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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How is your house not a shithole?

340 replies

Give0fecks · 15/12/2023 10:16

Help me. I’m drowning. I just feel so overwhelmed by the never ending mess and clutter and shit everywhere. I spend HOURS everyday tidying and cannot get on top of it.

I have a 3yo and 1 yo, a dog, a lazy husband and we are all at home a lot. So 3 meals a day for the kids and I. Toys everywhere, plates/packets everywhere always on the kitchen sides. Colouring pens, scraps of fucking scribbles, play doh, Breadsticks under the table as the baby constantly lobs food everywhere. Clothes all over the floor upstairs, out of the drawers/ “floordrobe”.

I just cannot cope. It’s not like I leave it and it builds up, it’s just a tsunami wave of mess constantly and I cannot keep up. Everyday the dishwasher goes on, laundry in, kitchen sides/table cleaned, etc and it lasts 3 seconds and it’s like a bombs gone off again.

im not exaggerating that it’s actually causes me anxiety!

OP posts:
Lourdes12 · 15/12/2023 11:09

Also, for every new thing that comes into your house something has to leave your house to keep inventory levels manageable

BertieBotts · 15/12/2023 11:11

A few things that have helped me which stuck out from your post.

Packets etc all over the sides - are the bins going out before they are too full to put stuff in? If not, this needs to be a priority.

Dishwasher may need to go on twice a day if you're all at home eating all meals at home. And needs to be emptied ASAP so that things can go directly into it. This makes a huge difference.

Reducing amount of toys, and consolidating toys into similar themes helps hugely with the toys everywhere problem. This way if they want to play with the train track, the train track is out but they haven't had to hunt through 10 boxes of other crap (which is now on the floor) to find all the pieces. If they want to play with the stacking cups, they are all together and they actually work. Anything with parts that can get separated and doesn't work if it's separated, keep up high and they have to ask to get it down (Which prompts you/DH to say "Yes but let's clean up this toy first".

Some people do toy rotations, I don't get on with this but it can work really well if you're organised to do it. E.g. you don't need 12 wooden jigsaws. That means they all get mixed up and are impossible to do or keep clean. Keep three (or put 9 away and keep three out at a time).

If you have stuff on different scales (e.g. Matchbox cars and VTech Toot Toot cars) put one scale away at a time (or away for when they are older).

I got some of those stacking in-tray things and these now house:

Colouring books
Plain paper
Finished drawings (including scrap)

I go through the finished drawings every so often and stick some up on the walls and put some in a folder to keep and I recycle a lot of it because you don't need to keep every single scribble. Keep a sample with a date to see their progression. The stuff on the walls gets scrappy too so that can be recycled (don't put the absolute favourites on the walls unless you frame them).

Catza · 15/12/2023 11:13

How can your in laws judge you when their own son doesn't know how to keep the house clean?

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 15/12/2023 11:15

So I have a similar situation, 2 young kids and 2 cats. But luckily I have husband who contributes a lot to the running of the house without prompting. Having said that here are some things that have really helped me get on top of it:
-massive decluttering. I was inspired after watching marie kondo on Netflix
-have a running pile of stuff to take to charity shop. Mine is hidden behind a door and every time the kids grow out of something it goes into a bag behind the door
-a cleaner. She comes once a fortnight for 2 hours and does a full clean. Costs £50 a month and means we only have to keep on top of the tidying and surface stuff.
-dont go to bed until I have put a load of laundry on and set the dishwasher
-lower expectations and relax

AdoraBell · 15/12/2023 11:15

As others have suggested get the 3yr old to tidy their toys/bed/pjs/plate & cup.

With “D”H leaving clothes on the floor, if it’s not in the linen basket it doesn’t get washed. Dirty coffee cup on the side, next coffee in that cup.

In-laws being judgmental- MN Bingo- when they say X you get a point.

luckbealadytonight · 15/12/2023 11:15

The lazy DDog is the problem. Why are there still breadsticks on the floor? Unacceptable, he needs to pull his weight.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2023 11:16

nowordsforthis · 15/12/2023 10:33

What works for us:

  • Declutter regularly including any toys and clothes they have grown out of.
  • have good storage so everything has somewhere to go which is accessible for kids to take out and put away on own.
  • 5 min tidy up with toddler before bath time
  • clean up toys and junk after kids sleeping every evening
  • Robot vacuum runs nearly every day

If they've been doing colouring/craft that gets cleared up before more toys out. Put 'artwork' in a big box and clear it out when they've forgotten about it

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 15/12/2023 11:16

Get rid of the husband, and by extension the in-laws.

