AIBU to let my 7 year old walk to his friend's house alone

[welshweasel]

My 7 year old (8 next month) is desperate to be allowed to walk to his friend's house for a pre arranged play date. Friend lives less than 5 minutes walk away. There is one road to cross (20mph speed limit with pedestrian crossing that he knows how to use).

I'm keen to let him to do this but my friend was horrified that I might allow this. Am
I totally out of touch with what is reasonable?

I am also starting to see why the parking in my street at school pick up / drop off is such a fucking nightmare as children are not trusted to walk the length of themselves without close adult supervision until they are about 17.

In my village I'd be happy to do this too but I'm sure I'd be judged for it. Although a road big enough to have a pedestrian crossing is rarely a small road. Can you maybe take him over the road then let him walk on himself?

Ive sent my 7 year old to post something in the house round the corner from us without me. Its good for them to develop independence.

I would say no just because at that age they can't judge the speed of cars. Why not walk him to the road. Watch him cross ( and be there to talk him through it) and then he can carry on by himself and you return home?

Sounds fine to me.

Anxiety breeds anxiety. You’re not obliged to cater to other people’s anxiety or to limit yourself to what other people’s children are capable of.

If it feels right to you, do it.

As others suggest, watching him from a distance when he does it the first time to confirm you are happy with his judgements would be a good idea.

my DC were actually able to make safe judgements about even busy roads from the age of 6. They obviously never did it independently but at every road crossing we did from the age of 5 I said that one day they’d be crossing roads on their own and so as practice they needed to tell me when they thought we should go and I would say if they were right or wrong. They literally never made a mistake after 6. Would I have still let them go out alone at this age - no, but it meant when they hit 7/8ish I had real confidence that they were more than capable of crossing quiet roads.

Some of you are massively underestimating what you can teach your DC from a young age to keep them safer when they’re older with things like ‘the brain can’t judge speed until 9’

I'd probably leave it another 6 months or so , I don't drive so mine are used to walking everywhere and crossing roads from very young obviously with me there. I see some 11 year olds who are going up to secondary school who don't have a bloody clue because they've never really walked anywhere and certainly not alone

Because traffic is horrendous in the UK and if anything happens to the kid then the parents get the blame .

This sounds absolutely fine to me. My eldest starting walking around our town by herself at age 7 and she's thrived on the independence. Now aged 8, she often goes to school, the shop, the library, friends' houses by herself.

6/7 is the standard age for independent mobility where we live (which no, is not some traffic free utopia that's vastly different from the UK, it's just that there's a huge culture of safetyism in the UK).

My youngest is 6 and I wouldn't let him out alone yet but with his sister I would. He's on target to be mature enough at 7 I would say. At nearly 8, I think most children if the area's not too horrible should be able to walk short distances around their home independently.

Follow along at a distance the first time if you like. If you think he's ready you're probably right. Let him try, I bet he'll take it in his stride!

I’d b probably see him across the road and then him go.

saw a child walking to school alone this morning who was probably that age

No. Too young

The real question is whether you could live with yourself if the worst happened.

Can you say with a clear conscious that he was absolutely ready and the risk was worth it?

For me, at that age, the answer is no. At 18, obviously yes. It's for you to decide when the benefits outweigh the risks.

At 7, I dont see what benefits he gets by doing it alone. Certainly not enough to outweigh the risk.

I have a child this age and I wouldn't say this is appropriate at all and I'm generally pretty relaxed about these things

Before he does it on his own make sure he knows what you want him to do if the crossing isn’t working. I am guessing come home again for help.

They get a lot of benefits from it. It gives them self confidence and a feeling that they are capable and trusted. It gives them a little experience of taking responsibility for themselves which helps them mature.

