To think that with one caveat, being a single parent is actually not necessarily much different to parenting in a couple?

[Sunglenim]

Genuinely interested in opinions on this as I could be totally off the mark. And I suppose unless you’ve experienced both situations (a single parent and parenting in a couple), it’s hard to say maybe?

But my experience… I ALWAYS wanted the standard family set up. I was utterly devastated when my ex left me and my two month old. I could barely function I was so sad. However… by the time she was 6 months I was honestly thriving. I joined baby groups and spent a lot of time with other women with children and noticed that nearly always someone was upset or complaining about their partner/husband. I realised how lucky I was to go home to a quiet house where everything was on my timetable. I had nobody asking why I wasn’t eating dinner with them/why I hadn’t bought dinner/have to ask when they’d be back. Nobody to wake me up if I wanted an early night. Nobody else to consider basically. I never in my life thought I would feel lucky to be in the situation I found myself in but I genuinely was.

I do think the one caveat is money. Ex paid a chunk towards dd despite never actually providing any of her hands on care and does just the one off fun day every so often (yes he’s a gem isn’t he). It’s meant that I haven’t had to spend my income on her at all yet, even with nursery fees his contribution covers it. I’m aware that could change and that I will always live in a state of uncertainty on this to some extent, which is a downside but I suppose you could say that also about being in a couple?

Overall I honestly think on balance I am glad I’ve done the first few hard years with dd alone. I realise this is probably because I am not in love and don’t have someone loving me and caring for me which I am sure many people have. But I do also know my closest friend was married before her ds and blissfully happy. Since their ds things have become very strained. I feel grateful not to have gone through that. I know other men that still behave incredibly selfishly but because they do a night feed or get up with their child once a week they’re seen as a good one in comparison to others.

I genuinely think that broadly speaking women are better off just cracking on on their own timetable. But.. maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m yet to experience a proper decent relationship. I certainly won’t have another child unless I feel as sure as I can be that the man is a decent one. And at 36 it looks unlikely I will find someone in time for more dc…

I’m a single parent to a 1 and 3 year old with very limited support from their dad. There are things I like about it - I’m generally pretty happy - but practically it is completely different to being with a supportive partner (which mine wasn’t particularly). I’m utterly exhausted after only 1.5 years of it. You’re one person doing the work which two people might struggle with.

It’s mostly that I simply don’t have time to do everything I need to. And also that you have to keep going through everything- my worst experiences as a single parent have been baby, toddler and me all having norovirus and a day where I had a car accident and had to sort out all the logistics of that and get a replacement car etc. whilst really shaky and looking after children.

I’m lucky in that money isn’t a huge concern for me as I have quite a high paying career but the flip side is working a lot to catch up when children are in bed. Money is often a huge issue for single parents though and must make parenting so much harder even in small ways like not being able to go to paid activities or paying for extra childcare or help.

I think one child would be much more manageable. I’ve felt a lot of guilt around not being able to meet both my children’s needs or wants simultaneously. For example, I can’t take both mine swimming and a lot of experiences are a bit compromised unless I can find someone to come along with us. I only manage bedtime by distracting 3 year old with tv. I delayed taking the baby to a&e once because it would have involved getting 2 year old up and having them both there with me for hours. Equally nearby family willing to help in an emergency would make a big difference.

I have definitely found it easier parenting my two solo than it was with my needy, narcissistic, abusive ex. And also better financially since said ex didn't work or do childcare or cook or clean.

I expect my mum would say the same as her ex was a violent cheating alcoholic.

But I look at my friends who are in decent relationships and see what a difference that makes. Mutual support, money and time. The time to do things like help with housework, go out at the weekend because you got the chores done in the week, time to actually down tools when you're ill. And money to have a car, holidays etc.

I'm happy being single and my kids are doing great. But resources do matter and two parents generally have more to give than one.

Over the past 17 years, I've parented as a completely lone parent (with no input in anyway from the other parent), living with a co-parent and as a single parent with shared custody 50/50. They are all vastly different, completely disparate experiences. My personal favourite is 50/50 shared custody but there are pros and cons to all of them but they are very very different.

There are a lot of other factors involved that affect all the experiences so I can't claim to speak to everyone- money, support network, childcare, careers, mental health, ages and temperaments of the children, additional needs, health etc.

