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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that with one caveat, being a single parent is actually not necessarily much different to parenting in a couple?

116 replies

Sunglenim · 14/12/2023 19:07

Genuinely interested in opinions on this as I could be totally off the mark. And I suppose unless you’ve experienced both situations (a single parent and parenting in a couple), it’s hard to say maybe?

But my experience… I ALWAYS wanted the standard family set up. I was utterly devastated when my ex left me and my two month old. I could barely function I was so sad. However… by the time she was 6 months I was honestly thriving. I joined baby groups and spent a lot of time with other women with children and noticed that nearly always someone was upset or complaining about their partner/husband. I realised how lucky I was to go home to a quiet house where everything was on my timetable. I had nobody asking why I wasn’t eating dinner with them/why I hadn’t bought dinner/have to ask when they’d be back. Nobody to wake me up if I wanted an early night. Nobody else to consider basically. I never in my life thought I would feel lucky to be in the situation I found myself in but I genuinely was.

I do think the one caveat is money. Ex paid a chunk towards dd despite never actually providing any of her hands on care and does just the one off fun day every so often (yes he’s a gem isn’t he). It’s meant that I haven’t had to spend my income on her at all yet, even with nursery fees his contribution covers it. I’m aware that could change and that I will always live in a state of uncertainty on this to some extent, which is a downside but I suppose you could say that also about being in a couple?

Overall I honestly think on balance I am glad I’ve done the first few hard years with dd alone. I realise this is probably because I am not in love and don’t have someone loving me and caring for me which I am sure many people have. But I do also know my closest friend was married before her ds and blissfully happy. Since their ds things have become very strained. I feel grateful not to have gone through that. I know other men that still behave incredibly selfishly but because they do a night feed or get up with their child once a week they’re seen as a good one in comparison to others.

I genuinely think that broadly speaking women are better off just cracking on on their own timetable. But.. maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m yet to experience a proper decent relationship. I certainly won’t have another child unless I feel as sure as I can be that the man is a decent one. And at 36 it looks unlikely I will find someone in time for more dc…

OP posts:
SilverAntelope · 14/12/2023 19:11

You've just got one kid though. I will struggle with 2 as I hate the thought of dragging one to the others extra curricular activity particularly the young lively one who will not appreciate watching the older one have fun while he has to sit and be quiet with me. If I had my husband at home then I could leave him there and have some quality one to one time.

I'm glad it's worked out for you.

My husband never questioned my timetable.

Scarletttulips · 14/12/2023 19:11

I think there are pros and cons in ever set up.

DSis single parent had a lot of hands on help so she could work evenings. Grandparents sisters him his family -

I’m married and babysitters are rare!

Even on low wages we got no assistance yet she had gifted nursery care - so in someways ‘money’ isn’t always the issue.

I think my single friends mainly struggle with making the ‘right’ decisions, or if one needs an appointment they all have to go.

Parenting is hard!!

There will never be a perfect set up!

TreesWelliesKnees · 14/12/2023 19:13

This definitely isn't my experience. But then my late DH was an equal partner at home, and we had three kids. It was much, much easier and better when he was around. But if you have a useless fuckwit for a partner then yes, you're probably better going it alone. Every circumstance is different though.

Original poster
Sunglenim · 14/12/2023 19:15

@SilverAntelope thats a good point. It would be a different thing with more than one and I think that’s why im very hesitant about doing it again as I just don’t have faith in men anymore sadly!

OP posts:
Wishthiswasntmypost · 14/12/2023 19:21

Attending hospital very sick with small children and no childcare...not great. No money because no maintenance and a mortgage on my own....working full-time and juggling childcare, work and doing up a wreck of a house. I just didn't have enough of me to provide for 3 children and a tough job.

DrearyDearyMe · 14/12/2023 19:21

Pros and cons of both, circumstances really make a difference too

Single mum with an ex who co parents and has a good support system of family and friends..... I imagine it's a very easy life

Single mum with no dad on the scene, no support system of family and friends...... could be utterly draining

Single mum with no dad on the scene, a healthy support system of family and friends.... again, imagine its easier than other situations

All circumstantial

Torganer · 14/12/2023 19:23

Not mine or my friends experience. Obviously this is just my experience, but we all work full time (men and women), and all do equal childcare etc. I don’t think I could have coped without my husband, well I could have, but wouldn’t have been an enjoyable experience for me. Our child calls out equally at night for both of us - more daddy tbh. We are respectful of each other and our jobs, one doesn’t take precedent, we look at individual meetings and their importance and my husband tends to do more drop off and pick ups due to this. I really love our family unit and how we’ve made it work.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 14/12/2023 19:27

Lone parent here of one child. That child has both ASD and SLD. On medication for sleep that hardly ever works. Only break is when child is in school. Child's DF pays fuck all and probably never will because they let him away with it.

No. I don't think it's the same at all. Or similar. Or better. Frankly, it offends me when people suggest it.

