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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What are reasonable overnight arrangements with 175 miles of distance?

120 replies

CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 08:58

Both parents work full time Mon- Fri. Child is 5. Third party needed for handovers due to history of abuse so father would have to drive to collect and mother would have a friend facilitate. Child lives with mother (me) and courts want to work towards overnights at father's house 175 miles away. Any advice on what would seem reasonable? I don't want this to happen due to what I feel are risks to the child however I'm being forced to come up with a plan. And I need to make suggestions or the judge will just decide. No money for legal advice and have no idea what is reasonable. Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Sunflower8848 · 16/12/2023 09:00

Meet half way?

Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:02

Did you read my OP?

OP posts:
Todaypicard · 16/12/2023 09:04

Can the friend drive the child half way to meet the father?

SgtJuneAckland · 16/12/2023 09:05

Who moved 175 miles?

Brenna24 · 16/12/2023 09:06

Contact centre halfway between which will facilitate handover on a Saturday morning and again Sunday afternoon?

SharedAccountWithMySister · 16/12/2023 09:06

Is the abuse likely to repeat itself, and would the court think it’s likely to happen again?

Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:07

Todaypicard · 16/12/2023 09:04

Can the friend drive the child half way to meet the father?

The courts will never make an order for someone who isn't involved in proceedings to do something like that.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 16/12/2023 09:07

If the courts want to "work towards" then I'd say go as slow as you can. What is the current non-overnight contact like?

hedgehoglurker · 16/12/2023 09:08

What are the current arrangements for contact? Is the father expected to do all of the travelling, or is travel also to be agreed/ negotiated?

Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:08

SgtJuneAckland · 16/12/2023 09:05

Who moved 175 miles?

I did but the courts are clear that this was my only reasonable option due to the severity of the abuse and isolation I experienced. I moved back with my family as I had no money and had a 3 month old.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:09

SharedAccountWithMySister · 16/12/2023 09:06

Is the abuse likely to repeat itself, and would the court think it’s likely to happen again?

They can't rule out a risk to me but feel he isn't a risk to our child.

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 09:10

CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:07

The courts will never make an order for someone who isn't involved in proceedings to do something like that.

Show quote history

so the courts have decided a third party no longer needs to be involved?

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 09:11

CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:09

They can't rule out a risk to me but feel he isn't a risk to our child.

Show quote history

did the court actually say that they “can’t rule out a risk to the mother”

Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:11

SecondUsername4me · 16/12/2023 09:07

If the courts want to "work towards" then I'd say go as slow as you can. What is the current non-overnight contact like?

It's OK but there has been intimidation towards me on his part. Son enjoys it. They've only been seeing each other for 1-3 hours, once ever other week for a short while. They've met each other about 15 times. They don't want overnights now but they want us out of court and somehow want us to predict when he's going to be ready.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:12

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 09:10

so the courts have decided a third party no longer needs to be involved?

Show quote history

No. I'm saying they're not going to make an order for my friend to drive our son to meet his dad.

OP posts:
SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 16/12/2023 09:12

What is the current contact arrangement?

crumblingschools · 16/12/2023 09:13

Would the overnights just be during school holidays?

Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:13

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 09:11

did the court actually say that they “can’t rule out a risk to the mother”

Show quote history

Yes they feel there is still psychological risk. There was rape involved and I can't be in the same room as him.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:14

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 16/12/2023 09:12

What is the current contact arrangement?

2 hours every other weekend where the child lives. Working towards a full day in increments. Been happening since May/June time.

OP posts:
SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 16/12/2023 09:15

Ah x post.. 1-3hrs every other week.
You say friends doing handover? Is contact happening in your home area?

escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 09:15

CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:13

Yes they feel there is still psychological risk. There was rape involved and I can't be in the same room as him.

Show quote history

so…. let the courts decide how the 175 mile will be dealt with if no third party required

SadlyACupOfTeaDoesNotSolveEverything · 16/12/2023 09:15

Sorry we keep writing at the same time!

Original poster
CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:15

crumblingschools · 16/12/2023 09:13

Would the overnights just be during school holidays?

I have no idea, we have both been asked to make our proposals to the court. I have no idea what is reasonable and what isn't. I don't want to give too much so that our son wouldn't cope, but also too little so it's too stressful due to it being infrequent. No idea what to suggest.

OP posts:
escapethemaze · 16/12/2023 09:16

CandyFluff99 · 16/12/2023 09:14

2 hours every other weekend where the child lives. Working towards a full day in increments. Been happening since May/June time.

Show quote history

so currently he comes to your home town?

underneaththeash · 16/12/2023 09:16

I would suggest that over the next few years you’ll get your child used to travelling on the bus and train and then when he’s ready - secondary age unless there are other issues, you’ll put him on the train alone to meet his father, who needs to collect him from the train station.