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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we return inheritance?

328 replies

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:13

Long time lurker, NC for this.

DMIL kindly handed over £195k inheritance 3 years ago as we were looking to buy a house. House sale fell through so we fixed £60k for both kids in a high interest account, bought a car and due to going private for DH medical and also dipping into it when he was out of work, we've just over £100k left. Put this into a high interest account but, it's not fixed and completely accessible.

Mentioned this to MIL a few months ago so she knows it's been locked away, however, we didn't mention we only have access to £100k.

DBIL has put his house for sale but is wanting more for what it's worth. Hasn't had much interest and he goes into a higher mortgage plan in January meaning his repayments will be unaffordable.
He's living with his partner, plan is he sells his, pays off her mortgage, she sells and they buy something together with money left over so they can both retire.
DBIL also has a flat worth around £300k that he has a small rental income coming in.

Today, MIL has called and asked for the £195k back. Or, she wants us to lend it to DBIL with the understanding he pays it back after they've sold both houses and bought theirs together.

It'll mean we take kids fixed amounts and our nest egg which is all we have to get on the housing ladder.
Husband has ADHD so doesn't earn much and we don't have a large HH income so really need a large deposit to be able to afford something.

So....sorry if its been a long one but AIBU if we say no? Or, what they have is none of our business and we help out with giving them the cash as we are family??

OP posts:
Rosejasmine · 17/12/2023 17:54

I’d invest it now, then say truthfully that you can’t access it, it’s locked away. DBIL’s financial assets and position are irrelevant IMO.
However I would feel very ashamed that I hadn’t spent it on a house as intended - you could have tried again. Why not make sure the remaining 100k is only exclusively used for your next house purchase.
It was a gift for a purpose, use the rest of it for that purpose only.

meeplesmarples · 17/12/2023 18:13

Hell no, she cannot request that gift back, it's not her money any more. And she especially cannot request it back to give it to your delusional BIL. Say no can do, and don't you dare feel bad about it!

BIossomtoes · 17/12/2023 18:18

MsRosley · 17/12/2023 09:38

A recently deceased relative burned through over £250k in care costs at home before he died. And that was just in a few years. Had he lived longer it might have been a lot more. I hope you MIL is resigned to selling her current home and moving into residential care, OP, because she will not be able to fund decent care for very long if she doesn't.

Only a very tiny percentage of people ever need residential care and the average stay is less than two years. If Mil owns a house she’ll be fine.

TravelInHope · 17/12/2023 18:27

Roseandrose20 · 16/12/2023 20:24

I wouldn’t - BIL has already had the same amount and if you had bought a house yourself MIL wouldn’t ask for the money. Just say it’s locked and you can’t access it.

Or, radical concept here, tell the truth.

Avacardo2023 · 17/12/2023 18:30

SapphireSeptember · 17/12/2023 16:13

@GRex OP has already said her husband needs a car for his job.

Nobody needs a £22k car, especially in London, and if the OP had invested the original £195k at 5% that could be making interest of over £800 a month and they could have leased a car for about £200 a month out of that money without even touching the capital. At a low wage plus associated costs of car ownership it didn't make financial sense for the OP's DH to buy it outright. The general idea is if it increases in value you should buy it, if it decreases in value then hire or lease it.

The OP is making really bad financial decisions and it wouldn't surprise me if the MIL was making up the BIL situation just to try to establish how much of the gift is still remaining.

Cosicosi · 17/12/2023 18:35

This

CrazyHedgehogLover · 17/12/2023 18:41

I would compromise and say you don’t mind giving a small proportion to DBIL in the understanding he is to return it once he has sold up with his partner, I would say you want this in writing confirming the agreement.. I would tell DMIL that it will be a small amount to help him as you feel he had the same amount and as kind it is for her to have given it to you, you need it to put towards buying a house and don’t want to run the risk of not having it returned.

do a small proportion and give it in writing, basically like a contract.. id state he can’t have the full amount due to her other sons health problems and her grandchildren needing stability and a home.

doesn’t look great that DBIL had near enough the same amount and now is needing hand outs.. not fair for your family tbh.

