To think that with one caveat, being a single parent is actually not necessarily much different to parenting in a couple?

[Sunglenim]

Genuinely interested in opinions on this as I could be totally off the mark. And I suppose unless you’ve experienced both situations (a single parent and parenting in a couple), it’s hard to say maybe?

But my experience… I ALWAYS wanted the standard family set up. I was utterly devastated when my ex left me and my two month old. I could barely function I was so sad. However… by the time she was 6 months I was honestly thriving. I joined baby groups and spent a lot of time with other women with children and noticed that nearly always someone was upset or complaining about their partner/husband. I realised how lucky I was to go home to a quiet house where everything was on my timetable. I had nobody asking why I wasn’t eating dinner with them/why I hadn’t bought dinner/have to ask when they’d be back. Nobody to wake me up if I wanted an early night. Nobody else to consider basically. I never in my life thought I would feel lucky to be in the situation I found myself in but I genuinely was.

I do think the one caveat is money. Ex paid a chunk towards dd despite never actually providing any of her hands on care and does just the one off fun day every so often (yes he’s a gem isn’t he). It’s meant that I haven’t had to spend my income on her at all yet, even with nursery fees his contribution covers it. I’m aware that could change and that I will always live in a state of uncertainty on this to some extent, which is a downside but I suppose you could say that also about being in a couple?

Overall I honestly think on balance I am glad I’ve done the first few hard years with dd alone. I realise this is probably because I am not in love and don’t have someone loving me and caring for me which I am sure many people have. But I do also know my closest friend was married before her ds and blissfully happy. Since their ds things have become very strained. I feel grateful not to have gone through that. I know other men that still behave incredibly selfishly but because they do a night feed or get up with their child once a week they’re seen as a good one in comparison to others.

I genuinely think that broadly speaking women are better off just cracking on on their own timetable. But.. maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m yet to experience a proper decent relationship. I certainly won’t have another child unless I feel as sure as I can be that the man is a decent one. And at 36 it looks unlikely I will find someone in time for more dc…

You have no financial worries, that plays a significant part in enjoyment of parenting however many adults are involved.

I'm in the same boat albeit with more than one DC and I agree with you completely.

It is staggering to me that anyone couldn't think it's anywhere close to being the same.

In my 20 years of parenting I've been a complete lone parent of one, a married parent of 3, back to a lone parent of 3 and now married again with a DH who takes an active role in supporting my parenting (but would never claim to be a parent).

I wish I'd had my DC with DH and had him in the newborn phase particularly. I would have had that experience of a shared child with someone who didn't fuck off/break my bones. I think that would have been easier.

If I had to rate my parenting experience I'd say lone parenting one, when I was in my mid twenties and tax credits genuinely helped me, was the easiest. Lone parenting three DC was second. Parenting three young DC with a monster, for a decade, was by far the hardest thing I've ever dealt with.

It's really really hard being the only adult in the house and doing EVERYTHING for 3 people. All the cooking, all the tidying all the cleaning, all the shopping and planning, all the school admin, all the getting ready for school, all the getting ready for bed, not being able to pop out for a pint of milk if needed, all the emotional load, all the mental load, paying the mortgage all on your own, the bills all on your own, the clothes all on your own, entertaining them, getting them washed regularly, the constant laundry... the list is endless. Whilst I left ExDH so am relatively happy with that aspect of it I would certainly have appreciated someone else taking on their share of all of the above.

Worrying about the finances alone in these very difficult times is very hard. Especially when your ex thinks the COL is a reason to reduce maintenance - rather than rein their own expenses in so as to contribute more to their kids.

It’s very hard when one is sick or has an injury and what to do with the other whilst you’re at an and e etc. Or when you need to go to the office / workplace but your child is sick - and your ex won’t step in because they’re your ex and would probably like to see you fail.

I'm glad you are happy.

I've just done two days as a "single parent" (husband away) and it was much harder. But we are a team and tag team to keep on top of everything. Alone, something would have to give (either less attention for dc, messier house etc). I wouldn't be able to be a sahm, which I love. I'd have been in real trouble the week I had coronavirus and was bedridden and needed dh to hold the fort. I'd have to give up my hobby as it would be too many babysitters.

