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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not call my mum?

102 replies

Macaronicheese1234 · 15/12/2023 20:55

For context I am early 40s with primary kids and mum is early 70s and single. She lives approx 45 mins away and she usually comes over one evening a week to spend time with the grandkids or we will see her at the weekend.

She complains that I never call her and says some of her friends kids call their mums daily. I don't necessarily think it's comparable as many of these kids live far away so they don't see each other so often.

I'm not a big speaker on the phone and she just wants to talk about pointless things that can definitely wait to discuss when we next see each other in person. Or via a quick WhatsApp message. I do get a bit irritable with her calling me often and am not always that nice to her particularly if she calls while I'm busy i.e. most of the time. Then once the kids are on bed I don't really feel like chatting on the phone, I'm tired and want a bit of time to watch TV or read.

AIBU to wait max a week to have a conversation when we see each other?

Also I'm interested to hear how often others see their mums in person and how often they speak on the phone.

OP posts:
Allfur · 15/12/2023 21:00

'Pointless things'? They are not pointless to her, it's part of human interaction

mynameiscalypso · 15/12/2023 21:02

I've just checked my call log and the last time I spoke to my mum on the phone was 2nd July. She - and my dad which may make a difference - also live about 45 mins away and we see them every week/two weeks. That seems plenty! In between, we may text or email.

PrincessMonacoOfKent · 15/12/2023 21:04

I live in a different country to my parents and visit once or twice a year. We speak on the phone weekly at a set time. There's the occasional email in between, but nothing more.

MrsMorrisey · 15/12/2023 21:05

I like talking to my mum. I used to get a bit irritated by it but now I love talking to her.
She is about a 12 hour drive away though.

Comedycook · 15/12/2023 21:05

I think you're being a bit mean op...I think there's a middle ground to be found here...you don't need to call every day but maybe two/three times a week

ShazzyG71 · 15/12/2023 21:09

I speak to my mum most days and spend all day on a Saturday with her. She’s 74 and lost my dad nearly 3 years ago after 51 years of marriage.
My house needs a good sort and I’m up to my eyes in washing because I work FT and can’t get it all done on a Sunday! But my mum won’t be here forever

ChaosAndCrumbs · 15/12/2023 21:09

Do you get time to chat when you see her or are you both interacting with the children? I think if you chat a lot when you see each other it’s ok, but I also think a quick phone call isn’t that much to do. I don’t call my mum daily, but I do call her often. My sister isn’t a big phone chatter and doesn’t call often, but she lives down the road and I live hours away. I would probably still call if I lived closer, but I’d also be able to pop round so I imagine I’d call less.

Speakingofdinosaurs · 15/12/2023 21:10

I don’t think you’re being mean OP.
Seeing her once a week is good and if I were you I would agree to a phone call sometime in between once a week too.
Other than that can you just txt if she calls (don’t pick up) and say “sorry can’t talk tonight, very busy - speak/see you Tuesday as usual”
That may ‘train’ her to call less.

Banana1979 · 15/12/2023 21:13

Your mum is lonely and you are her best friend. One day she won’t be here anymore and you will remember you wrote this post and you will be very hurt

you don’t have to answer all her calls but if you aren’t busy then talk to her but end the conversation saying you will see her soon

Comedycook · 15/12/2023 21:15

ShazzyG71 · 15/12/2023 21:09

I speak to my mum most days and spend all day on a Saturday with her. She’s 74 and lost my dad nearly 3 years ago after 51 years of marriage.
My house needs a good sort and I’m up to my eyes in washing because I work FT and can’t get it all done on a Sunday! But my mum won’t be here forever

This is very true. One day your mum won't be here op and you will look back on this and wish you could pick up the phone to her.

Applerumleandcustard · 15/12/2023 21:15

I’m 63 and retired / married,
DD late 20s has a BF and working full time
I don’t phone her , I text every couple of days and she usually FaceTimes once a week
We live at opposite ends of the country and don’t see each other very often

My mum is no longer with us , I like to think I could have spared her half an hour for a chat once or twice a week

Catza · 15/12/2023 21:15

I live abroad so only see my mum once a year. We call every couple of months with very few messages in between. My aunt used to live 5 min away from my grandma and she would still call her every day. I also talk to my aunt much more frequently than my mum.
I think it is all about what sort of a relationship you have. I know that my granny really appreciates a daily call from my aunt even though I expect they don’t have much to talk about either.

Maryamlouise · 15/12/2023 21:16

I used to call every week and video call with the kids but now they are primary age I really struggle to fit it in. Rush after school for dinner, bedtime etc and then she likes to go to bed early so if bedtime has taken a while or I just want to have some time to myself after the whirlwind if kids and their non stop chat then it is too late for her. Feel bad as she lives a long way away and we don't see her much

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 15/12/2023 21:16

I haven't spoken to my dm since 2012...

AgnesX · 15/12/2023 21:16

I spoke to my mum every week and visited every other month (I lived 200 miles away) until she died.

Ten years on and I still miss her. Try and be more patient with yours.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 15/12/2023 21:18

I don't think you're being unreasonable sometimes there's not a lot to say! I speak to my grown up daughter a few times a week via video call. We see each other every 5-6 weeks ish. We also message most days just trivial stuff. I would also say OP that I would give anything for my Mum, who died a few years ago to call me just one more time. Just make sure that whatever decision you make you'll be able to live peaceful with that choice afterwards.

Ktime · 15/12/2023 21:20

Is she quite independent with friends and hobbies? If yes then I’m surprised she wants a call every day. And why can’t she call you?

I do call my mum (74) daily but she’s quite isolated and has some health problems. I live in dread of calling one day and mum not being well or fallen or something.

Original poster
Macaronicheese1234 · 15/12/2023 21:21

You're right she's not going to be here forever, I'm glad I posted and it has put things into perspective

OP posts:
aLeagueOfTheirOwn · 15/12/2023 21:21

I (39 with 2 pre-school age kids) see my mum (64) 4 days a week and we're in contact daily via WhatsApp. I wouldn't have it any other way. It'd feel strange for a day to pass without having any communication with her.

Vettrianofan · 15/12/2023 21:24

She lives 45 minute car journey away, we talk on the phone once a week. Visits are roughly once a month. Used to be more frequent but life is busy especially at weekends as the DC have different clubs/sports on at weekends.

swingtowin · 15/12/2023 21:24

Could you not call her a couple of times a week when you are driving somewhere so it's not eating in to other things? Another one who would love to still be able to call their mum 😕

StarDolphins · 15/12/2023 21:26

I think you’re being mean. She comes to see her grandkids once per week, surely giving a little bit of time back is no hardship. One day, you’ll want to talk to her & she won’t be here.

TeaKitten · 15/12/2023 21:26

You are being mean, she’s probably just a bit loanly. You don’t have to talk to her every day but a phone call or two a week would be fine. It’s not pointless if she wants to talk about it.

And I no it’s not really a fair thing to say, but I can’t tell you what I wouldn’t give to be able to be able to pick up the phone one last time for a quick pointless chat with my mum, it’s been 8 years since I lost her (she was 47), and every so often I still catch myself picking up my phone to tell her something random. Your mum won’t always be here, don’t take her for granted.

Bourbanbiscuit · 15/12/2023 21:27

Glad to read your update op, I used to get a bit irritated when my mum kept phoning. Lost her nearly 3 years ago and would give absolutely anything for a phone call xx

Allfur · 15/12/2023 21:28

What does pointless mean