Isinglass20 · 17/12/2023 18:42

Let’s hope HMRC aren’t reading this thread. If gifted then you’re liable for the CGT which you didn’t declare.
Is there documentary evidence to produce to HMRC that this is a gift.
Otherwise how can it be proved that your got this money from
MIL.
MIL will have to produce bank statements as proof she had the
money and a gift that is not shifting money around to avoid tax.

wronginalltherightways · 17/12/2023 18:45

Yetisquare · 16/12/2023 20:19

She said its ours to keep. Gave BIL almost the same amount in cash plus high value items from the estate of her brother for him to sell off and keep the money from

This should have been in the original post.

BIL got the same as OP's husband.

No way would I be giving the money to BIL. No way.

Snowconecanfly · 17/12/2023 18:48

Tell them you are buying* your first home and have viewings lined up …

Winter2020 · 17/12/2023 18:58

Say no. BIL has spent his money and now wants yours. ...But don't say that just tell them you can't help as you are looking to buy yourselves ASAP. ..rent is so extortionate. ...cost of living crisis ...you need your own place ASAP (yes I know you are not buying just yet)

That's it - that's all there is to say. ..Except maybe you could add that you are struggling with house prices so when BIL sells perhaps he would like to lend you a 100k or 2 to boost your deposit. You won't see him for dust!

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 17/12/2023 19:00

If you give it to bil you'll never see it again

Also 22k on a car 😶

FuckOffTom · 17/12/2023 19:05

Lot of green eyed monsters on this thread!!

Of course you shouldn’t return it, OP.

GreatGateauxsby · 17/12/2023 19:08

Scarletttulips · 17/12/2023 00:52

It appears BIL has three properties to sell, his or his gf and the flat which ever sells first they have another to move to.

You giving him money will just extend his debt -

If he can’t face selling at a lower price - which in turn means his next home will be cheaper then more fool him.

It’s not messy, he had his money and you had yours.

He owns 2 properties, you own none -

Stop tying yourself in knots and tell them you can’t access any funds.

This.

I wouldn't give a penny back.
You are taking your children's future financial security and gambling it to appease your already wealthy BIL
Just no

CipherEcho · 17/12/2023 19:14

Isinglass20 · 17/12/2023 18:42

Let’s hope HMRC aren’t reading this thread. If gifted then you’re liable for the CGT which you didn’t declare.
Is there documentary evidence to produce to HMRC that this is a gift.
Otherwise how can it be proved that your got this money from
MIL.
MIL will have to produce bank statements as proof she had the
money and a gift that is not shifting money around to avoid tax.

would it be different if its eg £50 to eg £500k etc ?

Angelsrose · 17/12/2023 19:16

I don't think you're to blame op. You were given the money without conditions. Not sure why BIL should get double portions, so to speak. Sounds a little unfair for MIL to put you in this situation. I don't think you've been irresponsible either. See if you can work out a way to keep the money. Best of luck.

Muchof · 17/12/2023 19:21

BouncingJAS · 16/12/2023 20:27

I am amazed at the cheek of your DMIL

"NO" is a complete sentence.

I am amazed at the cheek of OP. This money should have been returned or at least offered to be returned when the house sale fell through.

Nanaof1 · 17/12/2023 19:22

CrazyHedgehogLover · 17/12/2023 18:41

I would compromise and say you don’t mind giving a small proportion to DBIL in the understanding he is to return it once he has sold up with his partner, I would say you want this in writing confirming the agreement.. I would tell DMIL that it will be a small amount to help him as you feel he had the same amount and as kind it is for her to have given it to you, you need it to put towards buying a house and don’t want to run the risk of not having it returned.

do a small proportion and give it in writing, basically like a contract.. id state he can’t have the full amount due to her other sons health problems and her grandchildren needing stability and a home.

doesn’t look great that DBIL had near enough the same amount and now is needing hand outs.. not fair for your family tbh.