So basically I think good partner is better than single parent, which is better than bad partner.

I know nothing other than being an SP, probably because I've found most men too lacking in the 'relationship' dept and medically-affected fertility due to some DV in early adulthood.

Yep, a lot of things are both harder and easier when you're a single person but most things are harder when you're an SP although a few things can be easier.

In my 60s I look around at the 'couples' and see the bits of life made easier but I also see their lifetime of resented compromises and the effects when changes occur - so I'm happy with my steady, unrelenting 'course' as an SP and long-term independent female.

Single mum to two here. Eldest is a stroppy teen and youngest has ASD. Lucky you to have it easy. My ex is ok but works away a lot and my family live 100 miles away so no, it bloody hard. Much easier as a couple in my experience.

I think it very much depends on who you're with.

I was married for 7 years, life was bloody hard and difficult all the time with 3DC

I divorced him and flourished as a single parent for 8 years,

Then I met dp.

He adds to our life and makes life so much easier. When he works away I hate doing it all on my own again for 2 months!

I was a lone parent of 2 DC who are now adults
Negatives - low income overall over years due to this has meant I have minimal savings and not much of a pension
I rarely got a break - even when very poorly had no choice but to carry on unless I was actually in hospital
sometimes being the only decision maker is shit - whether it be about how to deal with a stroppy teenager or whether to prioritise a holiday over household repairs
I never got one to one time with either of them
Dealing with emergencies could be a nightmare - on more than one occasion something went wrong thousands of miles from home and I was the only adult
Sometimes I think they grew up too young as they had to step up for me as there was no one else eg I collapsed in a restaurant on holiday and DS had to try and get me back to where we were staying alone whilst DD was left to pay the bill with my cards - they were 13/14 and frightened and couldn’t speak the language
Positives
We are all incredibly close
I flourished in my independence and did far more with my life than I ever expected
I have immense satisfaction knowing I did it all on my own
They are amazing adults
I am very proud

I would hate to be a single parent. I need that second person to split the load with (kids are 4 and 1, younger still breastfeeding). But because we both work full time and split the load, he's in charge of food - and we mostly eat separate things at separate times - and would very actively encourage me to go to sleep at 8pm with the kids.

Not having to consider someone else would be nice, but I really appreciate him in our lives, especially for moral support! We have no family or village though.

I wish I was one of these people who had someone who added to my life! I’ve never really experienced that in a relationship and I guess that’s why I feel like I do about being a single parent. I guess that’s quite sad really!!!

I split up with my ex 2 years ago & it’s been the easiest 2 years of my DD’s life. I feel relaxed & happy & therefore find it much easier. I did everything anyway & it was my house so no disruption.

Had I have had a partner where we worked as a team, I might feel different. Infact, probably wouldn’t be single! Not complaining though. I really like making my own decisions & not having someone thinking they’re ‘the man of the house’ & get to decide everything.

financially, I’m about the same. He never paid towards my mortgage, only half to bills. He pays the min maintenance but my shipping bill has massively reduced.

Surely what really matters is children spending time with both of their parents. OP used the word I a lot. How does DC feel ?

If I was going to rank from hardest to easiest. (I've only experienced 1, 2, 4, 7 so the rest are guesses)

1. In relationship, abusive/controlling partner.
2. Separated, vindictive/lax/controlling ex who is causing harm to DC.
3. In relationship, unsupportive/lazy/irresponsible partner.
4. Single, uninvolved ex
5. Single, trustworthy, adequate or better co-parent
6. In supportive relationship, partner works away
7. In supportive relationship

@SALWARP2023 id love it if he had dd half the time. I think that’s what’s best for dd for sure. He won’t though. I’ve tried many many times!

I’m not a lone parent, but my son only goes to his dad’s two days a month. I agree wholeheartedly with you. My son has suspected adhd and he is bouncing off of the walls from morning to night - I don’t get a break. Even getting in the bath is impossible, he’s causing havoc and I have no one to say ‘keep an eye on him whilst I bath’. If you had a partner you could have someone look after the kids whilst you bath, shopped, cooked, cleaned, meet up with friends.