When a child asks to do something because they feel that they can do it, and you tell them that they're wrong, they can't do it, that you think of them as incapable and you don't trust them, or that the world is too dangerous for them - that has consequences for their self esteem and mental wellbeing. So you'd better be damn sure you're right and that it really is something that they couldn't do. Fair play, sometimes it is necessary to do this, but sometimes people jump to saying no because of their own anxiety.

I was allowed to walk to the shops by myself at that age, most of the time I was fine, but I remember one time a car suddenly came around the corner as I was crossing the road and had to slam on its brakes, it stopped with my hand touching the bonnet. My instincts didn’t kick in and I froze.
I wouldn’t allow a child that age to walk alone.

I just couldnt risk it, anything could happen

And I say this as a child who was allowed to play out by at 6 + we used to go and play in the stream, in the cemetery. Someone used to have little fires near us and we would go and mess around with it, once my younger sister flicked it at my older sister and set her welly on fire 🙈🤦‍♀️

I had a really nice free childhood and I wish mine could have the same but they just cant. There are too many risks and its frightening

Absolutely fine. We need to stop babying our children. I am convinced a lot of the mental health issues in children are because we never allow them to do things independently that then build their self esteem and resilience.

DS1 is 9 at the end of this month. In September he starts middle school. He wants to walk to school with his friends. We think it's ok. He will cross the road at the crossing at the end of our street- lollipop lady there- and then there are no more roads. He can go two ways then, one passes a couple of shops in the village, or one cuts across a bridleway (full of other children going to school).
We are going to practise with him nearer the time. It feels like a big thing.

Now DH has mentioned 'Should he gave a phone?'

Sounds quite a positive thing to me and I'd go for it. Everyone's gotta make their own choices in this regard, but I think the over anxiety and a complete inability to encourage children to gradually build independence in this manner is a big part of the reason we see so many teens/young adults completely unable to cope with life. So the anxious parents may look down on you, but for me they're the ones causing harm.

Depends where you are. In my village, yes. My friend is a teacher in a big seaside town where they have no less than five van snatching incidents of children. Three never seen again. One fought them off. One returned later, much changed. Children between 8 and 10. She gave a school talk on how to escape. Of course not much done because this was a poor area and they were the children of people of low social and economic status. She knew two of them. This was pre COVID, but it made be realise why she was that cautious with her own child.

Exactly this. There are numerous benefits to giving children some degree of independence, and drawbacks to not doing so.

At what age would they have coping strategies without being in these situations on their own?

Has he got a phone or a watch he can contact you on?

I would allow this providing he had a watch or phone I could track.

I have a DD the exact same age who is very keen for this independence at the moment. She wants to be able to walk our dog round the block alone. It’s a quiet residential area, we live in a cul de sac and local streets are only served by residents, also 20mph.

I am saying no currently but mainly due to the fact my dog is big and I’m not confident she could control him if he did something unexpected.

However, I am confident that she’s close to being ready to manage this safely without the dog. She would have one road to cross, no crossing either, but roads are incredibly quiet. With a crossing I’d feel very confident. For a couple of months when she comes on a quick walk with me, we have been allowing her to go ahead and practice crossing herself with supervision. She’s very receptive to my teaching about how to choose where to cross, how to prep round a parked vehicle, how to manage looking both ways repeatedly etc.

What I’ve told her will convince me that she’s ready, is if I see her start to routinely be checking roads without my prompting, when we are out and about. I can see that’s not instinct yet, although I know if allowed to do this locally she would be applying herself. Hard to know when I will feel sure she’s ready, but I expect that in the next 6-12 months. Trust your own instincts about your child OP, you know them and what your local area is like. We are trying to raise capable young people and that has to start somewhere.

Has anyone mentioned the Japanese tv show where they deliberately give young children, some aged 4, errands to run? Eg walk to local bakery to buy some bread?
I live in Singapore - many busy roads!- but I trained my 7 year old nephew to cross roads safely and walk to the shops. I consider it a lifeskill and the chances of him being kidnapped are nil here. His mother drives him everywhere and has a tendency to coddle him.