How is your house not a shithole?

[Give0fecks]

Help me. I’m drowning. I just feel so overwhelmed by the never ending mess and clutter and shit everywhere. I spend HOURS everyday tidying and cannot get on top of it.

I have a 3yo and 1 yo, a dog, a lazy husband and we are all at home a lot. So 3 meals a day for the kids and I. Toys everywhere, plates/packets everywhere always on the kitchen sides. Colouring pens, scraps of fucking scribbles, play doh, Breadsticks under the table as the baby constantly lobs food everywhere. Clothes all over the floor upstairs, out of the drawers/ “floordrobe”.

I just cannot cope. It’s not like I leave it and it builds up, it’s just a tsunami wave of mess constantly and I cannot keep up. Everyday the dishwasher goes on, laundry in, kitchen sides/table cleaned, etc and it lasts 3 seconds and it’s like a bombs gone off again.

im not exaggerating that it’s actually causes me anxiety!

Just see the mess as another style of decor!

Havent had a chance to read the full thread but have you thought about/can you afford a cleaner/housekeeping sort? I used to get someone for 4hrs every two weeks but now i have someone every week. My place has always been cluttered but she's been amazing and declutters/has shown me what my house could possibly look like. That in turn has given me the impetus to keep it better. Maybe you are starting from a point of mess so its hugely demotivating to start whereas if you can start from a good place, its easier to maintain

For the everyday mess, I leave what I can until the kids go to bed and then spend maybe 30 mins going around to re-set the house. For the more thorough stuff, I have a cleaner who comes every other week, and the night before she comes I panic tidy the entire house out of shame (and also because a tidy house is quicker and therefore cheaper to clean). She spends about 5 hours here, so I take that time to get on top of the laundry and change everyone’s sheets.

She is the only thing standing between us and complete chaos.

I have to say, the feeling of having the whole house both tidy AND clean, and then climbing into a fresh bed that night, is incredible.

@Pinko1

Or maybe her lazy husband could get off his arse and contribute to clearing the mess he contributes to making?
Radical, I know.

I wouldn't say my house isn't still a shithole, but it's so much better since I threw out most of my possessions. If it doesn't exist, it can't get in the way.

@Circularargument yes of course he should, but he isnt, and she isnt coping, so they would need to find an alternate way of managing it.

This is what I did

1 resign yourself to living like this until DCs are older - I did this for a couple of years. Once they start growing out of the big toy phase it gets better.

2 declutter - just start anywhere, toys not used, old clothes, take baby steps you will get there.

3 one battle at a time. I have chronic health issues and I use to cry trying to keep on top of it all and make myself sick, now I take one job at a time.

4 boxs, put stuff in them and then put them out of site, back of a room, when they have been touched for a while go through and get rid of stuff

5 paper table clothes and plates, just throw them straight in the bin and you have a clean table and no washing up. Yes it’s a waste but it helps keep on top of the mess and cleaning up when you’re overwhelmed. I also just use napkins as plates on pizza nights.

6 teach the little ones to clean from an early age. Mine are now 6, 9 & 11 and it’s a fight because I use to do it all for them, but they are getting better ( with bribery)

7 Pay for a deep clean - I did this and found it was far easier to get rid of stuff and pack things away after the cleaners had been through, I could see things clearer, all of a sudden there were empty boxs, broken toys I hadn’t seen before the clean. We now sacrifice other things so we can have a fortnightly clean otherwise I couldn’t cope. Our house gets less and less cluttered after each clean because I’m able to see things clearly.

8 try and have a child free room. My lounge is child free, they get shouted at if they leave even 1 thing in there, it’s my zen place. I don’t have a problem them being there but they aren’t allowed, toys, food or to take their shoes and socks off in there ( they leave them everywhere even though we have a shoe cabinet). I have a robo vac in this room that goes off at night and 95% of the time I can walk in to a clean tidy room. It’s taken a long time but they now get it and follow the rules. It makes the rest of the house being messy easier as I know at least one room I can relax in.

Only one child (by choice), a weekly cleaner for 4 hours and a ZT approach to interim mess. Men do tend to be lazier than women as they become so accustomed to women picking up
after them. This is ingrained early on and sometimes tolerated by wives and partners. I’m making a conscious effort with my 4YO to get him to pick up after himself but it’s hard.

