To not call my mum?

[Macaronicheese1234]

For context I am early 40s with primary kids and mum is early 70s and single. She lives approx 45 mins away and she usually comes over one evening a week to spend time with the grandkids or we will see her at the weekend.

She complains that I never call her and says some of her friends kids call their mums daily. I don't necessarily think it's comparable as many of these kids live far away so they don't see each other so often.

I'm not a big speaker on the phone and she just wants to talk about pointless things that can definitely wait to discuss when we next see each other in person. Or via a quick WhatsApp message. I do get a bit irritable with her calling me often and am not always that nice to her particularly if she calls while I'm busy i.e. most of the time. Then once the kids are on bed I don't really feel like chatting on the phone, I'm tired and want a bit of time to watch TV or read.

AIBU to wait max a week to have a conversation when we see each other?

Also I'm interested to hear how often others see their mums in person and how often they speak on the phone.

I see my mum roughly once a week, sometimes more. I speak to her on the phone once a week ish, but to be honest I’m like you, I really don’t like it. I don’t enjoy speaking on the phone and we never have anything to talk about, so I limit phone calls.

I’m not really one to go down the “you’ll miss her when she’s gone route”. You could argue that about contact anyone. Personally I have found a once a week face to face and once a week call is a sweet spot to maintain a harmonious relationship. If I have to speak to her any more o get frustrated and she gets more demanding the looser my boudaries become. I think quality of interaction is more important than quantity. My mum has previously done the “x talks to her daughter every day” type comment. Well sadly X and her mum get on much better than we do, or they have more time or whatever. Personally I find it comments like that that are the reason I won’t see her more than once a week.

Good to hear.

I also wanted to add, think how you feel about your own children. That's how your mum feels about you. I'm sure you will want to talk to them lots when you're an older woman and they are adults.

I’m not really one to go down the “you’ll miss her when she’s gone route”. You could argue that about contact anyone.

Thats pretty unpleasant if your mum isn’t a horrible person. You clearly don’t really like your mum, but hopefully the OP does.

Well you only get one mum. I speak to mine several times a day call each other and we only live 15 mins apart and see mum and dad most days to. The kids love calling her little monsters now they've worked out how to lol...I would be thrilled my mum called tbh but hey we are all different and if I am busy we just say busy and call later on in the day

Just don't live with regrets that you could have spoken to your Mum but preferred to be irritated and busy. None of us are here forever. I think giving your Mum 5 minutes on the phone between visits is not a massive imposition. Appreciate what you have whilst you have it. Life can change so quickly.

This.
Let's hope your children are never too busy to bother with you.

I remember when I was in my 30s, working part-time, running a home, looking after kids aged 10 and 13, husband, pets. Also studying for a qualification. My mum used to ring me every day, and I was usually cooking, shopping, cleaning, or anything else. She died when I was 36, and I've missed her so much.

Just to add - My son and his wife live a mile away, are busy with a baby and an older child, as well as pets and home (son also works F/T), but DIL texts me every single day.

I couldn't speak to my mum every week. I call her every 2-3 weeks, that's about doable for me.

So glad to read your update.

Today it's been 6 years since my Nan passed away suddenly aged 69. She bought me up and was the most amazing mother figure to me.

She lost my grandad a few years before she died and after work I was so tired sometimes I would call and say "I'll pop over tomorrow instead" or she'd ask if I could take her for a look around one of the supermarkets and I'd be too tired (she always had food, she could drive and also lived in an annexe on my aunts house) but I wish I had done all of those things and feel tremendous guilt even 6 years later that I didn't make as much time for her as I could have done (I saw her twice a week and spoke on the phone often) but time is precious, we think we have a lot of it but sometimes we really don't ♥️

On the other hand she could be around for another 20 years

I am 68 and live alone. I have 2 'kids' in their 40s. I would say, on average, we speak about once a month, unless there is something specific.

More would be nice because I am retired but whilst it may be nice for me if they were in touch more frequently, they have busy lives, and time goes by very quickly.

We get on very well, when we do spend time together and my daughter and I go on holiday together most years.

