To be annoyed by SIL making these comments towards my DD

[nhd]

SIL is very much a feminist, very woke etc but to the extreme. My DD is 3.

DD is the first grandchild to ILs and first niece / nephew to my SIL. (I think) she wants to remain child free at least for now, so she sees DD as her closest small person. SIL and PIL want to take an active part in the upbringing of my DD which I'm not necessarily against - the more loving people a child is surrounded by the better in my view. SIL and I aren't very close but we have a good relationship in that we get on when we are together but wouldn't choose to hang out as a 2 without my DH or wouldn't share deep personal secrets. All this is to say that SIL is a nice person, loves DD and doesn't make these comments maliciously I think, but they still really really irritate me and I think they're harmful.

Comments that she will make:
Eg1. We are discussing schools and I mentioned in passing mixed / single sex secondary school and dating boys. SIL instantly comments "or girls if she chooses to date them!"
Eg2. SIL comes over and DD shows her some biscuits that we made that afternoon whilst DH was at football. SIL "you know, just because you're a girl doesn't mean you need to stay home and bake. You could have gone to football with Daddy if you wanted" (DD was excited to bake, she has never expressed any interest in football).
Eg3. I am helping my daughter to put on a dress (gave her a choice of 2, she picked this one) before we go to a family function. SIL comes in (we don't live together but we were driving her there so she came to our house first) and DD runs to hug her but as we've got to leave, after a few mins, I say "come on, let's finish getting dressed, you'll look so pretty". At this point DD is wearing a stained vest, PJ bottoms and one sock. SIL "that's okay, you don't have to look pretty for anyone. You look how you like! Would you like to go like this?" I'm all for giving kids choices but surely I can at least encourage my daughter to wear clean clothes and dress up for occasions? Of course I'd let her wear something else if she didn't like a dress but why put ideas in her head?
Eg4. And the "you don't have to look pretty for anyone" is an ongoing thing. I was once putting on make up before heading out for date night, SIL came over to babysit. DD started copying me, pretending to put on make up, then came up to the mirror and said "wow so pretty, like mummy!" SIL once again said to her "but remember, you don't have to ever try to put on make up or change yourself to impress a man"

Your SIL is offering balance
You are reinforcing stereotypes and pressure to be pretty

I actually do agree with this. I think that the OP worrying that her daughter will be 'distracted by boys' was a bit odd and borrowing trouble, but my point against that isn't really that the daughter might be gay, just that it is too soon to be worrying about that. The SIL sounds like a stereotypical 90s feminist to me,I haven't heard that kind of talk for quite a long time. She is strangely old fashioned in her approach, not to mention boring.

What stereotypes is the OP enforcing?

Offering a choice of two dresses as the two options for an event?

I get why it grates on you ... My son is such a typical lad. It's just how he is and he enjoys it. My mum's always making comments to him about things that are more feminine. He just isn't interested, I'd rather just follow his own interests.

Perhaps she likes wearing dresses? Kids go through phases, and it doesn't necessarily have to do with masculine or feminine. I had a phase as a toddler of only wearing trousers, and then another phase of only wearing dresses. My mother wasn't a stereotypically 'girly' person at all (far less than I am myself, I must admit) and she would have known better than to try to get me in trousers when going out. She certainly wouldn't have appreciated a running commentary from someone who didn't live with us on the dynamics of dressing me. I would see the point if the OP was a pageant mom who was plastering her daughter in makeup all the time and robbing her of a childhood, but that clearly isn't the case. I think SIL is being a busybody and the OP is nicer than I would be.

If you chose to go back to work then that's your choice. Stop degrading women who don't want to work because they didn't make the same decision as you.

Oh don’t get me wrong I don’t think she should be shamed for baking! Tots love baking- boys and girls- it’s a perfect toddler activity.
but I don’t think your SIL was seeking to shame , I think she’s just trying to counteract some of the unconscious conditioning that starts so early. From your pp’s it does sound like you are modelling / projecting some v bland / prevalent gender stereotypes in a lazy way. This is so easy to do, but it’s really important to be actively on top of it. I think it’s great to encourage girls to take an interest in sports like football, even if she doesn’t take to it just now, hopefully she’ll still absorb that message somewhere and later down the line she might consider football an option when she wouldn’t have otherwise.

