To think that with one caveat, being a single parent is actually not necessarily much different to parenting in a couple?

[Sunglenim]

Genuinely interested in opinions on this as I could be totally off the mark. And I suppose unless you’ve experienced both situations (a single parent and parenting in a couple), it’s hard to say maybe?

But my experience… I ALWAYS wanted the standard family set up. I was utterly devastated when my ex left me and my two month old. I could barely function I was so sad. However… by the time she was 6 months I was honestly thriving. I joined baby groups and spent a lot of time with other women with children and noticed that nearly always someone was upset or complaining about their partner/husband. I realised how lucky I was to go home to a quiet house where everything was on my timetable. I had nobody asking why I wasn’t eating dinner with them/why I hadn’t bought dinner/have to ask when they’d be back. Nobody to wake me up if I wanted an early night. Nobody else to consider basically. I never in my life thought I would feel lucky to be in the situation I found myself in but I genuinely was.

I do think the one caveat is money. Ex paid a chunk towards dd despite never actually providing any of her hands on care and does just the one off fun day every so often (yes he’s a gem isn’t he). It’s meant that I haven’t had to spend my income on her at all yet, even with nursery fees his contribution covers it. I’m aware that could change and that I will always live in a state of uncertainty on this to some extent, which is a downside but I suppose you could say that also about being in a couple?

Overall I honestly think on balance I am glad I’ve done the first few hard years with dd alone. I realise this is probably because I am not in love and don’t have someone loving me and caring for me which I am sure many people have. But I do also know my closest friend was married before her ds and blissfully happy. Since their ds things have become very strained. I feel grateful not to have gone through that. I know other men that still behave incredibly selfishly but because they do a night feed or get up with their child once a week they’re seen as a good one in comparison to others.

I genuinely think that broadly speaking women are better off just cracking on on their own timetable. But.. maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m yet to experience a proper decent relationship. I certainly won’t have another child unless I feel as sure as I can be that the man is a decent one. And at 36 it looks unlikely I will find someone in time for more dc…

Sure it's easier if your husband is crap. But money is one huge caveat, and as mentioned you have one child.
My husband was wonderful - loyal and generous to a fault. He didn't help with much hands on child rearing, but he worked 12 hour days and was away a lot. He did provide well, and we had a cleaner etc. We had a lovely big house.
Anyway, he died suddenly when my kids were still in primary. And I can tell you raising my two kids (now 18 and 20) without his support and guidance has been the hardest thing ever.
So yes, an awful husband is not worth it, but a good one is a godsend.

Not with a decent man..

I would really struggle..
My DH takes over when hes home for work so i can shower, eat ect if im struggling he helps so i can rest. He helps with keeping the house clean and tidy. Financially would be so hard aswell.

I often think how hard it is for single parents and wonder how the hell they cope esp if they are doing it all whilst working.

I would snap if i never got a chance to sleep at all.

It would be different if you had a rubbish partner who added to the burden.

Down to the kind of man in your life. My dh is an equal partner, has been from the get go, didn't change after dc1. Had he then I wouldn't have been daft enough to have 2 further children but some women do (variety of reasons, appreciate it's complex) It's easier when he is home as he shares the mental and physical load. He compressed his hours to have dd2 si we don't need childcare, has always been the one with the more flexible job and was wfh 2 days a week to do nursery picknups and drop offs well before covid.

Everyone has different experiences. Bil is a hands off dad, earns lots of money but doesn't do nappies or feed bottles. He plays with his kids but tends not to be home to put them to bed or give a bath. Sil is a sahm, has her routine and it matters very little if he is there or not. She's happyish with her set up, occasionally resents it but he shows his appreciation financially. Each to their own.

My daughter is a single parent to a lovely teenage son and, even with all the family support we can give her, has found it tough. She has a good professional job but has swerved promotions and transfers due to lack of flexibility and the extra travelling time and she lies awake at night worrying about what would happen to him if anything happened to her. The toddler years were hard but every corner turned brings her a new anxiety. Please don't take it on without imagining your future.

I do agree with you in lots of ways. It’s fairly dependant on the other parent contributing financially or time wise though. I have multiple dc, ex is pretty good at paying his half and having them half the time. I have my own space, can work outside school hours without relying on childcare. We can split dc sick days.