And if he doesn't pay it back? The OP and her DH would have to hire a lawyer and spend thousands to try and get it back? A contract, when it isn't with a company that has deep pockets and an in-house lawyer, isn't really worth the paper it's printed on.

OP-PLEASE talk to your DH. Do not listen to this stuff about "giving a little" or returning the gift. It is YOUR money, no one else's. Should you have bought a house when the gift was given? Yes, and I think you know that. Should you have bought a car with it? Debatable as to lease versus own. Using it for your DH health care? If it was needed, no one can deny that need.

But now, you and your DH need to get off the proverbial pot and get your act in gear. If your child has to move schools, so be it. It's not that big a deal and done every year by thousands of people. And your DH? You and he especially needs to stop excusing him from getting a FT job and securing his family's future. ADHD is not an excuse and frankly, people with poor health also work FT. He needs to stop being precious and step up to the plate, before he has you all in the pits with no way out.

Nanaof1 · 17/12/2023 19:25

Winter2020 · 17/12/2023 18:58

Say no. BIL has spent his money and now wants yours. ...But don't say that just tell them you can't help as you are looking to buy yourselves ASAP. ..rent is so extortionate. ...cost of living crisis ...you need your own place ASAP (yes I know you are not buying just yet)

That's it - that's all there is to say. ..Except maybe you could add that you are struggling with house prices so when BIL sells perhaps he would like to lend you a 100k or 2 to boost your deposit. You won't see him for dust!

Oh, I like this idea! Turn it around on him! He has gotten so much more help than OP's DH, that it would be so kind of BIL to help out the OP and DH some more.

Muchof · 17/12/2023 19:28

Isinglass20 · 17/12/2023 18:42

Let’s hope HMRC aren’t reading this thread. If gifted then you’re liable for the CGT which you didn’t declare.
Is there documentary evidence to produce to HMRC that this is a gift.
Otherwise how can it be proved that your got this money from
MIL.
MIL will have to produce bank statements as proof she had the
money and a gift that is not shifting money around to avoid tax.

This is nonsense.

cavalier · 17/12/2023 19:33

It’s all very well but money might not be paid back by BIL
personally I’d leave it .. it’s tainted
People giving and messing others around .. won’t bring any happiness
it’s always going to have issue hanging over it and I’d hate to feel in ownness to anyone too .. good luck I hope it all gets settled

Nanaof1 · 17/12/2023 19:33

Muchof · 17/12/2023 19:21

I am amazed at the cheek of OP. This money should have been returned or at least offered to be returned when the house sale fell through.

Show quote history

Tell me you didn't read the whole thread while obviously not reading the whole thread.

Had you read the WHOLE thread and not just sat, anxious to castigate and denigrate the OP and her DH, you would have read that they did, indeed, offer the money back to MIL.

The jealousy and envy of some of you posters is disgusting and amusing at the same time. GTFUFFS 🙄

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 17/12/2023 19:34

nobody can judge if all the medical bills were actually necessary (NHS didn't agree)

How do you know the NHS didn't agree? Maybe the treatment was necessary but there was a long waiting list. Why wait when if you can afford to go private?

Nanaof1 · 17/12/2023 19:42

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 17/12/2023 19:34

nobody can judge if all the medical bills were actually necessary (NHS didn't agree)

How do you know the NHS didn't agree? Maybe the treatment was necessary but there was a long waiting list. Why wait when if you can afford to go private?

Especially in the case of a severe breakdown. Getting help is the most important thing, money be damned, especially with the NHS in such chaos.

At this point, and in fact pretty much from the get-go, a few posters have seemed to enjoy posting their vitriol and jealousy, masked as "advice" and scolding. Their could've, would've, should'ves have abounded in this thread.

It's nice to see so many totally perfect, never did anything wrong posters who can share their self-righteous indignation with us all.

Oh shucks, that last sentence made my nose grow! 😆😉👃🙄

Mikimoto · 17/12/2023 19:48

I'd have a couple of choice words with MIL. One of them would be "off".