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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messaged other woman and her husband now what?

127 replies

Anastasia2 · 14/12/2023 14:50

Really sad situation and I guess I need some reassurance as I am desperate.

Husband of 10 years started new job which consisted him working away weeks on end. Firstly, he hated the job and kept wanting to quit. I regrettably talked him out of this. Then all of a sudden in mid September he stopped complaining and I could see a drastic change in him - absolutely loved the job. His behaviour when he came home was also different. I dint think much of it but then his company went on stand down mid October meaning he has come home till the end of January next year when he will go back.
As soon as he came back, noticed a huge difference. He was very distant and nasty with me. Very upsetting as the kids had missed him but still didn't seem like he wanted to be home with us. I took the plunge and got into his phone. Found out he had met a woman in early September in the local that him and workmates went out in. He seemed to really like her from the texts I saw, messages such as "miss you" and sending her pictures and videos.
Absolutely heartbroken
Got a few advice from friends who said not to confront him until I got evidence (I hadn't taken any screenshots as it was very hard to get on his phone) and to wait till after Christmas or otherwise it would be a really bad memory and with the children being young.

I did however look her up on Facebook and she is married with two young children. In a drunken state, I messaged both her and husband from a fake account and now I feel very helpless and vulnerable. Not sure if it was the right thing to do but wondering if people could help me make sense of their response:
Basically the OW when I messaged her acted very defensive saying it was her business and nothing to do with anyone else. She didnt even deny it or anything. So when I messaged the husband his was more reasonable - he asked for evidence, which I didnt have,
but then all of a sudden he became very aggressive and sent a selfie of both of them saying they were laughing at the situation. After that, they blocked this account.
Do you think this would have scared the OW off from texting Husband?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 14/12/2023 14:53

Ah. Oh dear OP. I understand why you did it, but tbh never mind scaring her off from texting your husband, you should be asking yourself what sort of lowlife gets himself involved with another woman, and a married one with a family at that. He is your problem, not her. You can't stop all the women in the world contacting him to keep him loyal, it must come from him and the love and respect he has for you. Which is notably lacking.

I'm so sorry.

Stresa22 · 14/12/2023 14:53

But if you took screenshots then you have evidence?

Here4thechocs · 14/12/2023 14:56

Stresa22 · 14/12/2023 14:53

But if you took screenshots then you have evidence?

She said she hadn’t taken screenshots.

Original poster
Anastasia2 · 14/12/2023 15:02

No unfortunately, since he came back he had changed his phone code which was also an obvious alarm bell. It took me a few weeks to figure out his new code and I only managed to check it during the night I didnt have enough time to take screenshots to send to myself without him discovering. I regret not doing it as its becoming more and more difficult to get hold of phone.
I just need to confront him with it but now I think I may have blown it by contacting ow and husband in case she has been scared off.

OP posts:
Tabitha005 · 14/12/2023 15:07

Surely the OW must have told your husband that you know? In this case, he knows that you know and is doing his damndest to hide any evidence you might otherwise be able to find. It's probably time for a chat with a solicitor.

HappyHamsters · 14/12/2023 15:08

They all sound vile, it doesn't matter if she stops texting him, he is the problem,. Do you want him in your life, he sounds a horrible lying cheating bully.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 14/12/2023 15:14

What do you want?

Wim dont want to stick the knife in but if you let him choose whether to stay and he did really like her, he will be a angry at you for scaring her off and you'll be living with a bloke trying to get over a other woman while he resents you.

I know you didnt think it our well before but proving it to her husband would have sent them into eachothers arms.

What do you want? You can scare her off and effectively force him to stay for a while but you cant make him love and respect you. So it's up to you if you want to live like that or whether you want to make a plan to leave.

barbarahunter · 14/12/2023 15:15

I agree, you don't need to confront him with evidence because he already knows what he is doing. Forget him and think of yourself and the children. People on this site are brilliant at advising about getting ducks in row. I wouldn't bother confronting him, I would be getting things together incase he Forstalls you by walking out. By the way, it doesn't matter if the ow's husband thinks you're lying - he will learn the truth somewhere down the line and they are not your problem.

TeaKitten · 14/12/2023 15:18

I don’t understand why you didn’t send her husband a screenshot of his wife’s response to you? You said she didn’t deny it which is evidence really.

You don’t need proof to confront your husband though, you no because you’ve seen it.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/12/2023 15:18

Stop drinking and get rid of your cheating husband.

