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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What are reasonable overnight arrangements with 175 miles of distance?

120 replies

CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 08:58

Both parents work full time Mon- Fri. Child is 5. Third party needed for handovers due to history of abuse so father would have to drive to collect and mother would have a friend facilitate. Child lives with mother (me) and courts want to work towards overnights at father's house 175 miles away. Any advice on what would seem reasonable? I don't want this to happen due to what I feel are risks to the child however I'm being forced to come up with a plan. And I need to make suggestions or the judge will just decide. No money for legal advice and have no idea what is reasonable. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
PurpleBugz · 16/12/2023 12:30

Rights of women helpline.

020 7251 6577

They can give free advice on child arrangements and family court

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:19

just to be clear - he was convicted of rape and abuse of you, and an assault on his 3 month old child?

was he imprisoned?

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:20

CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 10:28

I mention it because the judge was suggesting we stopped using a contact centre due to the cost to father, which is far less than a hotel. She seems to be very concerned about his finances for some reason!

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he pays you CMS?

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:21

CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 10:34

Yes. He works cash in hand so its £20 odd a week. I've reported him for tax evasion but they don't do anything. I've stopped worrying about it now.

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so he’s registered unemployed?

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:23

CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 10:40

No he just under declares his earnings. The judge knows nothing of our finances.

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an ok he’s self employed then

in which case, he’s not tied to the 4 week summer holiday annual leave you were worried about

Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 15:24

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:23

an ok he’s self employed then

in which case, he’s not tied to the 4 week summer holiday annual leave you were worried about

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No he's not self employed. He works for his mate cash in hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 15:24

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:19

just to be clear - he was convicted of rape and abuse of you, and an assault on his 3 month old child?

was he imprisoned?

He wasn't convicted no

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:41

CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 15:24

No he's not self employed. He works for his mate cash in hand.

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and his mate has said he can only get 4 weeks annual leave? presumably he can take whatever holiday he wants unless this mate paying cash in hand will pay him for those 4 weeks!

and he must be self employed if he’s “under “declaring” otherwise he would be paid through PAYE and pay tax etc via HMRC

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:43

CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 15:24

He wasn't convicted no

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sorry if delicate for you to answer

but if he’s an innocent man in the eyes of the law, why is this arrangement in place?

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:43

you say it was proven he assaulted his 3 month old, did it go to court?

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:45

ut the courts are clear that this was my only reasonable option due to the severity of the abuse

but what i’m confused about is that he has never been convicted and yet the abuse is still accepted as a point of fact the courts?

Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 16:01

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 15:45

ut the courts are clear that this was my only reasonable option due to the severity of the abuse

but what i’m confused about is that he has never been convicted and yet the abuse is still accepted as a point of fact the courts?

Yes I have explained it in one of my previous posts.

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 16:10

and also fact that he’s both employed, which means annual leave and CMS etc

and also under declares his earnings?

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 16:10

CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 16:01

Yes I have explained it in one of my previous posts.

Show quote history

apologies i’ll read back

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 16:12

I took it to the police who said I wouldn't get a positive outcome and talked me out of it. It's a big regret of mine but they said CPS wouldn't even look at it as coercive control hard to prosecute, as is rape, as is historic physical abuse. It was all found to have happened in a fact finding though so at least the family courts accept it to have happened. But accept it is a lower burden of proof than in criminal courts.

the family courts are basing their judgements on fact that he is a rapist and assaulted his newborn child?

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 16:17

sounds awful. very stressful op. i feel for you.

MeMySonAnd1 · 16/12/2023 16:22

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 16:12

I took it to the police who said I wouldn't get a positive outcome and talked me out of it. It's a big regret of mine but they said CPS wouldn't even look at it as coercive control hard to prosecute, as is rape, as is historic physical abuse. It was all found to have happened in a fact finding though so at least the family courts accept it to have happened. But accept it is a lower burden of proof than in criminal courts.

the family courts are basing their judgements on fact that he is a rapist and assaulted his newborn child?

It is not that rare you know? Apparently a father can be a rapist, an addict or be involved in criminal behaviour but still be believed by courts that contact is of benefit to his children.

hellsBells246 · 16/12/2023 16:35

silverheartstogether · 16/12/2023 10:12

Rape, racial abuse, and putting his baby in danger and he's still judged by the courts as deserving of a chance to be a father. The bar really is frighteningly low for men isn't it.

So sorry, OP Flowers

This 🥲

Hugs, op 💐

Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 18:56

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 16:12

I took it to the police who said I wouldn't get a positive outcome and talked me out of it. It's a big regret of mine but they said CPS wouldn't even look at it as coercive control hard to prosecute, as is rape, as is historic physical abuse. It was all found to have happened in a fact finding though so at least the family courts accept it to have happened. But accept it is a lower burden of proof than in criminal courts.

the family courts are basing their judgements on fact that he is a rapist and assaulted his newborn child?

Yes sadly happens all the time in family courts. They do a perpetrator programme, an hour a week for 6 months. And they're suddenly healed of their abusive behaviours. Bizarre.

OP posts:
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