My children are not responsible for me. If/when I become more frail, perhaps they will check in more frequently - it's still not their responsibility.

I am obsessed with my mum and I think she would be more likely to post "my adult daughter won't leave me alone" 😂

No I don’t like her , but there’s good reasons for that.
Thats the problem with these mum threads isn’t it though. Everyone has an individual relationship with their mum, some great, some awful and some in the middle. Things like amount of contact will vary massively depending on the relationship.

Eekmaestro- so I guess you won't miss her when she's gone!

Will you be happy for your own children to dismiss your phone calls as pointless when they are grown up? Perhaps they will find you irritating too.

I'm sure we all talk about stuff that others consider 'pointless'.

If you see her regularly then there is no need to phone, unless it is something urgent.

Then tel her to call a friend. OPs mum is trying to force a type of relationship between them that doesn’t exist.

I didn’t actually mean I won’t miss her when she’s gone. I’m sure I will miss her and be sad with a big mix of complicated feelings. What I meant was I am not going to guilt myself into spending more time with her than I am comfortable with now, because of potential regrets in the future. I’m not going to answer her every call, see her way more than I am comfortable with and deprioritise my own needs because “one day I’ll miss her”.

A practical suggestion which has worked well for me: headphones for your phone. I now call my parents while I am doing other things - e.g. folding laundry or tidying or walking home from the station

I probably WhatsApp my mum about 4 days of the week. Depends on what’s happening. Been on every day this week, because organising some repairs.
I usually see her on a Sunday - but it depends of what’s happening on a weekend. Sometimes. I see her twice or three times a week - or not for 2-3 weeks. But she only lives 20 mins from me.

When I lived on the other side of the world, we FaceTimed every Sunday. WhatsApp would have been great then, but it was before it was a thing. So text/email had to do.

A phone call is hardly depriortising your own needs, it's not a weekend away

I live 100 miles away and see her every 5 or 6 weeks when she comes to stay for a few days. She is very changed now to how she was just a couple of years ago. I phone her every day because she is nearly 83, alone and unwell.

She is very confused these days, and although she has brother nearby and sees him daily, they don’t always get along. She sometimes gets very lonely and I am devastated that I can’t go and visit her. I can’t bear to think she will die on a day I didn’t call her and end my call by saying I love her.

My mum lives 5 mins drive from me but she lives alone since dad died 20yrs ago. I phone her every day at the same time generally - she is nearly 80 and quite frail now but I have always phoned her every day for the last 20 yrs.
I go round there in person anything from once a week to daily depending on what she needs.

It's a safety thing to make sure she's not laid on the floor having tripped up but also to give her some human interaction. When the weather is bad she may not go out or really speak to anyone. She still has lots of friends/other family who call her and she calls them. She has good neighbours who look out for her and have my number.

I usually spend a weekend afternoon with her as a minimum - these days it's only drinking tea and watching TV at her house as she's not up to going out much of time. In the past we would go out shopping/for lunch/theatre/cinema but she's not up to it. She still does her own housework, food shopping and cooks (still drives fine when she's having a good day)

I do the heavier jobs round the house for her now- she is very houseproud but struggles with some stuff. She has multiple medical appointments and is having treatment for cancer so I take her to all appointments.

I have a full time job and family but I'm lucky- my job is very flexible and I WFH and generally I can work the hours to suit me and fit things in. No young kids- just an adult DS - DS and DH are supportive and do hospital pick ups etc.
I'm lucky in that she was always a wonderful mum- has looked after me all these years and my son when he was little and I'm giving that back now- you reap what you sow as they say.

One phone call isn’t deprioritising my needs and that’s roughly what we have every week at the moment.

However before I put in place boundaries my mum used to call me 10-20+ time per day. I’d get 20+ texts per day. When I went to uni she travelled to see me most weekends despite me working at the weekend. She used to call me before 7am and after 11pm without a second thought.

I maintain one visit and one call a week because whenever I do more it leads her to demand more and slip back towards being demanding in very unreasonable ways. It was not healthy for me.

Like I say. Everyone’s relationship with their mother is different. People need to get the level of contact that is right for their situation.