To wonder how on earth to raise a child bilingual?

[EstherE]

DH is from country X, I am English and we live in England. DH’s family only speak their language, my family only speak English. I speak X language but not perfectly fluently. We want to move back to X, but it won’t be for ten years or more.

How can we raise our child to be bilingual so they can communicate with their paternal family integrate when we move back? I don’t know anyone who’s done it successfully, and we can’t send our child to an X language school as they’re only in London, or boarding schools.

We've managed to do this successfully with our children. DH only speaks with them in his language (since they were born). He also gives them lessons from the curriculum in his country and we watch a lot of TV from there. I have a high level in the language but mainly speak with them in English. All children fluent in both languages.

You should both speak X language to the child (or as much as you can, OP if you’re not fluent).

Your DC will pick up English from nursery/play groups/school/ other relatives very fast anyway. I know families where neither parent is a native English speaker and the children speak English perfectly even though it’s never spoken at home, so that is not a worry. Just focus on language X.

I'm am english speaker, DH is German. We live in Germany. I only speak English, DH only speaks German. Our eldest is 3 and can speak both really well.

At school they will always speak English. They will also do so with most friends.

Advice: At home always speak x language and over the weekends spend time with people from x country who speak the language and have a community of people that speak x language that also have children DC can play with - who invite you to parties and events etc (you know weddings, play dates, the odd theme park trip). If you can afford to holidays at x country at least once a year.

The main thing is for DC to hear the language or speak the language on a regular basis.

This is coming from someone that grew up bilingual.

From direct personal experience, we grew up in a bilingual household. Similar OPOL but to a lesser extent. We watched some TV in the second language but attended school speaking in our mother tongue.

We then moved to another country where we had to speak the second language. By the end of the summer we had both picked up our second language sufficiently to both speak and start writing in it. Age approx 7 & 9. The problem then became staying in touch with our mother tongue - I took classes in mine in secondary and these were a breeze for me. My younger DS did not and as a result the fluency and confidence is a lot lower.

I'd point out that I don't particularly enjoy reading in my mother tongue, nor would I be able to do formal business in it, but it is perfectly adequate for day to day, reading the newspapers, travelling etc.

I'm following with interest because OPOL is not working here as neither my DH or I speak each other's mother tongues, or speak consistently to our child in those languages. I probably do it more than DH does but it is very superficial.

I’m in the same situation OP and I have been told the solution is to be persistent. If the child responds in English to DH then he should say “I cannot understand, speak to me in X language”. It worked for a family that I know that dad is Greek, mum is Polish and child has been raised in London so he speaks English as well. Another thing you can try is find a childminder that speaks the language and spend time with the DC for a few hours a week

I also failed to teach my children in my mother tongue, I remember trying when they were babies and they would give me the oddest looks, it was a little of an effort as well because I have forgotten a lot of the language. So sad really.

What I would mention, that working within a preschool setting it can be really daunting for children who don’t understand English to be put in the setting. I feel sorry for them, because they are surrounded by adults and children that are not making any sense while struggling with settling in. We try using their own language by having key words but sometimes the way we pronounce words just leaves them baffled, I feel like I am butchering their language!

On the positive side, once they reach primary school age most children seem to catch up and do pretty well. So it is just the initial shock of going to preschool and making friends is quite difficult when they are the only ones speaking their language. Maybe looking into an international school would be the way forward, as someone mentioned they did.

Would love to know why anyone has voted you’re being unreasonable here

I speak welsh to our 19 month old, have done since baby and he understands both English and Welsh. I’m not fluent but at least he learns the basics with me and then can learn more fluent when school age.

How old are the children though?
I think it’s normal that they would reply in English, but if they understand the other language this is what is important and over time they will start to speak it, especially if you move.

Personally I think it’s easy. My children are bilingual. Just make sure your DH speaks his language.

I must say thay I disagree that it doesn't work being a bilingual child growing up where each parent speaks their own! We did have yearly visits to France however which helped! We wereencouraged to watch TV programmes and films in French and my papa read us French bedtime stories. But as a teacher where most of my class don't have English as a first language and parents from different countries there are many children succeeding to be trilingual.

I voted YABu because OP seemed to be panicking that this was hard, but it’s really not. I know loads of people who grew up bi or even tri lingual. My kids are bilingual.
you just need each parent to speak their native language and not worry too much - especially when they are young - about what they speak when they reply . Just stick with it and they will learn.

A family member lived in a different country, let's say France. She spoke to her DC in her (imperfect) French, not in English which was her native tongue. Father not in the picture. The DC grew up speaking poor French and poor English as neither language was taught correctly at home. By taught I mean "used"

Fair enough, thought it seemed harsh as OP was asking for advice and obviously really values the second language/has learnt it herself etc

This is exactly it! It only genuinely fails where the parent becomes discouraged (because the child only responds in - say- English), and gives up. In my view it can also create problems if you push it too hard by insisting they reply in a particular language when they are still little.

Don’t make either the ‘second language’ you speak English, husband speaks X. Consistently, all the time, everyday and make it completely habitual.

Use mainly x language in the home (you and DH talk to each other in this language around baby from early age) and English outside the home. I've not done it myself but I work with children and a lot of Eastern European children I worked with did it this way and were fluent in both languages from an early age.

My friends have totally bilingual English / Romanian children. Mum speaks to them only in Romanian, Dad only in English.

It does help that both parents are fluent in both languages.

I’m so envious of all your languages. I really wish I could speak another language. Some very lucky kids about

This is an interesting thread. Never been in the situation, but what effect does not responding to children's needs unless they use a specific language have on them. So everywhere they communicate in one language including with their dad, but with their mother they get nothing unless they use a different method of communicating.
How does that work for communication beyond just learning language.
I'm interested because we have family doing Irish/English this way. They have Irish at school though and seem to talk to friends in both languages.

German here but DD was born here and her main lanuage is English.

We speak 95% German at home, the only difference is when it comes to school work and when we have friends over.
She was in nursery 4 days/week from 9 months onwards.

In younger years, TV was mainly German, as were books/audiobooks and music (nursery rhyme/toddler music).

She alwys understood 100% but replied in English.

She is now 16, can speak, write and read German. Got an 8 in GCSE as an additional exam. Has proper conversations with her grandparents and other family when we are visiting. She has spent twice a week alone in the Summer holidays in a riding camp.

We went to farm stay holidays when she was younger so she had to speak German with other children too young to learn English in school. On holiday she went to German speaking kid clubs.

So bascially, lots of exposure and constant practice. Don't get discouraged when English comes in. Speak X's language at home (good practice for you as well), holidays and children TV/books to get your child's passive learning up.

This is an interesting thread. Never been in the situation, but what effect does not responding to children's needs unless they use a specific language have on them.

Maybe you mean something else but - it teaches them that they need to verbalise their wants in x language in order to communicate.

I’ve never heard of that method. Seems a bit punitive to me? 🤔

But they go to an Irish speaking school in Ireland so are immersed in Irish at school. One parent speaks no Irish and one is fluent so they speak English at home. But the children speak Irish to each other and to their friends but have to speak English generally outside their community.

There is no English what so ever at school and exams are done in Irish.