I hate the thought of dragging one to the others extra curricular activity particularly the young lively one who will not appreciate watching the older one have fun while he has to sit and be quiet with me. If I had my husband at home then I could leave him there and have some quality one to one time.

Even in a couple this happens loads, usually if one parent is taking kids to things after school, the other parent is at work.

My DCs both have SEN that mean school, nursery and babysitters are not options. Without DH I'd never, ever get a break. No buying bras without entertaining kids in the fitting rooms, no nights out with friends (though I'm only averaging one per five years), no quiet cuppa in a cafe for an hour.

If my kids were neurotypical I'd be better off single. Financially too.

I am a single parent to one child and have also found it to be a really positive experience. There is a lovely dynamic to one parent-one child. The only thing I would say is that as I have got older (late 40s now), I can really see the difference in my standard of living to people who are in couples. (I don't get any money from DC's dad.) But it's worth it for me for the quality of life that doing my own thing provides. A lot of women I know are in relationships with grumpy men who don't pull their weight and I thank my lucky stars that that's not me.

Do you have any family support @Sunglenim ?

Single parenting seems very hard to me. I was raised by a single parent who had no family support and I think the biggest problem was that she had nobody to share the emotional load with, and there was nobody around to notice if she was making parenting mistakes. Just small things, like when my DB broke his fingers and it went unnoticed for nearly a week because she thought he was being a wimp. She was always constantly angry and stressed, and lashed out at us frequently but there was nobody who noticed who could tell her that she was damaging us.

I think we all need a second person to keep our behaviour in check.

No. I don't think it's the same at all. Or similar. Or better. Frankly, it offends me when people suggest it.
Agree. Ridiculous thread, op.

I've experienced both...

My single parenting was on the extreme side, I had a 2 year old and 4 year old, the dad disappeared off with the army and my family were useless so I live 300 miles from them. I had no help, I was a single parent, single person, no car, no home, no job... it was HARD! Carrying shopping with two kids in tow, fitting what I could in the pushchair, begging and crying on estate agents floors that I would pay rent if they would please rent to me (always discriminated against for being on benefits). I cuddled my children and cried on the floor of council offices for a home - all they would do is say to private rent, but no one would rent to me... it was HARD!

Then, when my youngest started school, I had time. Time to get a job and time to date!
Because of this, I am now married with a 3rd child, we live in a million pound house mortgage free, we have a property business giving us a nice income, we have a couple of cars, my husband and I do school runs every day together. Life is not as hard as it used to be..

(To add, we built this life together after making good business investments and I had saved money from my job).

The young girl with two kids who was discriminated against by the estate agents is now the woman they call when they want some commission from a house they try to sell me!

I don't use estate agents. I sell my houses myself and I ask owners directly. I will never use an estate agent again after what I went through as a young mum.....

It was incredibly hard and difficult being a single parent for me. As oppose to having someone now.

No but then you have one child. I have 4 and no it isn’t easier. Makes me laugh when people say it is. I’ve not had a night away from mine in 6 years and I’m at breaking point.

@muggart this is something I often wonder… I always hope I’m doing my best but without someone there a lot of the time, there’s nobody to call me out. I do have a lot of friends and family around me but that’s not the same as having someone in the same house all the time. It’s an interesting point and I do try and question myself as much as possible, I suppose there’s not much more I can do.

@StarlightLime ridiculous because you don’t agree with it? I am simply sharing my experience, as I said I have no comparison with couple parenting and would like to experience that. Not sure how that makes this a ridiculous thread!

@muggart I think the difference nowadays is that if I am unsure of anything I'll come on here or look at other areas of the internet for the answers. I'm not completely on my own as single mothers in the 90s, 80s and before were. That's not to say every parent does that and perhaps your mum wouldn't have used the resource had she had it back then but perhaps she would have and would have had others to sense check decisions with

@talkingteapots so so nice to read that you have ended up in such a wonderful position. And you sound lovely too.

This is so true. You can’t have any jobs that you hate / can’t do. I’ve taught myself to do a lot of diy which I couldn’t do before but it takes me ages. My ex was pretty useless but would move heavy stuff around and do a bit of diy etc. I spent last night fixing my hoover which is the sort of random job he might have done. I’m impressed by the tent - haven’t attempted that yet.

