To not call my mum?

[Macaronicheese1234]

For context I am early 40s with primary kids and mum is early 70s and single. She lives approx 45 mins away and she usually comes over one evening a week to spend time with the grandkids or we will see her at the weekend.

She complains that I never call her and says some of her friends kids call their mums daily. I don't necessarily think it's comparable as many of these kids live far away so they don't see each other so often.

I'm not a big speaker on the phone and she just wants to talk about pointless things that can definitely wait to discuss when we next see each other in person. Or via a quick WhatsApp message. I do get a bit irritable with her calling me often and am not always that nice to her particularly if she calls while I'm busy i.e. most of the time. Then once the kids are on bed I don't really feel like chatting on the phone, I'm tired and want a bit of time to watch TV or read.

AIBU to wait max a week to have a conversation when we see each other?

Also I'm interested to hear how often others see their mums in person and how often they speak on the phone.

Talk most days. She will, without fail, ask me what I’m having for my tea (at a point in the day when I haven’t even begun to think about it 🤣) and tell me what she’s having for hers. Inane chit chat is almost always involved but bloody hell I’d miss her chats if she weren’t here.

Oh come on. No daughter’s responsibility is to be their parent’s best friend. We all have to make our own entertainment, not rely on our children. It’s really unfair of anyone to attempt to make OP feel guilty for having her own busy adult life with work and primary age children.

OP, you have an in-person visit with your mum every week. You aren’t neglecting her, even if some people want to suggest that you are. That’s much better than calls and a lot more than many parents get. You really don’t need to feel pressured speak on the phone every single day as well when you’re tired.

@Eekmystro your mum could be my mum. I also have put boundaries in place, lockdowns were a real reset for me.

It's not a no contact situation but it is complicated and no amount of "she could be dead soon, and you'll be sorry " would make me go back to how it was. My only regret will be that I didn't do it sooner.

Honestly same 🤣 I remember when my first baby was very young (and, in hindsight, I was rather PND-ish), I used to video call my mom twice a day. Once before she left the house for work and again when she got home. I always tried to time naps to coincide with those times so I could chat properly. I used to count down the minutes until I could call her. She got home at 4pm-ish and id usually start trying her from 3:50pm so I'd get her the moment she got home 🤣

We still have a quick video call every day now. I usually just have the phone propped up on the kitchen counter as I'm prepping breakfast. Not particularly interesting or in depth chats, but just a quick catch up. Sometimes we barely actually talk because one or both of us is busy with whatever we're doing. But we still always call 😊

She only lives 15 minutes down the road and we see each other several times a week!

My husband calls his mom most days after work for a quick chat, and he sees her most mornings as they share lifts to work as they travel in the same direction.

Don’t speak often on the phone maybe every few wks but text pretty much daily & see each other monthly. She does have friends, hobbies & her own life though.

My mum died 10 yrs ago.
My dad is 10 mins away, and I speak to him twice a day and meet him for brekkie Saturday morning. I have 3 kids. One or two will come with me.
May seem excessive but most people can fit in a 10 min are you OK call.
My dad was amazing when I was growing up. Nothing was too much trouble for him. And now nothing will stop me just checking in that he is OK.

I live 5 minutes away from my mum but still call her every other day - sometimes we’ll speak every day. Usually it is just random stuff but we’re very close and sometimes I just like talking things out with her.

My DP on the other hand only speaks to his mum when he has to really and although they get on they aren’t super close. Everyone is different.

Eekmaestro, I'm sorry to hear about that situation which sounds intense and extreme, but it's not quite what op is describing, although maybe she relates, who knows

On the other hand, I speak or text with my MIL most days. Just depends on the relationship really. She's my best friend, an amazing woman.

Nice to hear when other people get it. It’s not possible to have a healthy relationship with some people without strict boundaries.

I do love hearing the close relationship some people have though. @ShazzaF your relationship with your mum sounds lush. I hope my DD feels the same about me some day.

"I do get a bit irritable with her calling me often and am not always that nice to her particularly if she calls while I'm busy i.e. most of the time."

I dont think from your last response that this is how you want to model to your children how they'll treat their mum when she's old?

I'm glad this thread has enlightened you and hope you can find a way to communicate more often in a way that keeps both happy.

Same distance away and I see my mum about once a week or every fortnight. Speak about 3 times a week. They don’t have to be long conversations- just to check she’s okay etc.

