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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Messaged other woman and her husband now what?

127 replies

Anastasia2 · 14/12/2023 14:50

Really sad situation and I guess I need some reassurance as I am desperate.

Husband of 10 years started new job which consisted him working away weeks on end. Firstly, he hated the job and kept wanting to quit. I regrettably talked him out of this. Then all of a sudden in mid September he stopped complaining and I could see a drastic change in him - absolutely loved the job. His behaviour when he came home was also different. I dint think much of it but then his company went on stand down mid October meaning he has come home till the end of January next year when he will go back.
As soon as he came back, noticed a huge difference. He was very distant and nasty with me. Very upsetting as the kids had missed him but still didn't seem like he wanted to be home with us. I took the plunge and got into his phone. Found out he had met a woman in early September in the local that him and workmates went out in. He seemed to really like her from the texts I saw, messages such as "miss you" and sending her pictures and videos.
Absolutely heartbroken
Got a few advice from friends who said not to confront him until I got evidence (I hadn't taken any screenshots as it was very hard to get on his phone) and to wait till after Christmas or otherwise it would be a really bad memory and with the children being young.

I did however look her up on Facebook and she is married with two young children. In a drunken state, I messaged both her and husband from a fake account and now I feel very helpless and vulnerable. Not sure if it was the right thing to do but wondering if people could help me make sense of their response:
Basically the OW when I messaged her acted very defensive saying it was her business and nothing to do with anyone else. She didnt even deny it or anything. So when I messaged the husband his was more reasonable - he asked for evidence, which I didnt have,
but then all of a sudden he became very aggressive and sent a selfie of both of them saying they were laughing at the situation. After that, they blocked this account.
Do you think this would have scared the OW off from texting Husband?

OP posts:

BreatheAndFocus · 14/12/2023 19:02

Unless you told her or gave it away, the OW won’t know it’s you who sent the message. She could think it’s someone who’s seen them together, or a another colleague.

I’d keep your cards close to your chest and watch your husband closely too. Does he seem flustered? Is he wondering who sent the message? Don’t tell him it was you and don’t confront him until you’re ready. This means thinking about what you want to do, sorting finances, etc. It’s very tempting to go rushing in but try to hold off to make a plan.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 14/12/2023 19:15

You said you messaged from a fake account but who did you say you were?

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 19:15

Statementdress · 14/12/2023 19:00

But you sent this message anonymously ?

I take it the OW and her husband don’t know it’s from you? Is there anything that suggests it’s you?

I’d say that what is likely to happen is that OW will warn your husband that someone has found out about their affair and may have already contacted you.

Be prepared for your ‘D’H to ask you if you’ve received any weird messages. If you don’t want him to know you know yet, you’ll need to be ready for this. He’ll be looking for signs that you know.

OW won't need to be a genius to figure it out.

But anonymous messages are easy to discount. If I got an anonymous message saying my husband was cheating but they had no proof and weren't giving their name, I'd dismiss it as malicious too.

Mikimoto · 14/12/2023 19:18

Wherever the message was sent from, it must have said "my husband" or there'd be no accusation!
Maybe the husband had just found a new set of friends he was missing - people who don't get drunk and break into other people's phones.

AnneValentine · 14/12/2023 19:32

TeaKitten · 14/12/2023 15:18

I don’t understand why you didn’t send her husband a screenshot of his wife’s response to you? You said she didn’t deny it which is evidence really.

You don’t need proof to confront your husband though, you no because you’ve seen it.

Not really. I got accused of being the OW once and I didn’t deny it.

Allfur · 14/12/2023 19:42

I would

Melodysmum12 · 14/12/2023 19:45

You saw it with your own eyes. You don’t need proof. You tell him what you saw and get rid. Easy.

Youdirtysonofagun · 14/12/2023 20:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MsDogLady · 14/12/2023 20:50

@Anastasia2, as everyone is saying, you know what you saw, and that is your proof. It doesn’t matter if your H lies and denies because you saw the evidence of his infidelity in black and white, and should act accordingly.

His moods back up the truth. He’s buzzed when he and OW are together and nasty and disengaged with you/the children when they are apart.

Don’t sit on this. Find your anger and tackle it now. How dare he abuse you by cheating when you’ve been handling all the home and child responsibilities so he can work away. How dare he come home and treat his family like shit on his shoe.

I would kick him out and consult a solicitor to learn your options. Staying with him is untenable, as he has proven that he is a totally untrustworthy snake who puts no value in his being faithful.

Statementdress · 14/12/2023 21:26

@NonPlayerCharacter perhaps, but depending on how it was worded, it could easily have come from a colleague of them both. That would be my first suspicion. Especially since she didn’t offer any proof!

Fedupwitheveryone · 14/12/2023 21:40

@CatamaranViper you CAN name another involved party but you don't have to.
Lawyers mostly advise against it as a) it adds nothing to your financial settlement - that is decided on fair division of assets and NOT a moral decision and b) it takes longer as it involves contacting other parties and gives them something to fight about - all of which costs you more in lawyer hours. There is no benefit in naming another party being involved.