Honestly could not live with people so disrespectful of the work I put in.

I'm not tidy by any stretch but like you I'm always doing something and it's impossible to keep on top of.

I dropped ex-partner, and now have much less work to manage at home. Never been happier.

Twiglets1 · 15/12/2023 11:16

luckbealadytonight · 15/12/2023 11:15

The lazy DDog is the problem. Why are there still breadsticks on the floor? Unacceptable, he needs to pull his weight.

Lol - I had a Labrador and he would never have been so lazy about hoovering up breadsticks or anything else vaguely edible!

Pippa12 · 15/12/2023 11:16

When I need to get things done pronto- I get a basket (like one you’d empty your wet washing in out of the washer) and clear all the ‘shit’ into the basket. Clean the room- sort through the ‘shit’ when you have more time.

Get a shit basket for your husbands stuff too. Just keep putting everything he leaves for you in there, clothes clean and dirty. He can sort it himself when he has no boxers left

Surprising how much they hold, you don’t loose things as you know it’s in the shit basket, and when you can see the wood for the trees you can clean things better.

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 11:17

I agree with the op about too much stuff and also I would say good storage is a god send .
Your lazy husband needs to get off his arse and help as well.
You need to tackle one room at a time , throw out anything they don't really play with , get some cheap storage preferably with lids you can stack some in a corner or even put away in a unit like I have . IKEA , B&M are my go tos . I can hide it all away so it's not a eye sore.
Mine are older now but I go get it and I've had four kids lol . Sometimes it does get alot toys everywhere but long as they are fed and clean for most part you're doing a fab job and all by yourself..don't fall for Instagram perfect homes it's all fake they all get dirty/messy with children .

therealcookiemonster · 15/12/2023 11:17

are your babies safe? have they got their arms and legs? are they fed and warm?

then don't worry. no matter what you do, it will be messy until they grow up or you get a new husband

having said that, a few things that might slightly improve things.

  1. a cleaner/housekeeper if you can swing it
  2. Frank chat with your husband re you removing his appendages with scissors if he doesn't get his act together
  3. get more organised storage eg. drawer organisers/more drawers or shelves so you don't have to hunt through things to sort it
  4. stop doing your husbands chores eg. his laundry/ironing.

I have all the above and no husband or kids but sometimes my house is very messy.... so you have my sympathy

Eyesopenwideawake · 15/12/2023 11:18

Ohtobetwentytwo · 15/12/2023 10:53

If your in laws are coming this is 100% the time to sit on your arse and drink coffee. If your husband doesnt give a shit then neither do you. If he suddenly cares then he can clean. Let them judge. Revel in it. Fuck them

This, 100%. They are his parents so who gives a fuck what they think. Have fun with your kids and tell DH that if he wants to impress his parents then he knows what to do.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2023 11:18

Give0fecks · 15/12/2023 10:50

In laws coming tomorrow so trying to do a big clean now but they are just so fucking judgemental and critical and I feel sick of it all and just want to go and stay in a hotel.

Well as they brought up your husband they haven't really got a leg to stand on, have they?

Let them see what a mess he makes. Then they can tell him! And can help him clear up!

Does he have any good points?

Mumof118 · 15/12/2023 11:19

I work full time, but I had 1 child; no pets and a husband who I expect to take on 50% of the chores.

We have a big clean once a week and throughout the week DH is in charge of rubbish and recycling, as well as spraying over the bathrooms. I cook, sort the dishwasher, keep the kitchen in check and handle washing. DS has to vacuum and keep the carpets nice and keep any of his mess to his bedroom.

So our house is never dirty or messy and it’s always nice to come home from work knowing there’s no jobs to do.

Twenty years ago we had 2 cats and it was a nightmare, so no pets make a huge difference.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2023 11:19

Give0fecks · 15/12/2023 11:03

I’m still reading through the tips/ advice and will take on board.

te the DH problem. I don’t really know what else to do about it. He works but not many hours - between 20-36 a week (but full time wage) but he feels a maximum capacity. He is stressed, I am stressed. Being in the house with both kids we struggle to get anything done as it’s chaos. Sounds pathetic I know.

im not exaggerating when I say I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I never get a second without one of them, he doesn’t take the kids out hardly ever. But he feels he can’t do anymore?

