To not call my mum?

[Macaronicheese1234]

For context I am early 40s with primary kids and mum is early 70s and single. She lives approx 45 mins away and she usually comes over one evening a week to spend time with the grandkids or we will see her at the weekend.

She complains that I never call her and says some of her friends kids call their mums daily. I don't necessarily think it's comparable as many of these kids live far away so they don't see each other so often.

I'm not a big speaker on the phone and she just wants to talk about pointless things that can definitely wait to discuss when we next see each other in person. Or via a quick WhatsApp message. I do get a bit irritable with her calling me often and am not always that nice to her particularly if she calls while I'm busy i.e. most of the time. Then once the kids are on bed I don't really feel like chatting on the phone, I'm tired and want a bit of time to watch TV or read.

AIBU to wait max a week to have a conversation when we see each other?

Also I'm interested to hear how often others see their mums in person and how often they speak on the phone.

YANBU

Speak with my Mum on the phone once per week. See her once or twice a year (we live in different countries).

I think your mum is a bit full on wanting to speak daily. I'd want my downtime in the evenings like you, instead of wasting time with mundane small talk.

That's interesting as it was also my teen DC who started commenting on how she spoke to me!

It really made me take a step back as I was really enabling these conversations - and honestly I'd talk to her for hours, if it did really help her but it doesn't. And then she'll give an entirely different version to my siblings and that really got to me.

It's great when she's in better form & warmer - but then makes the nasty, silent, unresponsive calls more of a shock!

Wait until your kids don’t want talk to you, then remember this.

OP already spends time with her DM twice a week - she's hardly abandoning her.

I'd do anything to be able to talk to my mum again. She died last year and I miss her so much. When she was alive we talked every few days, sometimes for over an hour, sometimes just a quick 10 mins. I have 3 girls and we all chat or message each other each day. It not forced it's just nice to catch up. Time goes so quickly so don't leave it too late because before you know it your mum won't be there to call.

OP says once a week - they either go there or her mum comes to them - it's an either/or.

We message, we never speak on the phone. Lives 4 hours away, maybe see each other every 6-8weeks

Why are you obsessed with your mother?

I think it’s cute.

Mines dead.

I used to love taking to her daily. Don’t take anything for granted as there is no guarantee of tomorrow.

Mum is in her her 70's , lives alone , give her a short call . Elderly people can get very lonely . Just let her know you care .

really? You don’t have five minutes to talk to your mom a couple of times a week? Because it’s “pointless “?

not all human interaction has to have a point or simply convey information. Sometimes there’s other, more important stuff behind it. Warmth, love, human interaction, connection.

I sincerely hope my kids value that when I’m older, potentially alone. Just like me and my Mom value it now!

I call my mum around three times a week for a mid-morning chat. I live about two hours away and see her regularly enough. She's given up calling me because whenever she does I'm in a meeting!

Yes it's good to think outside the box isn't it. I use loudspeaker so I can carry on cooking, or do laundry whilst talking. Multitasking at its finest!

You just need to get inventive. Mums are not here forever !

They are, but then surely you chose someone to converse with who has interests. Surely it's not reasonable to expect someone to talk at/bore you over the phone...every week!

What? How on earth do you deduce she doesnt really like her mum. Nothing clear about that at all.

My mum died 27 years ago and id do anything to be able to hear her voice once more.
You're disgustingly mean op. And a bit cruel too
You'll regret it..

I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. But, I loved her dearly.

Over the years we've developed a pattern where DH and I phone almost every evening.

She lives alone. Sometimes the calls are when we are very busy and don't have time. We literally just check she's okay and say good night. Some days, the call is over an hour because one of us has something to share.

We see her every 2-3 weeks.

If she's unwell ill usually phone 2-3 times a day to check, and often she mentions something and so I call my DSis who is local to pop round and help

Well my mum lived in a city about half an hour away which doesn't seem far, bit after you finish work, have housework/shopping to do at the weekend and her having a busy social life, we really didn't get to see rach other a lot, but did WhatsApp daily, even about mundane shite.

Unfortunately, her husband died in September and she has moved back to our home town and even though the circumstances have been very sad, we are made up she is closer.

I pop in almost every day. She is a very young 76, with a lot of life in her and we all love to be around her.

We lost our dad when we were young and were so happy for my mum when she got her 2nd chance at life with her husband, but we are also happy now she's close.

If your mum isn't a twat and is only just 'annoying', please don't take her for granted.

We've lost too many loved ones and now realise that every moment is precious, cheesy as that sounds.

I called my mom once a week and visited every second week. My sister called her everyday as she drove home from work. Everyone is different. I, too, am not great for chatting on a phone and prefer face to face. My dd now always calls me when she is walking somewhere. I am happy to chat as she walks along as she has a busy life and it's a good use of time. However l don't live alone and have a very busy life myself. I hate people saying; oh she will soon be dead and you'll be sorry then as we all have to handle things in a way that works for us. My mum is dead not and l haven't once ounce of guilt for only calling her once a week as l had my own dc to rear , my job and just life stuff. Could you encourage your dm to join something eg; a womans group/ day care centre/ bridge..whatever might give her an interest. I remember calling my mum in her 70s and no answer. She called back later saying...sorry l was at my pilates!!! Made my day as l knew she wasn't depending on me.

One day you will be old and wondering why your child cannot spare a couple of minutes in 24 hours for you

That's so unfair.

I'm sorry you miss your mum, and that she's no longer here.

I think that OP could make a little bit more time for those conversations, yes, but she sees her mum weekly & has a good relationship with her. OP has already reflected on earlier posts and taken on board the advice.

Using words like 'disgusting' & 'cruel' is really harsh.

I speak to mine everyday (probably more than once!) but get that each relationship and situation is different. It may be she just wants the interaction and company even if by phone. As others have said one day she won't be there. I can understand though that it isn't always ideal so perhaps just be sure to give a call later on / call back if you can where possible doesn't have to be hours on the phone.

If you call her you might be less annoyed. Sometimes it's the interruptions that are the biggest problem. If you take control of the timing, you might be able to focus better without thinking about all the things you have to do. Also, if you call, it might be easier to get off

Totally disagree that a great relationship means calling daily, it just depends on the two people involved. For me, calls and visits with my parents are better and we both enjoy them more if they aren't every day - there is just more to talk about and it's more fun. When they are gone, I'm not going to wish I had made 7 unenjoyable calls per week instead of 1 nice one. It's quality over quality.