Sugarsun · 14/12/2023 15:19

What’s done is done and you can’t do anything about the OW and her DH.
It is up to her DH to decide whether to believe her or not.

You need to focus on your own relationship ending and being kind to yourself, as well as trying to lessen the impact this separation will have on the kids over Xmas.

My only advice would be to confront DH as soon as he gets home and ask him to leave by the weekend.
This will give the kids some time to adjust before Xmas day.

Lilithlogic · 14/12/2023 15:24

Have you any worries about consequences coming from your husband if he confronts you about this?

tomatoontoast · 14/12/2023 15:30

I'm sorry this is happening you OP.

Don't send anymore messages when you're drink. Don't be worrying about anyone else's marriage at this point in time.

Dump your husband, evidence or not you know he's cheating.

Itsaselectionbox · 14/12/2023 15:34

You don't need proof, just 'I know you've been sleeping with someone else and I want a divorce' He can deny it all he likes but you both know its true. Your loved ones will believe you. Take revenge in the satisfaction of telling him, I don't care if you deny it, I don't want an explanation, I know it happened and I don't want to discuss things, I want to move on with my life.

Jenasaurus · 14/12/2023 15:35

Lilithlogic · 14/12/2023 15:24

Have you any worries about consequences coming from your husband if he confronts you about this?

But if he hasn't contacted her he won't be aware do if he reacts. Them you hab your proof to share with her husband

Beezknees · 14/12/2023 15:35

I'll never understand this whole "needing evidence" thing.

You don't need evidence. You've seen it, you know your husband has cheated. That's that. All you need to do is decide if you want to stay or not.

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 14/12/2023 15:35

Well, I’ve voted YABU but only really because you’re being terribly unrealistic to think this will ‘scare off’ the ow. She has her husband convinced this is bullshit, aided by the fact you messaged when you were drunk and you had no evidence at all. So she’s free to do as she pleases now. She’s also bound to have told your husband what happened so now he knows you know. What you choose to do from here on out is your call but I know I wouldn’t be staying in a marriage with someone who deems it appropriate to seek out and pursue another woman for a relationship.

wjpa · 14/12/2023 15:36

I would keep quiet and not say anything to your husband

yes it would certainly have scared the other woman a bit - seems she's a great liar if she's managed to get her husband to believe her bullshit

wait and see what happens before doing anything else

Jenasaurus · 14/12/2023 15:37

I'm sorry you are going through this

Goodlard · 14/12/2023 15:38

Keep quiet, let him make the next move!

Neodymium · 14/12/2023 15:39

I’d get rid of him. The fact that he’s coming home being nasty to you shows he doesn’t care about you at all. If he did he would be feeling guilty and be extra nice.

Moveoverdarlin · 14/12/2023 15:40

Yep I agree with the poster above. Keep quiet, play the long game. See what your DH says, to date you’ve never confronted him about it so he can’t be sure it’s you that contacted OW.

Lilithlogic · 14/12/2023 15:40

Jenasaurus · 14/12/2023 15:35

But if he hasn't contacted her he won't be aware do if he reacts. Them you hab your proof to share with her husband

Show quote history

The op says that her husband had started to become nasty and distant with her on occasion when he was home. Was worried if this woman told him, that he wouldn't become violent towards her. Not really to sure how to interpret what you were saying I'm afraid.

ManateeFair · 14/12/2023 15:40

Do you think this would have scared the OW off from texting Husband?

No. Pretty sure if she was happy to carry on an affair while married with two kids, and was happy to then brazen it out and deny it to her own husband, she is unlikely to be scared to continue her affair with yours.

Anyway - even if she did stop her affair with your husband, do you honestly think that would stop him cheating on you again in future? He's been unfaithful to you and he will do so again. Don't be a mug and get rid of him. He's awful.

I think I may have blown it by contacting ow and husband in case she has been scared off

Blown what? You know your husband was cheating on you. You don't need to actually catch her in the act of messaging him. You don't have to have proof to show your husband. You can leave him for whatever reason you bloody well like.

Lilithlogic · 14/12/2023 15:41

Moveoverdarlin · 14/12/2023 15:40

Yep I agree with the poster above. Keep quiet, play the long game. See what your DH says, to date you’ve never confronted him about it so he can’t be sure it’s you that contacted OW.

So he'd not have the slightest suspicion? OPs dh sounds as thick as mince.