If the other parent is feckless though I think lone parenthood is a pretty difficult burden. Especially if you have more than one dc or once they are in childcare/ school and you are juggling with a f/t job.

Money is a massive caveat though, that's the biggest issue for me, I've had very little financial or other support from XP and having to work and look after DD has left me with very little time to do anything ever for myself. While DD herself thinks that we have a stronger relationship because I was a lone parent, she has missed out on some of the things that other kids have because of lack of money, and we were often not invited to things when her friends got together whose parents were all in couples. It was better than being in a relationship with her unstable father, but I would much rather have been in a supportive, loving relationship. Even though I had lots of friends, there was lots of time I spent alone after DD had gone to bed, or at weekends where I couldn't afford to travel to see my old friends, but all my local friends were doing family things.

I wasn’t a single parent, however DH was in the military spent months away at a time. I lived hours away from family with a disability, 2 kids, a job and I was doing a college course at times. It was hard. Really, really hard and it gave me huge respect for single parents, although it was still easier for me because it was only ever temporary.

At one point I had both children in 2 different hospitals, 30 miles apart. Thank god for my best friend but the guilt was horrendous and wouldn’t have been there if DH had been at home. The children didn’t get to do everything they would have normally done, because I physically couldn’t be in 2 places at once.

It wasn’t just that, though, it was always coming home to an empty house. Never having someone to make me a cup of tea, or say to me to have a lie in or just be some company at the end of a long day. I think it’s so, so much harder for single parents tbh and don’t think your experience is typical.

My ex had an affair when dd1 was 3 months old . We split up and I became a single parent. I absolutely hated it , I was the only one in our friendship group who wasn’t in a couple , I had to make every medical decision etc on my own , I often spent the whole weekend on my own with a toddler .

I've never been a single parent but I know I wouldn't cope with it at all well.

I would feel so let down and stressed the whole time that I wouldn't be able to be as good a mum as I am now.

My kids are teenagers now and I wouldn't want to be doing it alone.

OP with respect you don't understand the financial burden then of being a lone parent.

I've been a lone parent for 14 years with no support or contact from the ex.

I've carried the full financial burden on my own. In one respect I'm lucky as I have a good career but it's meant I've had to have a live in nanny for 10 years then part time board my DD14 so I can keep the career to pay for everything else.

You basically have no pressure.

I'd definitely rather be on my own sure, but it is not easy at all.

You've said it's 'not much different' when what you mean is 'can be better'. I don't disagree that parenting on my own was better than with a useless husband but it's completely different to being in a couple.

@Dacadactyl the teenage years have definitely been the hardest as a single parent. I'd love someone to say "get yourself to bed, I'll pick the kids up later" or "don't speak to your mother like that".

I don't think that people should be offended if some people find single parenting easier. It all depends on so many factors, the overall health of the child or children, how many there are, the health and energy levels of the parent, the shittiness of the absent parent, the help of family members or friends, the flexibility of the job, et cetera. In a relatively healthy situation being a couple would be easier, but some people might experience that doing it alone is easier because their previous situation was even more shit. That's not offensive, that's just their reality.

Impossible to generalise. Personally, coming out of a terrible marriage to a man with mental health issues and a drinking problem who did sod all in the house, I found being a single parent to one healthy child a vast improvement on being married. In every single way: I was able to get far more done with less disruption, I was happier, my child was easier to look after I even had more money because it wasn't being leached away by someone else. I loved being a single parent. The only downside of it was that finding childcare was hard.

If I'd been happily married to a very solvent and capable man who pulled his weight and had three kids to support and care for it would have been a very different story.

It depends on so many factors: how many children you have, what your relationship with your spouse is like and how supportive they are, how much money you have etc.

I wouldn't have gone back to parenting in a marriage for all the tea in China but if my marriage had been better in the first place I'd have seen it through a different lens.

@jeaux90 sorry I wasn’t referring to lone parents, I totally understand that’s another ball game completely

Kindly, you have one child and a shitty ex.

I've had kids with two men... my first partner sadly died but he was a dad to our kids.

My husband now is also a dad to our kids... biological and step.

I was obviously a single parent in-between (for about five years).

It is much, much easier having kids with a partner. It's just a shame yours was rubbish... too many are. But a decent partner? Hands-down easier.