To wonder how on earth to raise a child bilingual?

[EstherE]

DH is from country X, I am English and we live in England. DH’s family only speak their language, my family only speak English. I speak X language but not perfectly fluently. We want to move back to X, but it won’t be for ten years or more.

How can we raise our child to be bilingual so they can communicate with their paternal family integrate when we move back? I don’t know anyone who’s done it successfully, and we can’t send our child to an X language school as they’re only in London, or boarding schools.

I have no personal experience but I was on the bus recently and a woman was there speaking to her child in German (which is spoken quite a lot where I live in London) but the child replied in English. I think this is very common.

I’m bi-lingual. My mum spoke to me in Spanish and Dad spoke to me in English. It’s odd as I don’t feel like a have a ‘first language’. I did the same and kids are fluent Spanish. Lots of code switching in this house mind!

My son's best friend is trilingual - English is second (or third!) language for both mum and dad, who are from very different countries themselves. Mum speaks to them in her language even though they answer in English and Dad now sends them to language classes but that's more recent (started age 8 or so).

Bilingualism doesn't come as easily as people imagine.

The people I know who have done it successfully have basically had a hard rule whereby one parent only speaks their mother tongue to the child and the other parent only speaks theirs. Understandably, a lot of people don't want to live like that because it restricts the communication across the wider family but if it's really important to you you and your DH probably need to try to keep communication with your kids to your respective mother tongues.

The other way it happens is if the parents both speak one language at home and the kid is brought up and educated in a second language but this doesn't apply in your case.

My DD's dad is from another country but he refused to speak to her in his mother tongue when she was little (we're now divorced). I found this very frustrating although I understand more now because it makes everything more difficult if the partners relationship is conducted in one language to talk to the child in a different language. My DD is therefore not bilingual and basically only speaks English, although she does have a few words and phrases in the other language.

Our friends’ children do understand the other language but will only ever reply in English. Though this is better than not understanding it at all, they’re completely unconfident in speaking and can’t/won’t communicate with family in the other language, so I (and their parents!) don’t count it as being successful.

I know a lot of it will come down to the personality of the child but I want to set patterns as early as possible, especially as we plan to move there whilst the child is still young.

I'm British living in an EU country with DH from there and DD4. We're doing one parent, one language. At this stage her comprehension of English is very good but her default language is the European language. She only really uses words here and there but isn't yet forming full sentences in English. I try to stay calm about it and trust that it will come with time. It will help that English isn't a small minority language, I think. She has been at school since before she was 3 and there's also a third regional language that is used at school so that adds another layer of complexity. She will hopefully end up trilingual though!

This is very common when you have kids raised in a country which is not where their parents come from. It's quite surreal to watch as someone from a monolingual upbringing but it's clearly good for language learning!

Yes, that’s very common in my experience and might happen even if you both spoke language x at home.(child replying in

If you are not fluent in language x, I wouldn’t want to be speaking language x to your baby. You want to be able to chat naturally with her, sing the nursery rhymes of your childhood and engage with her spontaneously, freely, play with language. That’s going to be harder and more exhausting if you’re constantly having to mentally translate things and it will make being around your baby exhausting.

Mother’s speech is really important for developing grammar constructions etc so I would just speak to her in English and let dad speak in language x. When older you can also use it as a treat for screen time - yes you can watch tv but only in language x.

I speak to my DD in English and she replies in the other language. It might sound strange to others!

OPOL failed badly for us. DH is English, I am not (and I also speak a fairly obscure language). Spoke with DD exclusively in native language since she was born but once she started nursery she refused to communicate in my language. She now openly rejects it (age 4) and will respond that she doesn't understand when I address her in my language. This causes a lot of pain because my parents don't speak English at all so her communication (and bonding) with them is extremely limited as she demands that we translate everything they say to her.

In my opinion, the only thing that would have worked for us (maybe) would have been if DH and I used my native language as a 'home language' but DH doesn't speak my language well either and we communicate with each other in English. If your situation is similar - I'd advise that you brush up on the other language and consider 'home' language vs. country language.

If you move there after dad speaking it from birth, they will become completely fluent living in the country x, so I would not worry.

Don't give up! She's only 4. I have noticed it gives DD's English a boost when DH makes an effort to speak English at home though. I think it makes a big difference when she can see I'm not the only crazy person speaking a different language.