Even silly situations where I’m a single parent with one child - I can’t really go on ‘family holidays’ and have the stereotypical family holiday with the two of us. It’s lonely, and the stress of having to do it alone is not comparable to two people sharing that stress. I have mentioned MINOR things, not taking into consideration the working and financial aspect that a two parent household has easier than a single person doing it all. It’s not the same and it’s shameful that people think it is.

Being a widow with 4 children this is so far from my experience I cannot tell you.

I agree I find it insulting tbh.

Surely that entirely depends on the relationship. My DH more than pulls his weight. But reading mumsnet threads, there are a lot of women who would be better off dropping the dead weight. IRL I have a mix of friends who I think have fairly equal partnerships and some that really are not!

@Poudretteite You've summed it up perfectly.

Wirh an involved partner whom you love and loves you and the children, it’s easier. If they’re selfish and lazy , it’s probably not.

I agree, 4 kids, 2 with Sen. No maintenance here as their dad died, no family support, nobody to share the responsibility with, MH issues due to bereavement, it’s very tough! It can’t really be compared to being in a couple ,even with a rubbish partner, as generally they’ll be providing something even if it’s just financial or sharing looking after the kids. Obviously, abusive relationships are completely different. Everyone’s situation is different and that is why this post is insulting to struggling lone parents. I am not convinced this is genuine as I’ve heard this kind of rhetoric before from people in couples.

I'm 61.

Single parent for 20 years to two sons who finally moved out this year as independent young adults.

I was in a good financial position in that I had a job that paid enough to survive even after my twat of an ex (who walked out on us before youngest was 1) stopped paying maintenance after the first few years and only having them over once in a blue moon.

Being a full time working pretty much sole parent was tiring. Things had to give, so my flat is a mess - only good thing about that is that it gave eldest something to rebel against, so he's grown up a minimalist clean freak (who sometimes comes round and does a deep clean of a room or glory hole).

Tricky bits were when I got ill. Toddler asking me why I was lying on the bathroom floor - to be close enough to the toilet for next bout of sickness.

And when youngest got ill, bad enough to need hospitalisation on more than one occasion. Dropping eldest at primary school before going in to the ward to keep youngest company until late afternoon when I'd leave him alone for the night to pick up eldest from neighbour, give him his tea, help with homework, sleep and repeat for a week.

No practical family support. My Mum died when they were still little. My siblings lived far away and were at the end of a phone for some emotional support, but there's only so far that goes.

Teen years were difficult. Eldest had a period of school refusal. Youngest convinced me he was doing fine, revision happening etc. but basically scraped through his education getting just short of what was needed for easy path to next step. Would have loved some emotional support during those years.

So yeah. I don't regret being single (even though it wasn't my choice). In hindsight it would have been more difficult dealing with all that with a twat of a partner around but not fulfilling his parental role.

But I'm tired

Disabled single parent of two disabled kids (teens) (apparently it's genetic. )

It all depends on circumstances.

Getting dumped for a newer model or widowed is different from getting rid of an idiot or abusive partner.

Ex's vary in the support they give practically financially or with decisions...or their continuing abuse.

They vary in the support they gave when together

Support networks vary. (Parents, family, friends)

Single parents health may vary, especially if they have been damaged by their ex. Eg head injuries.

Kids vary in the support they need.

There are too many variables to quantify what is easier.

I have to agree with you OP. My sister left her (horrible) husband and raised her two DCs alone and they have all thrived in a way I don't think you see very often in a nuclear setup. Their house is so zen and the children are so secure as they know mum is solely in charge and they don't have to navigate different parenting styles - their dad works abroad and though they regularly speak to him and see him every few months he's not a father in any real sense of the word and holds no authority to them.

She's done such an amazing job, they are such bright, sociable, kind children and she insists going it alone was a breeze compared to being married to someone who didn't pull their weight, it seems he really got in her way and at times undermined her parenting. Obviously the "ideal" would be two parents working together harmoniously but that's so rare IME; most of the women I know spend a considerable amount of time being irritated/frustrated/let down by their husbands once the children come along. Cracking on with it your own way without that low level stress and resentment simmering around the house can produce a really beautiful outcome, if my DNieces are anything to go by!