Perhaps she does, but OP gave the impression that she needed to get changed to look pretty for the event. And the two choices in order to fulfil that were two dresses. So her DD had the choice between dress A or dress B to ‘look pretty’. It’s a snapshot of one event but on the limited info we’ve been given it’s not a huge leap to see the message being suggested is that dresses equal prettiness.

I agree we can't know for sure, but I still think SIL is getting into choppy waters criticising. Not her child, not her business.

Go SIL! She is supporting you in making sure your DD grows up strong and independent. It’s not too soon to start. Gender stereotyping starts early and, from your post, you are inadvertently reinforcing some of this. For example choice of two dresses, speaking about being ‘pretty’. Better gender positive language would be ‘You can choose what to wear but we must be clean and tidy/dressed for the weather/what makes you feel comfortable. Likewise the make up thing try ‘does it make YOU feel good? Is that how YOU like to look? Do YOU like to look like that?” You’re pretty (although can be used as a compliment I suppose) shouldn’t be the goal of her wearing make-up. Rather her expressing her identity/creativity/values. It’s hard to get it right OP (not judging) but if you see SIL as helping rather than hindering your DD will have two very positive female role models in her life

Pointing out that not all choices are feminist isn't degrading women, that's ridiculous.

Agree, and it’s a tricky business offering advice out of your lane so to speak. But SIL seems to be offering counters ie. of course you can do this, but this also exists as an option. I wouldn’t be bothered by this but my view is probably coloured by the fact I sit on SIL viewpoints more than OPs I think. I see your point though, unasked for advice is always choppy waters as you say.

I totally agree. These 'feminist' threads all seem to go the same way. You are only a true feminist if you dress in a boiler suit to go on a night out, work full time as well as parenting your children, to show that women can have it all, and bring up your girl children to see lipstick as the enemy. I haven't seen anything like it since 1995. Absurd.

No, but I've seen your comments on so many posts and you're always targeting stay at home mums.

I will admit, I am much closer to OP in outlook than I am to SIL. I don't wear a lot of makeup, but I do love dressing up in lovely ultrafeminine clothes, and baking. I hate football with a passion and dislike outdoorsy pursuits. I don't think that makes me any less of a feminist that anyone else.

@Tandora oh I'd say it 100% is shaming a toddler if they come to you proud of something they've made and instead of going "wow that's so nice" you tell them they should have been doing something else instead...
And I'm not sure you have any right calling me lazy when you know extremely little about me.
Yeah she should be shown that she can go to football. For example by being taken to football. And she should be shows that she can play with cars. For example by being bought toy cars. As she is.

I'm not targeting them at all. It's a discussion, one which originally wasn't even about SAHM's and I wasn't the one who brought it up.

But if it is brought up, I will discuss it. Last time I checked, that's the purpose of AIBU.

If it was the other way round, say she went to watch football, and someone kept saying "but you know, as a girl, you could bake instead" that would be sexist and inappropriate. So why not let her enjoy what she enjoys without bringing her gender into it?
Completely agree op.

About 10 years ago my first niece was born, I had friends who always spoke about feminism, they filled my head with all that stuff and so I was determined to find gender neutral toys/clothes only, and steered away from anything pink. (I cringe now at how I went on and on and onnnn to my parents about her not needing anything pink just because she is a girl and we dont say things like she is pretty) so I bought train sets, dull coloured clothing etc .

Once she got to the age of asking for things herself, all she wanted was pink and purple unicorns, sequins, glitter, dolls, crafts. Still wears it all now, new craze is leopard print everything. Loves baking, always wants to wear a bow in her hair. She is on a (mixed gender)football team and also plays GAA.

🤷‍♀️ The child likes what she likes.

Nobody forced her or brainwashed her to like these things. She literally chose them with her own free will.

She sounds fantastic - are you my SIL complaining about me?
She is babysitting for free you should be singing her praises not picking at her for telling your daughter she can be anything and is perfect just as she is.
The only one I think is number 3 telling her it's ok to go out half dressed. That would annoy me and I'd have to say something like 'actually SIL we have a rule that parents choose clothes/ we dress smartly for smart occasions so it would be really helpful if you could avoid saying anything that undermines this family rule'

Agree

You do seem strangely obsessed with the topic, to be fair. Like I don't often remember usernames, especially not generic 'mum and numbers' ones, but I remember yours because you are always going on and on about how being a SAHM is a bad idea.

Who said she's babysitting for free, sorry?

I can't discuss it with myself. If I'm strangely obsessed with it, so are those who also engage with the topic over multiple threads.

Plenty of topics repeat themselves.