To think that with one caveat, being a single parent is actually not necessarily much different to parenting in a couple?

[Sunglenim]

Genuinely interested in opinions on this as I could be totally off the mark. And I suppose unless you’ve experienced both situations (a single parent and parenting in a couple), it’s hard to say maybe?

But my experience… I ALWAYS wanted the standard family set up. I was utterly devastated when my ex left me and my two month old. I could barely function I was so sad. However… by the time she was 6 months I was honestly thriving. I joined baby groups and spent a lot of time with other women with children and noticed that nearly always someone was upset or complaining about their partner/husband. I realised how lucky I was to go home to a quiet house where everything was on my timetable. I had nobody asking why I wasn’t eating dinner with them/why I hadn’t bought dinner/have to ask when they’d be back. Nobody to wake me up if I wanted an early night. Nobody else to consider basically. I never in my life thought I would feel lucky to be in the situation I found myself in but I genuinely was.

I do think the one caveat is money. Ex paid a chunk towards dd despite never actually providing any of her hands on care and does just the one off fun day every so often (yes he’s a gem isn’t he). It’s meant that I haven’t had to spend my income on her at all yet, even with nursery fees his contribution covers it. I’m aware that could change and that I will always live in a state of uncertainty on this to some extent, which is a downside but I suppose you could say that also about being in a couple?

Overall I honestly think on balance I am glad I’ve done the first few hard years with dd alone. I realise this is probably because I am not in love and don’t have someone loving me and caring for me which I am sure many people have. But I do also know my closest friend was married before her ds and blissfully happy. Since their ds things have become very strained. I feel grateful not to have gone through that. I know other men that still behave incredibly selfishly but because they do a night feed or get up with their child once a week they’re seen as a good one in comparison to others.

I genuinely think that broadly speaking women are better off just cracking on on their own timetable. But.. maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m yet to experience a proper decent relationship. I certainly won’t have another child unless I feel as sure as I can be that the man is a decent one. And at 36 it looks unlikely I will find someone in time for more dc…

I’m glad that you’re happy with your circumstances but having a decent DH has far more worth to the family unit than just financial.

My life is much easier for having DH in it.

YABU. I was raised by a single mom where what I’d call my sperm donor didn’t contribute anything including financially. She had to work, taking time off when I was sick and not be able to advance as she had no education beyond high school and had to take whatever job just to pay bills.
my grandparents helped a lot but still was very tough and even me as a child could see it. I pretty much had to raise myself after certain not very old age as all she could do is work and come home knackered and rest for the next day of work

You don't say how old your child is but it's not just about out single parenting whilst they are little, these things are impactful for life.

If you meet a new partner then you are then into stepparent territory which comes with own issues 🤷‍♀️

There should be a huge difference and parenting in a couple should be far easier. But ime it wasn't and it was easier to be a single mum of two working full time than in a couple, and I think that is probably true in a lot of cases sadly.

I agree op, in some ways it's easier not being in a couple

I have two dc and honestly I agree, it's so much easier with just me. I can make the decisions with only having to consider my dc, the house is cleaner, quieter and happier.

I have a reasonably good job, childcare is expensive but it's not forever.

I think you just need a good support structure in place, be it friends, professional childcare or family. I'm amazed both mine are older teens now, my ex left when they were 2 and 5. They are pretty self sufficient now so no more childcare to pay for. Both are happy individuals and I enjoy spending time with them

You've got one child with a man that sounds like he's paying a decent amount and who isn't interested in much contact time so you have it 99.9% your way all the time and doesn't sound like you are scraping by financially

That's not the experience of most single mums whose ex partner/husband pays a paltry amount and/or pursues a 50/50 split 🤔 so they miss out on half their children's lives not to mention the complications of second and blended families etc

I think you have a very rose tinted view of single motherhood

I have done both. I like being the decision maker, deciding financial priorities to suit me. Less money can be an issue. The big difference in my experience comes when handling teens. Two is better every single time. My ex does physically come to the house to do the united front discipline - the only kind that is truly effective for my child.

It depends on who you're parenting with. I raised one dc as a single parent completely on my own and it was hard work doing all the physical work, though it was years ago when single parents weren't pressured to look for work so I could focus on being a parent. I definitely dropped the ball at times and found it a struggle to keep up with the demands of parenting beyond the basics. But I did enjoy it and loved doing days out and holidays.

I got married and had 2 more dc with my DH which has been far easier. DH comes home from work and takes over half the tasks so it's like I have half as much to do. At weekends we go out as a family of 4 so he can look after one dc while I run after the other one. If I'm too tired to sort out lunches and books for the next day, he does it. He gets up early with the dcs and gets them dressed and sorts breakfast, so I can get myself ready. If the youngest wakes during the night and I'm still studying or cooking, he sees to them so I can carry on. Financially of course it's far easier, though I have my own income so tbh I wouldn't struggle on my own. But parenting as a couple has meant I am not carrying out anywhere near as much work as I would have. I know in some relationships the DHs don't pull their weight as much or even work away. If DH worked away I wouldn't have had dc with him, and if he'd showed himself not to be a hands on parent then I wouldn't have had a second dc with him.

Working 50 hours a week and being constantly knackered because one kid's day starts at 6am, and the other's ends at 10:30pm (that's the lift, plus chats/snacks after).

When one kid needs to be ten miles away from the other kid at the exact same time (I've even had a 100 mile version of this fun).

Two kids at different schools.

Being solely responsible for the mortgage, every bloody tea forever, packed lunches, signed forms, parents evenings, planning and remembering every bloody thing ever.

I was with a vile man and I'm happy to be single. But fucking hell it's relentless, thankless and hard work to do all the thinking, all the provision, all the money.

