning to purchase in the near future. BIL has two properties, you have none, so in the interest of equality and security for your children, you need to retain the money for your own purchase.

AntiquePancakes · 16/12/2023 22:36

If MIL dies within 7 years of gifting the money then you will have to pay inheritance tax on it.

rainingsnoring · 16/12/2023 22:37

Yes, absolutely. BIL sounds really cheeky to be expecting to take money gifted to his own brother, who has no property, when he has two. He must also be a fair bit older if he wants to retire and therefore better set up in general.

theilltemperedclavecinist · 16/12/2023 22:43

A gift isn't a gift if there are strings attached. If there are, or if the donor starts asking for it back, the gift hasn't happened, and the money remains part of the donor's estate for tax purposes.

If mil wanted to use the seven year rule she should have written a deed of gift confirming that the money is your DH's absolutely to do with as he wishes.

Sweetglossy · 16/12/2023 22:44

I will take the bait...

Those annoyed at OP saying her DH has ADH etc as some reason he cannot make sound financial decisions, or get a well paying job so they will never be able to afford to buy something bigger as they want etc...well, worry not. Has OP not considered the BIL is also EXACTLY using ADH of his brother to get his share of the money, because BIL feels he can do better with the money? And who knows, maybe BIL can grow the money as his brother has ADh according to OP which affects his life decisions. This is a family issue which OP is well advised to stay well out off.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/12/2023 22:49

BreadInCaptivity · 16/12/2023 21:41

As has already been said, once your MIL gifted you the money what you did with it was up to you technically, though morally I think not using it for its intend purpose is inappropriate.

However, you offered to return it after not buying a new home and on that basis the purpose of the gift was mutually reevaluated.

In the circumstances you describe where BIL has also received a similar amount (if not more) then I think you within your rights not to return it - especially as it appears his situation is if his own making (pricing the property too high) and he has recourse to alternative actions/money.

My concern is that if your MIL lends him this money you'll never see it again because he'll always have a reason not to pay it back. The property market isn't going to bounce back any time soon so unless he sets a realistic price it could stay on the market for years.

All the above said I'm concerned about your financial situation regardless. You say she has set money aside for care in the future but at costs of up to £1500 (even beyond) a week for residential care, she could burn through up to £100k a year in future living expenses.

So unless she's got £1m put aside then there is a real possibility that if she runs out of money you and BIL could face a claim by the local authority to pay back these gifts under depreciation of assets (which unlike inheritance tax has no cut off date).

In your situation I wouldn't lie to MIL but I would say why I was not going to hand back the gift.

BIL is not in dire straits, he's just making choices he can't afford even after receiving a significant sum of money from his mother and there is no reason he won't keep making them when she's enabling him re: bad choices to the detriment of her other child.

Best post so far, coveringn everything which needs to be said

MyFirstLittlePony · 16/12/2023 22:51

How did they give it to you? Did you pay the tax on it? Or did they literally just put that amount into your account?

Warringstars · 16/12/2023 22:51

I think the mum probably shouldn’t have asked you. She gave you both the same amount, indeed perhaps more to him. She shouldn’t have mentioned it, left it to your husband if he wanted to, which I don’t personally think he should. They’re both adults with own relationships/families and not straightforward to mix up their finances in this way. Your BIL will avoid increased costs of borrowing, at the expense of you losing interest. What does your husband want to do? I’d be tempted to say, as others have suggested, we looked into t and c’s but not straight forward etc etc and hope that’s the end of it.

Also, on the positive side, you have 100k in 5% acc so since you got the money 3 years ago you have roughly £15k from the int, taking adv of compound interest etc. And £3k in total for the other two accounts. And spent £35k. So overall you’re max of 17k down (minus any tax you’re having to pay on that as you’re over the max for ISA sheltering). That’s not so bad at all considering you got a car and your husband’s health!

Boomboom22 · 16/12/2023 22:54

But bil also had 195k plus and has wanked it away. No way.

GuinnessBird · 16/12/2023 22:55

What would have happened if you'd brought a house and then DBIL needed more money?

I'd be saying no, both brothers have had money (DBIL maybe more).

If you lend it to DBIL you WILL NOT get it back.

Hankunamatata · 16/12/2023 22:55

She told you to keep it for future house purchase. But you spent 35k?
Well you need to be honest and sayost of it is locked away.

WorldCuppa · 16/12/2023 22:58

I don’t understand why people are saying BIL has blown his money. He’s got a house work 700k and you’ve got… well a new car 🥺

Ottersmith · 16/12/2023 22:58

Why would you pay privately for healthcare when you can use the NHS? Is it a status thing?

bastin · 16/12/2023 22:59

If you give the money to your BIL don't expect to see it again

Tell her it's locked in a savings account and you can't get it out

Anisette · 16/12/2023 23:02

If BIL has had the equivalent amount or more and has spent it, he can't expect to be bailed out by you. If you had bought the house, they wouldn't expect you to sell it to help him out. He really needs to tell MIL that he wouldn't take your money off you.