I lost my mum a few months ago.. There were things that wound me up about her massively. I don't live far away, but I used to ring her and my dad every day just to chat... The thing I miss most is "oh I'll ring my mum and tell her".
I'm not saying you need to ring her every day, but make one evening for a mindless chat... She sounds lonely and bored... And wants to talk to you... You'll miss it when its not available xx

Awwwwww this is funny and lovely

Hmmm. It really depends. For most of my life I've spoken to my mum daily. And long conversations - several hours at a time.

However, in recent years, I've realised the dynamic wasn't altogether healthy. There was very little in the way of emotional connection.

As life has progressed, and several bereavements & tough life situations later, including the death of my dad, an abusive marriage & pretty horrendous divorce for me, the conversations, along with the relationship has become very problematic.

Sometimes she's ok & chatty. Sometimes she's truly horrible on the phone. Pointed mean comments, silences when I tell her anything of note to me, completely depressing lists of people who've died, are very sick and going to, or nearly did & still might. For ages I still rang daily, juggling a busy job, 3 kids, myriad activities, and would spend hours trying to cheer her up or find something to connect with her about. It was awful.

I finally woke up to how mean she was being to me. I am sympathetic as she has had a tough few years, and is legitimately depressed. But sometimes her comments were so hurtful they took my breath away.

I still ring but deliberately structure it so it's time-limited (heading to work / meeting / kids). When she's mean, I try to get off the call quickly.

I really miss the better conversations we had, and I'm devastated by how she treats me. She'll never address it so I have to work around it. If I'm low myself, I don't ring her so we could go a week or 10 days without speaking.

She is better in person but is several hours away. I wood like to see her more in person to take the pressure off the calls.

Despite all the complications, I know I will miss her when she's not here anymore & I still want to hope for a relationship with her.

I don’t think these ‘you don’t know how long she has left’ comments are particularly helpful. Every mother & daughter relationship is different. My mother can be incredibly demanding, however I have in place a routine where I see her once a week or so, and my teenagers once every 2 weeks or so. It is incredibly busy with teenagers and their activities and their fallouts etc that once I sit down I don’t really want to have hour pointless chats about her next doors uncles best mates cat. My mother doesn’t always get how busy I am and likes things her own way, and I’m definitely expected to drop everything.
I think if you see her once a week that’s great and maybe as a previous poster said give her a call in the car when you are on the way to somewhere

Now that Im back in the same city as my mom, I speak with her pretty regularly, and we see each other at least once a week, sometimes more.
But when I lived abroad, I could go weeks without speaking to her.
It just isnt our way. We could text, here and there, but talked on the phone maybe once a month. Same with my dad.

I realise Im a bit lax, but life happens!
I love my mom and I love my dad! But Im not very good at calling people, and in that respect, can be a bit selfish, in that Im focused on my own life.

I agree completely.

Of course it's true that in most cases we'll miss our parents when they are gone. It doesn't always help with the challenges in the here & now though!

Surely this is a how long a piece of string thing. There are no right or wrong here and depends on the quality of your relationship. I have a problematic relationship with my mum and have strong boundaries in place to keep myself safe. Seeing her weekly would be too much for me whereas for friends who are super close to their mum they may want to chat several times a week. What works for you and also meets your mum's needs in a way that you feel able to.

I speak to my DPs once a week on the phone and visit every 3 weeks or so - they live an hour away.

I'll go against the general flow.

You don't need to speak to someone daily to be close to them - especially when you already see them twice a week. You're also entitled to a bit of downtime from a busy life.

OP, you are not responsible for your mothers happiness. Call her; don't call her..... it's your choice.

This. I used to get irritated by the 'pointless' conversation - would give anything to have one more now!

My mum lived a long way away for a long time and I still spoke to her a couple of times a week. When she moved closer I saw her nearly every day, even if only for five minutes. When she got sick, I spoke to her several times a day and saw her every day. She died in 2009 and it took me a coupe of years before I stopped picking up the phone thinking I wold just give her a call....she did sometimes call me when I was busy and I feel bad now that I was maybe a bit short with her when I would do anything at all now to pick up the phone and it be her.

I agree totally with what you have written, especially the part about sometimes being ok & chatty and then about truly being mean. My oldest is actually really starting to notice this now.

That’s to earrings&lipstick I couldn’t reply for some reason