Your life would be tidier, cleaner and less stressful without him

Feel free to point that out

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2023 11:20

Mumof118 · 15/12/2023 11:19

I work full time, but I had 1 child; no pets and a husband who I expect to take on 50% of the chores.

We have a big clean once a week and throughout the week DH is in charge of rubbish and recycling, as well as spraying over the bathrooms. I cook, sort the dishwasher, keep the kitchen in check and handle washing. DS has to vacuum and keep the carpets nice and keep any of his mess to his bedroom.

So our house is never dirty or messy and it’s always nice to come home from work knowing there’s no jobs to do.

Twenty years ago we had 2 cats and it was a nightmare, so no pets make a huge difference.

She needs to get rid of the husband

Pets bring joy. He doesn't

RaraRachael · 15/12/2023 11:21

My daughter's house is like this. I love to visit but I hate the clutter and not being able to find anywhere to sit. I think her problem is that they have too much stuff. Every wall and surface has stuff on it. The baby has hundreds of toys all over the place and the kitchen looks like a bomb has hit it.
I'd love to help tidy or clean but I don't want to be seen to be interfering.

Internationalpony · 15/12/2023 11:21

Throw out the lazy husband and your life (and house) will quickly improve!

Natty13 · 15/12/2023 11:22

Ohtobetwentytwo · 15/12/2023 10:53

If your in laws are coming this is 100% the time to sit on your arse and drink coffee. If your husband doesnt give a shit then neither do you. If he suddenly cares then he can clean. Let them judge. Revel in it. Fuck them

Completely agree.

I did it once (albeit our house is tidy because my husband isnt a pig) but with regards to preparing spare beds, fresh towels, planning and buying for the meal. I will bever forget the look on his face when he asked me at midday what was going to be for dinner and I played dumb "what do you mean?". Him then noticing all the other stuff that hadn't bothered to do and panicking. This was in the early days and he never did it again.

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 11:22

Oh and ignore the in-laws .. I had a MIL and she would eyeball my house all the time , caught her staring at one crumb on my carpet once and playdough that I couldn't get off the carpet before her majesty had arrived . Thank god I don't have to see her anymore ..long story lol.

Reesescheeses · 15/12/2023 11:23

Try being instructive with your husband. Yes you shouldn’t have to but is the alternative of doing it all yourself better. For example:

”you do bath and bedtime now, while I clean up downstairs”

”Take the kids out and do the supermarket shop while I do XYZ.”

Always give him the job that sounds ‘better’ to him so he feels like he’s getting a good deal.

Also, if you keep it consistent then he’ll eventually start doing things automatically (e.g Saturday mornings are when he does food shop with kids)

This does sound a bit crap that a grown man has to be told this. Let this be a warning to other posters to never marry a manchild,

therealcookiemonster · 15/12/2023 11:23

@Give0fecks just read your update re in laws. don't do a thing! if you can, make more mess! and when they arrive, smile sweetly and act as it it's not there. it will drive your dh mad.

RudsyFarmer · 15/12/2023 11:23

We have so many things now available for children. It’s an issue our parents didn’t have. I have a whole room dedicated to toys that the kids no longer play with, courtesy of my MIL and no time to list and sell. So my house looks a bloody mess until I’m able to take a step back and sort it. So I live with it.

RenegadeMrs · 15/12/2023 11:23

I have a 3 year old, a 6 year old and a husband who is not lazy, but works long hours and has been away with work for one month out of the last 6. It is hard.

What I have found helps is a ruthless culling of the mess. Reducing the amount of 'things' which clutter the house. Broken toy... bin it. Stained clothes that aren't clean after a wash... bin. Clothes too small... donate. Umpteen bits of 'artwork', keep the best, bin the rest.

You also need to make sure you've got somewhere to put the things, so cupboards need clearing out too.

The smaller the hoard of things, the less mess there is. The house still gets messy, as we are not minimalists, but it is much easier to tidy away.

Recommend putting on 'Sort your life out' with Stacy Soloman on bbe iplayer as inspiration!

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