It seems like your title is saying that it's not much different and then your post is saying how much better (and different) it is than if you had stayed with your ex

Not to say that either situation is harder/easier/better/worse but it is different

@Silverbirch7 4 in jan. I agree that’s an area I worry about. I’d have to be very very sure about someone and I can’t imagine feeling that way.

I can see your post is true to your experience but I feel it’s a little misleading to say that having enough money is just one caveat: In another thread about ‘what’s the one thing that made your life easier as a parent’, the thing that came up most I thought was ‘having enough money/being well-off!’ and the widespread benefits it brings.
I think most single parents don’t have the cushion you have.
and I echo another pp that parenting alone without any co-parenting from an ex is quite different! Some people don’t have anyone on hand to help out when they’re ill or run-ragged….. or (perhaps) to babysit so they can also go out without babysitting costs. (Not sure where u are on this tho - you might be similar).

Isn't that really just saying being in a bad relationship is like being single?

Because in a good relationship you work as a team. You are there to support each other, give each other a break, care about each other. You've got someone who will listen to you and who you are always there to listen to as well. You're not alone. It's not all on you. You've got someone who has your back.

I was quite happy and thriving when it was just me and DS (ex was away most of the time), it was far easier than having a fairly nasty partner in the house. I really enjoyed it and we were happy. It's what made me realise I'm needed to leave my ex!!

It was largely ok when it was me and two young DC, but very definitely exhausting.

The time when it's really tricky as a single parent is when the child is ill or you are ill.

ps I’m a single parent and my experience is different to yours. I find it tough when some coupled folks say to me that I’m lucky to be on my own and not have an annoying/unreliable partner like theirs etc… and at least I can rely on myself…. Meanwhile their lifestyle and regular evening hobbies are facilitated by their partner and not available to me.
So I probably have a vested interest in a more nuanced understanding of the variety of single experiences being out there…..

It's definitely easier to be on your own with a totally uninvolved ex, or an ex that is a bit annoying but basically trustworthy and who actually looks after the child sometimes, than it is to be in an unsupportive or particularly an abusive relationship. I totally understand what you mean. It's peaceful and nice not having to deal with someone else's bullshit.

And there's a horrible in between limbo as well which is when you've split from an abusive/vindictive/hair raisingly untrustworthy ex and you have to deal with all the fallout from them coming and going, turning up when they like, devastating the child, not knowing if your child is safe when with them, having to deal with abuse at handovers or them using the child against you, winding them up from Disney parenting, you just about get them calm from this and then it's time for contact again etc. That's not as bad as actually being in the relationship but it's shit and extremely stressful.

But I think YABU to say that single parenthood is just like being in a couple. It's nothing at all like it. Being in a supportive relationship is tons easier. It's just SO much easier and nicer. Someone to get excited about tiny little milestones with you. Someone to do the washing up when you're knackered. Someone to be around and give you a break so that you're not doing constant groundhog day up at 6 every day doing the same inane toddler crap every day tied to pick up every day having to make dinner for small humans 3-4 times a day and then get up all night and do it all again tomorrow. That's really hard when it's all on you. It's really hard being the one who has to cover all the illnesses and the appointments and the school holidays on your own. And money isn't a small thing either, it's basically THE thing that causes the statistically lower outcomes for children from single parent households.

I took my kids camping this summer and putting up a tent alone was hell. @CapturedLeprechaun

We used to go camping as children and it never occurred to me how hard this must have been for my mum. I will remember to thank her when I speak to her next week.

I do remember every year she'd somehow carry / drag a massive Christmas tree out of the car, up the steps, through the front door and into the living room, all by herself (ok, we'd try to help but realistically we were no help whatsoever). To this day I'm not sure how she managed it!

I have 3dc and being single isn’t practically any more difficult than being with their dad, he was never at home when they were awake anyway. The thing that is more difficult is that he now has them eow so actually spends more time with them now than ever before and we have very different parenting styles (his parenting style is very much akin to letting an 8 year old with a driving licence and some cash look after your kids for a weekend- lots of fun but no sleep, proper food or tooth brushing), whereas before the kids had just me parenting them and we all knew where we stood with rules and behaviour.

I do get eow to myself to do what ever I want which I’m not ashamed to say I absolutely love after 12 years of literally never spending a day away from my kids.

Money is definitely harder and knowing that as a single parent with 3 dependants I will never be able to buy a home for us which has been my dream for a long time, I’ve found it hard to accept we will always be renting now.

This is a very good point!