To wonder how on earth to raise a child bilingual?

[EstherE]

DH is from country X, I am English and we live in England. DH’s family only speak their language, my family only speak English. I speak X language but not perfectly fluently. We want to move back to X, but it won’t be for ten years or more.

How can we raise our child to be bilingual so they can communicate with their paternal family integrate when we move back? I don’t know anyone who’s done it successfully, and we can’t send our child to an X language school as they’re only in London, or boarding schools.

One person, one language. My 2 boys speak English to me and French to their dad. We live in france, they have been through the French education system so only spoke English with me at home. Lots of books, songs, certain TV in English. All my family live in the UK but we visit as often as we can. I only speak French to them when I'm with my in laws so that I can be part of the group conversations. Sometimes they would reply in French to my English but that's normal and actually amazing when you think about it. Be consistent, start from birth, don't compare to others journeys and don't give up, it's an amazing gift to give them!

I'm bilingual and my siblings are not for one very good reason, I was spoken to only in language A by stepfather from a very young age - 3 years old and only in english by mother.
They will only be truly bilingual if you do this. Its no good dipping in and out of the language, you have to only speak that language to the child and persist and it's no good starting in late childhood.
My siblings were not spoken to in their original language by their father, my stepfather, it was mostly english.

What Trickedbyadoughnut says. OPOL is a long-haul thing. You have to persevere with it even if the child only ever responds in the other (usually majority) language. I had phases of this certainly with my older two (living in European country, English the minority language, we've always done strict OPOL even out and about with them in pretty rural areas where people would hear us speaking English and actually turn to stare). They're older teens and both bilingual now. Youngest hasn't done the rejection thing yet.

Of course in the hypothetical scenario that an older child (I'm thinking 9-10 at the youngest) says 'I really can't stand you speaking MinorityLanguage to me, please stop it' and a conversation about your reasons doesn't help, then you might want to reconsider, but otherwise making 'Mum/Dad speaks their language to you' a non-negotiable thing is the only way really.

Where the parents have different first languages, I don't think the home language/outside language model is ideal, unless the other parent speaks the home language very, very well indeed (near-first language level), because it means the child will be getting flawed input from one parent. (This is the same reason all the pushy MC parents I encounter in cities over here who have decided to speak English to their children because 'we both did a year in the US when we were at school/university so we're basically fluent really' don't really have a hope of producing a bilingual speaker). Also, a parent not speaking their first language to their child can inadvertently cut them off from a wide range of cultural references and resonances.

Look at the PEaCH project (Google, amazing stuff based on research) and books by Adam Beck.

'At home there is a mixture of languages. I speak English to them and French to DH. DH only speaks French (though is actually fluent in English). The DC speak French to DH, English to me, and 80% French to each other.'

(From TadpolesInPool above) This is very like how things work in our house (same situation, except German instead of French, and the percentage of English between my older two is perhaps very slightly higher).

Perhaps you need to look further and at better examples. I'm an opol parent, have friends who are too and our children are at school, speaking both languages.

We're a bilingual family and I agree with you that OPOL is not enough; the language of the country you live in is always dominant.

MLAH (minority language at home) is better, and as you say, you'll need to work hard to speak your DH's language. He needs to help you too and correct you if you're getting it wrong (I have to ask/remind my DH to do this). Your DH needs to take responsibility too; if he speaks English at work and in day-to-day life, it might feel easier for him to speak English than his native language, but he must ensure he speaks his native language All. The. Time.

Other things that help:

• If you can afford it, get a nanny or au pair who is a native speaker in DH's language.
• Look for clubs and group for native speakers of that language; this probably depends where you live but we live in a city with lots of nationalities where there are toddler groups and Saturday clubs for other languages.
• Putting all TV in the minority language, listening to minority language radio and songs at home, reading minority language books at home.

And, obviously, spending as much time in DH's country as possible, with his family and friends, being immersed in the language, and having fun - if they associate the language with loved ones and good experiences, they'll be motivated to speak it and continue to do so.

One thing that helped the minority language (English) for my children was that I insisted the cat spoke the minority language, so DD who was 3 or 4 when we got the cat and still quite resistant to speaking English, started speaking it more because she wanted to talk to the cat DS was born when she was 7 and I told her she was his second language teacher so she has to speak English to him too so they only speak English with each other (and as a consequence, DS has always had much stronger English and so far has not been through any resistant phase)

The instances I've known of one parent, one language that have worked best are where the mother speaks the language, not the father. My husband was working away a lot and just didn't even chat away to the kids when he was caring for them in the same way I did- in motherese, moving to the full language. Hence, my children don't speak their father's language fluently at all, but we did do lessons and learn the alphabet.

I've found that it's nearly always the mother ensuring the child speaks their language or even the children speaking their father's language (my friend drove her kids to Arabic classes at 7am for years).

DS breaks the minority language is weaker rule, English is definitely his stronger language, so much so that he has to get extra help at nursery with the majority language (whereas DD didn't need any extra help and was switched from Finnish as a second language instruction to native Finnish instruction in school in the 2nd grade)

A family member has a foreign wife. She's only spoke her language to dcs. Uncle English.
From a young age they could call grandparents abroad and have full conversations.