I think it makes a difference that your lo was only two months old when you split so you hadn't got used to two parents. If you breastfeed babies spend most of their time with Mum anyway. The financial support paying over the odds is rare so you are very lucky in that respect. This really isn't a standard single Mum story.

I am glad your ex is helping financially. I think if mine did my single parenting four children would be a hell of a lot easier.

I do like not having an opposing opinion but sometimes when you are struggling with choices, especially with teens, then input would be valuable.

I agree with pp above the taxi service l, clubs and appointments being so hard when single too.

I'm happy being single and would choose it every time above being with my abusive ex. But I get very little maintenance from him so being a one income household is hard. And I've been doing it for probably a lot longer than you. The drain of the mental load of doing everything and making every decision will weigh on you eventually.

Having done both, I found it easier being with a partner who worked away & was quite disengaged from family life.

I feel I can't give my two the 1:1 time, and it's quite isolating - I have no family nearby.

Quite often I'll have no adult conversation for days (except work). And being responsible for absolutely everything- every decision, all the driving, shopping, cooking, earning, etc etc

And of course you're a social pariah - couples tend to socialise with each other & single parents don't get asked.

But still better than being with a lying cheating manipulator.

I have been both and have to say that I found being a single mum easier than being married, for pretty much the same reasons as you. One less person to worry about and consider, one less person to pick up after and cook for, could do everything on my own terms and time, no one to be offended if I wanted an early night or to binge watch my own programmes in the evening. I look back on my time as a single mum fondly, but I am aware that I had the privilege of a support network in the form of my family, as ex has never been present really in DS’s life so they were always around to be someone to talk to, cry on etc, and helped with childcare when needed.

I’m widowed and lone parent to 3 teens. There are obviously things I miss but I don’t generally find it hard. I like being the one to make all the decisions and I love having my own space. The hardest thing for me is being the only one who can be the teenage taxi service.

I have had a very similar experience to you @Sunglenim I think when you have been on your own with only one child from the early stages its easier especially now Deliveroo exists which it didn't when DD was little. You just get on with it and it's all your child knows.

I think having to go through trauma of death of a parent or breakdown of a relationship with children who are old enough to remember or need support is far harder.

Or even parents in a relationship who have the advantage of a second income but have a partner that works away for a substantial amount of time in the forces or offshore have it worse as they and the children are constantly having to adapt

I actually think that like anything in life, everybody is different, so will thrive in different set ups.
I'm happily married and have been for 20+ years. I've got a good one, who incidentally was raised by a single mum. She did a great job raising a strong, considerate and caring family man, which I've thanked her for! Our kids have definitely benefitted from having such a hands on, caring dad, certainly more than just the financial aspect.

I mean, if you don't have a douche husband then this is all void

This.
I'm a (now) lone parent of two young people with Autism, SLD & Clinical Anxiety (had the 2nd before I realised 2nd had these issues). No support, no money, no daycare / overnights. Nothing. Obviously I'm at rhe extreme end of circumstances but no, it's not the same. Or even close.

You must have had an easy baby, I have a 6 month old and would have gone insane if I had to do this alone. I’m barely keeping my head above water as it is. She is totally full on and cries if she’s left alone in her bouncer or crib even for 2 minutes. And she is a terrible sleeper. The only time I can do things like shower, cook or nap is when my husband is home.

I was married and we split up when my boys were 6 and 8. It’s been hard, both boys have ASD (one in special Ed and one with EHCP in mainstream).

But in a lot of ways life has been soooo much easier since we split up!!! I don’t feel resentment that he’s done nothing in the house or our disagreements on how to parent, or generally how lazy he is etc. I now have two children instead of three!!!! I’ve now been on my own for over 7 years and, quite frankly, can’t see me living with anyone/getting married ever again!

I was married. Am now a single parent who works full time, with a 5,7&9yr old, and no family help.

ExH was a useless fuckwit and I much much prefer being a single parent. I love it in fact.

HOWEVER, it's harder in many different ways, and not just financially.

One of the kids has a football match that starts 9am on a Sunday morning and is 45 mins away? Everyone has to be up dressed and out the door to all go. If you had two parents, one would take the football child, the other parent could stay at home with the little ones.

One kid gets sick and needs an A&E trip in the middle of the night, and you all have to go together as there's no-one to have the other kids. Ditto for any activities/kids parties etc. Everyone has to go together all the time.

And even the useless husbands will sometimes do jobs like bringing the Christmas tree down from the loft, or mowing the lawn, or building new furniture, or sharing the long drives when you go on holiday. As a single parent, you have to do EVERYTHING yourself. I took my kids camping this summer and putting up a tent alone was hell.

Also, when you're sick and have kids, there's no one to pick up the slack.

I think it’s down to the partner surely. I have 3 children and would really struggle without dh, because we split a lot of things. Eg. One of us does dinner while the other cleans, take turns going out, or having one on one time with the dc, split school runs and nursery runs, split bedtimes etc. It would be a lot harder on my own, but then again some of the partners on here sound so useless I’d say you’re right in their cases.

I'd be utterly f*cked without DH as part of the family unit due to two children with additional needs, and having chronic health issues myself. I couldn't really cope without his support. Just being honest 🤷🏻 life isn't a breeze. I have several children though.

Glad it's working out for you OP.

Long term the logistics get problematic - can't go anywhere alone, can't leave the house in the evening without a babysitter, childcare costs and arrangements are full on and last for 12 years, no swapping pickups and drop offs with another person. You get sick, you get tired, you break your leg - no matter, no days off for you. Boiler goes tits up, car breaks down, shower springs a leak - woman the fuck up and sort it out because no one else will. There isn't even anyone else there to run through your options. And ofc the maintenance - which is nowhere close to a second income - only lasts until kid is 18 at which point you're too old to get eg a second job.