I am still exhausted working FT in a cerebral job and trying to run a household.

Don’t clean for your in-laws. The day / a few hours before they arrive, get an emergency call from your family / close to say that someone is unwell / has had bad health news. Preferably someone who stays several hours away.

Take the baby and leave. It will be your husbands job to clean the house and care for the toddler and dog.

Come back once the in-laws are away. Later you can explain that the chest pain your grandfather had turned out to be indigestion.

Then have a very serious talk with your lazy husband.

How much do you love the dog? Does this vastly outweigh the amount of work the dog creates for you?

My kids are 3 and 6 and the house is still a mess 😭I'd like to know at what age it gets easier? I assume when they've grown out of toys?

I've decluttered my own stuff and the general house stuff to the bone but the house is still a mess. I can't declutter the toys too much as the kids love them and they all get played with. I clean and tidy the house while they are at school and within 24 hours it's back to square one.

Find the “tidy up rumba” song on You Tube and challenge your three year old to put their toys in the toy box before it’s finished. It should help a little bit if it’s a game you can do together.

I also have a 3yo, a 1yo, a dog, and a DH (not lazy, but works long hours). My house is chaos. I tidied this room 5 minutes ago. The kitchen hasn't been cleaned from lunch yet. Meanwhile, DS3 is in the toilet, so I can only assume it is going to be soaked when he finishes coating every surface in soapy water washing his hands..

The answer is having less stuff, but unless you want to be a minimalist or keep your kids out of the house all day every day, mess is just a part of life.

I'm pissed off no one warns you before getting your own house what a damn load of work it is once kids are involved tbh 😅

Like you OP there's just a mountain of stuff. It's not laziness or neglect, literally a single evening can turn our apartment from pristine to pig sty from all the stuff you have listed.

The only way we cope is by massively lowering our standards and constantly having blitzes. We are still working on a long term fool proof plan for never having clothes all over the place and we have boxes in every room to throw toys into.

I don't have children, but I think this picture is perfectly fine!

It's a happy living room with toys and activities for obviously much loved children.

I don't see the problem, I honestly don't. Please don't stress!

Oh and I do agree with decluttering. You have to be kind of ruthless. It's hard if you are sentimental but the peace it brings you is worth it.

So it’s his job to keep the house clean and tidy at all times ?

@savemytimezone It will be much worse later, this is just 5 minutes post tidy.

I no longer stress about the state of my house. The kids are fed (at least when DS3 chooses to eat), sheltered, happy, and loved. The rest is what it is!

@SnowflakeSparkles My husband has a strange attachment to items that we might need 'just in case'. He's always saying 'Oh but what if...' 🙄When we moved into this house he brought four boxes of comic books with him, they lived in the shed for three years until this summer when I finally made him sort through the ones he wanted to keep, sell or donate. Next job is to get him to tackle the stuff he brought from his dad's house that now lives in the loft 😩

Husband + rocket up backside.

Well, it definitely helps to have two people. DH and I do everything equally, both have our own tasks and have a tidy house. When I was pregnant, I had terrible morning sickness and could hardly do anything without being sick, so he did it all and it was immediately obvious how difficult it was for him, one person, to be trying to do two people's worth of tasks. He just about managed it but I felt terrible. Also felt really grateful I wasn't one of those women expected to do that shit on their own all the time.

Toy bins
Clothes sorted into own drawers
Always a tidy dining table and coffee table.
Always clean and tidy kitchen before bed.
Make beds before school. Sorting bins by each bedroom door to dump each person's clutter

Do it if you can. I wish I had with judgemental in-laws.

I agree with decluttering and having designated homes for all your belongings. Much easier to keep surfaces clear and clean when storage areas aren’t rammed full of stuff and people know where things belong.

Minimal Mom and Clutterbug on YouTube have some great tips.

Order a skip. Fill it.

Ask DH if he would prefer to be a grown up and support his wife or get into the skip with the rest of the stuff that is no longer needed or useful.

I have a 1 year old and a 3 month old who only naps if attached to a boob so my house is very much the same! I try to pick up as I go as best as I can so downstairs at least looks reasonable, and if most of the pots are washed by the end of the day then that's a bonus! 'Proper' cleaning waits until the weekend when DH is home and can take the kids out!