Can you get a childminder who speaks x language? My friends had a Greek childminder, because they have busy jobs (they are GPs) and the father is Greek. Their after school child minder and father only spoke in Greek. (The mother has a reasonable grasp of Greek.)

It's common for the pattern you describe where they start school and start refusing to speak the minority language, the key here is to try to maximise exposure, so for example all TV could be in the minority language, seek out local groups to socialise with other families with children who speak that language, make regular (as far as possible) trips to the country where that language is spoken, speak regularly to family members on video call in that language etc (most effective if they don't speak English).

If it would be difficult for you to switch your relationship language with DH then don't. You don't have to do this. You can if you want to, and it will help, but it's not necessary. The key is exposure and creating a sense of necessity and use for them. Children aren't stupid and they are going to know that your DH speaks English, but if they have semi-regular situations where they DO need to speak that language then they will use it more. Even if they don't respond in the language, at least they understand it.

This is exactly what’s happened for my friends (in three separate families). I think having X as a home language is the only thing that’s really going to work but it’s going to be a huge effort for me to get my speaking to a stage where it’s just as easy to communicate as in English.

I should add, a family member is trilingual achieved as mum spoke 1 language, dad spoke 2nd (language of country they lived in). Grandmother & au pair spoke third, and they chose a school which was in third language.

It was not always easy, they opted to prioritise this with summer schools to improve reading & writing and it was also facilitated by moving country - lived in country with language of dad until age 3, then language of mum from 3-7, then back to first country but with schooling in third language & weeks every summer in mums country.

It's common for the pattern you describe where they start school and start refusing to speak the minority language

This is so common but some parents will be brutal. Family members mum just used to not reply to him if he refused to speak her language and refused to ever put tv on in english for him.

Another friends daughter always said she didn't understand at home. Then school had a refugee join with no english & only their language. Friends daughter suddenly demonstrated she could in fact speak and understand fluently and helped befriend new girl, much to the admiration of classmates!

Children will lie because they want to fit in in the country they live in.

They sort of think X language is just one of their parent's funny quirks, it helps to show a community that uses that language. So find others who speak it and do clubs and meet ups, TV and music etc. Get grandparents to video call in that language and go for as long as you can in holidays.

I have a friend whose DC refused to speak her language so she sent him to stay with non-english speaking GP on his own for two weeks. That got him speaking it just fine.

If you're moving there and not fluent, I'd worry more about your own ability than DC's!

. I think having X as a home language is the only thing that’s really going to work

Doesn't have to be. My family member, dh never learned her language, he only knew the language of the country they lived in.

I have three bilingual children. One parent one language. Raised in France now all working in the UK.

I’ve not done this personally, but have a friend who did. From birth, they only spoke to the kids in their language. They insisted the kids speak back in that language. Obviously it was difficult in the toddler/young child years when kids are learning to talk as they get confused between the two languages, start to get a preference for English once they get to school and speak English only but persistence is key. Gentle correction as a toddler/young child and refusal to listen/acknowledge as a school age child. English was no issue as their DH spoke English with the kids, plus kids tv was in English plus general chitter/chatter at child care and then school. It worked and her kids were like fluent native speakers of her language (and in writing) by the time they left primary school.

Perseverance is key. My two spoke English to DH for years but he continued to speak his language back to them even if they ignored him. English is the common language in the house. Both DCs switched in their teens to responding in DHs language. It was a tough slog and fair play to him for not giving up. They both say they didn't like speaking it when younger and weren't confident but it became a cooler thing once they were teens.

So go for it and don't get discouraged if they answer in English, just keep going

Ah that’s not failure. My kids speak to me and DH in English. We speak our mother tongue to them (me more than DH since I read and write it fluently) all the time. But when they are in our home country and they are forced to speak it they are fine. They also understand it fluently.

I have not spoken a single world of English to DD who is nearly 4, in her entire life.

Despite my ritualistic rigorous One Parent One Language - DD who understands me perfectly does not speak my language. Unless pressed and pushed to say just two or three words

and frankly - speaking ONLY in my language is now seriously getting in the way of my relationship with her and us talking about complex things whether emotional, outer space dinosaurs friendships history or whatever.

I don’t know the answer. But in my case One Parent One Language has stopped at understanding. No speaking has resulted

If the parents are speaking to their kids in sat Greek and they're responding in English, that's not a fail. That's surely full absorption of language. And then it's about manners. Granny only speaks Greek, we speak to her on Greek. We do not speak English in Greece because it's rude.