Maryamlouise · 14/12/2023 19:27

Wasn't a single parent but DP worked away for months at a time when baby was small and I didn't find it as hard as everyone else seemed to think it must be. Bit I found hardest was actually the sharing the good bits, as in isn't amazing that baby did xyz that nobody other than their partners will ever care about. Not quite the same over messaging and calls

Whataretheodds · 14/12/2023 19:28

I haven’t had to spend my income on her at all yet, even with nursery fees his contribution covers it

Pretty massive caveat

Blinkityblonk · 14/12/2023 19:28

It is much easier parenting two children between a couple. I'm now a single patent and the first year was awful. Mine are teens though and I found the loneliness of taking every decision, and being on the receiving end if all teen behaviour awful. Plus taxi services for one parent with two teens are twice as much, plus working full time. All the responsibilities of being the lone earner in the family, all the responsibility if one child gets sick, needs hospital treatment, and i have family support. Nope, it's not easier IMO.

tiggergoesbounce · 14/12/2023 19:29

My friend is in a very similar situation (it could be you 🤣). She spilt with her ex when DD was 2.5 months, and she is miles better without him.
He pays well over in maintenance so she is ok financially, there is obviously uncertainty in that, as in if that payment reduces her lifestyle will change accordingly, but there is potentially that if one in a partner looses a needed income.

She only has to consider her and her DD, she doesn't have to compromise on anything, her house rules are the rules, she raises her DD how she wants, she doesn't have to worry about being on the same page.
It really annoys her when people try to feel sorry for her single parent life. She understands its not the same for everyone, but she is loving life now and doesn't need anyones pitty.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 14/12/2023 19:31

TreesWelliesKnees · 14/12/2023 19:13

This definitely isn't my experience. But then my late DH was an equal partner at home, and we had three kids. It was much, much easier and better when he was around. But if you have a useless fuckwit for a partner then yes, you're probably better going it alone. Every circumstance is different though.

Agree with this. I haven’t experienced single parenthood and I hope I never do. My DH is an equal parent to our children and we take equal responsibility for all things parenting.

It sounds like your ex is a useless waste of space though so probably much easier for you for him not to be around.

PuttingDownRoots · 14/12/2023 19:32

I'm in the middle... DH in the army, away during the week (or longer). So I have the logistics of being by myself with 2 kids, but with the moral and financial support of being married.

The constantly splitting myself in two is exhausting. Permanently guilty that I'm neglecting one while doing something with the other. (They are 10&12, so not little now but need the Mum Taxi). Add in work, household stuff, not to mention my complete lack of social life.

I admire si gle myms doing it all 7 days a week not 5!

Blinkityblonk · 14/12/2023 19:32

If you are financially supported to be a single parent, I agree it might not be so bad. Part of my stress is being the single wage earner, sending two kids to uni off that one wage, getting sick but having no choice but to work f/t. It is nice to run your own household as you see fit though.

Original poster
Sunglenim · 14/12/2023 19:33

@Torganer that’s wonderful, I can only dream of finding a partner like that and building that sort of life, it sounds lovely.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 14/12/2023 19:33

I agree, OP.

I've been both married parent and a single parent. Much preferred being a single parent. Loved it in fact.

I have two children.

ChocAuVin · 14/12/2023 19:34

Personally found being a single parent much easier but that’s because my ex made it my role to do everything for him and was vile a lot of the time.

Think it depends on that point but my experience matches yours OP.

Original poster
Sunglenim · 14/12/2023 19:35

@GreyCarpet i was so surprised at how much I enjoyed it. I just did whatever I wanted and still do really. I’ve had moments I’ve felt low or felt like ‘omg why isn’t someone here to help’ but honestly they’ve been rare. I think the absence of someone to shout at or blame when things get tough has actually been a plus for me!

OP posts:
Brexile · 14/12/2023 19:35

Money was the big one - but weren't you also judged, disrespected, and left out of most of what the married mums organised? I was.

Not an issue any more now that the DC are teens and twenties, and half the smug marrieds are probably divorced.

Poudretteite · 14/12/2023 19:35

Being a single parent is better than being with a crap partner and harder than being with a good partner.

Darkenergy · 14/12/2023 19:35

Same as @TreesWelliesKnees , I'm widowed but my partner was great. It's not so much the practicalities for me as having someone to share the highs and lows with. Making every decision and shouldering every worry solo is what I've found hard, as well as not having someone to share my pride in her. In some ways it's got harder as she's got older.

Original poster
Sunglenim · 14/12/2023 19:36

@ChocAuVin yep my ex was very entitled and if he’d stayed (and I begged him to, embarrassingly), then I wouldn’t have had much practical support anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunglenim · 14/12/2023 19:37

@Brexile i haven’t experienced that or haven’t noticed… that sounds horrible though! No idea why you’d judge a single mother but then women are judged for everything I suppose

OP posts:
goodkidsmaadhouse · 14/12/2023 19:38

For me the other caveat besides money is just that level of emotional support. DH has worked away a lot over the years but if I’m stressed about something to do with one of the kids I can always call him up at some point and chat it through. I do have really close friends but I just wouldn’t want to bother them in the same way! I don’t have parents and if you do maybe they fill that role.

Also agree that it depends on how many kids you have! When we just had one I did find it easier practically in ways when DH was away. Now we have 3 I’m exhausted by the time he gets back! It’s also more tiring for the kids as they have to get dragged around to each other’s activities more, tonight my younger two are having to stay up til 9pm to pick their sister up from her sport. They’ll be shattered tomorrow morning.