Lilithlogic · 14/12/2023 21:41

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 18:46

Well it's never ever a sign of a healthy relationship, one way or another.

Show quote history

I wouldn't particularly care about their privacy to be honest. I've been on the end of being gaslit when I didn't have a name for it. I was in such a toxic place and mindfucked until I thought I was insane. Wasn't until I snooped that I got a real kick up my arse to grow up. 38 when I got away, single since, 53 and finally not looking over my shoulder.

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 21:42

Lilithlogic · 14/12/2023 21:41

Show quote history

Like I said...not a healthy relationship.

SequentialAnalyst · 14/12/2023 23:30

NonPlayerCharacter · 14/12/2023 21:42

Like I said...not a healthy relationship.

Show quote history

Well yes, but @Lilithlogic had been gaslit - so I presume she didn't know whether to trust herself or believe her then partner. She needed a reality check - and looking at their phone can provide a reality check, if one's suspicions are confirmed.

I presume this enabled her to realise what was going on, and escape.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 15/12/2023 00:08

My only advice would be to confront DH as soon as he gets home and ask him to leave by the weekend.* * This will give the kids some time to adjust before Xmas day.

I'm not going to comment as to whether you should ask your husband to leave or not - but the idea given by a poster that children will 'adjust' to their parents splitting up before Christmas in less than two weeks is ridiculous.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 15/12/2023 00:10

Are you sure you were speaking to him? I find it hard to believe he’s immediately having a laugh with her about it. Bear in mind that the ‘husband’ who replied may well have been her, reading his messages because she was panicking that you’d also message him. Photo could be from any time. I’d imagine she’ll tell your husband to be careful, yes.

Original poster

Anastasia2 · 15/12/2023 07:28

Don't think she knows it me. I'm actually convinced dh told her he wasn't married...just had children..I can't give too many details as I'm scared about outing but the account I made had mutual friends with her and husband..i think she was more inclined it was someone who was also at the pub when they were.
The messages I got to see was a small thread as he's obviously been deleting them. And it didn't sound innocent to me him saying he missed her? If she's just a friend why not tell me aboutnher..I gave him plenty of chances trying to pinpoint his nights out etc.
My plan is definitely leave him. However, I can't do it now. There's no way. In alot of debt and quit my job when he got this one as financially made sense with childcare. I'm going to have to play it carefully.
The reason I want evidence as I know he will gaslight me he'll tell everyone family and friends I made it up. I just need something so u can rally some support and also his parents own this house so if I had something concrete they'd maybe let me and kids stay

OP posts:

Original poster

Anastasia2 · 15/12/2023 07:30

@BrightGreenMoonBuggy oh no it was definitely him he also rang and started swearing.. sounded like he'd maybe had a few

OP posts:

Christmassss · 15/12/2023 08:28

Forget setting evidence and get back into the work force. Then you’ll have choices in deciding what you want to do.
I know it’s a cliche but think about what you want from your life and less about your DH and DH and the other woman. Start putting yourself first, make plans for yourself, be kind to yourself, see friends, do hobbies. Your DH will do this again or is still at it so work out what you want to do.

Original poster

Anastasia2 · 15/12/2023 08:54

There wasn't enough proof to convince him that he's having an affair. He could pass it off as innocent and even get her to say the same. I was just hoping for something more obvious so he can't backtrack..my plan was to keep checking his messages when I could and screen shot but nothing so far :(

OP posts:

Christmassss · 15/12/2023 08:59

Honestly OP you are concentrating on the wrong thing, you have seen that your DH either is or wants to fuck another woman and has some sort of relationship with her. Why do you need more evidence, what does it matter what he says or how he tries to gaslights you? You’ve seen what you seen. You’ll make yourself ill trying to go through his phone.

Sugarsun · 15/12/2023 09:01

OP you don’t need proof.

You’ve seen the messages with your own eyes, that’s all the proof you need.

It was bad enough for you to message the OW’s DH, so you don’t need anything physical to prove to him or anyone else.

He now knows you know and will be trying to make things right for himself.

Tell him and his family that the relationship is over but you’ll stay living together for now for the kids sake.

After Xmas you can sort it out more.

There is no way that the family will let you stay there if they think you’re the one who wants to break up because you’re bored with him or found someone else.

But if they know you’ve just found out he’s been cheating then they’ll be a lot more sympathetic.

You need to get in there first.
He should be begging to stay, not thinking he’s got away with it.

MostlyThere · 15/12/2023 09:06

@Anastasia2 what exactly did you see in the messages?

Iloveabaileys · 15/12/2023 09:30

Has he said anything , acting different?

It's up to you what you do . You can either keep snooping and hoping you find something but if he's deleting it , which I bet he is you may not be able to find any solid proof. If you have seen messages that show theres more to it than just friendly messages to a colleague than why are you worried about anything he has to say. Real friends and family will stand by you forget the ones that don't

You can hold fire til new year to get a job , or maybe stay with someone while you sort yourself out .

GladioliandSweetPeas · 15/12/2023 09:43

Anastasia2 · 15/12/2023 07:28

Send her a photo of your marriage certificate!

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