Why is this thread in AIBU?

Also, it tends to work best where the minority language in English, due to the huge amount of English resources, media, cinema, the whole world mostly does speak English and so on. If it's a very uncommon minority language, there's no reinforcement. In my husband's country, a lot of adverts are now in English. It's so hard given the dominance of English.

My most successful bilingual friends are those where both parents speak the same language at home, or the mother speaks the language all the time and takes the kids to visit their families. If that's you, great, if not, you will have to make much much more effort.

I do know families where even the parents speaking the language at home failed, and also where the English is initially accented similarly to the parents, but over time the accents have dimmed a bit.

I have a lot of bilingual friends and know a lot of bilingual families, and we all just accept what we are doing is often imperfect but keep trying, and one child sometimes loves it and another doesn't, it's all wrapped up with identity, so be kind to yourselves about it, but do persist if you can (and as the mother, you are much more likely to, IMO).

I suspect it might be different when English is the minority language. It's such a dominant language in international culture; taught from a young age in many countries, heard in songs and other contexts, etc etc.

Also agree with PPs that it depends whether the mother or father speaks the minority language.

My native language is English and we live in England so we do have to make extra efforts with the minority language.

Cross post

For DT’s - the language of the country they lived in wasn’t the strongest but the weakest. They didn’t hear any English at home. We didn’t have English tv. English, although we lived in London was their third language - they went to nursery but although they fully understood the language, they were very resistant in not speaking English.

OPOL worked for us. DH is French and was very strict about only speaking French with the children from birth. I spoke English and our relationship language was English. The children were at the local English nursery/school (though in inner London so multilingualism very common). This is exactly the scenario where OPOL often produces passive bilingualism only (children understand but won't speak Dad's language). Both our older children switched from understanding but not really using French to speaking fluently during a summer holiday when they were 4. (We went to exclusively French holiday resorts for a fortnight each year and put them in the children's club in the mornings.) We moved to France when they were 6 and 8 and they were able to switch directly from an ordinary UK primary to our local French one. So it really can work but my husband was incredibly disciplined about it and we also had French au pairs as often as possible to have another French speaking adult around. Since moving to France we've had another baby so his experience will be quite different but I think it's always easier to nurture English abroad as there's so much English media and having good English is desirable/high status.

Friends of mine have the same situation as you. The dad only speaks to the kids in his native language. He was proactive in teaching them to write in it (different letters, not taught in school). He bought them books and they read them together.

The minority language being English definitely makes a difference as far more exposure in media etc. but there was still a difference between my two children which I suspect was due to the amount of exposure at home - DD was only spoken to in English by me, and in the early years that was only half the time as the other half she was with her dad. It didn't improve until after a holiday to the UK where she discovered children didn't understand her, and getting a cat that "spoke English". DS on the other hand was spoken to in English by me and his sister, and was with me every single day until he was nearly 4 and started nursery so a whole lot more exposure.

I feel for you!

My son vehemently rejected English between 2 - 5 then vehemently rejected Dutch for the next 6 bloody years!

He's now 12 and equally comfortable with both languages as well as casually learning two more languages just for fun. He loves to hear stories (in any language) about how annoying he was with the OPOL approach.

My next-door neighbour is Serbian and was tearing her hair out for years when her daughters refused to speak Serbian to her family during summer trips home. As if poor Baka can magically begin speaking Dutch for two months every year.

You haven't failed at all, and a jury of bilingual parents will never convict you for hurling the little blighters into the river.

I am fluent in DH's language so when we are all together it makes sense for us to speak his language. I don't make many mistakes, but when I do he can correct me.

However, when it's just me and the children (no DH) I speak my native language (English) and would feel unnatural to do otherwise.

My children are still young so it's early days but I strongly feel that we have to prioritise DH's (minority) language at home... we don't always manage it because it just feels easier to talk English, but the children won't be fluent in his language if I just leave it up to him. The influence of school and everything else is just too strong.

If you have plans to move back to your DH’s native country eventually, don’t forget to teach DC to also read and write in the language. Many parents forget to do this so their child is bilingual linguistically but illiterate in the other language so it isn’t overly helpful in that country.

It’s as simple as using both languages when you teach them to speak as small children really. Children are like sponges so will pick it up quickly.

Speak only X at home, have TV, computer gammes, etc. in X, have him regularly speak X on phone/Skype to family, and, if possible, find him a friend who speaks X to meet up with / do an activity with. Get some activity books for him to do in X.

If you can afford to travel to X regularly or for him to spend his school holidays there, even better.

Be strict at home about him speaking X fluently and not replying in English or inserting English words when he doesn't know them in X.

I’m a teacher and have taught many bi lingual children and agree that the one parent one language seems to be the way it’s done. I’d also suggest you get them books in both languages so that they’re familiar with it written down as well as spoken. Practise is key though. If you don’t use it you loose it.